My gf may leave me HELP!!!

[Mjfru]

Hi everyone,

 

Me and my gf are having some REAL troubles right now. She told me tonight that she feels like she is on the "fence" whenever we are in big fights, so I of coarse am extremely worried. I don't know what to do, the reason we are getting in big fights starts from me and here is why.

 

Her mother grounded her like 2 months ago, and we haven't seen each other (like had a day with each other) since. I have been extremely frustrated and stressed out between this and college that sometimes I feel like I should kill myself. I love her so much and I just don't want to worry about "us" but I miss her so bad that I have to. So when we get to talk on the phone, almost without fail I fight with her because it seems like she is doing fine while we aren't getting to see each other. But I know that she misses me, it's just she hides her emotions REALLY well. Well the point is that I feel like if I don't change the way I'm acting towards her I will push her off of that "fence" and lose her for good . . . MY GOD . . . I LOVE HER AND I REALLY DON'T WANT THAT.

 

Well know that I am sobbing like crazy, I just remembered that if we hold on for like two more weeks, we will get to hang out with each other again. You see she isn't grounded anymore, but she is involved in a play which ends in two weeks, and I can't see her considering the play has practice everyday for the next two weeks. So when it ends we should have our "days" back and be able to be toghether (physically) again. This should bring about a time of peace between us with minimal fights and almost 100% happiness, and college will be over by then.

 

So my question is how do I stop fighting with her now about stupid stuff (like her not missing me when she really does)? If I can manage to stop she will become much happier with me and won't have thoughts of leaving me. She told me that she almost never thinks about it anymore and that is why it doesn't hurt her like it does me. But I want her to think about me, and she probably doesn't want to because the only person I have been to her for months is an a**h*** . . . GODDAMMIT

 

I wanna stop fighting over stupid ****!!!!! I really don't want her to leave me because I was a dumbass. Please help . . .

[USAsian228]

i remember being grounded by my mother... it was, i will admit, a couple of years ago....

 

but being grounded seemed to last forever. it was horrible. and back then, we only had Atari and she took that away from me, which made life unbearable. Let's just say that the game screen was black and white, to give you an idea of how far back that was....

 

so your girl was grounded and you are picking fights and all stressed out. i wonder what she did to get grounded... if mom knows you and your temper, and if she has been grounded as a result of her involvement with Mr. (or is it Miss? - doesn't matter) Hothead, then you better do an "about face" and make mom happy. and you make mom happy when you treat her daughter with dignity and respect, no matter what sex you are.

 

but i'll assume you are a guy. first, you need to take some truths to heart:

 

1. nothing will ever be worth killing yourself over. if cher can do an infommercial about hair care and live through it, you can live though anything. don't ever be a wuss and take the easy way out. be a real man (or woman) and step up to the plate and make your relationships work. and it takes work to make them work. but the end result is amazing if you do it right.

 

2. you will never find peace in college. college is a crazy time and everything about a college student is crazy. your hormones are what need peace - they are raging out of control, which makes you feel out of control sometimes. pray that they settle down so you can think more clearly. and keep your dorm room neat at all times (chicks dig this - it shows them that you have your ship together. but you don't, so keep reading.)

 

3. what seems like an eternity to you is a teeny weeny blip in time compared to the big picture. realize that at your stage of life, and we have all been there, so yes, we know more than you, everything is maginified - relationships are blown out of proportion, the sky is always falling, nobody can believe that this person did that to the other person, and there will always be another day to skip class and another band that is "the bomb." its just the way it is at this point. and none of it will matter 10 years from now. Remember that the next time you feel a rage coming on and think about how silly it probably is. and how stupid you look raging about nothing.

 

4. you can either get a handle on your emotions now and learn how to communicate with and respect women, or you can stay just as you are, look really cool to the buds who think that calling women b*ches and ho's is normal and cool, and you can look forward to years of dysfunctional bliss in one failed relationship after the next.

 

5. you can accept the fact that as a dude, it is your responsibility to lead in a relationship and to set the tone for a relationship with a woman. you can either lead the way by laying the groundwork for a healthy connection, or you can see #4 and repeat this process over and over. there are plenty of dudes in this cycle, so i suggest that you dare to be different. (you'll be a hit with the ladies, i guarantee it - not too many guys get this at your age, so you will be dope. or down with it. or whatever "cool" is these days.)

 

But from your post, you are genuinely concerned about your behavior and want to change, and that is the sign of maturity and it is definitely the first step. Pat yourself on the back for recognizing that you are being a schlub and you need some work. But don't pat yourself too long, cause you need work. So let's dig into this schlub....

 

What do you fight about? I bet you will admit that it isn't that earth-shattering. It certainly wouldn't make the 5:00 news. So why do you fight? You are obviously angry about something - what is it? Her not missing you when you say she really does? Did you really type this? Houston, I think we have a problem. Fasten your seatbelts. and at this point, i think you are a female.

 

Are you that needy? Do you want to control her to the point where you tell her how to think and what to feel? Duuuuuuuude, you need to get it together. Look at your expectation of her - do you think this is realistic? is it fair to lay this expectation at someone's feet? Is this laying a good foundation for a healthy relationship?

 

What's next - you require her to wash your feet and feed you grapes all day?

 

and then you want to whine about her leaving you? my my my... i can't imagine why she would ever think of leaving you, studmuffin. you want it all, don't you. Well you can't have it all and you certainly need to learn yesterday that you cannot control a woman like this. This is called "emotional abuse" and in addition to being sick and wrong, it will never make any girl's mom happy. Remember when i said that? well here it is in action.

 

So if you know the truths listed above, and you know that you have to make mom happy, what's a fella to do?

 

Well, look back up top - it has something to do with dignity and respect and mom's daughter. Master this, and you will know more than most of your friends, I assure ya. (you'll also be a hit with the ladies, and i'll guarantee it once again.)

 

I know you are upset but I still think you need a reality check, so here's one, big guy:

 

I love the way you are so focused on your own selfish needs and not hers - again, this won't make mom happy. Dude, she is in a play - something that is very important to her and requires her full attention. I know because I could have been the next Tom Cruise - i was in every play and musical growing up. i also played football.

and i'm gay.

 

boo.

 

So i know the stress involved - and you are whining about all this stuff? Look at your post - the whole thing is about you you you... what you want. what you hate. what you fear. what you want her to think. (what you want her to think - dude, leave this vision to Donald Trump - it doesn't work if you are a poor college student.)

 

and there is a little mention of her and her play in your post. god forbid you take the focus off you and your needs and support her in a goal that is important to her.

 

what play is she in? what part does she have? how many pages of lines does she have to memorize? have you offered to help her study her lines? have you offered to do anything for her that will make her life just a little easier and less stressful as she comes off being grounded and into an endless cycle of play practice and rehearsals? call her roommate and surprise her when she gets back home with flowers and a card that says you are thinking of her. no big whoop. its really easy. what does she like? favorite bands? make a cd for her and put on there as the last song, a song that describes how you feel about her. tell her the last song is special because it describes how you feel about her.

 

right now it would have to be janet jackson's "control," but hopefully that will change.

 

and here's a good one - have you called her mom to tell her that you want to do something nice for her daughter since she is under all this stress, and you would like mom's help on coming up with a great idea?

 

you want to change the scenery, keep the girl, and make her mom love you all in one big swoop? do it. you look like the big lug who wants to do good and make mom's daughter happy. mom will eat you up and love you. and mom will tell dad and you really need mom to tell dad. mom is in control and don't you ever think otherwise.

 

dude, i think you are sincerely wanting to do the right thing. you just need to get started in the right direction. and the direction you are in right now leads to one lonely, confused college dude. so chill out - this is not some apple stuck high in the tree that you cannot pick. all it takes is a little thought and a lot of work on your part to change what is important to you. and you change what is important to you when you shift the focus off of you and on to her and what is best for the relationship, where it should be. do this and i swear that you will find that you your relationship will change for the better.

 

I know you are freakin. I have freaked before and I'll probably freak again. Everybody freaks over relationships. I am in one right now and I just freaked the other day.

 

But you are at a crossroads in so many ways - take the steps right now to change and grow, and i promise you that your time will not be wasted and your future relationships with anybody will be improved. And you'll be in control of your actions and you will make some mom very happy to have as her daughter's boyfriend. or girlfriend - i still have no idea.

 

Oh heck. Just follow this list and you'll be fine:

 

Apologize to your girl for being such a prick....ly porcupine. You have jabbed her enough so pull it into the depot, fella. Apologize, mean it, and then shut up. Now it is time for action. Women hear enough of you guys and all your words. What really gets their attention is action. and attention gets their attention. so get busy - it ain't about you anymore, cowboy - its about her and the relationship. and you can do this so chill out.

 

support her from here on out and let the small stuff go by the wayside... she doesn't miss you like you want her to miss you? she is busy. with a play. it cannot be about you every minute. doesn't mean the sky is falling, and it doesn't mean she wants a divorce. she is just busy. until she tells you that she does not miss you - just assume she misses you and keep thinking about making her mom happy. so help her right now - do something i said earlier about the play. call her mom, unless she has seen your behavior and thinks you are satan. if she does, then private message me and get out your checkbook - you are screwed and i start getting expensive at that point.

 

keep your expectations real. be the leader and nurture the connection - don't think you can force her to miss you just because you want to be validated because you are insecure. and don't look at everything and how it afffects YOU. remember, it ain't about you. it is about both of you. that means you, plus her. stay grounded and realize that two weeks of not seeing each other is a blip in time. if you have nurtured the relationship and been a real man and layed the foundation, you will be able to be apart for three whole weeks and be secure that all is well and the sun will rise tomorrow. and that she misses you. and that mom loves you. and that dad may be coming around.....

 

realize that you may have some insecurities that need to be addressed - thats cool - we all have 'em. if you cannot stop your present behavior, you gotta go talk to somebody who knows what they are talking about (not me, for example.) but dude, your behavior is whack and you gotta change now so you can enjoy life. and the mark of a real man (or woman) is if they can admit their imperfections, take the steps to change, and share their story with others so that they can affect lives in a positive way. so be a man. you can do it.

 

concentrate on college - a cute rich man gets more quality women than a cute poor man. if you disagree, stay focused on disrespecting girls instead of making the grade at school and see what happens. (hint: moms love a guy with at least one degree - only the best for their little girl, right?)

 

treat your woman with respect and dignity, and your needs will be handled. in every sense of the word. women are much smarter than guys, and they have the power to mess your head all up. they know what guys want - they are not stupid. they may act stupid sometimes, but don't be fooled. show a girl that you are more interested in her mind and who she is as a real person, and you will eventually be rewarded with a lasting, healthy relationship with one. be her friend, not her controller or slave. the quality girls you are after know the difference and they are watching your every move to see if you are a suitable life partner. (so are their moms and dont you forget it.)

 

don't be afraid to show your girl that you are human and you are vulnerable. i think you have already mastered this one, kiddo. now show her you can be better. make her proud. she will tell mom. and mom will tell dad. and the big lug will be down with the parents and happy with his girl.

 

and don't be such a pottymouth. it was cool back in the 80's, but it has been done to death. a quality girl doesnt want her man to cuss like a drunken sailor - if your girl cusses like a drunken sailor, then it might be time to re-evaluate your expectations for a life partner. mom wants a clean, perfect mate for her man. so you are not perfect. be clean. dress well, look at your fingernails once every few years to check for dirt, bathe weekly, and don't cuss. in this day and age, you will be a smash hit.

 

and remember her birthday and do something for her. and remember all the stupid stuff like your 6 month anniversary and the place where you first kissed and the time when she told you she loved you.... all that little stuff is big to a girl, so it should be big to you.

 

that's enough to get you started. now go forth and conquer. and let me know how things go...

[Mjfru]

Hey thanks Scott,

 

Your very long post, really helps me out alot. But here are some things that I have to correct for you. I am in college, she is in my old high school. I am a day student so I come home everyday from college. She has been grounded because she got drunk in front of her mother like 2 months ago, and being grounded really had nothing to do with me. We have been together for around 2.5 years (so she has become quite important to me). And I think that is about it. Oh yeah and I am a guy lol.

 

But about your post, it really showed me how much of a loser I can be. You see before she joined her first play we were so happy together for the longest time, nothing could go wrong. But ever since like December, things have just gone downhill. That is from the plays, and I know she loves them. I just have to learn that if she wants to do them then to let her, and I'll be here for her when she gets back. She is a wonderful girl too, she is beautiful, very sweet to me (when I'm not acting like an ass to her), and we have had a wonderful past together. Your post really showed me that I need to learn to think as if I was in her shoes. To make her every wish happen, before my wishes happen. She comes before me and I gotta get that straight. I used to think this way, but over the months I have severely messed up and gotten off coarse, and now we are at a very shaky place. I WILL NOT LOSE HER OVER DUMB THINGS. I AM GOING TO TRY MY BEST TO CHANGE AND TWO WEEKS FROM NOW WHEN WE DO GET TO SEE EACH OTHER AGAIN, THINGS SHOULD GET BACK TO THE "OLD TIMES". All I have to do is try my best not to fight over missing her, when she says that she misses me than she means it. I just have to remember that, I used to.

 

We are supposed to talk about it more today, but like your said Scottbsl, I should just apologize and take action rather than talking it out. We will just say the same things that we said last night again and that won't be any use to me or her. I also feel like I should tell her that I am going to take action to change to make her happier with me, but usually she doesn't believe I will do it, so maybe I just won't tell her and I will keep it to myself, make it my personal goal as well. If I can manage to stop the fighting things should be happy again . . .

 

She would say that if the fighting stops, she still doesn't know about us, but I know. She will be totally in love with me again if I stop fighting. She just can't see around the thick cloud of smoke I've imprisoned her in and she hasn't gotten to see, if you will, the blue sky. I need to show her that things can be happy with us again and she can trust that I won't fight with her anymore. I just need to be patient and do these things when we talk today. Then everyday we talk for the next couple of weeks . . . no for as long as possible I will have to try not to fight about stupid stuff and only fight when it is really REALLY important. This should do it.

 

Wish me luck people, and still post me with more replys Thanks again Scott!

[Samantha16]

hey there. (by the way, I loved your post Scott. I think a lot of people should read that post). I hope I understand your situation clearly. I just wanted to make sure that when you say you will stop fighting with her about not seeing her, and her not saying how much she misses you all the time, that you will not be keeping it all inside. It's one thing to stop arguing, but I hope it's because you feel there's no problems. You may stop complaining to her, but you might still feel angry inside.

 

I've done this. I would keep it all inside to prevent conflict. It's not very fun, because you're still emotional. I'm glad you realized to only bring up the things that are very important. But you shouldn't have to feel like you're walking on eggshells and trying to be the perfect person, because nobody is. I tried to be the perfect girlfriend with my boyfriend, but I have emotions, and I shouldn't have to pretend. So instead, I re-evaluate my priorities. I ask myself if my concerns are really as important as I think they are, or if I'm just being over-dramatic. Looking at the big picture helps a lot. Sometimes, because we are human, we get pissed and emotional about petty things. We've got to learn to overcome the little things, and stop with the compulsive complaining. (Don't get me wrong, sometimes the little things ARE the big things, I guess I should've used the word petty).

 

About your situation, just something to think about....I think you said something about when she's not grounded, or when her play is over, things will go back to 'normal', and you guys can be 'physically together' once again. But did you ever think about how things will be in the future? I was with my guy and we both worked together at nights--thursday to sunday, so we had the same schedual. We would see each other all the time, and then go to work together. I got too used to that, so when I quit work and started going to school, and he took up a day job along with the night job, it was a hard transition. I became selfish and started getting mad about not seeing him as often. And when he would want to do something on our spare time that didn't include me, I would feel almost insulted. I thought he should take every spare moment to be with me, seeing as we already don't get to see each other as much. But I got over it, and I'm so glad we're on different scheduals now, because I needed to learn how the real world worked. It was great that for two years we could spend EVERY day together. But that's not realistic. Now he's in a band, so that takes even more time away from us, but I'm not upset....just thankful for the time we DO have together. It's all about your prospective of things. Glass half empty/half full? Of course we always make time for each other, but while respecting one another's schedules.

 

Think about the future....jobs, hobbies, obligations, kids, meetings, friends, family, solo time.... we all got **** to do. I look at my parents, and I see that in all the years they've been together, they get tuesday, and Friday evenings together, and then the weekend. Everybody has a life of there own. We can't be with a certain person all day, everyday, all the time. And we only get busier as we get older. Your situation's a little different seeing as it was 2 months, but she wont be a kid forever. (Hopefully her mom wont ground her when she's over 18, or 21 if you're in the states. We only have to be 18 over here). But I do want you to see that you can't be selfish in the amount of time you get with her. Be happy if you get to see her on certain nights during the week, or a whole day on the weekends.

 

And remember what I said, before you stop complaining to her, stop complaining to yourself. You have to actually be cool with the situation, so you don't end up pretending. You can't pretend forever that you're the perfect boyfriend, because the arguments will rear their ugly heads once again. You have to literally get over the so-called problems, in order to realistically make things better. I'm talking from personal experience, but take what you want from the things I've said.

[Samantha16]

By the way, thank you for your reply on my post. But just to let you know, it wasn't about 'the kiss'. I mean, it kind of sucked to hear about, but it was about the things she was saying about me. But I agree with it being a spur of the moment thing. I've had those. They really don't mean anything. It's fun at the time, but no one compares to the one your in love with.

 

Write back and let me know how your situation's going ok? By the way, how old are you if you don't mind me asking?