puzzlepiece Posted July 24, 2011 Posted July 24, 2011 I won't go into all the details of my over 2 year affair (it's on other threads under my username), but I ended it recently. I have tried ending it many times, and I end up missing the OM and wondering whether I made the wrong decision. I have ended it again this time, this time I hope for good, this time after talking with a therapist who suggested I work on my marriage for up to a year, and then if I am still unhappy, only then to consider a divorce. Why on earth do I keep second-guessing my decision? I think about what life would be like with the OM, and I can't stop these thoughts in my head. Or maybe I can, but I don't know how. Is this normal to end an affair and then wonder constantly if you made the right decision? I also miss the OM very much. I still work with him (for the next month only) and find it hard to see him at work and not know what's going on with him, when I used to know everything about him. Is this affair withdrawal? Or is it a sign that maybe I am in really in love with the OM and should be with him?
whichwayisup Posted July 24, 2011 Posted July 24, 2011 Maybe instead of working on your marriage, you should take some time for you and figure out what it is and who it is you want. But, that means going NC with BOTH OM and your husband..Unless you have children, then only deal with your H when it involves your kids. Obviously you don't feel "it" for your H due to not being over the OM so how the heck can you focus on your marriage when it seems not ready to let go of the OM?
fooled once Posted July 25, 2011 Posted July 25, 2011 I agree with WWIU. And no, just because you miss him doesn't mean you will have a lifetime with him or that you are destined to be with him. It means you miss him, nothing more, nothing less. I feel bad for your H. Does he know of the affair? I think you need to be on your own because I don't see that you are really interested in fixing your issues in your marriage.
KathyM Posted July 25, 2011 Posted July 25, 2011 I won't go into all the details of my over 2 year affair (it's on other threads under my username), but I ended it recently. I have tried ending it many times, and I end up missing the OM and wondering whether I made the wrong decision. I have ended it again this time, this time I hope for good, this time after talking with a therapist who suggested I work on my marriage for up to a year, and then if I am still unhappy, only then to consider a divorce. Why on earth do I keep second-guessing my decision? I think about what life would be like with the OM, and I can't stop these thoughts in my head. Or maybe I can, but I don't know how. Is this normal to end an affair and then wonder constantly if you made the right decision? I also miss the OM very much. I still work with him (for the next month only) and find it hard to see him at work and not know what's going on with him, when I used to know everything about him. Is this affair withdrawal? Or is it a sign that maybe I am in really in love with the OM and should be with him? You did the right thing in ending the affair. Obviously, you have strong feelings for him after having sex with him for two years, but you are cheating yourself out of a potentially happy marriage if you won't let him go. Spend your energies, your time and attention on nurturing your relationship with your spouse. That is the honorable thing to do. Something you can feel good about. You made the right decision. Please stick with it, and don't go back.
Silly_Girl Posted July 25, 2011 Posted July 25, 2011 Hi pp, personally I think you've been advised well. It's my 'tattoo rule'. When I wanted to get a tattoo (i.e. something permanent, not easily reversed) I decided if I felt the same in 12 months I probably wouldn't regret getting it done. With my marriage I tried for longer but to no avail. You can't get back to where you are. If you leave you'll never have this opportunity again. If you and MM are 'destined to be' it's my opinion that it would happen at some point in the future, it's not a one-time offer so to speak. But this is a valuable place to be. To get clarity and perspective. To work properly at fixing things.... Because if you don't try your hardest and you leave, any new relationship is going to be difficult to enjoy if you have regret and sadness stacked up inside you because you didn't give the previous relationship your all. Likewise, if you know deep down you won't really commit to your marriage, don't go through the motions and complicate matters, just leave as quickly as possible; move on and don't drag things out and prolong the hurt of your spouse.
Gentlegirl Posted July 25, 2011 Posted July 25, 2011 YOu need to work on what it is you really want . I agree that if you can you should disengage from both men. Have a long look at yourself and think about what got you into the A in the first place. If it's a problem in your marriage and you want to fix it, do it. Gentlegirl
y2k Posted July 25, 2011 Posted July 25, 2011 Maybe instead of working on your marriage, you should take some time for you and figure out what it is and who it is you want. But, that means going NC with BOTH OM and your husband..Unless you have children, then only deal with your H when it involves your kids. ^^^^This is the best advice here in my opinion. There is nothing wrong in ending your marriage if you're not in love with your husband. Of course I don't like the idea of cheating, but if you're not in love with your husband, then you shouldn't have to be with him. We are free human beings after all. No one owns us. Take time out for YOU. Maybe then you'll know what you want. Maybe your OM is the love of you life.....maybe not. Maybe living a single life for a while will lead you to some happiness.......maybe not. Maybe within your time alone, you meet another man who may make you happy.....maybe not. Taking time out for YOU could help you decide. Go NC with both your H and OM. Take time out for you. Do what makes you happy. Good luck.
KathyM Posted July 25, 2011 Posted July 25, 2011 Love is a feeling that comes and goes in a marriage. It is during the down times that we are most vulnerable to relationships with people outside the marriage. You can build back your relationship and your love for your husband. You just need the right formula. You need to invest your time and attention on your relationship with your husband. If you are serious about trying to make the marriage work, then give it your best effort. Give the marital counseling your best effort. If you go into it half-heartedly with the idea that if it doesn't work out, you'll have the other guy waiting, then you can be sure it won't work out, since your heart won't be in it.
y2k Posted July 25, 2011 Posted July 25, 2011 Love is a feeling that comes and goes in a marriage. It is during the down times that we are most vulnerable to relationships with people outside the marriage. You can build back your relationship and your love for your husband. You just need the right formula. You need to invest your time and attention on your relationship with your husband. If you are serious about trying to make the marriage work, then give it your best effort. Give the marital counseling your best effort. If you go into it half-heartedly with the idea that if it doesn't work out, you'll have the other guy waiting, then you can be sure it won't work out, since your heart won't be in it. I personally don't agree with this. If the woman lost so much love for her husband to the point where she found an OM, and is even missing him right now, shows that at the very least she should LEAVE HER H. Ounce cheating has happened, I think the most respectful thing is ending the marriage. When it comes to cheating, I believe that counseling stuff is phony boloney and I know a portion of the people on this board will hate me for saying it but it's true. I just hope the original poster can think for herself and I wish her luck.
KathyM Posted July 25, 2011 Posted July 25, 2011 I personally don't agree with this. If the woman lost so much love for her husband to the point where she found an OM, and is even missing him right now, shows that at the very least she should LEAVE HER H. Ounce cheating has happened, I think the most respectful thing is ending the marriage. When it comes to cheating, I believe that counseling stuff is phony boloney and I know a portion of the people on this board will hate me for saying it but it's true. I just hope the original poster can think for herself and I wish her luck. Well, she came here asking for advice, so she'll be getting both sides of the issue. I do agree with you though, that once a partner has cheated and the affair is made known, it is very difficult to get it back on track, since the trust has been broken. But I do know many people have been able to forgive their spouse and get their marriage back on track with the right help from a counselor. But they both have to be committed to make it work. They can't go into it half-heartedly thinking, well I'll try it, and if it doesn't work out, so be it.
Silly_Girl Posted July 25, 2011 Posted July 25, 2011 They can't go into it half-heartedly thinking, well I'll try it, and if it doesn't work out, so be it. So important and very relevant to this poster I think.
Author puzzlepiece Posted July 25, 2011 Author Posted July 25, 2011 I don't know if I have the grass is always greener syndrome. It seems that whatever way I decide on this situation, I always think about what it would be if I did it the other way. I do feel, though, at this point that I owe my husband and kids a chance to make my marriage work, especially because nothing was ever completely wrong with the marriage (affair just began at a low point). Also, things have not been perfect with the OM either, with a lot of trust issues. I think most people looking at my situation, if they knew both my husband and OM and my history, would definitely say I should give my marriage a chance. I just wish I wasn't thinking about the other choice also, that I could just be completely satisfied with the choice I made. I suppose this is normal when you have developed feelings for another person and will get better with time and distance.
So Very Confused Posted July 25, 2011 Posted July 25, 2011 Why on earth do I keep second-guessing my decision? I think about what life would be like with the OM, and I can't stop these thoughts in my head. Or maybe I can, but I don't know how. Is this normal to end an affair and then wonder constantly if you made the right decision? I also miss the OM very much. I still work with him (for the next month only) and find it hard to see him at work and not know what's going on with him, when I used to know everything about him. Is this affair withdrawal? Or is it a sign that maybe I am in really in love with the OM and should be with him? I think it's perfectly normal to second guess the decision to end a relationship. At one time you had powerful feelings for this man and they won't just disappear magically overnight. I don't think it means anything other than you are a normal human being with emotions and feelings. It would be so wonderful if we could just turn our emotions on and off like a light switch, but humans just don't work like that.
Recommended Posts