Turning into a stalker.....oh dear

[jofa83]

Hi all

 

Well, my LDR and I split up last week after 6 months. The reason being was that he couldnt handle the distance, especially now that Ive started to do modelling and he hates the attention Ive been getting. Hes about to be deployed overseas for 6 months and just doesnt see the point in us carrying on.

 

The thing is, I cant let go. I cant leave him alone and Im still texting him all the time, begging him to change his mind. He has stopped responding to me completely. Our last conversation on the phone the other night he asked why I wanted to be with him he couldt understand why I would want to be with someone I never saw if I was getting all this other male attention. He said he wanted to be with me and he still liked me but he just couldnt. He does not think he is good enough for me, which is ridiculous. Ive even told him I would quit modelling for him. And then the other problem is never seeing each other. But he doesnt realise that for the last 5 months I didnt see him but I was still besotted with him and loved getting emails and texts from him. Nobody I met even came close. If I try and tell him this he just doesnt listen.

 

I dont understand it. 2 weeks ago we were fine, even arranging a holiday for when he comes back from abroad. Now nothing. I feel so lonely and sad. I feel desperate, to the point where I began to text him from another number pretending to be a friend of mine to find out what he was really feeling. I know that this is deceiving but Im just at my wits end trying to keep him from leaving.

 

Now Im being told to go no contact which I will just find impossible because texting him has become like an addiction to me. What can I do? Im just desperate.

[fauxleather]

You have to understand the simple concept of the more you pull him, the more he will push you away. Right now the short-term mindset you should adopt is that if you still want to salvage this relationship, you would have to stop pulling him in. And that basically means, NC and no cyber-stalking either. You have to start deleting his number from your phone or something so that there is absolutely no way you can contact him.

 

However, the proper long-term mindset to adopt would be to maintain NC for YOUR OWN GOOD because you need to start to begin the process of moving on. However, at your current state, I would strongly recommend you adopt the short-term mindset first until you healed up a bit and the addiction wears down.

[spiderowl]

Sorry you're hurting like this, I do know how it feels and don't want to be in that place again myself.

 

It sounds like he has looked at his needs in this situation and he basically needs someone he can spend more time with who is nearby. He was uncomfortable about you doing modelling too. I don't think you've done anything wrong; my feeling is that a combination of factors has made him realise that he needs a girlfriend he can be with often and in person and that is not possible with you. He probably realised he was trying to control you too much and that it wasn't good for either of you. He'll have come to this conclusion over a period of time, before announcing it to you, and has emotionally withdrawn. Unfortunately, as is always the case, the one left behind is unaware until the break up and is the one left most hurt. If someone is objecting to your career choice, you really have to think very carefully about if they are the right person for you. It sounds like he was being controlling or at least exerting emotional pressure on you.

 

I don't think he'll change his mind now because he's passed through all the separation stages. He may even have got involved with someone else or is getting to know someone else - this can make someone rethink a relationship that they are finding hard to handle (which isn't the same as saying you were dong anything wrong). He had problems dealing with the relationship and he knows what he can and can't handle. I'm afraid he's moved on.

 

No contact may very well help you get over this very painful time. Spend time with friends and family, bend their ears over this, cry lots, write about it, write poetry, any way of expressing how you feel at this loss. It will help in time, though I know it's not what you want to be hearing at the moment. After a break up like this, there is a period we go through where we are trying to figure out why they don't want to be with us. It's a need to make sense of things. Once you have worked through this and made some sense of it (which will happen), you will feel relieved and be able to rest and leave him be. I know it's hard and I feel for you.

Edited July 25, 2011 by spiderowl

[shortee143]

Sorry for your loss- we all know it can just stink! Def stop contacting him, as mentioned, if you incessantly push...they distance themselves more.

 

You aren't abnormal, or a stalker. You just need to learn a little self control during this incredibly hard time. Easier said than done, I know. I know that panicky feeling- I am 5 months out, and every so often I still get it. That nervous, freaked feeling...like "why arent we together, why the hell did we breakup bc he never told me, i miss him, why doesnt he want me, ew he is having sec with someone else, etc". You just need to take a step back...if anything, lay off for awhile. You and him both need time to process it all. Harassing him wont help. You 2 very well may never be together again, but guess what, you will be ok, promise!!

 

It does get better, it really does. In fact, in due time, you will prob regret all this so called "stalker-ish" behavior haha. Right now you are going on what your instincts tell you- but u know what, do the opposite!! At the end of the day, just know you really will be ok. You need to go thru the motions...but you'll get there

[t_i]

 

You aren't abnormal, or a stalker. You just need to learn a little self control during this incredibly hard time. Easier said than done, I know. I know that panicky feeling- I am 5 months out, and every so often I still get it. That nervous, freaked feeling...like "why arent we together, why the hell did we breakup bc he never told me, i miss him, why doesnt he want me, ew he is having sec with someone else, etc". You just need to take a step back...if anything, lay off for awhile.

 

 

.....This is what I do. I'm calling it 'panic mode'. I find coming here and reading brings you to reality and to think 'I'm irreplaceable' / makes you take the advice you give to others. Just think you'll find someone worthy of you that won't let you go and it will be easy

 

And once your gone for good... He'll probably miss you. But you'll be feeling better and more level headed at that point

[radiodarcy]

unfortunately the only thing you can do right now is simply stop texting him. i know it's easier said than done but continuing on the course you're on now doesn't seem to be getting you anywhere other than making you more miserable and anxious.

 

frankly i think the excuse he gave you for you're modelling was lame. and just that -- an excuse. if he had any kind of self-esteem he wouldn't be bothered by it and would trust you to be faithful to him as you've already told him you would be.

 

at any rate, he wouldn't be making it your problem. because the problem lies with him - - not with you. he's insecure and selfish and instead of looking inward and working through his insecurities he's projecting them onto you.

 

by continuing to text him you are giving him all the power and serving to pump his ego even further. don't continue to indulge him anymore. yes, it's going to be extremely difficult to stop contacting him but which hurts worse: being ignored each time you reach out to him or retaining your dignity; moving on with your life becoming stronger as a result?

 

the latter may take time but it will definitely be worth it

[antinko]

I agree with NC. I'm doing it and will keep a blog I think...