betterdeal Posted August 2, 2011 Posted August 2, 2011 I know, but you guys are bouncing to and forth in a matter of hours. It's winding you both up. Just take some time out from this. Even if it's for just a week.
Graceful Posted August 2, 2011 Posted August 2, 2011 Aussie, It hurt so much to see your update. I have to say, I stand by all that you, Betterdeal and I have discussed thus far, but that being said, there is nothing that any of us can do right now to change your GF's mind or redirect her anger. If I were not on this board seeing the stories that I (and everyone else) see here, the "out of the blue" breakups that seem to come out of nowhere, I would have a harder time believing your situation. Sadly, this does happen. Your ex let an entire year go by without every saying anything about her unhappy state of mind regarding your relationship, and now, is unleashing all of her wrath onto you. It's so much more than just YOU, and we all know that. when she got here she proceeded to rip shreds off me, saying I had hurt her for too long and that she can't do this, she can't give me a chance as I made her feel like crap every single day for a year and now that I am trying to make up for it she is angry as its too late. She said she can't give me a chance and proceeded to tell me basically what a prick i was. So there I stood with a bag full of that stuff and her telling me too late! It seems the good times didnt mean anything, and believe me there were plenty of good times even over the last 12 months, we had weekends away and even a two week break on the coast going shopping and things she liked. Even if I did let the ball drop a bit with the romantic gestures its not like we were in a terrible relationship, there was still good and we did care for eachother. I have never ever cared for anyone as much as I do for her. Anyway I said ok you can't give me a chance, and I can't keep having everything I do to try and make up for it thrown in my face and that I thought it was best she left. I am hurting like I never have before, it seems there is no hope and I don't know how to deal with any of this. I really don't know how I am going to get up and go to work tomorrow, and the next day and so on and continue going on without her... I just wish I could escape these feelings and thoughts All I can say right now is that she has made a decision, and you are best off leaving her alone, letting the decision stand, and going into NC, as Betterdeal has stated. She is entitled to her feelings, and if this is how she feels, that is that. If she resents your efforts, no, you cannot make any more. She is clearly putting you in a "no win" situation. If she turns around and accuses you (at a later date) of "not trying to get her back" then you will see she is being passive aggressive with you -- but let's cross that bridge when we come to it. For whatever reason, she is putting the blame for all her misery on you, and again, there is nothing any of us can do about that. Stay on the LS board for support. I can't tell you how my heart went to the floor when I read your update. Is it better to be out of limbo? Yes, it is. At least you can put your focus on yourself right now, which is where you need to build up strength. Take each day one at a time, don't get ahead of yourself. Take care of yourself, Aussie.
Author aussie_bloke Posted August 3, 2011 Author Posted August 3, 2011 Graceful, thank you for your thoughts and I appreciate you having continued to check this thread and my progress. Today was tough, one day down though, I think its crazy how my emotions fluctuate to such an extent, sometimes i am kinda angry that she just walked away, but most of the time I feel just sad, lost and rejected. Then there are the times like now when I get home to an empty house, make a coffee and sit down. We didn't live together, but the quiet time just amplifies the lonely feeling. Is it possible to send PM's on this board? Betterdeal you are right that we both need time away, I don't think it will change the situation but it has to be better than the pain I've been through over the last month, back and forward, not knowing. Graceful and Better, have a great day guys
Graceful Posted August 3, 2011 Posted August 3, 2011 Aussie - of course I am checking on you. Despite the turn of events, it looks like having a place to go (here) has helped you and telling your story bit by bit has given you some perspective. Yes, that will change from day to day (anger, to sadness, back to anger, back to complete despair, and so forth) and that is only to be expected. You have very little control of the situation as far as what your ex is feeling, so just remember that you're going through one of life's toughest blows and you're not going to get through it in a linear fashion. No one does. Is it possible to send PM's on this board? Yes it is, but LS administers the capability, and you need to have a number of posts and participation on the LS board before the functionality is made available to you. Betterdeal and I both have the PM function, but unfortunately, you don't have it yet. If you continue to post, you'll find that you have PM rights at some point. If you feel the board is helping and you have thoughts that you want to vent, by all means, keep returning. You can always start a new thread, too, that's up to you. If I see you around, I will continue to weigh in with whatever feedback I have to offer. No one is a saint. And as previously discussed, very few of us are mind readers. If you were on a different page than your ex regarding your relationship, she never sat you down and tried to do some damage control, then you have to take it one step further and realize that at some point, if not now, then at a future point, the relationship may have imploded anyhow. Your ex was like a volcano waiting to erupt, she really was. For now, when someone puts you in a "no win" situation, you have to back away. If it's too late to turn things around in her book, then by all means, take her at her word. NOTE: this is something many people do not get, and make themselves even more miserable in the process. I'm around. And I'm here if you need a kick in the pants, a listening ear, or anything else. Thanks for the well wishes. Hope you have a productive day, and I will try to do the same. Make it a good one. Take care, Aussie.
betterdeal Posted August 4, 2011 Posted August 4, 2011 Man, as Graceful has said, you're damned if you do and damned if you don't. To me, it sounds like your ex has concluded things already and decided that splitting up is the right choice for her, without consulting you fairly. Whatever her reasons for doing so, it has been done. But now you have a known. A certainty. Your path is different from what you assumed it would be right now, but it's clearer that it is now. Everything we three have discussed, the various remedies, suggestions and ideas, are all something you can bear in mind next time something like this happens in your life. You're a wiser man now because of this. Emotionally, it's going to take time, to process and start feeling yourself again. The less upsetting things going on, the more calm and clarity you'll find - hence you lose contact. It's just a way of moving onto the next chapter in your life. I feel for you, bro.
Author aussie_bloke Posted August 4, 2011 Author Posted August 4, 2011 Hey guys, Another day in paradise . When I got to work someone had left me an envelope under the door with two theatre tickets for tomorrow night! Lucky me!. Betterdeal, thanks mate, I realised this morning that even though I am extremely sad and hurt, I actually feel slightly relieved, there is no more not knowing, uncertainty etc, which actually suprised me. I still find myself thinking about what I have lost pretty much all day, but as you say I suppose that will pass in time. I wish I could change things but at the end of the day I can't. Graceful, cheers for your reply, I noticed I have 41 posts, I didn't realise I had done that many, I have never been the forum posting kind, but this has helped me, even if the end situation didn't change. Turns out she has been telling people how terrible I was and all the reasons we broke up, I heard from mutual friends, I don't know why people feel the need to tell me this I would really rather not know. Seems she is pretty angry at me which is probably making it easier for her to push me away. I know we had a great relationship and it is sad that she has to exagerate the few small things to the point where she feels the whole thing was worthless. Day 2 NC woohoo!
betterdeal Posted August 4, 2011 Posted August 4, 2011 Which bit of Oz are you in? I lived in Melbourne for 3 months about 10 years ago.
Author aussie_bloke Posted August 4, 2011 Author Posted August 4, 2011 Which bit of Oz are you in? I lived in Melbourne for 3 months about 10 years ago. I'm up in Queensland mate, did you see much of Oz while you were living here?
betterdeal Posted August 4, 2011 Posted August 4, 2011 Unfortunately, not. I was skint, and working my arse off in Melbourne, then had a couple of weeks in Sydney. Seeing the rest of it is on my to-do list. Queensland. Gold coast?
Graceful Posted August 4, 2011 Posted August 4, 2011 Cheers, Gentlemen. Gee, Aussie, I wonder how those theatre tickets found their way to your office? Now really. Some people feel the need to make a point. So be it. I don't want to be disrespectful. I actually feel slightly relieved, there is no more not knowing, uncertainty etc, which actually suprised me. I still find myself thinking about what I have lost pretty much all day, but as you say I suppose that will pass in time. I wish I could change things but at the end of the day I can't. Turns out she has been telling people how terrible I was and all the reasons we broke up, I heard from mutual friends, I don't know why people feel the need to tell me this I would really rather not know. Seems she is pretty angry at me which is probably making it easier for her to push me away. I know we had a great relationship and it is sad that she has to exagerate the few small things to the point where she feels the whole thing was worthless. Aussie, I really do think our convo has helped, because even though you are going to experience a lot of pain in the coming weeks and your break up is not a trivial matter, you have the perspective to see that it's a "done deal", you are out of limbo, and feel a sense of strange relief from that. It will keep you from groveling, making yourself even more vulnerable, and making yourself a target for her barbs. This is a *choice* and a good one, as I mentioned, it's one that many do not take. She has made a decision, you are responding in kind. NO turning back. As for what she's saying and friends relaying that to you? Tacky. Tacky. I agree. Ask them to stop. Quietly respond by saying that you and your ex had a conversation, and you know all you need to know. There are two sides to every story, but what's done is done. You have no need to trash your ex. Done and done. Stay the course. In all truth, there is nothing left to say to her. Right now, the idea of contacting her should be repellent to you. She thinks you're a juicebag, afterall. :rolleyes: So who wants to talk to someone who thinks something like that? Not you. Never been to Oz, but it would be an enticing vacation some day. I had a co-worker who has been to Oz 3 times on vacation. Right now, it would prove too damaging to my savings account. But some day ... yes. Have a good day, Gents.
Author aussie_bloke Posted August 4, 2011 Author Posted August 4, 2011 G'day guys, Betterdeal, I was on the gold coast for 12 months a few years back, its tough living down there, so touristy and people going everywhere at 100mile an hour all the time. I did enjoy the surfing though. I am now in Gladstone about 6ish hours north, its a bit quieter up here, still a bit of surf and plenty of fishing etc. Graceful, The mutal 'friends' also said they said they felt she was not acting like herself and that she would probably come running back sometime in the near future. I just replied that I am moving on for now and will cross that bridge if if/when I come to it. I have no idea if I could even work things out anymore, sure I am still madly in love with her but all this takes a certain toll on your self worth, confidence etc and I am really in no position to even consider that as an option at the moment, nor do I feel it will even happen. I did not discuss the situation with them other than that and asked them to keep what they hear to themselves as it does not do me any good to draw things out. I need to keep track on my new perspective. I hate it how people feel the need to get involved and gossip between the two parties like this, I could never do that as I feel someone elses relationship is between them. Sure its one thing to give advice but not to play both sides of the fence. Anyway I guess I'm off to the theatre tonight, no sense in wasting the tickets. Today I'm feeling not so good about everything again, it's Friday and the thought of the weekend isn't too appealing. Hava good one guys
Author aussie_bloke Posted August 4, 2011 Author Posted August 4, 2011 Graceful, what you said about some ppl needing to make a point... The tickets were not just inside an envelope, they were still inside the card, card envelope and then a new envelope. So it wasn't even like, ah he spent money on these I should give them back, it was a here take your tickets, card and even the envelope you put them in to send to me, stick it all up your ..... and here while you're at it take a kick in balls. Seriously, WHAT A BITCHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Graceful Posted August 6, 2011 Posted August 6, 2011 Graceful, what you said about some ppl needing to make a point... The tickets were not just inside an envelope, they were still inside the card, card envelope and then a new envelope. So it wasn't even like, ah he spent money on these I should give them back, it was a here take your tickets, card and even the envelope you put them in to send to me, stick it all up your ..... and here while you're at it take a kick in balls. Seriously, WHAT A BITCHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! :D Yeah, I thought the same thing, but didn't feel it was my place to come right out and say it. I've never done anything like that, and can't imagine it, but then again, I'm not one to waste theatre tickets or give back a gift! How's the weekend going? It's only Saturday for me, but it's probably close to Sunday for you, so one day down. The weekends can be very tough (unless you work weekends), so it's important to keep busy and not get tempted to break NC. For you, that's critical. And I think you know that. Check in if you're around and have anything to get off your chest. I have a hair cut appointment soon, and have to hit the road. Let me know "whaddup" if you're up for it. It's your day, make the most of it.
broken-and-lost Posted August 6, 2011 Posted August 6, 2011 hey aussie Reading your post and how your feeling reminds me a lot about my relationship which ended about 8 months ago now tho it is slightly different to yours as i was the one suffering with the depression and i hurt her unintentionally with my actions of self hate it's also very familiar in the way your ex has treated you last year of my relationship i really made the effort to fix my issues when to therapy in private never said a bad word or questioned my girlfriend never got into any fights and just tried my best to make up for things only to have her build up all this rage and let lose and dump me saying all the things your ex pretty much said to you. When someone gets to that stage and they just want to blame you and unload all that hate there really is nothing you can do apart from keep your distance and try to remember that yes you may have made some mistakes but it doesn't make you a bad person nor do you deserve all that anger thrown at you. All i can say is stay NC it really is the only way to get back to who you were, my ex keeps trying to open the wounds by sending me the odd e-mail every month or so saying nothing apart from i saw this job and thought of you, if i reach out to her it's a face full of hate back this has gone on for months apart from i no longer reach out as it's too painful so if you can i really suggest the NC NC NC hope you begin to enjoy life again soon fella good day
Author aussie_bloke Posted August 7, 2011 Author Posted August 7, 2011 Hey guys, Better & Graceful....Had a busy weekend, went out to a mates place last night and had a few drinks. Although it seems that no matter how much I try and distact myself I still miss her like hell. I just want to see her so badly and for everything to be okay but I know it can't happen. I really wish I could find a way out of this mess instead of just waiting day by day for things to get better. Broken cheers for your input mate, its helpful to know other ppl have experienced similar things and come out the other side. Hope you had a good weekend guys, and hope you enjoyed the hairdressers graceful Cheers Aussie
BLuvv Posted August 7, 2011 Posted August 7, 2011 To Aussie, I stumbled on your thread while looking for some comfort in this site while I'm in a lot of hurt. And I feel like I found this one for a reason. Hopefully I can offer some insight because I can relate on the other side- to your ex. I'm long into a breakup that has dragged on far too long, but I'm not comfortable to share my whole story just yet. But the end of my relationship was very sudden and similar. I was the one who ended it, and I was in a world of hurt. However, I can honestly my ex who continues to be a best friend to me is truly an amazing guy. At the time though I was so wrapped up in negative emotions and I told him I couldn't do it anymore. I cried and a flood of hurt came out that I'm sure overwhelmed and surprised him. He was understandably defensive. I cried on the phone with him the whole night. By morning I had already regretted what I had done. But it was too late. I was diagnosed with depression at a young age of 14 and have battled it my whole life. I have phases where I'm fine but it comes back with a vengence. I know I am moody and hard to handle. I can't deal with my own feelings, how could I ever expect anyone else to? Also, the things my ex did really did hurt, though I realize now that he didn't mean to hurt me. We talk a lot and I've told him that things he said to me came across as criticism and cut my deeply and I realize it is due to my own insecurities. He told me he only wants to help and he offers his "criticism" to be constructive and help and because he cares. And we have come to a somewhat better understanding. I also have a job I despise but am terrified and held back by my anxieties to find something better. I'm broke and struggling and miserable and he always got frustrated with me for not trying to find a new job. It hurt and I felt he didn't supprt me, but he was trying to help. I know this now. Also, I was constantly passive agressive in telling him what hurt me. I hint too much and bottle up feelings too much. I know it's bad because then it comes out in a flood of grief that overwhelms people and makes no sense to those around me. No wonder my ex defended himself. How could I expect him to read my mind and know what I wanted from him??! It was truly unfair of me. If I could go back and do it over I would have been more assertive in the beginning and have tried to communicate more and be open with my feelings. But I'm still fighting the habit and I'm still learning. I've been changing my medcines and am looking to therapy to help me. I have a lot of issues from childhood and past abusive relationships that still haunt me. And the thing is, no one but myself can truly work through these issues. I have to be the one to change, no one can do it for me. My ex who has good, solid boundaries has made it clear he will be there and has kept to his word which I appreciate so much, but he has emphasized that he doesn't want to be a crutch to me. I love him and I miss him and I miss us. I wish so much we could be together. I don't know if it will be possible. I know he will always be my best friend, but I do worry the damage is too much. Also, I know I'm not in a stable state to be in any kind of healthy relationship. I hate to think that and it further depresses me sometimes. I think the situation with your ex is similar and she has her own issues she needs to solve on her own. I think she does care, but she is focusing on the hurt and the neagtive. Depression can make you very self-absorbed and you get stuck inside your own head. And often I do get angry that people can't understand how I feel because i they have never felt that way and I think they don't get it. But I try to stop and think and gain some perspective to see how others feel. It's very hard and sounds like she is very up and down. Anyways, hope I help even in some small way. B
Author aussie_bloke Posted August 7, 2011 Author Posted August 7, 2011 B, thanks for the reply. I appreciate you sharing some of your experience and it has given me a little bit of insight into what is possibly happening in my ex's mind, however I actually agree with what you said about you think nobody can understand as they haven't been through it. While I can appreciate that depression may impact someones thought processes, I just honestly can not understand how someone can have something so great in their life and in their mind destroy it, be that not communicating, or focusing on little things and over building them or whatever, I just can not comprehend how someone does that. I know it happens, but I do not understand it. I hope you continue to feel better and better as time goes on, its great to see that you realise what happens and are trying to take a step back from things when the situation gets too much. Thanks again, Aussie
broken-and-lost Posted August 7, 2011 Posted August 7, 2011 Hey Aussie I hope your having a better day as with all breakups regardless of the situation you will have good and bad and your mind will wonder a lot. Depression in general is a very difficult disease for people to understand it's not like having a bad day or feeling a little low like every human being feels at some point, it's a chemical imbalance in the brain, if you think about being down sometimes or in pain as a rain shower which clears and doesn't last long, then depression is more like a continual storm which only clears for very brief moments but soon returns to a ragging storm within your brain. There is a great book called i had a black dog............. doesn't cost much and it's more of a picture book but i thought it explains depression and it's effects on the people who suffer with it, and the people who have to suffer along with them very well. It won't help fix your relationship now but it might be worth a look if you want to understand why your ex is acting the way she is or has...... Hope your bearing up fella take care !
BLuvv Posted August 8, 2011 Posted August 8, 2011 B, thanks for the reply. I appreciate you sharing some of your experience and it has given me a little bit of insight into what is possibly happening in my ex's mind, however I actually agree with what you said about you think nobody can understand as they haven't been through it. While I can appreciate that depression may impact someones thought processes, I just honestly can not understand how someone can have something so great in their life and in their mind destroy it, be that not communicating, or focusing on little things and over building them or whatever, I just can not comprehend how someone does that. I know it happens, but I do not understand it. I hope you continue to feel better and better as time goes on, its great to see that you realise what happens and are trying to take a step back from things when the situation gets too much. Thanks again, Aussie Thank you for your kind words, Aussie. I am hoping I can get back to being myself again for sure. I hate the way I get when depression takes over. Somedays after a bad breakdown of being so upset and crying I wake up and it's like being hung over, just completely drained and aching head and even feeling ashamed for acting so "emo"...I don't know a better word to describe it. I hate that I let my feelings get the best of me, even when they are oftentimes irrational. Not to discard my feelings completely, because of course I'm genuinely hurt, but I feel like no one can take that seriously after so many depressive episodes. I can empathize your confusion. All my other relationships have been pretty bad, cheaters, users, abusers. Then I found my most recent ex who treated me like i'd never been treated before. He was kind, he was respectful, loving and caring. He wasn't perfect of course no one is. And there were some things I wished could change and small issues, but I do really think I blew them up in my mind. And then when I sank to a bad low, there was so much turmoil in my life and I lost a close family member and was having a terrible time at work and so much other things, and I felt unsupported. I was hurting so bad and I just wanted him to make me feel better. I realize that's a lot of pressure and I wasn't communicating well. I leaned on him a lot, buti think no matter how much he did, in my mind it seemed he didn't care enough or try hard enough. My insecurities and pessimism didn't help, I feel like people always disappoint me. Sometimes because I've been hurt so bad I feel like I sabotage things before I have a chance to get hurt more. I also miss out a chance for something great by doing that. In my case I potentially destroyed forever a great relationship. Though I don't know you or your ex I think she really does care and is feeling wounded. But she does have her own issues to deal with and you can't solve them for her. I'm sure part of her wishes you could have fixed them or loved her enough to make that hurt go away. But its unreasonable and she can't be in a loving relationship until she solves those issues. I know on that side, you hurt for so long, you do wish someone could just take your pain away. It upsets me because I feel I'm so far from being in a stable place and I wish my ex could see I'm worth it anyways. I love him more than anything and miss him, but he said he can't consider being with me until I take certain steps. It sucks because I just want to be happy and be together and not alone. A certain helplessness takes over me at times. Those days I feel like I can never be good enough or that nothing I do matters. I am so up and down lately. Anyways, also my depression while I think is somewhat herediatary has more to do with events in my life. I have been hurt so much and seen so much pain that I turned inward. With your ex, there is likely a reason she is that way and she will have to find the root of her problem and find her own way to solve it. And believe me its no cake walk. I struggle everyday. In fact, some days I can't even get out of bed. It is a sensitive subject, but I think if you frame it suppotively to your ex you can bring it up in a way to help her because you obviously care a great deal for her. In her clouded vision she can't see that right now, but in time I'm sure she'll realize what you tried to do for her. It may not happen quicly and may take time. Depression is such a struggle and all-consuming, but I know I've had years of good times and I love when I feel like myself. Hopefully she can find peace. And I hope I help you see the difference between the person and the disease of depression. Because depression is not me, its something I have. I know I'm a good person but depression is ugly. You're obviously hurting and it hurts to try so hard and things don't work out the way you want, but know no matter what you did you couldn't win in this situation. So of course be there for her if you want to but you shoudl set certain boundaries because it is unfair to you and you don't want to get hurt more. Besides tons of girls would dream of having a guy try so hard for them like you have! B
Author aussie_bloke Posted August 8, 2011 Author Posted August 8, 2011 Here comes and update and a half! (graceful I think you'll find this one interesting) I was out having a few drinks saturday night and i messaged a friend but I accidently sent the message to the ex. This was an honest mistake, they're names start with the same letter and I must have by habit text it to her. Anyway the message basically just said whats up and the persons name, however it happens that the ex was always quite jealous of this girl. Nothing has ever happened between us, nor do I think it ever will, we used to be very good mates but as the ex was always slightly funny about her I distanced myself from the friendship to make it easier. Anyway this friend heard we had split up and had been talking to me a bit to see how I was coping etc. Now you have the background...ofcourse comes the instant abuse messages informing me what a complete @$$hole i am etc etc and even a rather absuive phone call to which after a couple of minutes I ended. I told her nothign was going on and that I had not lied to her and that she had no right to tell me who I can be friends with as she ended our relationship and I am doing the only thing I can which is moving on. She accused me of lieing to her throughout our relationship and that she felt something had been going on with this other girl behind her back etc etc. In honest truth I have no so much as spoken to this girl in probably the best part of 3 years. So anyway the next day, she messaged me saying I had hurt her etc etc and she was going to leave me alone for good. Oh she also deleted myself and all mutal friends family from facebook saturday night, not that I have been using facebook much at all lately. ANNNYYYWAYYY...sunday night she texts me again and says she is sorry for hurting me and sorry for over reacting last night and that she doesnt think she will be happy again as she feels she can't trust anyone but her family. I replied saying it will take time for her to heal but eventually she will be happy. Now today she has been texting me throughout the day while at work and we have been speaking about actual problems we had, she has been bringing them up. She said she feels I never opened up to her properly and I always kept her at arms length. Things like why when she brought up marriage or kids that I was always awkward and didnt discuss it or plan anything concrete for the future. She said she felt like I was always just living day to day and while we had vauge plans for the future nothing was set in concrete, I didnt tell her I wanted to get married enough etc, and then there is the lack of romance and stuff we have discussed before. (Graceful your thoughts about it never being one thing could not have been more true and today I actually found out alot of the other problems for the first time). Anyway I get the impression from our conversation, through text messages mind you, that she actually kind of understands my position, why I was like I was and let the romance lack etc and why I didn't plan things like marriage etc with her, mainly as I was more focussed on building the business etc. She seems like she wants to fix things now that we have spoken about all of this however she also says she doesn;t know if she has any trust left to open herself upto the possibilty of being hurt again. She says she doesn;t know if I really love her or not (bloody hell if this girl could read my mind she would be in no doubt there). Now my problem is where to from here...do I just do nothing and go back to no contact or do I try and meet up with her to discuss things more in person, do I leave the ball in her court and see what happens? I am lost. Does she really want to sort things out? Is she trying to suck me back into not knowing limbo? Graceful, betterdeal, anyone...thoughts please! EDIT: I think its worth saying I feel like an absolute @$$hole for messaging her wiht someone elses message however it honestly was not intentional, nor was there anything in there she would find offensive etc. What a mess!
Author aussie_bloke Posted August 8, 2011 Author Posted August 8, 2011 B G'day B, cheers for the reply. I see what you mean about depression being a seperate part of someone, like an illness not actually part of their personality. It seems depression is often a no win situation, on one hand I would love to help her heal in any way I can, I would do anything for her, but at the same time I don't know how long I could keep myself there hanging and hoping things would change after she felt better. I know I could never be just friends with her, my feelings are too strong and would never deminish to only friends. Hope you have a great day!
Graceful Posted August 8, 2011 Posted August 8, 2011 Here comes and update and a half! (graceful I think you'll find this one interesting) Yup, I did find it interesting. First, you're not the first, and you won't be the last, to send a text inadvertently to the wrong person, including an ex. One lesson here is to never say anything self-incriminating in a text message -- just kidding -- but seriously, thankfully your message was pretty innocent, aside from who it was actually for, the friend your ex harbored jealousy for. Yeesh, that's a mess. But again. What did your ex do? She could have just replied and said, "looks like this was for someone else" and been cool about it, but she flew off the handle, and in doing so, you see, digs herself in deeper as to how you feel, the boundary you put up, and the CHOICE that YOU have as to the possibility of reconciling. That's right. I'll say this loud and clear. Just because she dumped you, you're not a puppet on some strings she gets to play with. Didn't we briefly discuss the potential of her coming back? We did. Because she's very confused, and breaking up with you didn't solve anything, did it? This is where it gets tricky, you see. Because breaking up with you has only made her more miserable, she now sees (but not logically) that you're not the *only* problem in her life, and that issues with you, are perhaps, fixable. BUT SHE STILL HAS OTHER ISSUES. (sorry, not yelling, just emphasizing). She accused me of lieing to her throughout our relationship and that she felt something had been going on with this other girl behind her back etc etc. In honest truth I have no so much as spoken to this girl in probably the best part of 3 years. So anyway the next day, she messaged me saying I had hurt her etc etc and she was going to leave me alone for good. ANNNYYYWAYYY...sunday night she texts me again and says she is sorry for hurting me and sorry for over reacting last night and that she doesnt think she will be happy again as she feels she can't trust anyone but her family. Now today she has been texting me throughout the day while at work and we have been speaking about actual problems we had, she has been bringing them up. She said she feels I never opened up to her properly and I always kept her at arms length. Things like why when she brought up marriage or kids that I was always awkward and didnt discuss it or plan anything concrete for the future. She said she felt like I was always just living day to day and while we had vauge plans for the future nothing was set in concrete, I didnt tell her I wanted to get married enough etc, and then there is the lack of romance and stuff we have discussed before. Do you see what I see here? It's all about you, and your failings, and your lack of interest, or love, or devotion, blah blah blah. I know this is a quick take off texts, but there is no acknowledgement that she had a role to play, too, by speaking up, or asking you questions, or being more communicative. If that did happen, and you blew her off, then she does have every right to bring it all up now, but it still seems like she is putting ALL the burden on your shoulders, and unless she can get off of that line of thinking, you will be back to square one in a "no win" situation all over again. (Graceful your thoughts about it never being one thing could not have been more true and today I actually found out alot of the other problems for the first time). She seems like she wants to fix things now that we have spoken about all of this however she also says she doesn;t know if she has any trust left to open herself upto the possibilty of being hurt again. She says she doesn;t know if I really love her or not (bloody hell if this girl could read my mind she would be in no doubt there). Well, it's going to be a problem if she doesn't even believe that you're in love with her, now isn't it? But seriously, she either takes the leap of faith, or she doesn't. You can't do it for her, and it will be an utter waste of time, an utter disaster, and an exercise in futility to try to reconcile unless you at least have a BASELINE understanding and a foundation of trust that you are both using as a launch pad. If she either doesn't see that, or doesn't have it in her, then that's your answer. And this includes that you ask her to seek counselling, tell her that there is a possibility that she is depressed, and that she owes it to herself to discuss some of her issues with a professional. You are a support system, but you are not a professional. And no, you can't solve her problems for her. Now my problem is where to from here...do I just do nothing and go back to no contact or do I try and meet up with her to discuss things more in person, do I leave the ball in her court and see what happens? I am lost. Does she really want to sort things out? Is she trying to suck me back into not knowing limbo? Graceful, betterdeal, anyone...thoughts please! Right now, TBH, there is too much confusion for both of you, and yes, you will go back to limbo, it's too soon, and I don't think she has any idea what she wants. I'd wait and go back to NC. If she contacts you, tell her you need time to think, that her request to reconcile took you off guard and it's not that simple. That's when you should ask her if she would consider seeing a professional counselor first, before going ahead with the effort to reconcile. Do not sell yourself short here. You're too smart to go back to where you were a few short weeks ago. I say this with a lot of compassion in my heart, to Aussie, my friend, and to anyone else reading this. We all get to choose, yes CHOOSE, the way we expect to be treated. Depresssion notwithstanding, love is not a permanent emotion, and even if you are in love with someone, and no matter why they are mistreating you, damage can be done, feelings get hurt, and you see someone, with all their flaws, warts, and misdeeds, and you may decide that the person is not the one you want to spend your life with. This is what's so tricky. You have to think of yourself first, not your ex, but yourself. The top has been blown off. Yes, it's SO much more than the one initial reason (lack of "romance" which was ill-defined from the beginning), right? But now that you have been treated as you have, yelled at, had accusations made to you that were untrue, put yourself on the line only to be broken down -- you get to decide how much more your heart can withstand and if it's worth it. Sorry for being long-winded, but this is complicated, and I honestly feel you have the strength many do not have. Go back to NC. Keep your cool. Don't ever, EVER get angry or raise your voice to her if she calls, let her do the talking, keep your silence. Make the counseling a condition, not an option. Consider all of this. The whole thing makes me very nervous because she is not ready to reconcile, she really isn't. So don't put yourself through that. Let's see what Better Deal thinks, too. We're a team, you know. So I will speak to you soon. Thanks for the update. OH, and don't text without checking what you're doing. I await your next update. Grace PS My (minor) hair cut looks awesome. Gave me a real lift.
betterdeal Posted August 8, 2011 Posted August 8, 2011 Graceful has given you some great advice there. Personally, I think you need to fully lose contact with her now. Everything has broken down, and the only constant theme I can find in what you say she's doing and saying, is she wants to beat on you; for you to be there so that she can reject you, constantly. Internally, she probably wants to reconcile but is unable to commit to something so energetic right now. She needs family, friends, help from third parties and a lot of space. What you want and can give is not what she wants and needs right now. And the same is true vice versa. You need people who like you, who make you feel good about yourself, and you need a break from all the heavies. Change your mobile number, delete hers, block on Facebook, tell friends you are over and you don't want to hear about her. Maybe (and it is maybe) in a year or so, you guys will see each other and determine then if you're ready to reconcile. But don't think about that. Think about now. Today is day zero. From today onwards, the slate is clean. If someone tries to hurt you, act accordingly. If something makes you happy, keep on doing it. She wanted to split up. This is her wish granted. It is your choice now as to whether or not you let things that upset you continue to do so.
BLuvv Posted August 8, 2011 Posted August 8, 2011 Aussie, I'm going to try to keep this reply shorter, but I tend to be very long winded. Lol I can completely understand your feelings on that. My longest relaationship was with my ex-fiance who had issues of his own stemming from his own mother abandoning him and growing up with a step mom who despised him. He had anger issues and was extremely abusive to me emotionally. I wasn't perfect of course, we fought a lot. But after almost four years I realized I had to get out. I know he truly loved me and I him, but I had to leave and go completely no contact for a long time. We've since apologized to each other and come to an understanding, but because of his issues I could never stay with him. As with your ex, you obviously care a great deal for her and I of course can sympathize with her, in this case it may be best for you to move on. Some issues are too great to overcome and we have to know when to stay and fight and when to walk away. Your recent update also brought up instantly in my mind a girl from my most recent ex's friends. I am honestly completely jealous of her and have no true reason to dislike her except my own insecurities. It makes me see my failures when I look at her and I resent the time my ex soends with her. Even though I know I can trust him and she is not a threat to our relationship. I still don't like her. I sense the same feelings from your ex. In this case it's her issues that caused her to lash out at you. Also, with her coming to you later to bring up issues. I'm going to completely set aside the depression aspect for a moment. This is about communication and really lack of it. I'm guilty of this myself. I lashed out at my ex for things I should have in the moment talked with him about instead of bottling it up inside and holding all the hurt in and blowing up later. She needs to effectively learn to communicate her feelings. (So do I) it doesn't make it right but it certainly would explain her behavior. I'm working on it too. I actually have been talking about this new perspective I've gained here with my ex and sharing with him this place I've found here. I came to this thread in a very extreme low. I'm surprised how therapeutic this has been to see the other side. I appreciate so much everyones thoughts. Even if things don't work out with my ex, it's brought me a greater understanding and helped me shift my direction to a better place a gain. I keep losing my footing but I'm on a better path now. I hope you are also moving to a better place too and will find your peace. I will continue posting here too. I really find this community very helpful and welcoming!
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