Has change come too late?

[Leann67]

It's a good think my typing is excellent. this is a book! LOL

I'm 44 married 18years. Daughter moved out in college for 5yrs and 12yr old son at home.

I know many come from dysfunctional childhoods but mine was pretty bad. There were 5 of us. My parents were just demented for a lack of a better word. Discipline was horrible. Hooking you to the electric fence that kept our cows. Your punishment for bedwetting was to make you put your nose in your pee for an hr or more or dad peeing in the toilet then putting your head in it. At about age 7 or so mom caught me masturbating in my bed that I was grounded to for 2weeks and ripped all my clothing off, drug me into the livingroom lined up all my siblings and the cousins and made me repeat what she caught me doing in front of them. So you get the pic, pretty bad. I grew up the "caretaker". I was a mother to all my siblings and even into adulthood tried "saving" them all from their own life issues (drugs, child abuse, etc)

 

I married my husband 18years ago. We had known each other only 8 months before we got married. About 5-6 months into our relationship I knew he had a bad mouth and icky temper and was severly addicted to pot but ignored it all. My "caretaker" side took over to try to change him. Within a year I was trying hard to make him happy. I spent 15 years of my marriage wishing i'd not married him. He was very abusive. Name calling (you stupid f'ing bitc#, what the f were you thinking, your so f'ing stupid, you worthless piece of shi$, etc etc. He treated my daughter the same. She was approx 4 or so when we met.

As I got older I was so so tired and drained of walking on the infamous eggshells. I had tried nearly every "tactic" there was in the book. Begging him to go to counseling but nope his exact words were something I'll never forget "I'm not going to some stupid f'ing stranger and airing out your f'ing dirty laundry just because your too sensitive". I tried giving him a dose of his own medicine yelling and cursing back. I threatened to leave. He somehow managed to end every single disagreement with me walking away feeling I had done something wrong. There were so so many nights I cried trying to be quiet so he couldn't hear me.

 

He forced me to cut off my family members. I was doing nothing but being codependent with them and being involved in all their issues all the time. I remember my brother being strung out on drugs at my door crying and begging please please help. His feet were full of blisters from walking so much in the heat in california. I had to turn my back on him. I remember going to a restraunt to eat and seeing him sitting on a curb under a freeway and my heart sank and it hurt so bad but there's no way my husband would even consider stopping.

 

When i got pregnant with my son 12yrs ago he was very upset I wouldn't consider abortion. That's not an option for me it's murder. He treated me like crap my whole pregnancy. I wasn't allowed to change in front of him cause I was "fat and looked deformed". Not once did he go to any appointment, look at any book with me or touch my belly to feel the baby moving. However after our son was born he held him and as he got tears in his eyes said "i had no idea".

 

He moved us across the us (literally) for his career. His parents followed as our son was their life. I love them and they are my own parents.

 

About 3 years ago, I was done. I wasn't mad anymore, wasn't sad or anything. I didn't care and had become numb to him. I'd spent so much time wishing he would die. A car accident, heart attack etc. I've read now and been told those feelings are very normal in abusive relationships. Or that he'd have an affair and let me off the hook. I told him I wanted out. Told him I didn't love him and what was best for me and my son were to get away from him. Well, naturally he didn't take to it very well. He cried and sobbed and begged and pleaded. Please please don't break my heard don't break up our family. He said he'd go to anger management, would quit smoking pot and go to marriage counseling. I was thinking "great, now i can't leave cause this time he says he's willing to get help". I stayed.

 

The next 4-6 months were pretty good. He didn't curse me out anymore, no name calling and had started helping around the house a little. (taking the garbage out or mowing etc) I got caught up in this. Like a dry sponge soaking up water I soaked up this hope of being treated decent. It slowely started fading away. He's never gotten back to how he use to be but still snapping about things, getting upset easily and being mean to me and our son. I was traveling alot for work I did workshops to employees and was also head of our soccer region. I ran a region of approx 30 board members and 500 kids. I was getting my social needs met this way and was away from him. I have back issues have had my entire life. Doc had me on pain med and anti inflamatories and doing physical therapy. After about 3-4 months on these I quickly become addicted to them. I'd gotten to where i was taking them all the time to feel good. They turned me into a very happy superwoman. Keeping up with all the projects and made my home life so very tolerable. I got pretty bad. Over about a year I did some serious damage to us financially. Thousands of dollars. After I feel i hit my bottom i went to my doctor. The one that had been prescribing them to me. (couse i was buying them illegally also). told him i needed help getting off them. I'd read they could prescribe something to help with the withdrawel side affects. the nausea, diarrehea, shaking etc etc. He said the amount i was taking i needed rehab that he couldn't help me. I couldn't do this. my husband would find out as well as my job and all. I engaged a friend of mine and we spent right at 2 weeks weening me off these. (detox). It was very hard but i did it. Then i was standing there looking back at what all I'd done. My destruction. I told my husband. I had to cause there was no way i could get us out of the financial mess alone. Long story but he stayed with me, said he knew what it was like to stop an addiction and that he loved me.

 

This was maybe a year ago ish??? He's a good man responsible, good job, etc etc. Loves us very much. But this anger and the way he treats us is horrible. And he blames us for making him angry. Example:

The roller broke off the dishwasher shelf. His response (very angry) "what the hel# were you doing to it to freakin break it!!??"

It was 3:00 in the morning and I couldn't sleep due to his snoring. He gets angry when I wake him to stop so I quietly got up to go sleep in the guest room. He heard me and says very angrily "what the F am I doing now!!?"

My little bichon frise dog loves to run around very fast in a circle in the living room after his bath. I think it's hilarious but my husbands response. " that dog is f'ing stupid".

I could list examples all day long but he's no fun to be around even when he's not upset. He's a lump in the chair. I take the garbage out to the curb and do 100% of everything in the home. Cats, dogs, son home, etc etc. He pays the bills ever since my "issue". I do'nt like being around him. I've taught my son how to lie to avoid making him angry.

 

I'm in therapy and have been for about 2 months. I'm also attending weekly CoDA meetings (codependents anonymous). I've been very codependent my whole life. I'm doing VERY well. I've learned to quit changing others and staying out of their business. learning to set boundaries and all. He knows I'm going he knows about the codependency and I've told him a hundred times I'm setting boundaries and I don't like the way he treats us. He will say I"m too sensitive or blame us such as if we hadn't of done something wrong he wouldn't get mad.

 

About 5 days ago I told him I was done again. I come right out and told him I've wanted out of this marriage my whole life. I don't think I've ever loved him. I don't love him now, don't like him and don't even like being around him. He was so upset. Saying I can't believe your going to tear up our family and break our son's heart because your so f'ing selfish! I've read a bunch of books the last few months that have helped me tremoundsly. 4 of them on codependency and overcoming it and setting boundaries. A few on abusive men and relationships. I'm growing and getting stronger every day. I've learned to love myself. My self esteem is getting better.

 

We'd had a long conversation that day - 5 days ago. I lost it after again he called me selfish saying "but I love you and i stood by you when you went through that shi$ does that mean nothing to you!!??" I pointed out his parents. Married for nearly 50years. His dad would die for his mom. He has her all to himself (they don't have friends and dont socialize) but, he talks to her very bad. He'll say "damni$ Lois...get your story straight" or stuff like that. He's a grouch old man. I had lost it and was telling him NO ONE has the right to treat me like you do and I'm done. No more. I'm tired of hoping for changes that I know aren't coming. I'm done trying to fix or change you it's something you gotta do yourself. I want out that's all there is to it.

 

Well, the next day he's mr perfect again. Helping in the house, being nice and hasn't raised his voice once. When I asked him about why he was doing this he says he realizes he's not nice and will stop. I think he needs therapy but he thinks he's aware of it and he can just stop.

 

But....It's doing nothing for me. I've already emotionally distanced myself. I don't think I could ever ever trust to open up to him emotionally. I'm much too damaged by him. I want him to change to set a better example for our son but I don't want any part of him. I think he's probably gauging his success in his changes on my feelings towards him which more than likely won't work. It's not like I"m going to say "oh, your so wonderful for not abusing us". So it sounds like my mind is made up. But, now he's being all nice and ok to be around and acting interested in us and our opinions and all I ONCE AGAIN would feel too guilty to still leave. I don't think it's possible to ever love him.

 

I had talked to my son about 2weeks ago and told him i was thinking of leaving. see how he felt and how bad it would hurt him. His response was "does that mean you guys wouldn't be fighting anymore?" He says he'd be ok with it. I know he won't do just fine but i know he's old enough to understand and not hate me for it.

 

I can't count how many times I've talked to him about how he treats us and I'm always the blame. It's always us that is responsible for his behavior. I'm selfish, i'm sensitive, i should have done something to give him a reason to be upset. I swear it's about 4-5 times a week i'm trying to address his mouth to us. It's never ending. We fight ALL the time and 99% of our fights are me saying I do'nt want him treating us like this. When the fights get bad and he's faced with the threat of loosing me he'll change but not for long. Maybe a week or so at the longest. Then as soon as he feels comfortable in the relationship again he slowely transitions back to his old self again.

 

Even if he really did make his change permanent one day and he never treats us badly again....there is nothing in him to make me attracted to him. No personality or qualities that would attract me.

 

Do I stay knowing he'll eventually go back to the way he was then can tell him i'm out and leave without feeling so guilty? Do I leave and be the bad guy for leaving him after he changed and hurting our son telling him great you changed but it's too late? Do I stay and tell him I'm here but I'll never love you so don't ask me to?

And one more thing....if I DID try to leave it would be the worlds biggest drama show. He WILL most definately beg, plead, cry, get angry, etc etc. I think that's the main reason why I'm still here. If i could walk out today and never speak to or see him again i would do it in a heartbeat. And I know I'd feel a huge weight lifted. But I know that i'm going to take a big ol ride on the guilt train again.

 

Edited July 24, 2011 by Leann67

[YellowShark]

Do I stay knowing he'll eventually go back to the way he was then can tell him i'm out and leave without feeling so guilty? Do I leave and be the bad guy for leaving him after he changed and hurting our son telling him great you changed but it's too late? Do I stay and tell him I'm here but I'll never love you so don't ask me to?

 

 

Follow your heart. But to an outsider, such as myself, it sounds like so much damage has been done that maybe it's time to try a separation. See how that goes for a while.

 

I know all about codependency and sometimes you have to realize you simply can't change someone else, only yourself. Also sounds like you find his temper and abusive behavior too much - and it's teaching the kids the wrong lesson - so I would say maybe after 18 years of abuse a break is called for. And it's impossible that you are always the cause of his anger, that's just his way of not taking ownership for it. Like a 5-year-old. He sounds like he really needs some help.

 

Anyhow, bottom line is I can't tell you what to do, just follow your heart and maybe separate.. to give you a break from walking on eggshells. See if that changes the dynamic.

 

(ETA)

 

And one more thing....if I DID try to leave it would be the worlds biggest drama show. He WILL most definately beg, plead, cry, get angry, etc etc. I think that's the main reason why I'm still here. If i could walk out today and never speak to or see him again i would do it in a heartbeat. And I know I'd feel a huge weight lifted. But I know that i'm going to take a big ol ride on the guilt train again.

 

How he deals with his problems should not be a barrier for you to evolve into a new abuse-free life.

 

best of luck.

Edited July 24, 2011 by YellowShark

[Leann67]

I think he knows that if i get out, i won't look back. We have no friends yet he knows I'm a social bug. I've never wanted anyone over due to imbarressment. Me and his son are all he has. Like his dad. His dad would be perfectly happy if the world only had the 2 of them in it. He really will feel like his whole world is being ripped and torn. I'll loose his parents too. He told me awhile back that if i ever did leave him he wouldn't just lie there and take it. He'd make sure his parents knew what I did even though he knows darned good and well that I was using those as an "escape" from my miserable marriage. I've told him so many times i don't blame him i blame me. I took them. But his behavior towards me caused me so much grief that was a way to feel better. His parents have been my own for 18years. I love them so much. But I know them and his dad well enough to know that they will feel I did bad to him and our son. they think he's a king and can do no wrong. They've always given him anything he wanted.

 

Speaking of.... I recentlyl found out why my husband is the way he is towards women. If someone has the tinest bit of fat on them he calls them fat. I recently gained a little weight. I've always been skinny i just went from 102 to 116. I love it and think i look much more healthy. So much better but of course he keeps telling me i have saddle bags and need to fix it. Not gonna! lol He wants nothing less than porn sex in the bedroom and gets upset if he doesn't get otherwise. I recently learned that his mother got him a subscription to PENTHOUSE at age 13!!! omgosh! I still can't believe it. She is such a sweet nice kind woman. A retired librarian that never gets upset about anything. She says "well, we figured he was old enough to learn what it's all about". I'm still floored over that one.

 

But anyhow, I don't think i can handle what will come if i try to leave. It's going to be so horrible. He won't get physical I know that for fact. But he's not gonna let me go. and if i do get away he will be not sleeping eating, begging me then on a mission to prove to me he can be better. Where does this kindof strength come from? I have no family. I learned a long time ago that it was best for me to cut all contact from all my family and i believe i'm healthier without them in my life. I have no friends except my work. I could make some. I'm a hyper bubbly optimistic down to earth person. Very social. But still... where does the strength and courage come from. How

 

(ps. i just saw the second half of your post about how he feels after i'd already posted this response)

[YellowShark]

...He really will feel like his whole world is being ripped and torn.

 

What about your world? Are you saying his world trumps your world? That sounds like codependency.

 

I'll loose his parents too. He told me awhile back that if i ever did leave him he wouldn't just lie there and take it. He'd make sure his parents knew what I did even though he knows darned good and well that I was using those as an "escape" from my miserable marriage.

 

Does that sound like love to you?

 

His parents have been my own for 18years. I love them so much. But I know them and his dad well enough to know that they will feel I did bad to him and our son. they think he's a king and can do no wrong. They've always given him anything he wanted.

 

You existed just fine before you knew his parents, and you'll exist just fine if they chose to take their sons side.

 

Speaking of.... I recentlyl found out why my husband is the way he is towards women. If someone has the tinest bit of fat on them he calls them fat. I recently gained a little weight. I've always been skinny i just went from 102 to 116. I love it and think i look much more healthy. So much better but of course he keeps telling me i have saddle bags and need to fix it.

 

Once again, does that sound like love to you? He sounds very petty and cruel.

 

He wants nothing less than porn sex in the bedroom and gets upset if he doesn't get otherwise.

 

Well after calling you fat, with saddlebags, do you really think he's entitled to "porn sex" from you? Too bad if he has a temper tantrum, ignore it.

 

I don't think i can handle what will come if i try to leave. It's going to be so horrible.

 

Ya, for a bit it will be horrible. Then within a few weeks you'll come home every day and not be yelled at, told your fat, or have to deal with living with a verbally abusive addict.

 

He won't get physical I know that for fact. But he's not gonna let me go. and if i do get away he will be not sleeping eating, begging me then on a mission to prove to me he can be better.

 

From what you wrote hasn't he done this before? And you caved in. Then he returned to business as usual. You gonna fall for that again?

 

I have no family. I learned a long time ago that it was best for me to cut all contact from all my family and i believe i'm healthier without them in my life. I have no friends except my work. I could make some. I'm a hyper bubbly optimistic down to earth person. Very social.

 

You survived before you knew this man and you'll survive perfectly fine after him. You'll also make new friends, and maybe even find a better man down the road. Who knows? Not telling you what to do, but you already know what it's like to stay, you've had 18 years of it, just saying the world really won't end for you if you decide to leave.

 

Make an appointment, talk to a therapist, bounce your ideas off them before you make any ultimate decisions. Can't hurt.