redflag Posted July 24, 2011 Posted July 24, 2011 how do i deal with the fact im missing the person i wish my ex was? im suffering the thing where you only remember the good bits and form an ideasitic view of what the relationship could have been rather than what it was. its so frustrating cos i know my ex girlfriend couldn't be anything except what she was and my head tells me things with her could never have been what we both wanted but still i wanna scream at her at times (i wont tho, i wont even call her) cos i felt she was such a childish argumentative person and that ruined it all. other times i think maybe she really wasn't meaning to be and had genuine reasons to be mad. im not perfect but i did my best (too much at times imo) but im still plagued by what ifs. im finding letting go of the past hard cos i refuse to believe a 29 yr old woman couldnt just grow up a bit and this thought keeps me stuck in the past thinking maybe she will. i know i should move on but i just cant get these thoughts out of my mind. any advice appreciated. cheers.
smudge21 Posted July 24, 2011 Posted July 24, 2011 Sorry, wish I had a good reply but your post is exactly how myself and countless others feel at times like this. The what ifs, the rose tinted glasses, the fact our exs are not the person we fell in love with... yep, been there many times. Sadly this is part of the healing stage, when our head and heart are in battle with each other, neither refusing to back down. The only thing we can do is help one of them win, either by looking for info on the ex and remembering good times, like the heart wants; or sticking to NC and realising the truth, like your head needs. I always remember a line I read when I first joined here. It was: I don't miss her, I miss the person I thought she was. I think that rings true in this case too. Just try to stay strong. Eventually these feelings pass and you'll no longer feel this way. You can't force the feelings out though, they just go with time.
Author redflag Posted July 24, 2011 Author Posted July 24, 2011 cheers for reply, yeah i get what you say bout the head and heart in conflict. on days when im good and the head is winning i think it boils down to this, i think why i get these feelings is cos tho we broke mutually my only reason for the break was the arguements so i get the 'what if she just grew up' thoughts. i put it down to her insecurities, when we got together we both had problems but as i sorted mine my love for her was based on mutual affection whereas she never really got over the insecurities so her love was based upon having needs met to 'prove' she was loved. being secure i cud take the fact our relationship wasnt perfect but to her i could do ten things right and one wrong and shed be pissed! it got to point where i think she felt i 'let her down a lot' as a result whereas my only problem was that she grew up and stopped expecting perfection. so i guess the what ifs stem from the fact that i feel she only needed to do this one thing. does this ring true with your situation?
smudge21 Posted July 24, 2011 Posted July 24, 2011 Every situation is different. I have met insecure people and I do think my most recent ex has some similar issues. We too had a mutual break-up (we're at a distant friends sort of thing now which is nice as that's what she started off as). I think you need to think less about her and what her issues were and more about you and what you want to do now. Like everyone else, you have so many questions but no answers, and sadly you may never find those answers. All you can do is try to focus on healing and preparing yourself for the next challenge that will come along. Your ex had issues which you recognise. I bet you hoped you could help her, save her, anything to make things better. Sadly we can only help those who want our help. Sometimes you have to let go and move on.
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