Graceful Posted August 8, 2011 Posted August 8, 2011 Agreed, and thanks, BD. For now, the timeframe is up in the air, but bottom line? Not gonna happen now. Cannot happen now. Unless Aussie wants to rewind the recent tape and relive it. And I don't think he wants to do that, do you? Reconciling is a process, not an event. Your ex broke up with you, Aussie. She blew the roof off the place. Now she's gotta live with the repercussions. You've admitted you made some mistakes and you're not perfect. Who is? But you don't need that barrage of criticisms, accusations, and anger thrown in your face, that's not helpful and it's not going to help you heal. Not that this is a power structure necessarily, but you do have the upper hand right now, and the ball is in your court. All we're telling you is to hold onto it. We want the best for you, as I am certain you know by now. Graceful has given you some great advice there. Personally, I think you need to fully lose contact with her now. Everything has broken down, and the only constant theme I can find in what you say she's doing and saying, is she wants to beat on you; for you to be there so that she can reject you, constantly. She wanted to split up. This is her wish granted. It is your choice now as to whether or not you let things that upset you continue to do so.
BLuvv Posted August 8, 2011 Posted August 8, 2011 I also agree with the others that it's best to move on and cut contact for the time being. Your ex has still not acknowledged her own issues. And even if she does not suffer from depression, she has not learned to properly communicate her feelings. She has to realize on her own that the common denominator in all her problems is her. No one can do that for her. Also you teach people how to treat you and what you put up with you end up with. Sticking around when she keeps lashing out at you just shows her you would stay no matter what. And of course I sympathize with her and don't think she's a bad person but staying just enables her and no one can change anyone else, they can only change themself. (Sorry for all the cliches, but they have always been true in my experience). Obviously it's hard to go no contact, but it's the only way to gain distance and break that cycle. The best thing you can do is take what you learned from this relationship and work on yourself. B
Author aussie_bloke Posted August 9, 2011 Author Posted August 9, 2011 Hey guys, thanks for the replies. I am pretty confused at the moment, i understand what betterdeal says about her wanting to keep me around so she can continue to reject me, which she does keep doing, she says why did you do 'X' to me and not 'Y' and if we tried again how would i know it wouldnt happen again, i proceed to tell her what and why and how things have changed and she says i dont know if i can do it (kick in the balls to me). This goes round and round non stop. She has text me about so many different issues and late last night she rang me again crying, she was saying she doesnt know what she wants etc, but as soon as I suggested anything even remotely toward trying again she says she can't do it. I told her I can't keep doing this and she says ok, but then texts me again saying she is unsure and she has to think of her happiness etc. Is she really confused and looking for an answer from me as to how things would be different (geez i have given her perfectly logical reasons as to why things are) or is she just trying to keep me around so she has someone to share her hurt with? It seems like she can ONLY look at the past and is not open to things changing/the future. I do not know what to do, when i distance myself she seems to follow, when I go closer she runs... I agree I can not make her try things again, i wish i could but i can't, the thing thats ****ting me is she will not make an actual decision, so it seems I am the one who has to close the door and walk away and leave her 'unknowing'. Do you suggest I try and talk to her and tell her (AGAIN) that I can't do this and am going away, or should I just stop replying to her messages dead and let her figure it out? (to which i bet she will get super pissed off at me). Cheers for the replies guys, I have actually read them a few times and got more and more out of them each time. This situation is noooooooot coool! If everyone votes no contact I guess thats the best thing to do?
BLuvv Posted August 9, 2011 Posted August 9, 2011 I would say be brief and clear and tell her exactly what you are going to do, ie cut contact. The only time I did it was with my ex-fiance and I think it was the best thing in that situation. When he came to get his stuff I told him straight out. He seemd doubtful but I kept to my word. I had read in a book to go 60 days and that's what I did. He tried to contct me and sent abusive emails blaming me for everything and telling me I was horrible, but I never replied. Day 59 he showed up on my doorstep, but by then I had a new perspective. I wasn't completely over it, but I realized how badly I needed to keep moving away from it. Eventually I changed my number and moved back to my home city. Once you tell her, keep to your word and don't answer. Block facebook, emails, get a new phone number if you have to. It's like ripping a bandaid off, sharp, quick pain but avoids the lingering pain. Also, once you tell her simply what you're doing, she is on her own to accept that she caused this. With my current ex, I broke up with him almost a year ago and it's been soooo hard. That's why I'm almost embarrassed to share my whole story. And I was like your ex, I broke up with him because I was unhappy and I felt he didn't support me or give me a commitment I wanted, but I never told him what I wanted and I had to come to that realization on my own. I did call him in tears and bring up lots of things that hurt me. But how could he have known??! I avoid confrontation like the plague, when I should just communicate. Instead I wait until it has become a crisis in my mind then I'm so worked up it just comes out in waves. It's ugly. He had every right to be mad at me acting that way but it only made me more hurt and it proved my erroneous belief that he was unsupportive to me. He became the one who was hurting me and I felt like he was also the only one who could make it better. I was so wrong. Now I see things in a different light, he wasn't criticizing me like I thought, he was being supportive and trying to help me. He always kept his word and always was respectful. He would've been open to discussing things I I had come to him instead of imagining he wouldn't care. I didn't do my part in the relationship where I communicate to him. Last night I talked to him (we talk all the time) and told him all about this site. He was happy for me and I again apologized and told him I saw things from his side now. I also shared a lot from my past that explains why I am this way. Mainly because I grew up with a dad who blew up at me constantly and I could do no right around. I got yelled at for breathing too loud or eating too loud or for one A-minus on a report card. You never knew what would set him off. And my mom walked on eggshells to try so hard to keep him from getting mad. We got in trouble for doing normal things because "it might set dad off". She was scared to communicate with him and still is to this day. And I have to learn not every guy will treat me like him or my ex-fiance who did the same and criticized every thing about me and controlled me like a doll, telling me what to wear how to do my hair and then saying I was never good enough and never loved him enough. As you can imagine it's messed with my head a lot. But it doesn't excuse me being uncommunicative and lashing out at innocent people. Anyways. My ex and I have not been able to keep no contact over this past year at tall. I think the longest I went was 5 days and I honestly think it's only made it that much harder. It's been a long and bumpy road. And I'm lucky he's so understanding and patient, but it may have ruined our chances at ever working out again. But he continues to be my best friend. It's not the most ideal situation but it is what it is. And I fear if you keep communicating with your ex the same will happen to you. Things will be said that can never be taken back and damage can be done that become dealbreakers. Also, at times him being so readily available made me feel like he was giving me mixed signals, like he cares but he doesn't want me back and i'd get upset all over again. Ii may not have done everything the right way, but at least maybe someone can be helped by learning from my mistakes. Aussie, I wish you much luck in finding some peace and contentment. You obviously care a lot and deserve to be happy and I hope you find that!
betterdeal Posted August 9, 2011 Posted August 9, 2011 She's stuck in a blame / guilt rut and it goes nowhere apart from around and around. Don't get stuck in it too. By answering each question literally, instead of raising your own or making different points, you are joining the vicious circle. It does no good. So, right now, what do you want?
Graceful Posted August 9, 2011 Posted August 9, 2011 The letter I would write to your ex: Dear Ex, On (date), you broke up with me. Two days prior, I helped your parents move, your family was my family, we were a couple, nothing was particularly wrong, you had been loving toward me, and we were a couple with some plans and dreams for the future. But again, on (date) you broke up with me. Out of the blue. My heart was crushed. You told me I had been remiss in romance and support to you, and I admitted my failings, saying I had put building my business first, as I thought you understood and were copasetic with that, but there we were, with you telling me it was over, and me saying I was sorry, asking for another chance. I tried to re-build by a few gestures to get started, and you rejected all of them. You even returned the theatre tickets to me in a grand gesture by bringing them to my office, returning the card. Do you think that didn't hurt me? Do you think that didn't say "FU" to me? Do you think I didn't get the message? Since then, it's been one cry-fest after another, with you saying come here one minute, and go away the next. I have tried to get to the bottom of things, but the second I get too close, you rebuff me. Not only that, but you have just about thrown every citicism in the book at me, and I have tried to take it on the chin, but it hurts. Not only that, but it's not productive. You have spoken your peace. I GET IT. I've heard enough. But EX, there are two sides to every story, and I have barely gotten a word in edgewise. That's right, I am 50 percent of this relationship, REMEMBER??? That' what relationships are. They are people RELATING. Not one person yelling and crying and making accusations, and the other person sitting there trying to make suggestions being rebuffed. That's not relating. There's a point here. And here it is. I am NOT the SOLE CAUSE of your unhappiness. I AM NOT the sole cause of your frustration. You have taken little if any accountability for what you have brought about. Not only that,k but you have now made ME question if we are right for each other and if we can repair the damage. That's right. I love you, but I have just as many doubts as you do now. I really do. So what's left? I am not going to spend any more time analyzing your problems. You need to get counseling and talk to a third party professional who can help you. I cannot help you and not only that, you aren't listening to me. We cannot turn the page ourselves. We need help. So there it is. You have to take responsibility to get help for yourself, or I am out. This is not productive. And you know what? I don't like the way you are treating me. I really don't. I don't care what I have done or haven't done, I deserve more respect than this, and I will not be spoken to as you have spoken to me again. I really won't. It's a terrible habit to get into, to speak with disrespect, it's damaging and hurtful, and I won't have it. So you leave me no choice but to ask you to leave me alone at the present time, get help for yourself, and perhaps at some point in the future, we can see where we stand. You broke up with me, and I am honoring your request to end the relationship. I should not be on the defensive. You are putting me on the defensive. That's over. So let's respect each other's wishes here. I do not, in all honesty, think you are as confused as you say you are. You broke up with me, and frankly, I think you meant it. I don't see why you need to keep checking in about it, taking jabs at me at the same time. If you've stopped loving me as you used to, that is reason enough. I know what I need to know. I regret that things have to end this way, but you give me no choice. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ I do not suggest you actually send a letter, Aussie. But I wrote that out to summarize the way things have transpired and what I think you feel at this time. NO offense to Bluvv, but Aussie's GF's problems are not relevant right now in terms of a decision. It's not enough to say you know what's wrong, which she has, but do nothing about it. He knows enough about them, and we have already told him she is possibly suffering from depression and is putting demands and expectations on Aussie that are only masking her own inadequacies and failures. Taking all of her frustration out on him. Unfairly. So I would either suggest that you meet with her one last time, and tell her you want the floor to speak your peace, UNINTERRUPTED. OR, just go NC, but write your own letter, that will not be sent, of course, and keep your silence, if speaking to her will only raise her ire, which it probably will, but it's up to you if it's worth it. I only wrote the letter to you above b/c I thought it would help you to see the summary of what's happened and the highlights. So let me know what you think. Under no circumstances can you allow things to go on as they are. This has to stop. No more answering questions, as BD said. It's a waste of time. You either go NC and she gets the hint after being blocked, or you speak your peace. Nothing in writing, again, anything you write is to clear your head, not to send. Sorry for being long-winded. But desperate times call for desperate measures. I await your update, as always. Graceful
Author aussie_bloke Posted August 9, 2011 Author Posted August 9, 2011 Bluvv, cheers for your thoughts and input. Graceful...:eek::eek:....your letter literally left me, speachless...almost a little heartbroken on the verge of tears actually (man up aussie!). Everything you wrote is exactly what I have been thinking over the last 12 hours or so, so to come on here and read it was a shock, but also relieving to see I am understanding the whole picture. I actually sent her a text message last night saying "As much as I love you and want to fix things I can and will not put myself through this any longer. I will not continue to put myself out there and get nothing back anymore. I would if I had any sign that things might change but I don't all I get is this vicious circle of you not knowing. There comes a time when you can't not know anymore and that is now. So if there is any chance of us working out, come and see me tomorrow night so we can talk about things properly and make a plan to change things. If you don't turn up I will understand and I will respect your wishes and no longer contact you. A relationship requires two people, not one accusing and one chasing. I have self respect, self worth, I am a damn good person. If you can not see that then so be it, but I do." Longest text message I have ever written but I feel so much better. Its now the morning, she didn't reply to the message at all so I will see if she turns up tonight. To be honest I do not expect her to, but it will give me a base to start from. No turning back no matter what. Betterdeal, I agree with you completly about the vicious circle, also when I tried to make new points about her causing problems she wasn't interested and the conversation jumped back to aussie the @$$Hole. To be honest what I want is to be happy, like really happy, not the smile on the outside, when someone says how are you replying good, I want to be truely happy. I want to look forward to getting up in the morning not having to drag myself out of bed. I want to look forward to getting home from work, not dread it cos I know it will be quiet time alone. I also want to be in love, I want someone to love me, to share things with, go place etc etc. I want the closeness and intimacy I had. I want out of this circle and these thoughts. I want to be with the ex, but I don't know if she is who she was anymore. I wish more than anything that she is but her actions lately say otherwise and I can not see her for her at the moment. I shall update late tonight with whether she turns up or not, shall we take bets? Seriously guys, you are an amazing support, you are seriously blooooody brilliant! Aussie!
BLuvv Posted August 9, 2011 Posted August 9, 2011 NO offense to Bluvv, but Aussie's GF's problems are not relevant right now in terms of a decision. It's not enough to say you know what's wrong, which she has, but do nothing about it. He knows enough about them, and we have already told him she is possibly suffering from depression and is putting demands and expectations on Aussie that are only masking her own inadequacies and failures. Taking all of her frustration out on him. Unfairly. Graceful, Honestly, I am offended you completely dismissed my input. First of all, if you would actually have read what I said I'm in agreement with what you said: What she did isn't right and I think cutting contact is best. Somehow that got missed Also, I did read the thread and see all advice given. I know you already told him, sorry for repeating it. It's a public forum and I came to share as well and I can only speak from my experience. I've shared very personal stuff and I don't appreciate you dismissing it so completely. Also, there is no reason to completely persecute the ex and label her as a failure. Empathy is always a good thing to have. You can sympathize and see that she is only human and isn't a bad person, she just has some issues. I always hate when people break up and feel the need to trash their ex. Does that really make you feel better???! Once again I repeat, it doesn't excuse her behavior or change the facts, but it's always best to try to understand others rather than to just prejudge and label them as "depressed" or so on. She deserves happiness just like anyone else, even if this relationship doesn't work out. It is very advisable to not send a letter like you wrote especially because listing out the flaws one by one to someone already hurting is just mean. It makes you no better than the one lashing out. So with all due respect, before you claim I'm "wrong", at least read what I wrote. And I have every right to share my experience here, as do you. Even if you think it's been said enough. B
BLuvv Posted August 9, 2011 Posted August 9, 2011 Bluvv, cheers for your thoughts and input. Graceful...:eek::eek:....your letter literally left me, speachless...almost a little heartbroken on the verge of tears actually (man up aussie!). Everything you wrote is exactly what I have been thinking over the last 12 hours or so, so to come on here and read it was a shock, but also relieving to see I am understanding the whole picture. I actually sent her a text message last night saying "As much as I love you and want to fix things I can and will not put myself through this any longer. I will not continue to put myself out there and get nothing back anymore. I would if I had any sign that things might change but I don't all I get is this vicious circle of you not knowing. There comes a time when you can't not know anymore and that is now. So if there is any chance of us working out, come and see me tomorrow night so we can talk about things properly and make a plan to change things. If you don't turn up I will understand and I will respect your wishes and no longer contact you. A relationship requires two people, not one accusing and one chasing. I have self respect, self worth, I am a damn good person. If you can not see that then so be it, but I do." Longest text message I have ever written but I feel so much better. Its now the morning, she didn't reply to the message at all so I will see if she turns up tonight. To be honest I do not expect her to, but it will give me a base to start from. No turning back no matter what. Betterdeal, I agree with you completly about the vicious circle, also when I tried to make new points about her causing problems she wasn't interested and the conversation jumped back to aussie the @$$Hole. To be honest what I want is to be happy, like really happy, not the smile on the outside, when someone says how are you replying good, I want to be truely happy. I want to look forward to getting up in the morning not having to drag myself out of bed. I want to look forward to getting home from work, not dread it cos I know it will be quiet time alone. I also want to be in love, I want someone to love me, to share things with, go place etc etc. I want the closeness and intimacy I had. I want out of this circle and these thoughts. I want to be with the ex, but I don't know if she is who she was anymore. I wish more than anything that she is but her actions lately say otherwise and I can not see her for her at the moment. I shall update late tonight with whether she turns up or not, shall we take bets? Seriously guys, you are an amazing support, you are seriously blooooody brilliant! Aussie! Aussie, I want to wish you good luck and hope you find your closure one way or another. And you have also helped me too, I had a really good talk with my ex and I told him how right he was about so many things. He's a good guy like you and you both deserve happiness. I think your message was good and it can help stop the vicious cycle you've gotten into. Also, I know exactly what you mean about wanting to be just happy and excited about the future. I'm seeing a new therapist at the end of the month and I'm really hoping I can make progress. I need to make a list before I go because as you see from my long replies I have tons spinning around in my mind at any given time. Lol and I'm learning my happiness doesn't depend on a person but myself and making a choice to look at the positives. Even my ex fiance with whom I had such a tumultuous relationship, I have respect for and still look back and be thankful for all the good times we had. He was a good guy in so many ways, but had his own demons he still fights. It really is about choosing to look at the brightside. I think it is better to have loved and lost than to never loved at all. After all, at the very end we have our memories that stay with us. Take care! B
betterdeal Posted August 9, 2011 Posted August 9, 2011 (edited) Graceful, that was sublime. Aussie: Betterdeal, I agree with you completly about the vicious circle, also when I tried to make new points about her causing problems she wasn't interested and the conversation jumped back to aussie the @$$Hole. To be honest what I want is to be happy, like really happy, not the smile on the outside, when someone says how are you replying good, I want to be truely happy. I want to look forward to getting up in the morning not having to drag myself out of bed. I want to look forward to getting home from work, not dread it cos I know it will be quiet time alone. I also want to be in love, I want someone to love me, to share things with, go place etc etc. I want the closeness and intimacy I had. I want out of this circle and these thoughts. I want to be with the ex, but I don't know if she is who she was anymore. I wish more than anything that she is but her actions lately say otherwise and I can not see her for her at the moment. Perfect. I think you tagged the bit about being with your ex most deliberately on at the end. It's an afterthought. Frankly, you're fed up (well, I am) with you being in so much pain and having more heaped on you, unfairly, and you know in your heart that she is what she is, not what she was. Inside, I am sure, there is the same beautiful soul, but it's what's on the outside as well as what's on the insider that matters. The more she bags the sh*ts, the more it hurts you and it's not your fault and it's not helping you or her. You both need stability. You both need to cool off. Like two kids fighting in school, teacher breaks them up and sends them to cool off. You're in the madness of an ongoing fight and you need to say STOP. You're on the way up, my friend. You've acted with integrity, patience your heart and soul, and you're still being civil. You're a great guy. You don't deserve this. You're going to move on and grown from this. You're unstoppable. Edited August 9, 2011 by betterdeal
Graceful Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 So with all due respect, before you claim I'm "wrong", at least read what I wrote. And I have every right to share my experience here, as do you. Even if you think it's been said enough. Wow wow wow. Never said you were wrong, and did not mean to imply it at all, and am sorry if you misunderstood my intent. I did read what you said, quite honestly, every word, so please, no accusations about that toward me. Heavens. I don't think I deserved this lashing out, and I don't know where it came from, quite honestly. I did not dismiss your input, so I would like to say that if we had a misunderstanding here, I am truly sorry. You don't know me, but I think if you read enough of my posts on this board, you would know that while I am not always one to sugarcoat, I do not do anything to offend anyone here. If I offended you, it was inadvertent, quite honestly, and in no way intended. I would prefer not to get into a debate with you, you are more than welcome here, as of course you know, and you certainly have plenty to offer. What makes you feel I dismissed you by one sentence, I cannot imagine. I think my point was lost because I did *not* want to offend you (hence, I said, "no offense" , since I did not want you to think I was disagreeing with you ... and it backfired ...) since you were sharing a lot of your thoughts from the viewpoint of the ex's problems. They are valid, indeed, but in terms of Aussie's next actions, yes, I feel that he needs to think of himself first, and she needs to get support for her issues on her own. Insofar as the rest of your comments, I honestly post in support of the person posting. Aussie can stand up for himself, and has. If he disagreed with advice, he has said so. If he has agreed, he has said so. If you don't like the advice, that is your right. And I don't believe that anyone here ever "trashed" anyone, but if you are sensitive to the advice based on your own experience, I can understand that. The letter was for Aussie to reflect on. NOT to send, and I stated that. And it was not mean, not at all, you read it with your eyes, from your viewpoint, so maybe it upset you. It was for Aussie to summarize the pain he has experienced recently, and it was for his eyes only. If his ex were here posting her story, she would get support from her side, believe me. But he's the one who is reaching out, and he is the person that is asking for support. I apologize for offending you, if that is the case, it was not in any way deliberate. I feel you have somewhat attacked me here, but I by no means take it personally. I think you have taken something way out of context, and taken your sensitivity into something that was not intended. I have never, ever been attacked like this on the LS board, or any other support board, so I guess it was bound to happen at some point, but again, please accept my humble apology. And next time, why not just ask me what I meant, rather than jumping to conclusions, okay? Peace / out. Grace
BLuvv Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 Wow wow wow. Never said you were wrong, and did not mean to imply it at all, and am sorry if you misunderstood my intent. I did read what you said, quite honestly, every word, so please, no accusations about that toward me. Heavens. I don't think I deserved this lashing out, and I don't know where it came from, quite honestly. I did not dismiss your input, so I would like to say that if we had a misunderstanding here, I am truly sorry. You don't know me, but I think if you read enough of my posts on this board, you would know that while I am not always one to sugarcoat, I do not do anything to offend anyone here. If I offended you, it was inadvertent, quite honestly, and in no way intended. I would prefer not to get into a debate with you, you are more than welcome here, as of course you know, and you certainly have plenty to offer. What makes you feel I dismissed you by one sentence, I cannot imagine. I think my point was lost because I did *not* want to offend you (hence, I said, "no offense" , since I did not want you to think I was disagreeing with you ... and it backfired ...) since you were sharing a lot of your thoughts from the viewpoint of the ex's problems. They are valid, indeed, but in terms of Aussie's next actions, yes, I feel that he needs to think of himself first, and she needs to get support for her issues on her own. Insofar as the rest of your comments, I honestly post in support of the person posting. Aussie can stand up for himself, and has. If he disagreed with advice, he has said so. If he has agreed, he has said so. If you don't like the advice, that is your right. And I don't believe that anyone here ever "trashed" anyone, but if you are sensitive to the advice based on your own experience, I can understand that. The letter was for Aussie to reflect on. NOT to send, and I stated that. And it was not mean, not at all, you read it with your eyes, from your viewpoint, so maybe it upset you. It was for Aussie to summarize the pain he has experienced recently, and it was for his eyes only. If his ex were here posting her story, she would get support from her side, believe me. But he's the one who is reaching out, and he is the person that is asking for support. I apologize for offending you, if that is the case, it was not in any way deliberate. I feel you have somewhat attacked me here, but I by no means take it personally. I think you have taken something way out of context, and taken your sensitivity into something that was not intended. I have never, ever been attacked like this on the LS board, or any other support board, so I guess it was bound to happen at some point, but again, please accept my humble apology. And next time, why not just ask me what I meant, rather than jumping to conclusions, okay? Peace / out. Grace Grace, Honestly, I would have rather not put this on the main thread, but I can't seem to PM people on here. I hate the statement "NO Offense" because obviously what follows can be somewhat offensive to someone. Some reason you picked out my name and say yeah you're saying all that but it doesn't matter, because 'WE' have already told him- therefore invalidating my input- at least that's how I took it. I am only defending myself. Also, what you wrote upset me, I don't know why you had to put my name and then say it like I was on the complete wrong track?? I'm trying to help and offer support. I'm obviously hurting a ton right now and I came here and found some much needed hope and a new perspective that is leading me in a good direction. So YES, I am incredibly sensitive right now. When you characterize the ex, who I've said shares many similarities with myself, basically saying she's failing and inadequate, yeah, it hurts. Especially, because I don't want to be this way. I really don't. And people have reasons for the way they are, people don't just become that way for no reason. And to characterize my opinion and sharing my hurt as an "attack" is going a bit far, don't you think??! I'm not attacking you, and you're right I don't know you at all. Also, you say it's for his eye's only but this is a "public" forum. Of course, other people are going to read it. I don't want to get in a debate either. But I don't think it was necessary to pull out my name to show why something wasn't right. Anyways, I appreciate your apology and am sorry if I misunderstood. Without the benefit of tone and body language, words on a screen can be completely misunderstood. I also only meant to share my feelings because it upset me when I read it. You may think my reaction was overly sensitive and probably was. Like I said, I'm working on myself and struggling a lot. I first came here on a long sleepless night after a long sleepless week and I'm tired of being upset. So I apologize for being so quick to jump to conclusions. It's scary to open up and share such personal stuff that I don't normally share. Anyways, next time I will try my best to not take things so personally. Sorry for putting all this mess on the board. B
betterdeal Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 Right, ladies, I take it you've kissed and made up? Good. Aussie, how's it going?
Author aussie_bloke Posted August 10, 2011 Author Posted August 10, 2011 G'day better, Mate to be perfectly honest, it was an afterthought. I have felt so gutted that wanting to be with her comes after all the stuff I said about being happy. I really do want to be with her, but without the other stuff it means bugger all. You know the days of NC before the text message incident were okay, they wernt great or back to my normal self but they were so much better than than the time since the breakup, now today I have felt gutted again. I know I have done it to myself by letting myself get pulled back into the not knowing conversations etc and giving her the ultimatum to show up tonight and make a plan to fix things or else I am gone has not helped me as it has just made me feel anxious about whether she is going to turn up or not. HOWEVER, after reading your post, your thoughts and confidence have given me a boost. Mate I know shes not turning up tonight, as much as I would love her to, on the inside I think I really know shes not going to. Once this thought gets reinforced tonight I have no choice but to go forward, no contact and try and concentrate on me. I can't control what she does, (wish I could) but I can control me. Actually no I don't wish I could control what she does, whats the point in being with her if she doesn't want to be there herself? Mate cheers again for your support, you're a dead set legend!
Author aussie_bloke Posted August 10, 2011 Author Posted August 10, 2011 Well as I thought...she didn't turn up. She didn't even call/message me to tell me she wasn't coming or explain anything, just nothing. Whilst in a way this sucks and it certainly twists the knife, it has actually given me strength also. This was the absolute last straw, I wouldn't let a single other person on the planet treat me like this so there is no reason I should expect it from someone who supposedly cares about me. I am not a doormat, an option, something to lean on... no more aussie the yo-yo.
betterdeal Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 That's too bad, man. Changed your phone number and delete hers.
BLuvv Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 Well as I thought...she didn't turn up. She didn't even call/message me to tell me she wasn't coming or explain anything, just nothing. Whilst in a way this sucks and it certainly twists the knife, it has actually given me strength also. This was the absolute last straw, I wouldn't let a single other person on the planet treat me like this so there is no reason I should expect it from someone who supposedly cares about me. I am not a doormat, an option, something to lean on... no more aussie the yo-yo. In a blessing in disguise kind of way I think it's for the best. Sometimes the things that hurt the most give you the clearest answers. It's good you took that and used it to motivate you to move on. You're on the right path and though it's not always easy, at least you know what you have to do. And that is take care of yourself and do whatever is best for you. Take care. B
Author aussie_bloke Posted August 10, 2011 Author Posted August 10, 2011 Thanks better & B, I was hoping I would wake up with a better perspective this morning but seems its not the case yet. I can't get her off my mind...Ive been to the gym and its only 6am, looks like its going to be a loooooooooooooong day. Have a great day guys
BLuvv Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 Thanks better & B, I was hoping I would wake up with a better perspective this morning but seems its not the case yet. I can't get her off my mind...Ive been to the gym and its only 6am, looks like its going to be a loooooooooooooong day. Have a great day guys Unfortunately I know that feeling all too well. The first day is the worst, from there it gets better. Some days are better than others, but in my experience there is nothing worse than that first day it really sinks in. I honestly wanted to lay in bed and disappear. The only thing that got me up was the fact that I had to let my dog outside and feed him. Somehow after that I managed to drag myself to work. I had some moments I would tear up and rush to the back stairwell or the restroom to pull myself together. Keep your head up sometimes you just got to fake it til you make it. Smile til it feels real. B
gothowitz Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 Hey aussie_bloke! Just wanted to say that you seem like a fantastic guy. I admire the fact that you owned up to your mistakes and made the conscious effort to try to make things right with her. Unfortunately, her fear of being vulnerable with you again got in the way of your plan to show her the "new and improved" boyfriend you would've been to her. I wish you nothing but the best, and here's to hoping that our happily-ever-afters will come sooner rather than later!
Calisha Brown Posted August 11, 2011 Posted August 11, 2011 Start dating other people. The fastest way to get over an old love is to get a new one. I think this is the perfect answer for Aussie!
broken-and-lost Posted August 11, 2011 Posted August 11, 2011 Thanks better & B, I was hoping I would wake up with a better perspective this morning but seems its not the case yet. I can't get her off my mind...Ive been to the gym and its only 6am, looks like its going to be a loooooooooooooong day. Have a great day guys hey aussie I spent my first few months stuck in a swimming pool and gym, i thought i was going to develop flippers and start singing at sailors on ships it does help with moods and things but unfortunately your mind will still wonder on to thoughts of your ex it's normal and you just have to go though it but we are all here to help process the thought with you stay strong bud and believe in a better tomorrow plus by the time your back to normal imagine how good a shape you'll be in, i've actually developed a bit of a 6 pack instead of the barrel of beer i was starting to get from being in a comfortable relationship lol good day to you sir !!!!
Author aussie_bloke Posted August 11, 2011 Author Posted August 11, 2011 Hey aussie_bloke! Just wanted to say that you seem like a fantastic guy. I admire the fact that you owned up to your mistakes and made the conscious effort to try to make things right with her. Unfortunately, her fear of being vulnerable with you again got in the way of your plan to show her the "new and improved" boyfriend you would've been to her. I wish you nothing but the best, and here's to hoping that our happily-ever-afters will come sooner rather than later! Gothowitz, thanks for your reply. I appreciate your thoughts and cheers for the compliment. Even though the situation sucks and I wish it had turned out differently, I have definently learned things to improve any future relationships. Thanks again!
Author aussie_bloke Posted August 11, 2011 Author Posted August 11, 2011 I think this is the perfect answer for Aussie! Haha thanks for the thought but I don't think I could. I am still in love with the ex and until that fades I don't think its fair on anyone else to start something that I am not fully in. I agree new people are a good temporary distraction though, its the long term that worries me.
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