dj_x2c Posted July 25, 2011 Posted July 25, 2011 Aight I posted on here a while back about my situation. To put in short, 4 years, hit a rough patch, guy meets girl at school, girl tells guy all our issues, guy isn't stupid and says he can't treat her better. Well dumb me I didn't change or correct issues so we broke up. She goes on a date with him a week later. First month we broke up we still saw each other. Till four days before he had to move back (lives three hours away during the summer) he sleeps with her. They started dating from there on. Okay so I did the stupid thing after that, blew her phone up, acted stupid etc etc. Finally I went NC. For 3 1/2 weeks I didn't talk to her or nothing. I sent one last text and let it be that. During those 3 weeks I didn't know that she would contemplate talking to me. That it would kill her and that she started hating me less and basically loving me again. Out with some friends she tells a couple how she misses me dearly. How she thinks of me and if I ask about her. She asked what I been doing and they say "He has been doing her" and points to the girl I am seeing currently. We aren't b/f and g/f as I am not ready for that and neither is she. I am still hurting and not over my ex in anyway. That gave my ex the reality check and she contacted me. The past 4 weeks we have talked and been talking. But I am confused. The guy she is with told her never to talk to me. At first she said that she wanted to meet in secrecy and see where fate takes us. Then her guilt started to sink in. Then (and she was straight and honest) but said "i made a mistake to jump into another relationship right after us, but I have done it and now I do have feelings for him. but i am not over you and I will never get over you. I will never be able to completely let go. but i have feelings for him and feel awful for not being with him. the door is always open, i have hope but i am happy right now and i can't keep seeing you and talking to you. he made me promise not to talk to you and he is always checking my phone to see if you are around." the guy is a wack job, he checks her phone and such. checks her laptop, always questions her. I know she truly has feelings for me and I can safely say she is being truthful. But her guilt I think is riding hard. I also been putting pressure on her to let go of her current man. We also sort of messed around (wrong to do but couldn't help it) and she felt mega guilty for it afterwards. She just told me tonight that she can't keep doing what she is doing. She sees the guy only on weekends as he lives three hours away. Sunday nights is when she starts to talk to me again. Only this time her guilt is riding her pretty hard. She told she couldn't do it anymore. She did say the door is always open, she can't say never, has hope, and will never get over me and let it go. I'd love to be in black and white and say "yea screw her i'm done blah blah blah" but no lie I can't do that. Its all grey matter. So any advice on how to deal with this or what I can do? Obviously she isn't over me, but she is a nice person to where she gives anyone a chance. I do believe she has feelings for this guy but she told me she doesn't love him as much as me (I do have four years) but still you can have that and not be with someone. So help n dealing with this here? I'd love to work it out with her or put myself in a position to do so. Never shed so many tears over anyone before.....
0hpenelope Posted July 25, 2011 Posted July 25, 2011 Stop being a source of pressure first of all. You're setting yourself up in the awesome position of being looked at & seen with guilt. But I'm looking at her, too. She can't commit to either one of you because she cheated on him with you (which places you also in the "great" position of being the other guy) and she's telling you she will never get over you, she jumped into the relationship too fast. This girl and her situation... they have hot mess, red alert, warning signs written and plastered all over. "i made a mistake to jump into another relationship right after us, but I have done it and now I do have feelings for him. but i am not over you and I will never get over you. I will never be able to completely let go. but i have feelings for him and feel awful for not being with him. the door is always open, i have hope but i am happy right now and i can't keep seeing you and talking to you. he made me promise not to talk to you and he is always checking my phone to see if you are around." This sounds so rambly with so many contradictions in of themselves that I can probably take up 1.5 posts to break down what she's saying - then I'd be stuck in an infinite loop of taking multiple detours that takes me to the same point anyway. No thanks. I don't want to have vertigo. She may have feelings for him, but I doubt she's happy. And you know, ultimately, because she's still with him, she's choosing to be with him and not you. You have to see that for what it is. You don't have to say "Forget her," etc. It's not even about that and if this is what you want to pursue for now, then yeah. Go do that. But be open to the possibility as well that, if you take a break from trying to talk to her and encouraging her to break up with him, you may realize that "This isn't even worth it anymore. All of this time and effort that I've been putting in for getting her back, I could've used it for myself. So I can be awesome again." It's about knowing that this girl's still with her current boyfriend (obviously not choosing you) and that you should back off. She wants to explore those feelings for him, give her that space. She reached her crossroads with you and she still chose the guy. Someday she might go back to you because she'll "never" get over you, but move on for yourself anyway. How will you be any different than her "controlling man" if you're conducting yourself in such a behavior in pressuring her to leave him? Let her "enjoy" her feelings for him and don't drive her closer to him. Don't sabotage yourself. Calm down, take a deep breath, and take some time to get your head straight before you communicate with her again. At least NC for some time so you can get ahold of yourself + your feelings for her. At this point, you really have to assess your boundaries and how much you respect yourself.
Author dj_x2c Posted July 25, 2011 Author Posted July 25, 2011 Wow that makes so much sens I never saw it like that. I would think NC would be hard but she is trying to initiate that out of guilt. She said it will kill her to not talk to me but she feels terrible for lying to him. She isn't the cheating kind or anything but we just couldn't help ourselves. Yea she chose the other guy but she is more or less still scared of us. Guess your right, she said she jumped in too fast and such. Says that he does make her "happy" but how can you be happy when your not over someone else. Like you said she probably isn't as happy as she is letting on to be. But she is one of those nice girls where she will be miserable to make another happy (been with her for 4 years, seen her do it). I guess its a catch 22, but I'm also seeing someone else as well just not jumping into it seriously. Its more or less just casual dating. Idk, she did say maybe this is suppose to happen. But she isn't in a place to just drop him and let go so I guess I see her point there. I'm like any guy and take this as "oh she found her true love already etc etc etc" ya know freaking out. But I'm smarter to know that isn't the case. I would be lying to say I wouldn't take her back. She claims happiness but I'm like anyone I just don't know.
wilsonx Posted July 25, 2011 Posted July 25, 2011 (edited) Wow that makes so much sens I never saw it like that. I would think NC would be hard but she is trying to initiate that out of guilt. She said it will kill her to not talk to me but she feels terrible for lying to him. She isn't the cheating kind or anything but we just couldn't help ourselves. Yea she chose the other guy but she is more or less still scared of us. Guess your right, she said she jumped in too fast and such. Says that he does make her "happy" but how can you be happy when your not over someone else. Like you said she probably isn't as happy as she is letting on to be. But she is one of those nice girls where she will be miserable to make another happy (been with her for 4 years, seen her do it). I guess its a catch 22, but I'm also seeing someone else as well just not jumping into it seriously. Its more or less just casual dating. Idk, she did say maybe this is suppose to happen. But she isn't in a place to just drop him and let go so I guess I see her point there. I'm like any guy and take this as "oh she found her true love already etc etc etc" ya know freaking out. But I'm smarter to know that isn't the case. I would be lying to say I wouldn't take her back. She claims happiness but I'm like anyone I just don't know. Im actually very glad you posted this because you do not want to date someone like this. This is where a lot of relationships are DOOMed to fail from the beginning. Before I locked down NC with my ex, I said something that clicked in my head about 2 weeks after I locked down NC. I sent me ex a text saying, she was the person who made me become the Sir Wilson that I am today. When I realized what I said a couple weeks later I had a lightbulb pop in my head. I yelled at myself. In order to be in a successful lasting relationship, you NEED to be happy with who you are and love yourself. Your significant other needs to be happy with who they are and love themself. If they don't the relationship is going to end. Maybe not a year from now but it will. I was not happy with who I was before we started dating, her and I were just friends and I came out of a short term dating where the girl admitted she cheated on me. I left instantly. My ex has no clue who she is because she does the same thing, she does anything to try to make the man in her life happy. Now that you have been in this type of relationship, you see this pattern. Do not date people like this anymore. Date people that are happy with themselves and go out of the way to make themselves happy first Edited July 25, 2011 by wilsonx
Author dj_x2c Posted July 25, 2011 Author Posted July 25, 2011 She wasn't with me for 4 years out of misery lol. No but the last year of are relationship I did have issues and changes that need to be made. I'm happier for myself that I made them. But she wasn't happy for the last 6 months of the relationship due to me being nothing more than spiteful. She is half right in the whole thing, not entirely, but half right. But no lie I would love to put myself into a position to where everything could work out....
wilsonx Posted July 25, 2011 Posted July 25, 2011 You are not seeing what Im saying though... You were with someone that does anything it takes to please her man even at the cost of her happiness. That's whats called a destructive decision. This is win/lose decision maker. She made decisions that were losses to her and wins to you. It could be the other way but either way they are destructive decisions It does not matter, you both could be happy for the next 3 or so years but the relationship was doomed to fail. It doesn't matter if it was your spitefulness or what why the relationship failed. Read this part again But she is one of those nice girls where she will be miserable to make another happy (been with her for 4 years, seen her do it) If one person in the relationship is unhappy and does not do whatever it takes to fix their own unhappiness, its going to end. The relationship she is in now is going to end. Until she solves this problem ON HER OWN without unsolicited advice, its going to be a never ending cycle
wilsonx Posted July 25, 2011 Posted July 25, 2011 To be in a healthy relationship or even friendship in life, both people need to start making win/win decisions. These are constructive decisions. Decisions where both people exchange ideas and come up with a solution to where both feel like it is an equal trade and not sacrifice one's happiness for the other. An example of a destructive decision would be say hey let me give you this 5 dollar bill for your 20 dollar bill. Your ex would take it and be like OK. Here, you got what you wanted but your ex didn't she sacrificed her own value to ensure that you were happy. An exampled of a constructive decision would be say hey let me give you this 10 dollar bill and 2 5 dollar bills for your 20 dollar bill. See no one sacrificed any part of their happiness and it was a fair trade
Author dj_x2c Posted July 26, 2011 Author Posted July 26, 2011 I see what you are saying. But she isn't always like that, and it wasn't like that with us. But today I read on her Facebook that she said "We tend to forget, happiness doesn't come from getting something we don't have, but rather recognizing what we do have." Basically in a nut shell supposively she is happy with what she has. But if so she shouldn't be in love with me still, leave the door open, or have hope for us down the road. I know she is scared to jump back in, she admitted that, she admitted also that she didn't want to risk the pain for it cause she doesn't know. She had a good weekend with him and when she has a good moment she thinks the world is just straight. I'm sure he has more skeletons than I know about, I mean they haven't been dating but a few months and at 3 hours apart seeing each other only on the weekends. When he moves back in 3 weeks I'm sure the game will change quick. Today she did speak with me and said that she wants me happy. She doesn't know what will happen down the road, she won't ever be able to completely let go, and that the door will always be open. I'm sort of at a crossroads my self. I believe people can get back together with some time apart, and maybe I messed up the first opportunity I had to get her back. If I hadn't pressured her or put her in a place for guilt then maybe it would have been different now. I been trying to get her to say some sort of bye but she won't respond. What do I do from here...she hasn't been mean or nasty but the exact opposite.
wilsonx Posted July 26, 2011 Posted July 26, 2011 You go NC and move on. Seriously move on. Block her from facebook. And start your healing process. You have to stop talking to her and cut her out of your life immediately and forever. Do you want to be a doormat. Once you become one, she will think she can leave you and come back to you at anytime. You also have to think about this. Say 6 months down the road, say she does come back to you saying "I'm sorry, I made the biggest mistake of my life, can we please start over," is she apologizing for the pain she caused you or the pain shes feeling at the moment. I will tell you which one it is =)
Author dj_x2c Posted July 27, 2011 Author Posted July 27, 2011 I can't say forever, and I can't say never. Idk if she is that type, I was with her for four years. I won't block her, its not that extreme, I don't need to. She texted me today saying how she won't ever let go, or be over me but right now this is the best. I do agree with her but I am always willing to keep that door open. Just coping with this isn't easy. But I can see how some people see it as black and white. Sorry to say I live in a gray world.
wilsonx Posted July 27, 2011 Posted July 27, 2011 I can't say forever, and I can't say never. Idk if she is that type, I was with her for four years. I won't block her, its not that extreme, I don't need to. She texted me today saying how she won't ever let go, or be over me but right now this is the best. I do agree with her but I am always willing to keep that door open. Just coping with this isn't easy. But I can see how some people see it as black and white. Sorry to say I live in a gray world. Thats your choice but I suggest you start reading these forums about how a year later, people are still not over their ex. Their ex has strung them along and skipped past them and dating someone new because they can. Your ex is stringing you along. She will never come back to you. If I knew you in real life, Id make an easy 100 dollars off you. The world is black and white. The people that live in the gray are destructive decision makers I have nothing left to say in this thread, the choice is yours on what you decide to do.
Johnny85 Posted July 27, 2011 Posted July 27, 2011 As long as there is another man in her life, I think the best thing that you can do for yourself is to stop contacting her and move on. Otherwise it will be that much more difficult to start feeling like yourself again. On the other hand, I think that by staying in contact with her, you're increasing your chances of reconciliation because it makes it so much easier for her to approach you. You may very well become her rebound once her new relationship ends. The downside to this approach is that it may take some time for her to be "ready," while you're on the sideline waiting for her to make up her mind. That's not fair either! Is she doing that for you?
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