cupshalfempty Posted July 24, 2011 Posted July 24, 2011 I keep coming back to these forums, for what I'm not sure, misery loves company? Or some form of communal companionship from others in the same situation. Here's my story.. I was common law but ill refer to him as my H..we were together 16 years with children. We broke up on a few occasions, had a very dysfunctional relattionship. Well @ work here comes mr. Joker flirting away with me. After about a year....I took the bait. It was ok @ first, just meeting sporadically for a tryst @ lunch. It was fun and exciting. Then his wife started to work there part time, thankfully only two days a week but it made it uncomfortable. I didn't put myself around her as often as I could. She was working evenings, which now led to us meeting those evenings she worked outside of work, many times @ his place. A few months after the affair starts he starts with the "I love you's" I find I'm falling for him too. Which scares me. I was certain I was an emotional zombie. I hadn't felt that pitter patter feeling in so long I didn't know what to do. So I tried to end it. Telling him and myself this was bad. Of course by his time I was completely addicted to him and there began the yoyo of going back and forth between wanting him and not wanting to set myself up for the hurt and anguish I was scared would follow. 8 months in my H sees me texting, and asks who I'm texting. I'd wanted our relationship done for years and took this as a push to end it, and told the truth. :e knew we were over too and left two weeks later. I was exuberant to be single, I was scared of doing things on my own but excited all @ the same time. Only I found out, I wasn't really single. MM constantly asked what I was doing. When we rarely texted evenings or weekends, it became all night first in he morning. Our relationship got even heavier. I struggled inwardly with what we had. I found myself feeling like he was trying to keep me to himself. I started to find myself resenting him being married. Yet wanting to slap myself because we entered a mututal affair and the fact that I was now single didn't factor in. I decided to date, I told him what I wanted was to date, to be with someone that could be with me and not on someone elses schedule. In all honesy I wanted him, but knew I just kept digging my hole if I continued. Its llike a battle between my heart and my mind. So I went on one lousy date. I felt guilty and had zero interest in the guy. I told mm but still insisted it be over, he would barage me with texts and call me, and came to the conclusion that he wants to be with me he tells me he is telling wife thaT night...of course then its, she didn't come home till late. Then it was she's sick..etc. I didn't push it. The moment he started that I called him out on it, told him to look up affairs and married men excuses because he was just the same. I told him I do love him, but I am not going to waste my life waiing on another man to figure out if he actually wants me...and...of course after a barage of texts and him showing up and him crying I take him back, and then every two weeks or there abouts I get a dose of respect for myself and try to break again. I didn't ask him to leave her, I'd just ask him to leave me...although I sometimes wonder if that's the same thing. Eventually his wife sees a text, a very innocent one and he tells her its me we r friends. She is all suspicious...my first instinct is to protect him, and cover my own behind, as she does work @ my place of employment and even thoug I don't have contact, a lot of the people I work with do and I don't want to be known as the homewrecking *****. So we went down to no more night or weekend contact. Then she only started working 1 night a week. I've been spending all my time alone, basically just waiting to see him again and its driving me bonkers, and I'm ashamed that I am doing this to myself, then I'm angry @ him for all his claims of I want YOU. All I see r typical married men lies. Yet he'll argue till he's blue in the face that he means it..and I want to believe it. So I asked him point blank why he's still there. (No kids) and his newest claim is he doesn't want to leave the marriage with the label of cheater. That the marriage is deteriorated and its not as easy to get out of as I was for me. So I decided for once and for all I'm going to put it on the line. I told him 2 months. I told him I'm not asking again, and that's it. If he isn't with me in that time, I'm gone. Of course I'm conflicted, but I also think giving myself a deadline will help me too. I will gear myself up for it. Like a quit smoking date. (Wish tthere.was a gum for that). I sent him a long email stating my position, and usually he emails me back, this time he didn't. We've been together since (its been over a week since I sent it) and he hasn't directlyy said anything. But has made remarks like when there was trouble @ my house that he's sorry he wasn't here and he hasn't moved fast enough. I've always been a bit of a pessamist. I don't want to let go of him, but I have this internal struggle. I feel like all the tender moments and I love you's are what I've always needed and wanted, all the laughing and joking, but then I read all about men and affairs and feel like I'm just being the fool. Meh who knows.
Karmababe Posted July 24, 2011 Posted July 24, 2011 If he wanted to be with you, he would leave the marriage. He is already a cheater, why shouldn't realism come into play?
Author cupshalfempty Posted July 24, 2011 Author Posted July 24, 2011 See that's my thoughts as well and I've told him that. I said reality is what it is and your giving me words..which aren't actions. He pleads for time, I tell him time is nothing, he can give me a time line, and not follow through, it could be an eternity if he just wants to wait for the "right time"...and I'm not wasting an eternity as someones second fiddle. Then I ask myself, why did I give him 2 months??? Why give him anytime? He's had a year and a half of me.. Sorry I'm posting all this from my phone and know its choppy.
fooled once Posted July 24, 2011 Posted July 24, 2011 So I asked him point blank why he's still there. (No kids) and his newest claim is he doesn't want to leave the marriage with the label of cheater. That the marriage is deteriorated and its not as easy to get out of as I was for me. So I decided for once and for all I'm going to put it on the line. I told him 2 months. I told him I'm not asking again, and that's it. If he isn't with me in that time, I'm gone. Of course I'm conflicted, but I also think giving myself a deadline will help me too. I will gear myself up for it. Like a quit smoking date. (Wish tthere.was a gum for that). I sent him a long email stating my position, and usually he emails me back, this time he didn't. We've been together since (its been over a week since I sent it) and he hasn't directlyy said anything. But has made remarks like when there was trouble @ my house that he's sorry he wasn't here and he hasn't moved fast enough. I've always been a bit of a pessamist. I don't want to let go of him, but I have this internal struggle. I feel like all the tender moments and I love you's are what I've always needed and wanted, all the laughing and joking, but then I read all about men and affairs and feel like I'm just being the fool. Meh who knows. He is using you as his entertainment and his ego boost. You know this; you can see it. Yet you won't cut him off. Why in the world do you think his childless marriage is harder to get of than your marriage? Has he convinced you of that? I had a small child when I divorced my ex. It can be done! But it requires him really wanting a divorce; and it doesn't sound like he does. He has been given opportunities to come clean and stop the lying to his wife, yet he doesn't. He shoves you under the bus, possibly telling her how you are so infatuated with him and he is trying to be nice to you but you aren't getting it. You keep talking about HIS marriage; you honestly have no idea what goes on at home with him and his wife. If it was as bad as he has implied, when confronted with the text message, he would have told the truth. He would have been HONEST (quite a concept, huh) with his wife. If he loved you, he would have told her he was done. If he cared about you, he would have told his wife. If he respected you, he would not have entered into an affair with you. And why 2 months? What are you waiting for? You just gave him 2 months of ego stroking and sex. How can you even respect him? How can you be with someone who lies like he does? And you and his wife work at the same place....you do realize when it comes out (and it will), you will be known as the mistress, the woman who slept with a married man. She will have the sympathy from co-workers and you will be shunned and talked about. If you really wanted to be done with him, you would be. No amount of calls/texts/emails would change your mind. I have a hard time with people who don't back up their words with action --- your words of wanting out yet after each argument or disagreement he worms his way back in because YOU LET HIM come back. If you really want to be free of being the OW, you would end it now. Why wait 2 months? What do you think is going to change in 2 months? He couldn't even respect you enough to discuss the email you sent; which shows me that he has little respect for your feelings or what you want.
Karmababe Posted July 25, 2011 Posted July 25, 2011 Spot on ... take charge and dump him. We'll walk you through the healing portion of the program. You have choices, number one being taking care of yourself first. He isn't putting you first ... you'll have to do that for yourself.
Silly_Girl Posted July 25, 2011 Posted July 25, 2011 Hi cup, I'm uncomfortable with the line about you 'waiting to hear from him'. I don't see an intention to change that dynamic. Your life's about YOU. Others can enhance it, no one else can make you happy. So the deadline may be a little misleading. He may leave, everything may be hunky dory, who knows, but I'm not sure you and he are in the greatest place regardless of where he lives. The quality of the relationship is not decided by what his address is or whether he's single. He's not the prize, you are.
HappinessSeeker Posted July 25, 2011 Posted July 25, 2011 Hi C-H-E, Welcome! I know firsthand what you are going through. And although it's so easy to say "Leave Him Alone or Move On" when emotions and feelings are involved it's not so easy. If it was I'm sure you would have done so already. I do agree with the other posters that he is NOT going to leave his wife if he hasn't already. The things he says are lines every MM tells the OW to keep her around. I know this isn't easy to hear, but it's true. You have to realize that MM have nothing to lose by saying those things, he is still going to go home to his wife at the end of the day. Words are just that... words... unless there is some action behind them. I had to learn this lesson firsthand. If I believed he loved me then what I was doing was ok, and I wouldn't think i was just the booty call, but his actions always said I was just the booty call. I had to wean myself from MM as well (I didn't tell him though), but I knew I couldn't go cold turkey, I had tried it and it lasted all of 2 days. I think you know deep down that this is not a good situation for you, just be sure that since you did give him the ultimatum that you follow through with it. If you don't whatever you say after will not be taken seriously. You may have some stumbles toward NC, but stay focused and think of what's best for YOU! I wish you luck!!
Gentlegirl Posted July 25, 2011 Posted July 25, 2011 This is looking bad to me. If you read here, you will find every excuse in the book that MMs make. Thex MM I was seeing said it wouldn't be right to leave the lifelong obligation he had to his wife..... HELLO PAL! where had he been for the last 3 years every weekend and every oppotunity he had?????????????????? YOur MM is already known as a cheater to his wife. Is he going to regain credibility before he leaves, then leave and lose it again.....HUH? Look out for yourself... he won't look out for you or care. MOST MMs just go running back to the wife. all the best, Gentlegirl
Author cupshalfempty Posted July 25, 2011 Author Posted July 25, 2011 Why is it so stupidly hard? What do these men have over us? So I barely slept last night and thought about it all. I got pretty angry that he didn't respond to my e-mail. In it I ask him to think hard and be honest. I laid out my good and bad points and all that garbage and gave him every say he wanted to stay in his marriage. I asked if he planned to leave like he claimed, then what r his plans? What are his fears (family and friends responses..etc)..blah blah blah The time line was more for me. Sort of like confirmation of my sanity, that I am right, that he is lying. Like a weaning period, stop smoking date..etc. I guess I thought hard. I would have liked some sort of response, if he even slightly meant everything he said he would have had something to say. I know ur supposed to go nc but ill admit I'm weak. I texted him this morning and told him I was done and why. So of course the back and forth texting starts. He claims he reads that email everyday and hasn't responded because he doesn't wan me to think he's just responding to pacify me. (Whatever that means) He begged for more time, he claimed he loved me over and over..blah blah blah. He found me on my lunch. Said I'm running away. I said so what. You can try to guilt me all you want but ur the one running home to ur wife every night. He accused me of having someone else...I got real ticked then. I said I've been faithful to HIM while he is MARRIED and I don't believe for a second he's not sleeping with her. I told him non of this is "real", I'm his escape from the mundane drone of life, I'm the excitement, the for now not the forever. He of course denies denies, he loves me wants me wants only me why can't I just see that. I said all I see r lies and empty promises. I told him he doesn't "talk" to me, I asked what his fears were and he never responded to the email, I said he never responded because there is NOTHING to respond with. There r no plans to leave, he said yes there are just give me more time. He said I need you, I need your belief in me...I said, that's what your wife is for. He told me to stop that...I just said NO..and that was the last I spoke to him today. I just want to cry. Why is this so hard? Why do we want to belive their lies? Why do I doubt myself and still cling to the belief that I could be wrong and he really does love me as much as he claims. I know why I love him, I won't get into all the mushy crap...and then I wonder....is that really him or just the persona he puts on to manipulate me? Then I wonder if maybe, I'm just insecure, but if I was insecure then why would I want more for myself wouldn't I just settle and crumbs I could get instead? Obviously not if I'm here crying and doubting I'm losing the love of my life and the perfect person for me because I doubt everything he says..... Yep....I'm a right mess of conflicts.
fooled once Posted July 25, 2011 Posted July 25, 2011 Why is it so stupidly hard? What do these men have over us? So I barely slept last night and thought about it all. I got pretty angry that he didn't respond to my e-mail. In it I ask him to think hard and be honest. I laid out my good and bad points and all that garbage and gave him every say he wanted to stay in his marriage. I asked if he planned to leave like he claimed, then what r his plans? What are his fears (family and friends responses..etc)..blah blah blah The time line was more for me. Sort of like confirmation of my sanity, that I am right, that he is lying. Like a weaning period, stop smoking date..etc. I guess I thought hard. I would have liked some sort of response, if he even slightly meant everything he said he would have had something to say. **Honestly, it sounds like you keep emailing him and texting him so he will respond. You don't like being ignored and even though you claim you are done repeatedly, you really aren't. It is like a game of sorts, you will email/text/email/text until he responds. I know ur supposed to go nc but ill admit I'm weak. I texted him this morning and told him I was done and why. So of course the back and forth texting starts. He claims he reads that email everyday and hasn't responded because he doesn't wan me to think he's just responding to pacify me. (Whatever that means) He begged for more time, he claimed he loved me over and over..blah blah blah. He found me on my lunch. Said I'm running away. I said so what. You can try to guilt me all you want but ur the one running home to ur wife every night. He accused me of having someone else...I got real ticked then. I said I've been faithful to HIM while he is MARRIED and I don't believe for a second he's not sleeping with her. I told him non of this is "real", I'm his escape from the mundane drone of life, I'm the excitement, the for now not the forever. He of course denies denies, he loves me wants me wants only me why can't I just see that. I said all I see r lies and empty promises. I told him he doesn't "talk" to me, I asked what his fears were and he never responded to the email, I said he never responded because there is NOTHING to respond with. There r no plans to leave, he said yes there are just give me more time. He said I need you, I need your belief in me...I said, that's what your wife is for. He told me to stop that...I just said NO..and that was the last I spoke to him today. **Again, you want him to chase you. You want him to want you. You want him to keep telling you it is you he sees a future with, blah blah. You are having a very hard time with believing that all this time with him has been a fantasy. He isn't going to come out and tell you he is using you or he isn't leaving! To say that is to cut off his ego stroking that you give him. Each time you chase him, he gets a high. I just want to cry. Why is this so hard? Why do we want to belive their lies? Why do I doubt myself and still cling to the belief that I could be wrong and he really does love me as much as he claims. I know why I love him, I won't get into all the mushy crap...and then I wonder....is that really him or just the persona he puts on to manipulate me? Then I wonder if maybe, I'm just insecure, but if I was insecure then why would I want more for myself wouldn't I just settle and crumbs I could get instead? Obviously not if I'm here crying and doubting I'm losing the love of my life and the perfect person for me because I doubt everything he says..... **It IS hard. There is no doubt about that. If he loved you as much as he claims, he would be divorcing his wife. There is no "right" time, unless you truly feel no love. That isn't the case here, IMHO. He is stringing you along. He knows you will say no, but he can manipulate you into yes. How many times have you 'broken up' with this MARRIED man? How many times has he convinced you to 'wait' for him? You are settling for crumbs. You know that. Why you do that, I have no idea. You want to be wanted. That is human nature. Maybe you are afraid of being alone, which is why you will take what little he can offer? He isn't the perfect person. He is a liar, a coward, a cheater and a disrespectful man. No man would ask a woman he loved to be his mistress. He may care about you - but only how you make him feel, not as some life long partner. He has basically told you if you weren't there, he wouldn't leave. He wants a soft place to land, should his wife find out what is going on and kick him out. If he loved you, he wouldn't ask you to be a hidden secret. He wouldn't ask you to be a secret lover. He would want to show you off, to let everyone know he is in love. But that isn't the case. He wants you to be quiet, relax and let him continue to be married and sleep with you. Yep....I'm a right mess of conflicts. My thoughts above. I really think you are so engrossed in the drama of all this that you are not thinking clearly. I wish you could step outside of all this and see that HIS ACTIONS to not mimic his words. He is stringing you along. You are letting him. Tell him to bug off and call you when he is divorced. if he loves you, he will get himself divorced immediately, get some counseling to fix what is wrong in him and then come to you divorced, healed and will want to prove to you he is different/changed. You aren't letting go "the one". You are loving YOURSELF more than him.
MissBee Posted July 26, 2011 Posted July 26, 2011 I keep coming back to these forums, for what I'm not sure, misery loves company? Or some form of communal companionship from others in the same situation. Here's my story.. I was common law but ill refer to him as my H..we were together 16 years with children. We broke up on a few occasions, had a very dysfunctional relattionship. Well @ work here comes mr. Joker flirting away with me. After about a year....I took the bait. It was ok @ first, just meeting sporadically for a tryst @ lunch. It was fun and exciting. Then his wife started to work there part time, thankfully only two days a week but it made it uncomfortable. I didn't put myself around her as often as I could. She was working evenings, which now led to us meeting those evenings she worked outside of work, many times @ his place. A few months after the affair starts he starts with the "I love you's" I find I'm falling for him too. Which scares me. I was certain I was an emotional zombie. I hadn't felt that pitter patter feeling in so long I didn't know what to do. So I tried to end it. Telling him and myself this was bad. Of course by his time I was completely addicted to him and there began the yoyo of going back and forth between wanting him and not wanting to set myself up for the hurt and anguish I was scared would follow. 8 months in my H sees me texting, and asks who I'm texting. I'd wanted our relationship done for years and took this as a push to end it, and told the truth. :e knew we were over too and left two weeks later. I was exuberant to be single, I was scared of doing things on my own but excited all @ the same time. Only I found out, I wasn't really single. MM constantly asked what I was doing. When we rarely texted evenings or weekends, it became all night first in he morning. Our relationship got even heavier. I struggled inwardly with what we had. I found myself feeling like he was trying to keep me to himself. I started to find myself resenting him being married. Yet wanting to slap myself because we entered a mututal affair and the fact that I was now single didn't factor in. I decided to date, I told him what I wanted was to date, to be with someone that could be with me and not on someone elses schedule. In all honesy I wanted him, but knew I just kept digging my hole if I continued. Its llike a battle between my heart and my mind. So I went on one lousy date. I felt guilty and had zero interest in the guy. I told mm but still insisted it be over, he would barage me with texts and call me, and came to the conclusion that he wants to be with me he tells me he is telling wife thaT night...of course then its, she didn't come home till late. Then it was she's sick..etc. I didn't push it. The moment he started that I called him out on it, told him to look up affairs and married men excuses because he was just the same. I told him I do love him, but I am not going to waste my life waiing on another man to figure out if he actually wants me...and...of course after a barage of texts and him showing up and him crying I take him back, and then every two weeks or there abouts I get a dose of respect for myself and try to break again. I didn't ask him to leave her, I'd just ask him to leave me...although I sometimes wonder if that's the same thing. Eventually his wife sees a text, a very innocent one and he tells her its me we r friends. She is all suspicious...my first instinct is to protect him, and cover my own behind, as she does work @ my place of employment and even thoug I don't have contact, a lot of the people I work with do and I don't want to be known as the homewrecking *****. So we went down to no more night or weekend contact. Then she only started working 1 night a week. I've been spending all my time alone, basically just waiting to see him again and its driving me bonkers, and I'm ashamed that I am doing this to myself, then I'm angry @ him for all his claims of I want YOU. All I see r typical married men lies. Yet he'll argue till he's blue in the face that he means it..and I want to believe it. So I asked him point blank why he's still there. (No kids) and his newest claim is he doesn't want to leave the marriage with the label of cheater. That the marriage is deteriorated and its not as easy to get out of as I was for me. So I decided for once and for all I'm going to put it on the line. I told him 2 months. I told him I'm not asking again, and that's it. If he isn't with me in that time, I'm gone. Of course I'm conflicted, but I also think giving myself a deadline will help me too. I will gear myself up for it. Like a quit smoking date. (Wish tthere.was a gum for that). I sent him a long email stating my position, and usually he emails me back, this time he didn't. We've been together since (its been over a week since I sent it) and he hasn't directlyy said anything. But has made remarks like when there was trouble @ my house that he's sorry he wasn't here and he hasn't moved fast enough. I've always been a bit of a pessamist. I don't want to let go of him, but I have this internal struggle. I feel like all the tender moments and I love you's are what I've always needed and wanted, all the laughing and joking, but then I read all about men and affairs and feel like I'm just being the fool. Meh who knows. I know that feeling....giving someone chance after chance to reject you. Somehow the occasional delightful moments eclipse the fact that 9/10 times it's not that great and overall you feel like shyt.... You have cited how this situation hasn't been good for your self respect, how this man has made excuse after excuse, how you felt stifled by him and the list goes on. I do not believe that leaving a 16 yr dysfunctional relationship and jumping into an affair that is not much better is something one should do. You probably need to heal yourself and become a happy, confident woman with good, sustainable relationship habits. That is the only way to ensure that when you do embark on a next relationship it stands a better chance. But hopping from one mess to another without stopping to breathe, evaluate and reorganize yourself is not a good idea. Forget this man and that mess and his morsels of I love yous, tears, his fears and all that drama. He's not a god send. I suggest you enjoy your singleness as you said you wanted to and really come into your own again as a woman and rebuild YOUR life before adding a man to the mix. Men come and go, as we've experienced, it's not worth your peace of mind and self respect.
Author cupshalfempty Posted July 26, 2011 Author Posted July 26, 2011 Well woke up this morning to an email from him. Him doing the whole I want to leave but scared you don't want me. It confuses me a little. Of course I see more than what he says and start in on myself and all the reasons he wouldn't want to be with me. Why would he leave to be with me who's lately turned into a raving mad lunatic (ok not that bad but I feel in the trying to get the inner power to end it and the yoyoing back and forth between settling for what we have and then saying screw that I mean more than this! Has turned me into a crazy person with multiple personality disorder). He said he's scared he leaves, and I shut the door in his face. He said more, all about the same things, asked if I do want him. Said he will walK. I haven't responded. Then I thought he may give me space. He usually adds me to bbm @ 6 sharp in the morning and we chat about our nights and dreams (why yesterday my telling him what I thought isn't looking for drama, not texting him out of the blue here we texT , call and see eachother all day). He didn't try to add me this morning...I felt sad and relieved...but he just sent me an invite as I write this...thankfully I can avoid him @ lunch today. Why do I yoyo so much? Right now I'm just fighting myself, press accept ...NO don't!!! Ok just do it..hear what else he has to say...wtf can he say that isn't just broken promises why bother listening..etc back and forth argument in my head.
half_ofa_heart Posted July 26, 2011 Posted July 26, 2011 Well woke up this morning to an email from him. Him doing the whole I want to leave but scared you don't want me. It confuses me a little. Of course I see more than what he says and start in on myself and all the reasons he wouldn't want to be with me. Why would he leave to be with me who's lately turned into a raving mad lunatic (ok not that bad but I feel in the trying to get the inner power to end it and the yoyoing back and forth between settling for what we have and then saying screw that I mean more than this! Has turned me into a crazy person with multiple personality disorder). He said he's scared he leaves, and I shut the door in his face. He said more, all about the same things, asked if I do want him. Said he will walK. I haven't responded. Then I thought he may give me space. He usually adds me to bbm @ 6 sharp in the morning and we chat about our nights and dreams (why yesterday my telling him what I thought isn't looking for drama, not texting him out of the blue here we texT , call and see eachother all day). He didn't try to add me this morning...I felt sad and relieved...but he just sent me an invite as I write this...thankfully I can avoid him @ lunch today. Why do I yoyo so much? Right now I'm just fighting myself, press accept ...NO don't!!! Ok just do it..hear what else he has to say...wtf can he say that isn't just broken promises why bother listening..etc back and forth argument in my head. Been there and AM there sooooo much it's crazy! You look in the mirror and think about your behavior in this "relationship" and say to yourself... "WHO ARE YOU?!?!?!?!" Follow your gutt but don't lose sight of YOU and YOUR needs! That right there is the hardest balancing act of your life. Good luck!
Chalice Posted July 26, 2011 Posted July 26, 2011 @Cupshalfempty........ I come to LS lurking and seeking comfort as you seem to be doing. I too find myself in a similar situation. I agree that NC is hard but it doesn't help that you reach out to him even though he has all these "positive" hopes for you. I think that although he may profess his love and wants for a future with you that you may be standing in his way of taking action head on with the problems he has to deal with.......marriage, family, guilt. A lot has to do with guilt. Although he may love you does he have the power to man up and accept his part in the mistakes of an A and all the guilt that goes along with it? This is what needs to be addressed. Maybe he needs time to himself and make the decision on his own. You don't want to be part of another guilt trip down the future if he starts to question his wanting to be with you. This could be another reason why he can't commit to you or answer all the questions that you presented to him about where he stands. There's nothing wrong with you feeling the way you do about wanting some sort of sanity or having a deadline for yourself. But you need to be honest and true to it. I find myself wanting sanity too. We ended the "relationship" and I feel relieved but at the same time lost. I never contact him. For the last few weeks we were into the A he became a different person and I confronted him about it. He gave me the same lines that many probably hear.....but in the end the bottom line was that he needed time to get himself and his life together. He would always come back to talking about the guilt.........guilt that he cheated although he is not happy in his marriage....guilt that he didn't tell his wife about us before she found out(he repeatedly talks about how he wishes he had informed her like I had asked many times over)......guilt that his family and friends wouldn't accept his cowardly choice to be honest......guilt that he may ruin his relationship with his kids........guiolt that he might have if he chooses either which way(he said either which way he is in a lose lose situation.....either which way someone is bound to hate him)......guilt that he can't be there whole heartedly like he wants to be because he's still married.........guilt that while he's trying to get his life together that he's hurting me in the process. The last two guilts was the deal breaker for both of us. I felt like I was being true to him and kept hope alive. In the last few weeks of the A I distanced myself or scaled back contact from him to give him time to get his shyt together....no initiated contact on my part at all and when he did contact me I wasn't all open arms like I would have been early on in the A. He could see that I wasn't happy and he wasn't happy with it and with where his life was. He went yo-yoing back and forth and had many battles within himself. It frustrated him that even though I didn't pressure him to contact me or leave his marriage that within his realm I was still a variable or road block because he couldn't give me all that I deserve. So he and I disagreed to agree that we should end our "relationship" on paper. Many words were exchanged and I let him know how I felt.........how I didn't like the bi polar mood swings, how I didn't like feelilng neglected or that I was just there for him when HE needed me only, how I didn't feel appreciated especially during the last few weeks, how I didn't like loving someone who admittedly couldn't love me back the way that I wanted, how I didn't like how someone who wanted to be with me and shared all the same hopes and dreams couldn't grow a pair and do something to make it happen. i empathzed with how it isn't that easy for him to do but that I couldn't help feeling the way that I do. He agreed and said that he feels he doesn't want to hurt me anymore right now and that he needs time to get his life together first for himself and then figure things out and what he needs to do. He said that he feels like even though we just took a "break" that he would want to contact me even though I didn't ask and would get distracted from getting his life straightened out. So I guess what I'm trying to say is that GUILT plays a big part in everything whether you feel it yourself or not. I was frustrated with all his conflictions within himself because it made me feel unsure about our feelings for one another. I think your MM needs to find solace within himself first and deal with his marriage. Maybe you distancing yourself and NC will give him the space to see what he's missing and what he wants.......whether it be you or his marriage. It's a hard pill to swallow but there really is nothing you can do to make the situation better. You have only ONE choice and that should be to end the relationship NOW and let things run it's course and try to live your life as best as you can without the relationship. Friends? Not friends? It's up to you decide what your boundaries are and what you can handle. I still haven't decided whether or not I can continue to be friends but I guess time will tell. I know it's difficult when he tells you hopeful thoughts of wanting to be with you and I cannot say that he isn't being truthful to you. I know you want to believe him and have faith but only YOU know what you can handle and filter out. I've been where you're at(actually I am where you're at) as well as many others on this forum. It's hard. It hurts. You WILL miss him. And he probably will miss you too. But you need HIM to take the course of action and leave him to deal with his conflictions on his own. You don't need to be strung along for that too and if he really cared and loved you genuinely he should be willing to want to stop hurting you.........because you ARE hurting. If he's not willing to be unselfish in this way then YOU and only YOU can do it for YOURSELF and in the process for him too. I hope you find strength and comfort in hearing other peoples advice because you are not the only one who has found themselves in a situation that seems so frustrating. In the end love yourself first and everything else will fall into place for you.
TurboGirl Posted July 26, 2011 Posted July 26, 2011 Well woke up this morning to an email from him. Him doing the whole I want to leave but scared you don't want me. It confuses me a little. Of course I see more than what he says and start in on myself and all the reasons he wouldn't want to be with me. Why would he leave to be with me who's lately turned into a raving mad lunatic (ok not that bad but I feel in the trying to get the inner power to end it and the yoyoing back and forth between settling for what we have and then saying screw that I mean more than this! Has turned me into a crazy person with multiple personality disorder). He said he's scared he leaves, and I shut the door in his face. He said more, all about the same things, asked if I do want him. Said he will walK. Ahh so now he places all responsibility on you, huh? He can't leave because maybe you won't want him, and then he would have to stand on his own like a grownup and face consequences! The MM do this, twist and turn situations and try & make us feel like its our fault they can't leave, or whatever other reason pops up into their sneaky minds. This is all a bluff on his part, he is not leaving his W, and there is probably nothing that will make him leave. And really... do you want this wishy washy guy, anyway?
Author cupshalfempty Posted July 26, 2011 Author Posted July 26, 2011 I know I know..but I can see his point. I've been fighting being with him and the situation so much how can he trust that I do want him? Then I tell myself that doesn't matter. He shouldn't leave his m soley on it being FOR me, but also for himself. We'll see where the chips land. I sucked big frog balls @ ending it today. I conceded to the 2 month I laid out in my email. He begged for an Oct 1st deadline. Said even Sept 1st. Im going to build myself up for the big break then. Obviously I'm not ready yet. I'm weak willed, or stupidly in love and half believing his words and promises. I am going to abstain from any drama until then. Ill take what I have with him...and stop the asking. Either he does it or not...@ least I have a time frame to gear myself up and strengthen myself for.
bentnotbroken Posted July 26, 2011 Posted July 26, 2011 I know I know..but I can see his point. I've been fighting being with him and the situation so much how can he trust that I do want him? Then I tell myself that doesn't matter. He shouldn't leave his m soley on it being FOR me, but also for himself. We'll see where the chips land. I sucked big frog balls @ ending it today. I conceded to the 2 month I laid out in my email. He begged for an Oct 1st deadline. Said even Sept 1st. Im going to build myself up for the big break then. Obviously I'm not ready yet. I'm weak willed, or stupidly in love and half believing his words and promises. I am going to abstain from any drama until then. Ill take what I have with him...and stop the asking. Either he does it or not...@ least I have a time frame to gear myself up and strengthen myself for. So if you see a bus coming toward you at top speed, do you gear yourself up for the impact or get the hell out of the way?
fooled once Posted July 27, 2011 Posted July 27, 2011 Ahh so now he places all responsibility on you, huh? He can't leave because maybe you won't want him, and then he would have to stand on his own like a grownup and face consequences! The MM do this, twist and turn situations and try & make us feel like its our fault they can't leave, or whatever other reason pops up into their sneaky minds. This is all a bluff on his part, he is not leaving his W, and there is probably nothing that will make him leave. And really... do you want this wishy washy guy, anyway? Ditto So if you see a bus coming toward you at top speed, do you gear yourself up for the impact or get the hell out of the way? Agree You aren't ready to respect yourself more than wanting to be with you. You still will accept the crumbs. Honestly, if a man loves a woman he wouldn't need encouragement, a deadline or someone waiting to catch him What a pansy. "Boo Hoo, you don't love me enough so I don't know if I can leave my marriage" Cry me a river. He has you right where he wants you -- thinking YOU must SHOW HIM how much you REALLY love him...by waiting, waiting and not causing waves and upsetting his poor poor life. Shame on you for expecting him to act like a man and not a toddler Check back in October 1, November 1, December 1...let us know how much more time he needs and how he doesn't feel as if YOU are doing enough to assure him you will always be there for him......
Chalice Posted July 27, 2011 Posted July 27, 2011 I know I know..but I can see his point. I've been fighting being with him and the situation so much how can he trust that I do want him? Then I tell myself that doesn't matter. He shouldn't leave his m soley on it being FOR me, but also for himself. We'll see where the chips land. I sucked big frog balls @ ending it today. I conceded to the 2 month I laid out in my email. He begged for an Oct 1st deadline. Said even Sept 1st. Im going to build myself up for the big break then. Obviously I'm not ready yet. I'm weak willed, or stupidly in love and half believing his words and promises. I am going to abstain from any drama until then. Ill take what I have with him...and stop the asking. Either he does it or not...@ least I have a time frame to gear myself up and strengthen myself for. You were fighting being with him and the situation because you know and knew in your heart that it's not what you deserve. I don't think your fighting being with him should have anything to do with him trusting you want him. Maybe he needs to make sure he has something to fall back on but in essence that's NOT right for YOU because you probably feel like YOU have nothing to fall back on in the relationship. I'm happy that you stuck to laying down the deadline. Hopefully he keeps his word. At least now you have some sort of sanity for yourself to brace for. It's better than continuously not knowing where you stand and what he's going to do or not do. I don't really know how it would be for him to maintain a deadline but at least you have one in your mind. I also wanted to let you know that working with him makes it even harder...........I speak from experience. Normally I'd bury myself in work to "forget" but it's harder to do when you see him 5 days a week. Stick to your deadline. Maybe you will find clarity once you feel like you are more in control of the situation and he's not controlling everything for you or for the both of you........
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