Almond_Joy Posted July 24, 2011 Posted July 24, 2011 Well, I came to this board looking for perspectives, thinking that reading sound sensible advice from dozens of others that have and are dealing with the same situation would stop me from doing what I did. It didn't :-/. I was doing pretty well yesterday, but been really down today. I just want an answer from my ex so badly. I wanted to know his REASON for ignoring me. Ignoring someone is very deliberate, and I can't see that I've done anything to warrant being ignored. If he found someone else - fine. If he decided I'm not the one for him - fine. If he doesn't want to be in a long term committed relationship right now - fine. Any reason is better than silence. So this is the email I sent him: Why did you cut me out of your life, with no explanation? You had been straightforward with me throughout the relationship. It's the ignoring and blocking that hurts. The truth from you would not hurt like this does. Did my profession of enduring love, despite your actions, repulse you? Did you indeed fall out of love with me? I doubt it would hurt less to know, but i can understand people change. What i don't understand is the ignoring. I can't conceive what about me or our interactions would have convinced you that this is a healthy and effective way to leave me in your past. Your silence has left these things in limbo for me. I don't know if sharing this will incline you to respond, but I am getting help. My desperation to keep you in my life when you didn't want to be in it anymore did stem from my lack of social support. I'm addressing that, and am not looking to rekindle a friendship or association of any kind. I just.... want the truth from you. After I sent it, I felt a lot better. I don't know how often he checks the email address I sent this to, or if he'll even read it. I'd be really surprised if I get a response. I guess I'm sharing this because I wanted to ask: The above message, does it sound like I still want to get back together with him or something? I tried to be very clear in the intent of sending the message in what I wrote. And I meant what I said. It won't do any good for either of us to get back into each other's lives again right now. But we both made a significant emotional investment in each other. At the time we were together, I believe he truly loved me.....I just can't get my head around him trying to forget that time by ignoring me. I'm having a hard time accepting being ignored by someone who once told me I meant so much to them. I can't understand how someone can go from love to not caring about a person at all. I mean you have to not care about someone to ignore them, when they're asking for the truth right? The behavior's just....totally illogical. And he's a really logical guy. I'm hoping to get some outside perspective on this....any advice is welcome. If more information about the relationship is needed before giving an opinion, please ask. Thanks in advance for reading, and for your thoughts.
lovesickmonkey Posted July 25, 2011 Posted July 25, 2011 Oh, Almond_Joy ... I think many of us are wrestling with the same question ... "Why is it that the person who said, 'I love you' over and over and over again would choose to end the relationship with such hostility. Or at least with what seems like utter disregard for our well-being. Why not choose to end the relationship in as gentle and caring a way possible? It's difficult to understand the psychology behind it and I'm struggling to come to terms with it myself. I mean, she said "I love you," every day for two years and in the end she said "I never loved you." So mean and thoughtless, as if she were disowning the whole relationship. I don't think it's because she's evil. Rather she's emotionally immature. She said things to push me far away so as not to deal with the thorny issue of explaining what went wrong. It might be the same with yours. Ignoring you and being "angry" with you is a simple way of dealing with a complex emotional issue. Answer one question of yours and it's likely to lead to others. The book, "Getting Past Your Breakup," describes how this is common and when you press the one who dumped you he's likely to become defensive and hostile. I don't like it either and three months into it I'm still aching from the punishing way I was dumped. How could someone I'd have died for been so cruel to me? I know I could break NC and ask her but a satisfying answer, if any at all, would doubtfully be forthcoming. The ball's in her court.
DontWorryBHappy Posted July 25, 2011 Posted July 25, 2011 Almond, I understand where you're coming from with that message. It is obvious to me, and it will be to your ex if he reads it, that you are hurt.. and that you were left feeling very confused by the break up. Being that your ex cut you off so coldly, it would be hard to say exactly what happened. Maybe he really wasn't who you thought he was.... as in, maybe he was just a fantastic actor. Or maybe he met someone else or reconnected with someone from his past. Maybe something happened in his life the suddenly made him want to end your relationship. Or maybe he's just a heartless jerk who ends relationships extremely immaturely, which means he's highly immature in general. You never found out the answer to those questions, and you never would have done something like that to him, so you are understandably upset.... And I understand why you broke NC. If he does not respond I would try to be content with knowing that you at least tried to find some closure from him. Even if you hear nothing, perhaps that attempt can serve as your own closure. Because ultimately, if he does not respond, you will have to move forward and find closure and peace for yourself. TRUST ME, I know that is easier said than done. As you know from my log I'm struggling like hell right now. We're in this together though, and at least you can go forward and know that you tried your best. What did you mean when you said you were trying to keep him in your life when he didn't want you in it? Did you mean that you just tried to call him, and maybe he never answered? If so, try to move on from that, because it's very understandable after all you went through. You deserve better, for real.
Author Almond_Joy Posted July 25, 2011 Author Posted July 25, 2011 Hey guys :-), Monkey - That's so true - that the ball is in their court. I know that's the truth. I knew it the last time I tried to communicate with him, two months ago. I don't know what's going on with my heart today that made my mind believe that reaching out to him again now would yield different results. I just feel stupid now. I've gotten the book you mentioned - I'm just going to spend the rest of today reading it. I haven't been able to focus or apply myself to anything else today. DontWorry - It helps to read and realize that someone else would be confused in my situation. I really felt like I had severe dependency issues in the first few weeks, because I couldn't understand this behavior or let it go. As for the comments about keeping him in my life - we broke up officially in March - he said he was dealing with depression and was unmotivated to do anything at all with his life, and that he didn't think it was fair for me to "wait for him" to get better. He then said "I think its better if we're just friends, and then maybe when I'm better and you still have some feelings about me we can try again." I was still so deeply in love with him, but I understood that he wanted to work through his problems without worrying about maintaining a romantic relationship. But he said he still wanted to be friends. From that breakup message in March until May, he didn't call/send me a text message/send me a facebook message/send me an email....nothing at all. And I'm sure you understand why, I was checking all of these, constantly, waiting for some word from him. He initiated no communication with me and never responded to the messages I sent him (all of two, in a span of 2 months btw - I wasn't harassing him). Meanwhile, he's joking around with other people on his fb wall and flirting with girls that he's training on fb too (he's a physical trainer). I look at that as me trying to stay involved with his life and what's going on with him, and him choosing not to share anything about himself with me. That's what I mean about me trying to keep him in my life, and he not wanting to be in mine. Once I saw the flirting I was convinced he just didn't want to be with me. I sent him a message saying I felt like a fool for continuing to care about him, and that I think it wasn't just depression, but that his feelings were changing for me that motivated him to break up with me. He of course got offended and told me if that's what I feel that's up to me and said bye. I knew that was the wrong way to go about trying to talk to him to start with, and I sent another message like an hour later apologizing for snapping at him, because that's not really what I meant to do, that I was just frustrated at not being communicated with by him. I explained that I just wanted him to talk to me about what's going on with us. His response: "Right now, I'm too busy. Part of the reason that I broke up with you is because I didn't want to have to explain what is happening to me or what is going on with me. Right now I feel like its fine for you to feel the way you feel and I hope you can get over it. Please understand that I wish you the best. Have a great day." Those were his exact words to me, after 10 months of blissful passionate love, and daily communication. I sent two more long emails after that. In the first I explained how important he was to me, and that I just want to understand him. I explained that I just want us to have healthy open lines of communication, but that can't happen if he won't try. I thought about that message, and how he expressed that he doesn't want to explain himself right now, and then sent another message just telling him where my thinking's at. I explained that my love was the long-term enduring kind not some "I only love you when things are good" kind of love. I asked him to affirm or deny whether he had the same kind of love for me. A simple yes or no - in the end, that's all I asked for. I didn't ask him to explain himself to me. I just asked for a yes or no. He never responded, and two weeks later, he blocked me on FB. I was trying to give a condensed answer to my statement about him being in my life........but it just snowballed into this detailed account of the breakup lol..... Maybe in the end I pushed too hard, but that was what was in my heart at the time. I just loved him so much and I thought that he had forgotten that, and that if I reminded him he would at least answer my plea for some - ANY - information from him. I probably came off as desperate, which I was - I knew I was losing him, and he was so much of my life then. As I'm recounting this, I am more and more convinced that he just decided he didn't want to be with me any more. I just wanted to hear him say it........just wanted to hear the truth. I don't care right now. I just feel so stupid for giving him any sign that I was thinking about him or that his actions still have an effect on me, two months later. Because I know he doesn't care. He's had all this time to set things straight with me, and it would take so little. But he's chosen not to, and obviously has no problem with sticking by that decision. **sigh** I don't care how I'm feeling in the future, I'm not doing this again. I'm just jumping back on the NC trail and gonna keep on hiking until it leads me to a place of happiness and stability. Thanks to you both for the perspective, it has helped me feel a bit better .
ScienceGal Posted July 25, 2011 Posted July 25, 2011 (edited) Ignoring you and being "angry" with you is a simple way of dealing with a complex emotional issue. This statement is so true. I don't know your exs' relationship history, but sometimes people will fall into patterns. Ignoring is the easy way out and disrespectful. I am currently being ignored also, and in retrospect I can identify little clues I chose to ignore along the way that were telling me he was never going to be the man I needed him to be. I can speak to all of my exes, but him. And he has no contact with any of his exes. (Red flag?) But for some reason I thought I would be "different" and never dreamed he was capable of such cruelty. Are there things that you've realized when you reflected on the relationship? I hope you find peace and closure with your email, but I hope it comes from within yourself. You deserve and will find better Edited July 25, 2011 by ScienceGal
Author Almond_Joy Posted July 26, 2011 Author Posted July 26, 2011 This statement is so true. I don't know your exs' relationship history, but sometimes people will fall into patterns. Ignoring is the easy way out and disrespectful. I am currently being ignored also, and in retrospect I can identify little clues I chose to ignore along the way that were telling me he was never going to be the man I needed him to be. I can speak to all of my exes, but him. And he has no contact with any of his exes. (Red flag?) But for some reason I thought I would be "different" and never dreamed he was capable of such cruelty. Are there things that you've realized when you reflected on the relationship? Yeah.....I ignored some huge red flags, in retrospect. I knew like 4 months into the relationship that he was capable of acting like this - I actually watched him do it to other people. I just figured he'd never treat me that way. Obviously...I was mistaken lol. **shrugs** ooooo well.
Karala Posted July 26, 2011 Posted July 26, 2011 Hey guys :-), Monkey - That's so true - that the ball is in their court. I know that's the truth. I knew it the last time I tried to communicate with him, two months ago. I don't know what's going on with my heart today that made my mind believe that reaching out to him again now would yield different results. I just feel stupid now. I've gotten the book you mentioned - I'm just going to spend the rest of today reading it. I haven't been able to focus or apply myself to anything else today. DontWorry - It helps to read and realize that someone else would be confused in my situation. I really felt like I had severe dependency issues in the first few weeks, because I couldn't understand this behavior or let it go. As for the comments about keeping him in my life - we broke up officially in March - he said he was dealing with depression and was unmotivated to do anything at all with his life, and that he didn't think it was fair for me to "wait for him" to get better. He then said "I think its better if we're just friends, and then maybe when I'm better and you still have some feelings about me we can try again." I was still so deeply in love with him, but I understood that he wanted to work through his problems without worrying about maintaining a romantic relationship. But he said he still wanted to be friends. From that breakup message in March until May, he didn't call/send me a text message/send me a facebook message/send me an email....nothing at all. And I'm sure you understand why, I was checking all of these, constantly, waiting for some word from him. He initiated no communication with me and never responded to the messages I sent him (all of two, in a span of 2 months btw - I wasn't harassing him). Meanwhile, he's joking around with other people on his fb wall and flirting with girls that he's training on fb too (he's a physical trainer). I look at that as me trying to stay involved with his life and what's going on with him, and him choosing not to share anything about himself with me. That's what I mean about me trying to keep him in my life, and he not wanting to be in mine. Once I saw the flirting I was convinced he just didn't want to be with me. I sent him a message saying I felt like a fool for continuing to care about him, and that I think it wasn't just depression, but that his feelings were changing for me that motivated him to break up with me. He of course got offended and told me if that's what I feel that's up to me and said bye. I knew that was the wrong way to go about trying to talk to him to start with, and I sent another message like an hour later apologizing for snapping at him, because that's not really what I meant to do, that I was just frustrated at not being communicated with by him. I explained that I just wanted him to talk to me about what's going on with us. His response: "Right now, I'm too busy. Part of the reason that I broke up with you is because I didn't want to have to explain what is happening to me or what is going on with me. Right now I feel like its fine for you to feel the way you feel and I hope you can get over it. Please understand that I wish you the best. Have a great day." Those were his exact words to me, after 10 months of blissful passionate love, and daily communication. I sent two more long emails after that. In the first I explained how important he was to me, and that I just want to understand him. I explained that I just want us to have healthy open lines of communication, but that can't happen if he won't try. I thought about that message, and how he expressed that he doesn't want to explain himself right now, and then sent another message just telling him where my thinking's at. I explained that my love was the long-term enduring kind not some "I only love you when things are good" kind of love. I asked him to affirm or deny whether he had the same kind of love for me. A simple yes or no - in the end, that's all I asked for. I didn't ask him to explain himself to me. I just asked for a yes or no. He never responded, and two weeks later, he blocked me on FB. I was trying to give a condensed answer to my statement about him being in my life........but it just snowballed into this detailed account of the breakup lol..... Maybe in the end I pushed too hard, but that was what was in my heart at the time. I just loved him so much and I thought that he had forgotten that, and that if I reminded him he would at least answer my plea for some - ANY - information from him. I probably came off as desperate, which I was - I knew I was losing him, and he was so much of my life then. As I'm recounting this, I am more and more convinced that he just decided he didn't want to be with me any more. I just wanted to hear him say it........just wanted to hear the truth. I don't care right now. I just feel so stupid for giving him any sign that I was thinking about him or that his actions still have an effect on me, two months later. Because I know he doesn't care. He's had all this time to set things straight with me, and it would take so little. But he's chosen not to, and obviously has no problem with sticking by that decision. **sigh** I don't care how I'm feeling in the future, I'm not doing this again. I'm just jumping back on the NC trail and gonna keep on hiking until it leads me to a place of happiness and stability. Thanks to you both for the perspective, it has helped me feel a bit better . You don't need your ex to answer your e-mail, I can answer those questions for you. No, he doesn't love you the way you love him. The reason why he broke up with you is that... *drumroll* ...he just wasn't that into you. Being depressed, having problems of any kind, work, family, whatever... any other "reasons" are EXCUSES. If he wanted to be with you, he would be with you. The only exception to that rule is maybe... no, wait, there's not exception. The reason why he doesn't tell you those things straight is because it's extremely difficult to reject someone when you know they're gonna be hurt by your rejection. As I'm recounting this, I am more and more convinced that he just decided he didn't want to be with me any more. DUH! He broke up with you! Breaking up with you = not wanting to be with you anymore, no need to put lots of thought into it. You're gonna get so mad at him and yourself when you hit the anger stage. I'm sorry if I sound harsh, I really just want to save you pain and future embarassment. Kudos for going back to NC. Now block him on FB (better yet, quit FB, because there's still the issue of mutual friends, and FB is stupid anyway) and THEN you'll be in NC for real and you can begin to heal.
Author Almond_Joy Posted July 26, 2011 Author Posted July 26, 2011 You don't need your ex to answer your e-mail, I can answer those questions for you. No, he doesn't love you the way you love him. The reason why he broke up with you is that... *drumroll* ...he just wasn't that into you. Being depressed, having problems of any kind, work, family, whatever... any other "reasons" are EXCUSES. If he wanted to be with you, he would be with you. The only exception to that rule is maybe... no, wait, there's not exception. The reason why he doesn't tell you those things straight is because it's extremely difficult to reject someone when you know they're gonna be hurt by your rejection. As I'm recounting this, I am more and more convinced that he just decided he didn't want to be with me any more. DUH! He broke up with you! Breaking up with you = not wanting to be with you anymore, no need to put lots of thought into it. You're gonna get so mad at him and yourself when you hit the anger stage. I'm sorry if I sound harsh, I really just want to save you pain and future embarassment. Kudos for going back to NC. Now block him on FB (better yet, quit FB, because there's still the issue of mutual friends, and FB is stupid anyway) and THEN you'll be in NC for real and you can begin to heal. Yeah as part of my healing process I deactivated my FB. It's been about a week and I have no desire to reactivate anytime soon. I'm also 97% indifferent on the breakup, embarassment at myself included. I think following through on the "me work" I'm engaged in will take care of the last 3% in no time at all. Thank you for the harsh honesty lol.
Karala Posted July 26, 2011 Posted July 26, 2011 I'm so glad to hear that you de-activated your account already :] and yeah, sorry, I can be a bitch but it's all tough love ^^ 97% indifferent?? You're doing so much better than me then -_- I broke up in March too, but have only been NC for 2 months; I'm feeling incomparably better, but I still think about him pretty much the whole freaking time. But I guess it's just a habit I got into. And I decided I would really begin to let go of the questions and move on when I leave for my summer vacation in 10 days. I'm a believer in "you're the one who gets to decide how long you stay stuck" and I set myself firm deadlines, lol.
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