spiderowl Posted July 25, 2011 Posted July 25, 2011 (edited) Hi, wonder if you can give me some input into this. I was seeing a guy in a LDR for a short while. I didn't feel it was working and I suppose I'm the one who ended it but we've stayed friends. This means we keep in touch by email, text, phone, with possibility of meeting occasionally (but this hasn't happened). We used to write often and text every day, several times a day. I haven't felt good recently due to health problems and just not felt very motivated to keep up what I felt was an intense level of communication. He's not happy though and makes pointed comments if I don't respond. I don't want to be rude and not respond but neither do I want to feel I have to keep this up all the time. We've had a few gaps where I didn't respond much except to say I was unwell and although he expressed concern, he was clearly not happy at the lack of communication. If I let contact lapse for more than a day, I know I'm going to be in trouble as he will be uptight and make a pointed comment. If I leave it for a day and then contact him the next day, I eventually get a stiff reply again showing he's offended, so I feel I'm doing wrong whatever I do. I've tried to say I don't always feel the need for this level of contact but then he seems offended and starts being formal and apologising tersely for 'wasting my time'. I actually feel like giving up altogether because this is not relaxed any more. But I do like him and value him as a friend and don't want to upset him. I don't feel I need the same contact as when we were seeing each other. It's all getting out of hand and I don't know why. Am I being unreasonable? Edited July 25, 2011 by spiderowl
HeartOfAPhoenix Posted July 25, 2011 Posted July 25, 2011 You're not being unreasonable at all. You just need to stand by your word so when you say you aren't going to communicate with him as often that's what you need to do. Don't be afraid to be a little cold towards him, that might give him the clue that he needs to back off. when he says "sorry for wasting your time" and pulling the guilt trip just reply with "it's ok". Make sure you don't tell him that he isn't wasting your time, that's what he wants to hear, and it will mostly turn the tables so you view him as the victim. Or you could change your number and cut all ties with him. Good Luck.
Bito Posted July 25, 2011 Posted July 25, 2011 If you don't want anything serious from him but he does from you then its probley best to cut ties with him for his sake. Be up front with him.
Author spiderowl Posted July 27, 2011 Author Posted July 27, 2011 Thanks. I have been honest with him and he knows we are just friends now. He just expects the same level of communication as when we were seeing each other. I've been tempted to just give up because he makes me feel I'm not being a good friend if he's taken the trouble to write and I don't reply the same day.
geegirl Posted July 27, 2011 Posted July 27, 2011 Thanks. I have been honest with him and he knows we are just friends now. He just expects the same level of communication as when we were seeing each other. I've been tempted to just give up because he makes me feel I'm not being a good friend if he's taken the trouble to write and I don't reply the same day. He may know you are just friends but his feelings aren't allowing him to see you that way. Friends don't put timelines on friends to respond. Friends don't throw a tantrum or get emotionally frustrated when they don't receive a response on time. The expectation is not there. You don't check your email every two seconds when you're waiting for a friend to reply. You wait and check every two seconds when it is someone you have feelings for or have a level of interest that is more than friends. If you don't feel anything for him, you should let him go. It's pretty clear that he has expectations that don't spell "friendship". If you can't reciprocate, you should let him go. You will be doing him a favor.
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