Danni Posted April 26, 2004 Posted April 26, 2004 Hi I've been reading this site for a couple of weeks now and it has been very helpful to me. I would like to ask a question to the other women. (past and present) If you had to do it all over again, would you? It seems that a common theme in most of the posts relates to having an inexplicable bond with the MM and it leads me to ask the question above. BTW, I am an OW. 5+ years.
saintfrancis Posted April 26, 2004 Posted April 26, 2004 Although I love the man I was involved with deeply, am wildly attracted to him, and do feel that "connection" you speak of... if I had known then what I know now, NO, I would not do it again.
Author Danni Posted April 26, 2004 Author Posted April 26, 2004 Thank you for your answer. May I ask if you are still involved and how long you have been/ are in your relationship ?
kkat Posted April 26, 2004 Posted April 26, 2004 I love the MM I have been involved with. I feel an amazing connection with him. I believe he loves me. We had some wonderful times together, including living together, planning a life together, etc. None of it materialized. I am struggling everyday to completely exit the relationship emotionally and NO WAY would I ever do it again, ever, in any situation. I have found that I don't even want to chat in a social way with married men, even married men I know socially already or through business. This pain is so not worth it. For every beautiful moment I had with him, and there have been many, I have had a thousand moments of unbearable pain.
Author Danni Posted April 26, 2004 Author Posted April 26, 2004 Gee kkat, if I didn't know better I would believe that I wrote your response. Thanks for answering
saintfrancis Posted April 26, 2004 Posted April 26, 2004 I was with him for a little over 2 years, then we broke up in, um... February? March? I forget! Anyway, we have had an up-and-down friendship since then (mostly up).
Beach Gurl Posted April 26, 2004 Posted April 26, 2004 Tough one. I would never want to NOT have known him, experienced his friendship, warmth, sense of humour, intelligence. This, of course, could have been accomplished with pure friendship, I would like to think. But I wouldnt wish on my worst enemy the agony of accepting that he just (as Arabess says) doesn't love me enough to make the necessary changes.
reachingskywards Posted April 26, 2004 Posted April 26, 2004 I wouldn't do it again... I love him and believe that he loves me. But I know I can find love in more appropriate places.
ww Posted April 26, 2004 Posted April 26, 2004 no! not ever!NEVER!I would never do it again! but SH*T happens...we all know that
hART Posted April 26, 2004 Posted April 26, 2004 Originally posted by hART let him go and get your own guy. Life might not be black and white, but you are hurting another human being. Being another woman is fine, if you are not hurting her. I see things in shades of grey, but you people sicken me.
hART Posted April 26, 2004 Posted April 26, 2004 Originally posted by Beach Gurl hART ... life is not black & white Sure it isn't. You shouldn't have done that to someone. Do you ever think about how she feels? About how much she loves this person? Life isn't all about you either and stealing a man from a troubled relationship just adds to lifes burdens.
Beach Gurl Posted April 26, 2004 Posted April 26, 2004 Being another woman is fine, if you are not hurting her. Please explain this comment, how can it be fine? How do you NOT hurt the spouse? I accept and understand that it is wrong. I am just saying there are a myriad of situations, circumstances, and people involved here. To say "I XXXXXX YOU" to all and sundry is wrong, not to mention strange in light of the fact that you do not know any of us personally (or at least I don't think so).
saintfrancis Posted April 26, 2004 Posted April 26, 2004 While everyone has their "right" to post wherever they want, I believe the question in the start of this thread was directed at those who are or have been involved with a married man, and was specific as to topic. So, kids, why don't we get back on that topic, eh?
yes Posted April 26, 2004 Posted April 26, 2004 i think my case was a great learning experience and adventure for me, i don't regret that it happened. i've learned what it brings on, though, so no more married men for me! -yes
Guest Posted April 26, 2004 Posted April 26, 2004 I've never been involved with a MM, but I know someone who was. She and her husband are divorced now (for over 15 years now) but she once told me that she only dated married men because she could have all the fun and none of the responsibility. Once she was married (to a friend of ours who left his wife for her) she didn't like it and again sought out MM for affairs. (explains why she's divorced) and is quite happy that way. She remarried for a while to another one of the MM who left his wife for her and then divorced him. She's in her mid-50's now and is still looking only for married men but not finding them as abundently as she did when she was in her 20's & 30's.
VivianLee Posted April 26, 2004 Posted April 26, 2004 I wish I never had....I always said, I'd never do anything like that, especially after I had it done to me.... The reasons? To name a few.... I stopped being able to do the thing I turned to most and that was pray.... I hurt people, people I loved and people I didn't know but loved the person I was with... I lost my daughter's respect.... I despise the addiction I have/had to this person...he was good to me during the whole affair, we never fought, there were no promises made or broken during the relationship (well except a HUGE one to his wife) and since it started out as a friendship and was more of a friendship than anything, I don't have any "bad" thoughts about him PLUS having never been addicted to anything, this has been one of the hardest parts to deal with what I've done...the addiction.....it's like I've been on heroin and I just can't stop wanting to talk to him, even though I'm not madly in love with him or want to be with him (my husband and I are really doing well together), I still want to talk to him and have to fight that every day till it hurts in the pit of my stomach and I DESPISE something controlling me like that!!
hART Posted April 26, 2004 Posted April 26, 2004 Okay saying "I hate you all" wasn't very nice, I'm speaking more from my emotions. Knowing it is wrong, means you shouldn't do it. Okay many situations, I do beleive that. Life get complicated, but feeding into someone that is hurting someone else isn't fair to anyone. I'm fine with polyamory, because you aren't hurting anyone. If the person knows you love her husband and accepts it with open arms, it's great. Finding love is difficult, sure. It would hurt the spouse less if her husband would tell her what is going on, instead of disrespecting both you and her. It is disrespecting you, because if he loved you he wouldn't want you to be the 2nd woman. At the first sign of love, he should have told her about it. It hurts much less than the betrayal and heartbreak of knowing you might have to dump someone, because of something they did. Knowing that you won't ever have that trust again. How can you trust him? If he is doing this to her, won't he do it to you too? You might not believe me, but cheaters don't change very often. Okay, maybe he has kids. What example is he setting? What about when she finds out and can't take care of her kids because of it? I'll admit I'm being bitter, but it still isn't fair to the unknowing party. I'm pretty sure I haven't met you, it just isn't fair to encourage someone to hurt someone else. You people aren't the bad people, but you are encouraging unhealthy behavior. That's all.
justcallmesnug Posted April 26, 2004 Posted April 26, 2004 I never thought of being involved with a MM, and I wish I never got involved with this guy. What is the sense of loving someone who loves you back but can not (or will not) ever be with you? It has been torture. I hope that I can get my life back to normal, as he has been a big part of it for three years!
jenny Posted April 26, 2004 Posted April 26, 2004 i want to phrase this gently. i am determined to do so. do you really believe that your compulsion towards your married man is that special? i beleive in love, i believe particularly in literary love that transcends conventional notions of fidelity, but i think it happens maybe once in a generation, and then only to very literate people. i think what happens most of the time is cheese. insert insecure woman and horny male, and you have yourself an affair that longs to be noble. it's not. you're a cliche. the fact that you long for him is an indication of your deficiency of character, not of the grand love that you are imagining. he does not love you. he wants to have some sex with you, and then let you marry elsewhere. i'm glad you're being strong and getting over this. it benefits no one to place delusions on him or your past together. you have to re-think the kind of person you are when something like this happens; please do so. if you believe in fidelity, start living a different life, right now.
Chrissy21 Posted April 26, 2004 Posted April 26, 2004 NO I don't have any regrets about falling in love with my MM. But I do have regrets for the circumstances and the pain it has caused in our lives. There is never a right reason to cheat, but things happen in life where there isn't always simple answers. I cannot justify getting involved with a married man. One day I'll probably look back on it and have certain regrets. We have been together for over a year and everyday it seems to become more of a challenge to hold on to. I wouldn't do it again simply because it's too hard. At first, when the affair just begins, you don't realize all the people you're hurting. It took me almost a year to realize this.
jenny Posted April 26, 2004 Posted April 26, 2004 i look back with regret when i know i have done something wrong that hurt people. i want absolutely nothing to do with people who are incapable of this kind of regret and those who choose instead a simpleton's romanticism. destructive and stupid is a very bad, and frankly boring, combination, unless one is on the 'trailer park boys.'
justcallmesnug Posted April 26, 2004 Posted April 26, 2004 the fact that you long for him is an indication of your deficiency of character, not of the grand love that you are imagining. he does not love you. he wants to have some sex with you, and then let you marry elsewhere. For Jenny- I do not have a deficiency in character, and where did you get this from? Yes, he does love me, and I have come to realize this is not going to work out for us, as I do not wish to be anyone's second choice. I am doing my best to shut this down. I have come to realize it was a mistake.
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