HappinessSeeker Posted July 24, 2011 Posted July 24, 2011 Hi Everyone I'm feeling so down lately. This past 2 months have been so hard for me. It seems like I keep getting smacked in the face. It started with me trying to go completely NC with MM. It wasn't as easy as I thought it would be. He continued to contact me, a week would go by and I would think "Good he finally gets it and he wont call me" and then I'd get a phone call. Then 2 weeks would go by and I would think the same thing and he would call. So just when I would think I can finally move on, he would pop back up. Even though I would take his calls, I never caved when he asked to see me, that's the only good thing I did. Then I had to go to the hospital for outpatient surgery (I didn't tell MM). I was stuck in bed for 4 days. It was awful. I kept reflecting on everything. I don't think I've cried so much in a 4 day span. It gave me a lot of time to reflect on the other people in my life (Not just MM, but everyone). A week later, I ran into my first love (I'll call him E.S.)and his WIFE at a charity event I was working. I was at this event ALONE, and I almost lost it. He looked so happy, everyone there did, and I was so unhappy. Not a good night for me. After that MM texts me again, trying to find out where I was so he could "run into me", but I refused to tell him. I'm not sure if it was because it was via text that I had more courage, but I did it. I told him I didn't want to see him again. and he said "no worries, take care" My 35th Birthday was 2 weeks later and it was the worst birthday I have ever had. I felt so alone and miserable. So It's been exactly 4 weeks since that message. This 4th week has been so excruciating. Every little thing reminds me of him. I'm so angry I let him in my life so much. Things that were mine I included him in and now everytime I see or hear things, I think about him, it's so difficult. So the big knockout occured over this weekend. I ran into E.S on Friday and Saturday, and it spurned another crying fest. I see myself becoming bitter. I frown when I see couples. I hate being around kids (I didn't really like kids before this, but my dislike has increased big time) I get annoyed when people start talking to me about their kids or their significant others. An associate of mine just told me she is pregnant again (2nd child) and I couldn't be happy for her (Actually I think her husband is cheating on her). I really can't be happy for anyone, when I am so unhappy (I know that sounds horrible, but that's how I feel) I think this has scarred me beyond repair. I can't see myself trusting another man again, I'm just feeling so hopeless...
jj33 Posted July 24, 2011 Posted July 24, 2011 You are still in the early stages. Its going to take some time to get over this. Not seeing him doesnt mean your feelings will disappear overnight. In that way, its like any other break up except that usually when you break up with someone one of you doesnt care anymore. What makes this so difficult is that you still care, but he cant give you waht he wants and he still cares but hes not willing to give you what you want or leave you alone. There is also probably some part of you that wants hiim to keep trying because it reinforces that this wasnt nothing. It didnt end the way you wanted it to, but he really does miss you. Thats nice but its not enough. Meaningless really other than for the sake of your ego. As BB said its not NC if you are still in contact. Its limited contact and its painful. You never get that distance that allows you to just move on. When he contacts you, dont answer. If you dont have any other reason to be in touch but for the A you can block him. Its not easy. not easy at all. But its no different than any other break up in that way. You miss someone until one morning you wake up and realise you didnt think about them the day before. What is the significane of running into your first love? Anyway its not easy but if you really want this to end you need to keep your discipline and just keep ignoring him. What would you get by going back? Nothing different. If he had "news" like I left my wife and I wanted to tell you so we could be together, he would find a way to be in touch. And beleieve me I know. Many many times xMM contacted me for years after. I remember once he said he had to see me and we met in a public place, he started telling me about his finances etc and guess what 18 monts later he is still married. Another time he contacted me while I was on vacation he called and said he had something important to discuss with me. I thought he had "news" but it wasnt anything he couldnt have said in an email. Not all situations end like mine did (with the MP contacting you for years and years after the A has ended) but its all meaningless unless you are getting what you want out of the relationship. The rest is just ego as much as it hurts. Hang in there
alexandria35 Posted July 24, 2011 Posted July 24, 2011 I wouldn't be too worried about becoming bitter. Anger and bitterness is a normal phase of recovering from a break up. Try to keep in mind that life is always challenging for everyone. Your problems are magnified right now because you are going through the pain of seperation so every problem you have on top of that just seems to reinforce that your life sucks more than anyone elses. Of course this isn't true. My worst break up ever happned just before my fortieth birthday. Within a few weeks of the breakup I was hit hard with financial problems and I discovered that I had some minor medical problems too. Oh I was a miserable bitch for a while..lol. It passed and after some months I found my good humor returning. Don't give up. You will come out on the other side and be happy again. I believe staying in a relationship that leaves you yearning for more is more likely to cause bitterness.
JackTar Posted July 24, 2011 Posted July 24, 2011 (edited) Running into your first love can mess with you like none other. I just found out yesterday that mine is moving to Florida, and let me tell you, it has drug up some serious baggage I'd pretty well forgot was there... I think first loves are kind of a permanent part of you. I believe that our first loves exist (at least in our hearts) as a representation of that early hope and untainted version of love that can only truly exist before we have the experience to know the reality of what love is, eternally persisting in memory. JackTar Edited July 24, 2011 by JackTar
Gentlegirl Posted July 24, 2011 Posted July 24, 2011 Good Morning, YOu have done so well NOT to cave in but you need to block any possible means of him contacting you. I sitll go through days of bitterness and anger after 7 months NC. Grieving for somebody isn't a linear process. Accepting that you will not see them or hear from them again is the hardest thing I have had to do. XMM invaded my whole world... hobbies, social activites etc. NOW they are his. I have been the one to leave my old life behind and he has the social groups and hobbies I used to have. I asked him leave it all but he point blank refused which I thought was absolutely selfish of him, as he has a wife and a large family and is part of a community . He didn't need to take my interests away from me, but chose to. A thorn in my side on one hadn but it has opened up new opportunities for me. Thinking of you, Gentlegirl
fooled once Posted July 25, 2011 Posted July 25, 2011 You are still in the early stages. Its going to take some time to get over this. Not seeing him doesnt mean your feelings will disappear overnight. In that way, its like any other break up except that usually when you break up with someone one of you doesnt care anymore. What makes this so difficult is that you still care, but he cant give you waht he wants and he still cares but hes not willing to give you what you want or leave you alone. There is also probably some part of you that wants hiim to keep trying because it reinforces that this wasnt nothing. It didnt end the way you wanted it to, but he really does miss you. Thats nice but its not enough. Meaningless really other than for the sake of your ego. As BB said its not NC if you are still in contact. Its limited contact and its painful. You never get that distance that allows you to just move on. When he contacts you, dont answer. If you dont have any other reason to be in touch but for the A you can block him. Its not easy. not easy at all. But its no different than any other break up in that way. You miss someone until one morning you wake up and realise you didnt think about them the day before. What is the significane of running into your first love? Anyway its not easy but if you really want this to end you need to keep your discipline and just keep ignoring him. What would you get by going back? Nothing different. If he had "news" like I left my wife and I wanted to tell you so we could be together, he would find a way to be in touch. And beleieve me I know. Many many times xMM contacted me for years after. I remember once he said he had to see me and we met in a public place, he started telling me about his finances etc and guess what 18 monts later he is still married. Another time he contacted me while I was on vacation he called and said he had something important to discuss with me. I thought he had "news" but it wasnt anything he couldnt have said in an email. Not all situations end like mine did (with the MP contacting you for years and years after the A has ended) but its all meaningless unless you are getting what you want out of the relationship. The rest is just ego as much as it hurts. Hang in there I agree I wouldn't be too worried about becoming bitter. Anger and bitterness is a normal phase of recovering from a break up. Try to keep in mind that life is always challenging for everyone. Your problems are magnified right now because you are going through the pain of seperation so every problem you have on top of that just seems to reinforce that your life sucks more than anyone elses. Of course this isn't true. My worst break up ever happned just before my fortieth birthday. Within a few weeks of the breakup I was hit hard with financial problems and I discovered that I had some minor medical problems too. Oh I was a miserable bitch for a while..lol. It passed and after some months I found my good humor returning. Don't give up. You will come out on the other side and be happy again. I believe staying in a relationship that leaves you yearning for more is more likely to cause bitterness. Ditto!
Author HappinessSeeker Posted July 25, 2011 Author Posted July 25, 2011 Thank you for the responses. The past few months have been so hard for me especially the past 2 weeks. So your wisdom is appreciated BB07: Thank you for the great advice and hug. I did finally tell MM not to contact me anymore ( I had never done this before) and he agreed. Thus it has been a month and he has NOT contacted me and I have not and WILL NOT contact him. However, I won't change my number, not because I hope he can contact me, but it's MY Number I've had it for years and it is also my work phone. I won't allow this dumb mistake to inconvenience me any more than it already has. If he does decide to contact me I WILL NOT answer or respond. The hardest part was getting the courage to actually tell him to stop. I guess because I knew that when I did, he actually would. JJ: You are right on when you wrote: "There is also probably some part of you that wants hiim to keep trying because it reinforces that this wasnt nothing" I know that was why I couldn't tell him before to stop contacting me because I knew that he would and it would be evident that it WAS nothing. It still hurts me to finally admit that, but I know that's the only way I can get out of the fog and move on. As far as my first love, He was the first and only guy who truly loved me for me. He was someone that was so right for me, but because I had been so used to being treated like crap, I didn't see what a great guy he was until it was too late. So everytime I see him I have to be reminded of the one I let get away. A35: Thank you! I really hope your right that these negative feelings will pass. GG: The constant memories are the worst for me. Luckily the probability of us running into each other is low, but when a certain song comes on or a TV Show, going to a favorite restaurant, or my favorite spa, brings it all back, and I hate it. Thank you for your support and encouragement. Thank you FooledOnce!
fooled once Posted July 26, 2011 Posted July 26, 2011 take each day one at a time. You have to grieve the loss and you also need to grieve the loss of your first love. You should look back on your first love as a sweet memory; not a cause of pain. Slowly, each day, the pain will lesson. It WILL get better, I promise. Good luck!
Author HappinessSeeker Posted July 27, 2011 Author Posted July 27, 2011 Thanks Again Fooled Once! I really hope that you're right because it sure doesn't feel that the pain will ever go away...
fooled once Posted July 28, 2011 Posted July 28, 2011 I do understand ... the pain can be all consuming But it WILL go away, little by little. Don't focus on it. Limit yourself to 15 minutes a day to where you think about it, go over it in your head, etc. Maybe if you wrote him a letter - BUT DO NOT SEND IT - but it will get your feelings out of you. The next day, read it again and see if you want to change anything or add anything. Put it away. In a few days, take it out and review it. Before you know it, it will all seem so unimportant. Focus on YOU. Focus on doing things YOU want to do - hobby, trip, etc. Remember there is LIFE out there for you to live. My family just remembered what would have been the 5th birthday of my niece who died - she only was with us for 3 years. Go live for her. Go celebrate life and embrace what is around you for her. Make this YOUR life and go grab it with both hands! (hugs)
Author HappinessSeeker Posted July 29, 2011 Author Posted July 29, 2011 Fooled Once: I tried your idea and wrote him a letter and it did make me feel a little better, not much, but a little. It definitely made me remember some not so great things about him WiserNow: Glad to hear that your doing better, and that's great that your in that place in 2 months. I can't even imagine that, but I'm hopeful Thank you all again for the advice, it really helps because I have no one else to talk to about this
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