aussie_bloke Posted July 25, 2011 Posted July 25, 2011 I need some advice, after getting dumped 3-4 weeks ago I still can not get her out of my head. I joined the gym and am working out hardcore every day, I am busy at work, I;m hanging out with friends but the whole time I am doing this she is on my mind! I'm okay for 15 mins, then I'm down worse than I was before. Does this pass? How can I stop feeling like a pathetic loser and get back to being myself? It's like I just cant turn my brain off and escape from this $###
69ways Posted July 25, 2011 Posted July 25, 2011 Wish I can tell you its easy but I cant. I would be a lier. Is all in your mind, you need to find the will to put her behind you. Look at her as your worse enemy and appreciate the person you are, something she failed soing. Go NC,NC and NC. When you get her in your mind just say:Tha B.... , I was so good to her, she does not deserve me.... Date causally, its hard to look other women but it helps. Go on holidays if you can but follow this: Whenever you get her in your mind , just think of what she put you through.... I wish I could take my own advice m8.
stray Posted July 25, 2011 Posted July 25, 2011 3-4 weeks is not a long time at all. It's going to take about 2-3 months to start seeing the relationship from a different perspective (the perspective that you and her were NOT right for each other). But keep going to the gym, keep hanging out with friends, keep trying to live in the moment. It takes a while to get over someone. But remember you're not alone, and pretty much every human being has to go through this, you are no exception. Keep reminding yourself that your self-respect comes before anything and anyone. No matter how much you miss her, remember that you respect yourself. Epictetus said, "No man is free who is not a master of himself". Work on just being yourself, and someone will come along who will love you for who you are.
stillafool Posted July 25, 2011 Posted July 25, 2011 Start dating other people. The fastest way to get over an old love is to get a new one.
hew Posted July 25, 2011 Posted July 25, 2011 I just broke up with my ex yesterday... 3-4 weeks is still so fresh my friend! Give yourself time, you are doing all the right things. You cant just forget someone you loved and cared about, as awesome as it sounds to snap a finger and be on with life, it just isnt possible. I promise you will be okay. Im trying so hard to be strong and positive right now, but believe me, i am hurting like hell on the inside. I still need to get my things from his house and i need to give him his stuff back.. and last night he stood me up. He was supposed to come return my things at 6. He didnt show up, did even call to say he couldnt make it over. He was at his friends drinking, and im pretty sure he was with another girl. How do you think i felt?! i was sitting at home alone while hes out. Just have faith, some days will be better then others. But you will survive. You will be stronger and happier once you reach the other side. I believe in you
Author aussie_bloke Posted July 27, 2011 Author Posted July 27, 2011 Thank you for your kind thoughts guys. There is nothing worse than being powerless in a situation you want to control more than anything else in the world! I seem to get worse and worse every day, and the next one of my friends that tells me to give it time is going to find a clock making a bee line for their head! Hew, I know how you are feeling, its hurts so much more when you get let down by the only person who should never let you down. I hope you stay strong and your situation improves. Even though I feel extremely lonely and depressed, its comforting to see you guys going through similar situations and coming out the other end...somewhow! Thank you again
Graceful Posted July 27, 2011 Posted July 27, 2011 Aussie, Can you imagine what you would feel like if you were just sitting around and not putting any effort at all into keeping busy? But just to confirm: keeping busy and trying to distract yourself is just part of the equation. The rest? Time, distance, and allowing yourself the sheer luxury of feeling bad. Yes, that's right. Just FEEL BAD. What's wrong with that? You just had the rug pulled out from underneath you a few weeks ago, right? So even if you have to pretend you're okay in front of your friends, let yourself feel bad, cry, hang out on the LS board, just let yourself go when you're alone. Relax. It sux, yes it does. The advice all sounds the same after a while - but it's all true. One last thing -- as you go through the motions, that's not so much about getting over your ex, as it is about you getting your confidence back and feeling good about yourself again. For example, you're not pathetic and you're not a loser -- make that the last time you say that, okay? Yes, it does pass -- but not without a little blood, sweat and tears first. Take care and keep the faith. I need some advice, after getting dumped 3-4 weeks ago I still can not get her out of my head. I joined the gym and am working out hardcore every day, I am busy at work, I;m hanging out with friends but the whole time I am doing this she is on my mind! I'm okay for 15 mins, then I'm down worse than I was before. Does this pass? How can I stop feeling like a pathetic loser and get back to being myself? It's like I just cant turn my brain off and escape from this $###
Author aussie_bloke Posted July 28, 2011 Author Posted July 28, 2011 Thanks for your thoughts graceful, i appreciate the perspective you have. Today has been probably one of the toughest since the breakup began. I spoke with my ex a couple of days ago and she said that I had not been romantic enough with her when we were together. Despite treating her the best I could and helping her and her family out to no end It seems I should have been doing more little things to make her feel good. So anyway we ended up having dinner last night and I thought it would be right to make an effort, so I bought her a rose, took her for dinner and icecream, a walk along the river etc. Everything was going well untill the end of the night when she got upset and told me that me making an effort now made her angry as I didnt do it while we were together and now that we have split up I am. . Ahhhhh apart from not really understanding what is going on in her head, it seems by doing the things she asked has made her more pissed off. She also says she doesnt feel the spark, and feels as if we are just friends. I dont know how anyone could rekindle the 'spark' when theyre always down and depressed about the past. She says she is scared to try the relationship again as she doesnt want to end up in the same romance-less state down the track and have to deal with it all over again. I really have no idea what to do, I truley love her with all my heart and believe that we could be very happy together but I can not make her give us that chance. I don't know if I should continue to show effort so she can see I do want a more romantic relationship with her or if this will just push her further away and ill end up in the friend zone. Does anyone have any thoughts on which way to go from here? Cheers
betterdeal Posted July 28, 2011 Posted July 28, 2011 What do you want? You're doing everything she wants, and that's inauthentic. You need to know what you want too, and express that to her. She'll be reticent with you whilst you're being inauthentic, because everyone knows when someone is doing that. Take a break. You have all the time in the world and couple of weeks not seeing each other or worrying about the future is not going to hurt you. It will positively make you feel better. Then meet up with her and see if she's still good enough for you.
Author aussie_bloke Posted July 28, 2011 Author Posted July 28, 2011 What do you want? You're doing everything she wants, and that's inauthentic. You need to know what you want too, and express that to her. She'll be reticent with you whilst you're being inauthentic, because everyone knows when someone is doing that. Take a break. You have all the time in the world and couple of weeks not seeing each other or worrying about the future is not going to hurt you. It will positively make you feel better. Then meet up with her and see if she's still good enough for you. Thanks betterdeal, I know what I want, and that is her in my life, but fully in my life. It pains me to think the reason she has become unhappy is largely due to me not showing my feelings, even though they are stronger than I have ever experienced before, they may aswell not have existed if I were conveying them in the manner that I thought I was. Everything she says she wants I know I can give her, but I can't make or convince her to give it a try. I have read alot on the nc approach and did try it, which lasted a whole of about 3 days, so obvioulsy I wasn't strong enough for it at the time. My feeling is that she has said she wanted more romance etc, if I stop contacting her will this just further confirm her reasons for dumping me in the first place? I feel as if I should be continuously showing my feelings until she realises how serious I am about her. Do you think my outlook on this is incorrect? Thank you to all for taking the time to reply!
betterdeal Posted July 28, 2011 Posted July 28, 2011 (edited) I think you will do best by calming down a bit and talking to her. It's all very well showing her how much you love her, but you will not be able to sustain that because that is not all you feel all the time, is it? You also feel afraid, hurt, confused, a little lost, right now, don't you? So tell her, and tell her what you'd like to do about it. Going NC without saying why can be very unsettling for both parties. so if you take a break, say you are taking a break because you have a lot of feelings to process. You have a relationship with her still: it just consists of you showing a lot of affection and her being reluctant to accept that as being the real you. And what will happen if she says, "Okay, I believe you" and opens up to you again? Will you keep up the flowers and ice-cream? I guarantee you that even if you did you guys would get bored of it. She wants, like you do from her, a more fuller you. Maybe suggest you guys set aside one night a fortnight / week that is your date night. Discuss how you like to do sport / gym / scratching your nuts in front of the TV / whatever and that's part of your life. And think about the things about her that annoy you. There are some. No-one is perfect. And discuss those too. Ultimately, trying to be perfect for her is a cop out from being vulnerable. It will make you feel ten times worse than you do now when you realise this, and it will harm your chances of reinvigorating your relationship. Be real. Edited July 28, 2011 by betterdeal
Author aussie_bloke Posted July 28, 2011 Author Posted July 28, 2011 Cheers betterdeal, ill have a good think about your advice. Do you think it is possible to reinvigorate a relationship when the person has been unhappy for a fair while? She never really spoke to me about it, just burried it and went through the motions, now it has built up and shes rather depressed about it. Now every time we talk we end up in the same circle of her being unhappy about it, me saying I can fix it, and her saying shes scared to try. Can anyone come back from this or is the damage done for good? She said afterwards that while we were having dinner she felt as though we were just close friends. She is certainly my best friend, but I also love her! I don't know how, or if it is possible to get the spark back, i certainly have it for her but if she has lost it for me, being stuck in this circle may prevent it from coming back and I'm fighting a loosing battle? I just feel so lost and alone!
betterdeal Posted July 28, 2011 Posted July 28, 2011 You have to work together to make a relationship work. Instead of saying you'll fix it, say you'd like to work together to fix it, to bring freshness to the relationship. This can be a growth point for the two of you. Just don't try to fix it yourself: first, you can't, second, it feels lonely because it is lonely. You can both learn to be more open with your feelings with one another, and try the old tested methods of saying, "I feel X when you do Y and I'd like you to Z" And listening to one another. Let her know you don't have all the answers, but you do want to be in an equal relationship where you both tend to it, nurture it and grow it. You're a decent bloke, and you're 100% trying to do the right thing. But you need to lead her not push her and you have to accept that you can't make a relationship work all on your own.
Author aussie_bloke Posted July 28, 2011 Author Posted July 28, 2011 You have to work together to make a relationship work. You're exactly right, I guess I just have to get her to give me a definent answer whether she is willing to do so or not, at the moment she just says shes unsure and that shes scared of giving it a go incase there more hurt. I guess some space for a week or so could probably go a long way to helping her decide, but I'm not looking forward to drawing out the unknown. Thanks betterdeal, it sounds like you've been on this ride a time or two before!
Author aussie_bloke Posted July 29, 2011 Author Posted July 29, 2011 After thinking all night about the advice from you guys, i saw my ex today and explained that I felt if we were to improve anything we would need to work together, and while I was willing to do aboslutley anything it just would be futile unless she was willing to pitch in aswell. Every time we have spoken over the last few weeks we end up in this horrible conversation of her being unsure how she feels and is scared of trying again incase of the same situation reocccuring in the future. Today was different, finally! She agreed with what I had to say. I also said that I felt it would be healthy for us to have a week or so no contact and then meet up to start working things out, this way we have time to ourselves to fully digest what has happened, and how we are going to approach things and start fresh without falling back into the same conversation limbo loop. For the first time in weeks we kissed and kissed like we did when we first got together. We then agreed to speak late next week to arrange to meet up. HOWEVER... I am still nervous as all hell, while it seems like we have taken a step forward I am worried she may change her mind during this week apart and when I contact her again (after getting my hopes up all week) she will let me down again. I hope this doesnt happen, and I guess I just have to wait and see. Do you guys have an opinion on the situation or any advice for when we do meet up next? Cheers!
TheDovic Posted July 29, 2011 Posted July 29, 2011 Feel your pain mate. I'm 3 weeks in myself and only stopped crying two days ago. Feel so empty, but take positives in the fact that this week has been easier than last, and last week was easier than the first! Admittedly not much easier but still gives me a tiny bit of hope to cling on to...
betterdeal Posted July 29, 2011 Posted July 29, 2011 (edited) After thinking all night about the advice from you guys, i saw my ex today and explained that I felt if we were to improve anything we would need to work together, and while I was willing to do aboslutley anything it just would be futile unless she was willing to pitch in aswell. Every time we have spoken over the last few weeks we end up in this horrible conversation of her being unsure how she feels and is scared of trying again incase of the same situation reocccuring in the future. Today was different, finally! She agreed with what I had to say. I also said that I felt it would be healthy for us to have a week or so no contact and then meet up to start working things out, this way we have time to ourselves to fully digest what has happened, and how we are going to approach things and start fresh without falling back into the same conversation limbo loop. For the first time in weeks we kissed and kissed like we did when we first got together. We then agreed to speak late next week to arrange to meet up. HOWEVER... I am still nervous as all hell, while it seems like we have taken a step forward I am worried she may change her mind during this week apart and when I contact her again (after getting my hopes up all week) she will let me down again. I hope this doesnt happen, and I guess I just have to wait and see. Do you guys have an opinion on the situation or any advice for when we do meet up next? Cheers! That sounds really encouraging! You notice how sharing ownership has had a positive effect and helped you guys past the first hurdle? Relationships work best when everyone involved is an equal partner, dealing with stuff together. Keep up the exchange and flow. It's all one step at a time. Maybe discuss things that you like about each other, and also one thing that annoys you about each other. That last bit may take some getting used to, but all feedback is good feedback, and it will help you smooth the edges. You need to listen to the thing that annoys you, take it in, and think, can I compromise on that? If so, suggest a compromise. If it's too much to decide right away, say so, and take some time to think about it. It's as much about getting to understand one another's views as doing something about them. Or, you might want to suggest reading some personal development stuff, such as assertiveness training books, relationship advice books and such like. Being able to express yourselves well will help you both live happy lives. Remember to have fun and affection and enjoy your time together. Don't worry about the future - it doesn't exist, yet. Edited July 29, 2011 by betterdeal
Author aussie_bloke Posted July 29, 2011 Author Posted July 29, 2011 Thanks for the advice betterdeal, I thought I would be feeling alot better than I am. I feel excited that we may sort things out but I have an overwhelming sense that after our week apart she will have changed her mind or something. I am having a hard time not picking up the phone and calling her to chat, I won't do it as I am set on us having a bit of space before we get into things but I am kinda angry at myself that I always have this feeling to get in touch with her. Sure she means the world to me but should anyone be unable to function without contact from someone else? It almost seems a little unhealthy being that dependant on someone. Is that really true love when you do need to talk to that person that much that it kills you not too, or is that an over dependant trait? I really wish this time would fly so i can skip to seeing what will happen when we try and give it a go, but at the same time I want to be able to enjoy things each day without having all im thinking about being that. Wanting something and doing it are often a long way apart! Cheers again for the replies, it really helps!
betterdeal Posted July 29, 2011 Posted July 29, 2011 Yeah, that bit's tricky. You have to gauge what she wants as well as what you want. Look, the sky isn't going to fall down, the sun will rise tomorrow, all the big stuff is going to be fine. Relax. Do things you enjoy doing. If you feel like it, call her and ask if she'd like to meet up earlier than you guys planned. But maybe wait a few days before doing that. You need to accept that life isn't like a Die Hard movie, and giving a woman some space is often the best thing you can do. It gives you space too. If she were to throw it all in in 6 days, what amazing thing would you be able to do today that would stop that? Nothing. Okay, maybe send her a postcard, something funny, that'll make her smile but won't put pressure on her. And have fun without her. You both have to be able to do that if you're going to be able to live together or apart for any length of time. Get into sport or drawing or bird watching or surfing. Think about something you've always meant to do but never got around to doing, and do it.
Graceful Posted July 29, 2011 Posted July 29, 2011 Hi Aussie, Lots has happened over a few days, with more details, so I just wanted to weigh in with a few tips from a female perspective. I was a little, er, upset to see that your GF gave you a hard time when you put some effort in when you took her to dinner (brought her a rose, tried to make the dinner romantic), as if your efforts didn't count in some way because she had told you she wanted more romance in the relationship. So here's the deal with that. You're not a mind reader (are you? ) -- so this is one thing to bring up with your ex when you see her next time. It seems as though this might be your first relationship where you fell like a ton of bricks for someone, and you're learning -- maybe you're not a "natural" romantic -- maybe you're a little clueless (which I find endearing, TBH) -- so just tell her that it's not as though you're "changing" for her, but you're learning WITH her. Because you really want to learn and grow with her. See, make it like you want to work WITH her to make the relationship better, not that she has to TELL you what to do to make it better. See the diff? ALSO. Turn on the charm, Aussie. Nothing a girl loves better than a little cheeky charm and a sense of humor. Poke a little fun at yourself. Just say that sometimes you're clueless, look at her with soft, soulful eyes, and break down the wall. I don't want to fall to general stereotyping, because girls are clueless, too, but some females do expect the sun, the moon and the stars from some guys and when they don't deliver, it's a disappointment. Well, who can deliver the sun, the moon AND the stars?? I love the way you told her that you need her to be involved in putting the relationship back on track, and that the process is not one-sided. NICE GOING. So best of luck. I *love* the idea of sending her a funny card this week. That's a sweet gesture. That's the perfect way of letting her know she's on your mind without being intrusive. Run with it. Best of luck. Post if you get anxious. There's only so much you can do. You're making the effort. Relax. I feel excited that we may sort things out but I have an overwhelming sense that after our week apart she will have changed her mind or something. I am having a hard time not picking up the phone and calling her to chat, I won't do it as I am set on us having a bit of space before we get into things but I am kinda angry at myself that I always have this feeling to get in touch with her. Sure she means the world to me but should anyone be unable to function without contact from someone else? It almost seems a little unhealthy being that dependant on someone. Is that really true love when you do need to talk to that person that much that it kills you not too, or is that an over dependant trait? PS It's not a co-dependent trait to want to call or speak to the person you love. Right now, you're very anxious and self-conscious about it because you know you need to give her space. You're on high alert right now, so every thing you do (or don't do) is making you anxious. Otherwise, it's normal and healthy to want to hear someone's voice and whisper sweet nothings.
Author aussie_bloke Posted July 29, 2011 Author Posted July 29, 2011 Better deal & graceful, thank you for your opinions, it really helps more than you realise. Graceful, I really agree with your thoughts on learning with her not changing for her. I have been in several serious relationships in the past however have never experienced what I do with this girl ever before. I think that in a way because she was so loving, and everything seemed so natural I got complacent and fell into a rut of not making an extra effort to make her happy/romantic effort as I never thought I would loose her. I really do love to do romantic things for her, make her smile and I do really want to spend the rest of my life with her. I really hope we can get past this. I also like betterdeals idea of the card, it is something out of the ordinary without being overbearing. Now I just have to work out what to put on the card To be honest I was so cut after making the effort at dinner the other night, I know its possibly my fault as one night can't make up for the past however long she has been feeling like this, however I wish she would realise that I didn't realise the problem existed and now that I do I want to fix it. Graceful...I'm def. not a mind reader although I wish I were haha it would make things so much easier, actually it might be better if she were a mind reader as if she understood what I felt it might make things so much easier. It's been a day now since I saw her, feels like a year! Thank you again, I am stoked that I have found such useful advice and insight from strangers, there really are some amazing people out there!
betterdeal Posted July 29, 2011 Posted July 29, 2011 Short of mind reading skills, you guys just need to improve on your language skills, that's all There are lots of good books out there that can give you good ideas on how to do that. PS I'm stoked that things are looking up for you
Author aussie_bloke Posted July 30, 2011 Author Posted July 30, 2011 Thanks betterdeal, I'll look into some reading I sent the card today, I don't think it will be delivered until Tuesday so hopefully that lets her know I'm thinking of her and inspires her to contact me. I wrote a light hearted joke and included two theatre tickets in there for this Friday night. She really loves the theatre as we have been maybe 3 times throughout our relationship so hopefully this will be a nice start to our meeting up and sorting things out. I am not doing so well tonight, I REALLY want to pick up the phone and talk to her, I'm missing her incredibly and I have this thought in the back of my mind all the time that come next week things will be back to where they are and she will be unsure if she wants to try again. My mind and space do not get along together! To make things worse a lady decided to cut me off and ran into the side of my car today, luckily there were no injuries but I seem to be having a great run of bad luck haha.
Graceful Posted July 30, 2011 Posted July 30, 2011 (edited) Good morning, Aussie, m'love. Now first, thanks for coming clean with me. I think that in a way because she was so loving, and everything seemed so natural I got complacent and fell into a rut of not making an extra effort to make her happy/romantic effort as I never thought I would loose her. I really do love to do romantic things for her, make her smile and I do really want to spend the rest of my life with her. I really hope we can get past this. You got complacent, did you? Well, this is why you have to really step up your game. But it's also a wake-up call that no one can be taken for granted. Seems you have really learned a lesson and you'll be all the better for it. I think admitting this "out loud" here will help you, and for what ever reason, I can't chastise you for it. You seem very sincere in your efforts and want another chance for all the right reasons. I sent the card today, I don't think it will be delivered until Tuesday so hopefully that lets her know I'm thinking of her and inspires her to contact me. I wrote a light hearted joke and included two theatre tickets in there for this Friday night. She really loves the theatre as we have been maybe 3 times throughout our relationship so hopefully this will be a nice start to our meeting up and sorting things out. My heart just skipped a couple of beats. Theatre tickets? That is very special indeed. Now if she doesn't find that irresistible, I don't know what is. Honestly, I don't think I can wait to hear the outcome myself! I am not doing so well tonight, I REALLY want to pick up the phone and talk to her, I'm missing her incredibly and I have this thought in the back of my mind all the time that come next week things will be back to where they are and she will be unsure if she wants to try again. My mind and space do not get along together! Hang in there, Aussie. And try to think positively. We have to be honest here: you are trying to repair some serious damage. So this is why you have to be very, VERY patient with the process. You've let the details out little by little in your thread here, but I don't think you've said how long you've known your GF and how long it's been since you treated her like you did at the beginning of the relationship. But never mind. You're walking a fine line between being apologetic and contrite for your behavior, and being forthright and direct with your efforts to let her know you want her in your life, and are fully committed. It's painful, but you have to realize that you did hurt her, so she has to let that go to let you back in. See what I mean? It's like you're saying, "I know I hurt you and I am kicking myself for taking you for granted. Now I'm asking you to trust me to treat you the way I feel about you, which is with love and respect, so please trust me and give me a chance to show you I can put actions behind my words." Hang in there. It feels like an eternity, but it's just a few days. And betterdeal and I are in the wings supporting you. So what more could you ask for? We're all in different time zones, and I am heading out for the day, so all I can say is try to relax, and um, you know, keep NC. I await your next update. Take care. P.S. You can't read minds? Good to know. Edited July 30, 2011 by Graceful
Author aussie_bloke Posted July 30, 2011 Author Posted July 30, 2011 Hey Graceful, Thank you for your reply. We were together for 4 years and I have always treated her well from the point of helping her and her family with things, being there for her etc, but probably over the last 12 months I have not actively gone out of my way to do the extra romantic things that I should have. She loves the suprises, the cliches. I just fell into a rut, we both did really, but I didn't realise I was in there. I recently bought into a partnership since graduating and this has not helped as I have been a bit stressed and focused on finding my feet, this is no excuse and she is far more important than any job. IF only she had spoken to me about it, she feels as if she tried however I never once remember her bringing it up, not in a way I understood anyway. I would do anything for this girl! She really is the most special girl I have ever met and I had planned to propose to her on a holiday we had planned for October. I feel like such an idiot for loosing her without even knowing it. Despite her saying she will try and work it out with me when we meet next week, I really feel like its not going to happen and she will have changed her mind. I feel like I'm going to get it thrown in my face and I am going to be in an even worse place than I am now. I don't know why but to be honest thats how I feel. To be more honest, I tried calling her just before and her phone is off. I so badly just needed to say hello, I am really dieing here. Its 1130pm here and its strange her phone is off as she lives with it on 24/7, however she may be asleep in which case I will have to deal with the 'why did you call' in the morning. Ahhhhh I just can't seem to deal with any of this, I just feel powerless.... I just wish I could see a way out of this mess. Thank you for your support, even though I feel as if I have let her, myself and both you and betterdeal down for trying to call her.... whhhhhhy would I do that!
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