Don't know where to start with my new lifestyle changes...

[antinko]

Ok, after being recently dumped by my girlfriend, I know the answer is to keep busy and start enjoying myself more.

 

I'm already going to the gym a lot (on a program I can sustain) and I'm seeing great results, but I need to just kick start the life I want for myself.

 

I've already achieved great things, but I want to accelerate progress now. I need to go on more holidays, do more activities and I really, really want to move out of my parents' house and into my own place - this last one being a more long term goal because house prices in the UK are ridiculous!

 

Background: I'm a 25 year old teacher of English and I'm very caring, but I know I don't recognise the confidence I should have sometimes and, unfortunately, I sometimes over compensate and look a bit arrogant or foolish. I think I care too much about how people perceive me, but it's part of the job and my ex, without intending to, has made me feel somewhat insignificant. I know that this interpretation is my own problem - she doesn't feel I am insignificant, but I put too much emphasis on my self worth being dependent on what she thought of me. I know I have some co-dependent traits, but I would not label myself as a co-dependent.

 

The reason why I'm writing here is due to the following: I recognise, desire to and will engage in more activities and try enriching my character; however, I don't know where to start...

 

I have absolutely no idea where or how I'm going to meet new people and sustain relationships, nor do I know how I'm going to keep consistently busy. I just need to do things or I fear I'll fall into a rut.

 

Well, I am already in a rut, but I don't want it to get any worse. I want my mind off my ex and, even if I never got back with her again, I'd like to think that, at least if she saw me in future, she'd see what she'd missed out on.

 

Argh, there I am again caring about what she thinks. This is frustrating. I ultimately need to do these things so I can recognise my own self worth.

 

I think the problem is that I worked so conscientiously at school, then university, then teacher training and in my job, that I've drilled the idea that having others telling me I'm doing a good job is the most important thing, but I rarely tell myself I'm doing a good job, or if I do, I find it hard to believe...

 

And worse, if I do 'believe' it, I hyper-inflate the achievement to myself and sometimes come across as a bit arrogant. I think it's because my life is a bit boring at the moment. I've just worked and worked, and I feel terrible because I know the work is what pushed my ex away a bit...although she had a lot of work too.

 

I need to convince myself I am good enough as me. After my last relationship, I simply refuse to be in a situation where I'm not secure in myself properly before going into a new relationship. Same goes for future partners as well.

 

Anyway, back to the point: I think I just need some advice, some ideas and maybe a bit of common sense shared with me. I know that what I'm going through is common, that everyone experiences rejection at some points in their life, but I'm just trying to do something about it.

 

Thanks.

Edited July 24, 2011 by antinko

[Badenov]

Just start with the basics: Be a good person.

 

Help that old lady across the street. Get that neighbor's cat out of the tree. Help that lost, crying kid in the grocery store find his mom.

 

It may sound corny, but it works. Instead of trying to do things that make others think you're a great guy, do the kind of things that make you think you're a great guy. Don't look for any credit--it fact, you should shun it: Donate anonomously to a cause you care about. Or volunteer for a charity & don't tell anyone. (It's also a great way to get out of a rut & meet new people)

 

There are no shortcuts. It takes time to build self-esteem. What you've been trying to do is build your EGO. Not the same thing. Once you feel good about yourself through your daily actions, it reflects in your attitude. People pick up on it & treat you as such, turning a negative cycle into a positive one.

 

Just try it. Let me know if it works for you.

[JillMagso]

Though it may not seem like it now, it can actually be really amazing to have time to yourself. For personal self development, on the most basic level, I would suggest positive thinking. It goes along with not needing validation from others to believe that you are doing a good job. For some, it can sound small but can be very, very effective. Don't ever think that you "aren't good enough." Focus on things that are going really well in your life and more will go your way.

 

Check out this article that has tips to help your postive thinking can be found here:

http://www.silvalifesystem.com/articles/positive-thinking/positive-thinking-techniques/

 

The article discusses how it can be as simple as taking care of yourself, surrounding yourself with positive energy, spot-checking your attitude, and using positive self-talk.

[niccon]

 

Background: I'm a 25 year old teacher of English and I'm very caring, but I know I don't recognise the confidence I should have sometimes and, unfortunately, I sometimes over compensate and look a bit arrogant or foolish. I think I care too much about how people perceive me, but it's part of the job and my ex, without intending to, has made me feel somewhat insignificant. I know that this interpretation is my own problem - she doesn't feel I am insignificant, but I put too much emphasis on my self worth being dependent on what she thought of me. I know I have some co-dependent traits, but I would not label myself as a co-dependent.

 

The reason why I'm writing here is due to the following: I recognise, desire to and will engage in more activities and try enriching my character; however, I don't know where to start...

 

I have absolutely no idea where or how I'm going to meet new people and sustain relationships, nor do I know how I'm going to keep consistently busy. I just need to do things or I fear I'll fall into a rut.

 

 

Thanks.

 

Hi,

I think you have to reprogram your mistakes in order to eliminate the negatives you mention in your post(I'll fall into a rut, dont recognize the confidence, a bit arrogant,etc.) are all expressing negativity.

 

1. relax,take a deep breath and close your eyes

2. practice relaxation for a few minutes-find manuals or books that instruct how to do it.

3.Think of an example here - someone who is relaxed in his skin and who gets women like he's born to do it. Think of James Bond or Indiana Jones or any other similar actor.

4. Put your example in his own movie. Watch him moving throughout his day. Notice how he carries himself, what he thinks, how he moves, what he says.Now imagine that you rise out of your body and enter into the body of this person. Run the movie again, and notice how you carry yourself, what you think, how you move, what you say. After you are satisfied that you can BECOME your example, relax and count from one to five, saying “Now I will count from one to five saying “Now I will count from one to five, and when I open my eyes I will feel much better than I ever have before… 1… 2… 3… 4…5.” Open your eyes and write down your experiences from within your created realities. This is NOT about losing yourself and becoming someone else. This is about figuring out the SKILLS of this other guy, and making them work for YOU and YOUR personality. There are thousands of ways up a mountain, and you’ve gotta figure out which one is right for YOU. But watching how someone else does it can only help. Think of it like learning all about carabiners and ropes and knots before you go climbing. Sure, you’re going to pick your own route – but watching someone else do it right can only help.

So practice,practice,practice this. Take it to the streets and practice with real people what you’ve practiced with imaginary ones.Don’t see your mistakes as failures, but as learning experiences.

 

Regards

Edited August 2, 2011 by niccon

[FitChick]

See my signature? Google that and somewhere on the website is a free demo. Very helpful and you should have an "ah ha!" moment that will totally change your perspective. What you believe about yourself is stopping you from being your true Self.

 

Why do you think the only choices you have are living with your parents (such a turn on when dating a guy ) or buying a house? Why not rent a nice flat where you will have your own space or, at the very least, rent a house with other business professionals and you will expand your contacts through them.

[quankanne]

stop obsessing about what you are or are not (not being critical, we're all guilty of doing this), and focus outwardly. Badenov's suggestion to start simply by being a good person is a wonderful suggestion ... I'd add to that, volunteer yourself for projects or organizations. Believe me, just by giving a little bit of yourself to someone who needs your particular skills, you feel better about what's going on because you realize that in your own small way, you're making a difference. And that, my friend, has a very wide ripple effect in your life.

 

volunteering also helps solves the problem of meeting people and staying busy. Best of all, because you enjoy what you're doing, it becomes more of a fun thing than anything else. And soon, you stop thinking so much about what you can or can't do, but discover just how important your role in life is, not matter how small!

[antinko]

I wrote my original post in a very negative state of mind whilst I wallowed in grief over my ex.

 

I've made the choice to remain at home for now. I pay rent, cook most of the meals and do my fair share of chores. I iron like a pro by the way. The main draw back is the compromise of privacy; however, the choice to remain here makes sense to me in the long run. As I am still grieving my ex (I'm getting there, though), I don't wish to be in a relationship right now and certainly aren't 'looking' - if a nice girl turns up in the mean time, fair enough, but I have personal goals which come first.

 

I'm not going to rent. Most of my friends did it and they now have no chance of saving for a house deposit any time soon. The cost to rent is very high in this country, mortgage companies expect around 15% for house deposits and house prices are still quite high.

 

I will be, however, a first time buyer and the government is offering this 'first buy' scheme where they can help you get into your own home with a 5% deposit which is far more realistic for me as an individual. I was actually going to do this very soon with my ex, but that didn't work out because she decided to scamper off.

 

Anyway, I'll be able to move out within the next year (probably six months) and I look forward to it. I want my own place and, if I am on my own, I'll rent out a room - someone else can pay money towards my mortgage; I'm not doing it for someone else!

 

I'm good with finances and I have my step father to thank for instilling those skills within me. I have no student debts; my credit card was recently paid off and I just finished paying for my car so I'm quite pleased in those areas as I settled them myself. I'm just paying money into my ISA and will have money for a deposit by January, with extra to spare on furniture etc. I know some people are comfortable carrying around debt, and I know I'll accumulate some debt in the future, but the less I can generate, the better. I like to think that my future wife will be glad to have a husband who is good with finances.

 

So I'm pretty much on the right track in terms of housing and money.

 

In terms of 'me', I've really started to accept that I don't have to live by other people's expectations or standards: my own standards are fine as they are and I've succeeded by following them.

 

I am happy with myself for remaining productive during this break up. My ex, as much as she was incompatible with me, was dearly loved, but that's the past now. I've continued to go to the gym, eaten well, have signed up for volunteer work and joined a local social group which organises events and adventure activities. I have four events planned for this month including kayaking which I've always wanted to do.

 

I've volunteered to teach literacy to adults with specific learning difficulties or who have English as a second/new language. One of my less known skills is that I'm highly experienced in teaching students at my school with specific learning difficulties and EAL (English as an Additional Language) so I can use these skills with adults - I just have to adapt some of the content so it doesn't seem patronizing!

 

I've also realised that I'm not the 'finished' article yet, and I'll never be. I'll continue to learn and grow and the only mistake I can make is to become complacent and think that "I've made it". I'll admit that, at the beginning of my career, I thought I had it sussed very early on (a reason why I seemed a bit arrogant at times), but actually it was just a coping mechanism because I was finding it so hard. That stage was necessary, though, and I've learned from it. I also recognise it in a lot of newly qualified teachers I've met this year so I think it must just be a stage of entering the job.

 

I'm allowing myself to find things difficult now and I ask for assistance if necessary, if I can't overcome a problem entirely independently. When I was at school and university, I did have this crazy idea that I had to solve everything, just me, no help. It's somewhat self defeating to be proud and ignorant, though.

 

And this brings me to my final point: I've had a lot to contend with over the past couple of years but they were all excellent learning opportunities and have made me stronger for the future. I hold some regrets that my focus on my work, and the stresses I encountered, may have contributed towards the collapse of my relationship, but, ultimately, these challenges had to be overcome for my benefit. If I hadn't faced and surmounted them, then I wouldn't be who I am now and I would have compromised my progression. I didn't make that compromise and now I know that certain aspects of life will be easier in the future: I am now far more settled in my job; equipped to help newcomers into the profession because I can identify with what they're going through and give support; I know my confidence is a lot higher despite taking somewhat of a knock and, as a result, I can put more focus on other things which I may have neglected over the past few years.

 

All I have to do is maintain my integrity, continue to be a gentleman, work hard, stay fit and healthy, and enrich my life by doing interesting things. I've got a direction and I'm happy with it.

Edited August 2, 2011 by antinko

[Zaphod B]

Hi,

I think you have to reprogram your mistakes in order to eliminate the negatives you mention in your post(I'll fall into a rut, dont recognize the confidence, a bit arrogant,etc.) are all expressing negativity.

 

1. relax,take a deep breath and close your eyes

2. practice relaxation for a few minutes-find manuals or books that instruct how to do it.

3.Think of an example here - someone who is relaxed in his skin and who gets women like he's born to do it. Think of James Bond or Indiana Jones or any other similar actor.

4. Put your example in his own movie. Watch him moving throughout his day. Notice how he carries himself, what he thinks, how he moves, what he says.Now imagine that you rise out of your body and enter into the body of this person. Run the movie again, and notice how you carry yourself, what you think, how you move, what you say. After you are satisfied that you can BECOME your example, relax and count from one to five, saying “Now I will count from one to five saying “Now I will count from one to five, and when I open my eyes I will feel much better than I ever have before… 1… 2… 3… 4…5.” Open your eyes and write down your experiences from within your created realities. This is NOT about losing yourself and becoming someone else. This is about figuring out the SKILLS of this other guy, and making them work for YOU and YOUR personality. There are thousands of ways up a mountain, and you’ve gotta figure out which one is right for YOU. But watching how someone else does it can only help. Think of it like learning all about carabiners and ropes and knots before you go climbing. Sure, you’re going to pick your own route – but watching someone else do it right can only help.

So practice,practice,practice this. Take it to the streets and practice with real people what you’ve practiced with imaginary ones.Don’t see your mistakes as failures, but as learning experiences.

 

Regards

 

Wow, this really inspired me this did. I'm a writer and have been writing about a particular character for years. He's an extention of myself, with my views and all that, but he's a lot cooler, a lot better looking, a lot more charming and has way more sex appeal. The guy I'd like to be. Put some of my books on a website for critiquing and the females who read the book loved him. After reading what you wrote here, I figured hey this guy is really just me, but embellished, so why can't I do what you're saying and carry myself as if I were that character... after all he is simply an extention of myself.

 

Ok, I didn't do the meditation stuff, but come time to go out for lunch time sports, I headed out thinking to myself, Yes, I AM this guy. As I was heading out I came across the hot blonde receptionist who hasn't even so much as glanced at me when she wasn't on the reception desk. As she passed by, she smiled and said hello. Coincedence? Ha ha. Yeah, probably but it did make it seem like it was working. Will have to keep it up and see what other results I get.

Edited August 4, 2011 by Zaphod B