IceIceBaby Posted July 24, 2011 Posted July 24, 2011 Boyfriend and I have been together a year. He comes from a different family...they are very loud and in your face. His Mom tends to be on the naggy side as is his sister. Both nag the heck out of his father. This is clearly something my boyfriend grew up with as a child. He was in a 7 year relationship with a girl who was very naggy as well. She would basically complain and nag him about things until he did exactly what she wanted. Enter me. I am not a naggy person at all. I tend to be more laid back and I really don't like feeling like I've made someone do something they don't want to do. Today my boyfriend got off work around 4. He works ALOT but we had agreed to meet up around 5 and maybe take a boat ride and get dinner. I was tired and I knew he would be too so I was going to suggest we just grab dinner and watch a movie in tonight. When he calls he tells me he's really tired and I can sense he might not want to hang tonight. So I say are you in the mood to be along and just chill out? I wasn't really sure why we couldn't just chill out and have a quiet night together, but whatever. So he says yes, is that ok? So he couldn't have been more obvious that he didn't want me there. So I'm a little upset considering I don't see him that much anyway. He then starts to fight me on it telling me to come down and hang out. I say no, he should just be alone. It turns into a 2 hour drawn out thing ending with him basically telling me he expects to be nagged because that's what he's used to. I tell him that's not my style and it would have been much easier if he had just wanted to hang out tonight. So he says that he doesn't want to be nagged, but just reminded that he's being stupid. I'm really concerned I'm not going to be what this guy needs. His ex who was a nag and told him what to do...he was with her for 7 years. Clearly that worked for him. Are some guys just like this where they need a woman to tell them what to do? Can I get my guy to realize I'm not going to do that and will he figure out how to make that work for him? Thoughts?
thatone Posted July 24, 2011 Posted July 24, 2011 i think you may be blowing a misguided comment out of proportion. i can tend to be like your boyfriend at times. i'm pretty easy going, and a decisive woman who tells me what she wants to do is attractive to me. the way i see it, i know what i like, part of the fun of dating is doing things that she likes, which are new to me. if i don't like her suggestions i'll say i don't like them, mind you, but i don't want to be the one to plan EVERYTHING all the time, there's nothing wrong with women saying what they want. it's likely not about the nagging, it's probably about beating around the bush and not saying what you really think or what you're upset about, that's usually the case with women.
Nexus One Posted July 24, 2011 Posted July 24, 2011 Personally, I cannot stand nagging. I find it draining and if I had a girlfriend that would do it too much, then she'd risk the relationship by nagging so much. Some people can nag about absolutely everything all the time and if they can't find something to nag about they will make something up on the spot. Most guys don't like nagging, it's like psychological torture to us. And what you're describing is a guy that has been damaged by it. I feel bad for him, because he probably doesn't now any better.
Author IceIceBaby Posted July 24, 2011 Author Posted July 24, 2011 Personally, I cannot stand nagging. I find it draining and if I had a girlfriend that would do it too much, then she'd risk the relationship by nagging so much. Some people can nag about absolutely everything all the time and if they can't find something to nag about they will make something up on the spot. Most guys don't like nagging, it's like psychological torture to us. And what you're describing is a guy that has been damaged by it. I feel bad for him, because he probably doesn't now any better. I think you're spot on with this comment. He doesn't like being told what to do, but he's so used to it. He grew up with it and then went into a 7 year relationship with a girl who did it to him. I don't think he knows anything else and sometimes I think he doesn't know what to do with me or how I react to things. Thatone - I honestly don't think it's about me not saying what I'm thinking or feeling. We're very open with each other in that regard. But I do struggle with him when it comes to doing things he may not want to do or something that I suggested. He'll tell me to be decisive and pick something to do or someplace to eat. But then when I do he'll usually suggest something else. So it's a bit confusing. Does he then want me to shoot down his suggestion and say no we're doing what I want to do? It's just sad to me. I really wanted to see him today and I feel like it's my fault that I didn't see him because I didn't push back and make him hang out with me? Apparently that's my responsiblity?
thatone Posted July 24, 2011 Posted July 24, 2011 Thatone - I honestly don't think it's about me not saying what I'm thinking or feeling. We're very open with each other in that regard. But I do struggle with him when it comes to doing things he may not want to do or something that I suggested. He'll tell me to be decisive and pick something to do or someplace to eat. But then when I do he'll usually suggest something else. So it's a bit confusing. Does he then want me to shoot down his suggestion and say no we're doing what I want to do? in that case, yeah you're right, he's fishing for drama because that's what he knows.
Nexus One Posted July 24, 2011 Posted July 24, 2011 The fact that he's used to nagging has skewed the interaction between you two. He doesn't know how to react to a woman that doesn't nag and consequently you don't know how to react to that, because that's not a healthy way for people to interact. To be honest I'm not sure how this can be solved. One could of course suggest therapy to him, but he quite probably would feel offended by the suggestion of that. So perhaps the only way forward is for you two to get used to each other. He needs to learn that there are women out there that aren't like his mother and ex and he needs to learn how to deal with women who don't nag. Naturally you're going to run into his quirks during this time, but if you're lucky you'd see them diminish over time once he gets used to a woman that doesn't nag all the time. I wouldn't recommend you to become a nagging woman yourself, that would just keep the problem going. In my opinion that's not what you should do in this situation. I understand you like him and want to stay with him, but this wouldn't be the way in my opinion.
thatone Posted July 25, 2011 Posted July 25, 2011 i can tell you how to respond to him when he starts such behavior, that's easy. "i'm not going to argue with you, you told me you wanted me to point out your faults, this is one of them, that's the end of this discussion" and no matter what he says, simply don't respond. he will either get furious and leave, or start to accept that he has a problem, one or the other, but either way you've put the ball in his court (where it needs to be).
Ruby Slippers Posted July 25, 2011 Posted July 25, 2011 Men love it when you're bitchy with them. They say they don't, but try it and just see how they eat it up.
zengirl Posted July 25, 2011 Posted July 25, 2011 The fact that he's used to nagging has skewed the interaction between you two. He doesn't know how to react to a woman that doesn't nag and consequently you don't know how to react to that, because that's not a healthy way for people to interact. To be honest I'm not sure how this can be solved. One could of course suggest therapy to him, but he quite probably would feel offended by the suggestion of that. So perhaps the only way forward is for you two to get used to each other. He needs to learn that there are women out there that aren't like his mother and ex and he needs to learn how to deal with women who don't nag. Naturally you're going to run into his quirks during this time, but if you're lucky you'd see them diminish over time once he gets used to a woman that doesn't nag all the time. I wouldn't recommend you to become a nagging woman yourself, that would just keep the problem going. In my opinion that's not what you should do in this situation. I understand you like him and want to stay with him, but this wouldn't be the way in my opinion. Great advice. I dated a guy who had a terrible naggy borderline (literally the psychological disorder) before me and other really bad GFs before that; really sweet guy but I was literally the first normal girl he'd ever dated, potentially way worse than your BF for all I know. The borderline chick would actually nag and nag and threaten suicide and stuff if she didn't get her way. But it definitely impacted him when we fought (he even would think I didn't care about him because I wouldn't nag or act crazy like she had). He was already in therapy when I met him, so therapy does help. For us, so did my awareness of the situation. And I would say, "Don't treat me like I'm other people" if he did anything kneejerk. Which worked for us because it's actually a line from West Wing (Amy says to Josh) which was a show both of us loved, so it kind of doubled as an inside joke and usually broke the tension. I feel like finding a pattern-breaker or something to call attention to unhealthy behavior always helps---it's what I do for myself, and it's something I've done in different ways in relationships. And as Nexus says, he'll just have to get used to it. That guy and I didn't work out because he was a bit too needy for me, mostly because of his bad experiences, but I think we both helped each other a lot. He's married now and his wife is a friend of mine---a totally non-naggy, non-crazy gal.
Woggle Posted July 25, 2011 Posted July 25, 2011 It's funny how the world works. The one guy who actually wants to be nagged has a woman that doesn't want to do it. Irony at it's best.
Nexus One Posted July 25, 2011 Posted July 25, 2011 Men love it when you're bitchy with them. They say they don't, but try it and just see how they eat it up. You have it so wrong in my opinion. Being a b*tch and nagging might get a woman what she wants in the short term, because a guy will cave due to the psychological pressure that's on him because of the nagging/b*tching. However believe me when I say that he doesn't like it and that it will damage the relationship over time. So in the short term nagging/b*tching might get you what you want, but it will be damaging to the relationship in the longterm. And besides, if you have to pressure a guy that hard for something you want, then it's not coming from his heart, so think about if that's the kind of relationship you want.
Author IceIceBaby Posted July 25, 2011 Author Posted July 25, 2011 But I don't want to bitchy to him. That's not the kind of relationship I want for us. I don't want to bitch at him until he agrees with me simply because he doesn't want to hear me bitch anymore. I think that sounds horrible. I want us each to do things simply because we want to. zengirl - I actually have told him not to treat me like her. He usually gets a little defensive, but then realizes what he's doing. Sometimes he reacts to me like I've already reacted like she used to...but I haven't even reacted that way yet. They've been broken up for 4 years, you'd think she'd be a distant memory at this point. My ex did a number on me by rejecting sex over and over. Took me some time to move on from that, but it's not in my head anymore.
SoleMate Posted July 25, 2011 Posted July 25, 2011 You definitely should take steps to correct this misperception on his part. No reason for you to have to turn into a nag (which after all is very unpleasant for you). I had a similar situation with my ex-H. He would tend not to listen to me or take my requests seriously, no matter how calm, reasonable and logical I was. In fact, he acted like he couldn't even really hear me. One day, I was so frustrated with his unfairness that I actually broke down in tears. Boy, did he ever surprise by saying, "I guess <X> is really important to you and I will now start making an effort." And he did! Turns out his mother had made a practice of using tears to get her way. He couldn't understand that a woman was serious, unless there was saline running down her face. That's messed up.
Enchanted Girl Posted July 25, 2011 Posted July 25, 2011 But I don't want to bitchy to him. That's not the kind of relationship I want for us. I don't want to bitch at him until he agrees with me simply because he doesn't want to hear me bitch anymore. I think that sounds horrible. I want us each to do things simply because we want to. zengirl - I actually have told him not to treat me like her. He usually gets a little defensive, but then realizes what he's doing. Sometimes he reacts to me like I've already reacted like she used to...but I haven't even reacted that way yet. They've been broken up for 4 years, you'd think she'd be a distant memory at this point. My ex did a number on me by rejecting sex over and over. Took me some time to move on from that, but it's not in my head anymore. People learn how relationships work from watching their family and also from past relationships. My father taught me to never raise my voice with a man I am dating, so it's really, really hard to get me to that point. He taught me not to nag. But unfortunately with the way he treated my mother and told me how a good woman should act and my Christian upbringing, I was also taught that women are supposed to be submissive/inferior in the relationship. My ex loved this. I was PROUD of humiliating myself by obeying him because of the way I was raised and he used that to make my act like a dog in front of his friends. (Which meant crawling on my hands and knees, barking, and whining for attention from him and admitting that I was his bitch out loud.) One of HIS friends got so offended by this performance that he threatened to kick my ex's ass and only didn't because his other friends were saying,"No. She's (meaning me) ACTUALLY that submissive. She likes this. You can't change the situation. This is what they like to do." Also, when my ex got mad at me, I had occasions where I had to get down on my hands and knees, kiss his feet, and beg for forgiveness before he let go of his grudge. His grudges lasted for weeks or months at a time. Now, fast forward to my current boyfriend who has to deal with the fact that I've been trained to behave this way. He's had to GET MAD AT ME when I've gotten down on my hands and knees beneath him to beg for forgiveness. I've asked him to humiliate me when I'm a bad girlfriend because I can't forgive myself (a lot because of my ex) until I feel sufficiently punished before we can move on and he refuses to. He gets mad at me when I insult myself, calling myself stupid, pathetic, and clingy, which were all words my ex used to use with me in an "affectionate" manner until I started confusing them with compliments. You have to understand . . . . these ways of being treated aren't ways that either me (or your boyfriend) want to be treated, but when we don't get treated that way, we get super confused because we've been trained to handle situations in that manner and therefore we don't know how to handle them in a different way. But if you're patient with him and stop him when he does it, you can re-train him not to respond to these things and handle things in a healthier manner.
zengirl Posted July 25, 2011 Posted July 25, 2011 But I don't want to bitchy to him. That's not the kind of relationship I want for us. I don't want to bitch at him until he agrees with me simply because he doesn't want to hear me bitch anymore. I think that sounds horrible. I want us each to do things simply because we want to. zengirl - I actually have told him not to treat me like her. He usually gets a little defensive, but then realizes what he's doing. Sometimes he reacts to me like I've already reacted like she used to...but I haven't even reacted that way yet. They've been broken up for 4 years, you'd think she'd be a distant memory at this point. My ex did a number on me by rejecting sex over and over. Took me some time to move on from that, but it's not in my head anymore. It is hard for men to get over that kind of emotional abuse, especially if they've not known anything else in a relationship. Length of time alone isn't enough IMO. If he realizes what he's doing, that's a good sign! That exBF I talked about was defensive too---that's why we turned it into kind of a joke. He was also i therapy though, as I said, which helped A LOT.
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