Did I screw this up again?

[Stupid Girl]

WHi loveshack, me again (we've been broken up a little over 3 weeks now after a wonderful 5 year relationship, and I believe he's having a quarter-to-mid-life crisis).

 

I was coming up to 2 weeks NIC, when I got a text from my ex while I was at work, "thanks for giving up on us completely". A million things flashed through my head, what he could be talking about (I was mostly afraid he had found out I hung out with another guy), so I called him. He was very upset on the phone, crying and whatnot. I asked him if he wanted to meet to talk about it, and he agreed to meet me after work. I told him he could hang out for a bit, but I had to leave later because I was going out with another friend. He was upset because he had spoken to his mother finally, and she had relayed to him that I asked her to pick up his stuff, and that I have given up on the relationship. He texted me that message right as he got off the phone with her.

 

I never imagined he would be so upset I would be moving on, but as I explained to him, the only way I can live a healthy life is by moving on. This is something I was of course incredibly sad about, but had thought about and accepted. So as I was saying this, I was straight-faced, serious. And he was crying his eyes out. Before, the only thing he was sure of was that he didn't know what he wanted, but he wanted me in his life. Now he said he was sure he didn't want me to move on, and didn't want me to be with anybody else, and therefore he wanted us to be together again. At that point I didn't even dignify that with a response.

 

We ended up going over to my house so he could pick up more clothes (reminder: all of his stuff is at my house/the house we shared before, as he just ran off to live in a hotel, hence why I am NIC and not NC), and we ended up buying a flatbread so we could make pizza too. He asked me if I'd hang out with him tonight rather than my friend, and I told him I would. So we made pizza, watched some TV, and is was really nice and pleasant. (Does this sound familiar? If not, this is almsot exactly what happened a week and a half ago, where we had an amazing night and he said he'd call me soon after, and I didn't hear from him again until that text he sent me up there. And the similarities do not end here.)

 

We ended up going back to him hotel because I have no AC at my house and it was ridiculously hot. By this time, he was saying he wanted us to be together again, that he was so happy when we were rogether and missed me so much when we were apart, that it didn't make sense for us to not be together anymore. I was happy to hear that, of course, but it sounded like a very new revelation he was having, so and I told him so. He has this hotel until Monday, so I told him I'd hang out with him tonight, but for the rest of the weekend he should be alone and think about it more, and if he still feels the same, he can come stay on my couch until he finds his own place (hopefully August). He agreed. We had a really lovely night again (did not sleep together, at my insistence).

 

The next morning we had breakfast at this place he had told me about, then went down to the beach for a bit. Everything was nice for the most part, but he had a few sudden angry episodes, over very small things. For example, I could tell he was getting fristrated at one point, so I asked what was wrong, and he yelled "Maybe if you let me fill the water bottle up!!!" out of nowhere. Which was weird because I never stopped him from filling up the water bottle up. But he realized what he was doing and calmed himself down and apologized after. So I overlooked it. He tells me he's going out with some of out mutual friends tonight and invited me along. I agree. After this, we're walking to the store to buy me a fan. I guess the plan at first was, buy my fan, part ways, then meet again that night and part ways again. Didn't go as plan, of course.

 

He started having one of his fristration fits as we were walking to the store, and I rose my voice at him, and he kind of "lost it" so to speak. In the past, losing it has meant running (literally) away, picking up the nearest object and throwing it into something else, or punching a wall. So I was bracing for the worst. He turned and started to walk away, and all I could think was, no way in hell am I dealing this again. Earlier in the day he had said to me "I'm not running away again. I'm here to stay this time." I'm glad I still insisted he stay in the hotel over the weekend. I was ready to walk away, but I saw him go off the path and stop, lean against a building and bury his head in his hands. Seeing him like that, it made me realize he truly has not fixed himself. No matter how badly he wants us to be togehter, we can't until he is well again. Until he gets over this crisis. So with a lot of difficulty, I told him I was going to walk away, and he nodded his head. And I left.

 

I won't say I didn't look back because I did. Everytime I heard footsteps I imagined it was him coming after me. Unforunately my life is nothing like hollywood, and he did not come after me. I went home and waited for the evening, hoping he'd still call me to hang out (our at least another of our mutual friends). Nothing. So now I wonder if I'm going to hear from him on Monday, or everything is screwed up completely again?

 

On the one hand, I want to blame myself. When he said how badly he wanted to be with me, I was the one saying to be cautious and thinking about it more, how can you be sure so fast? So maybe it was a self-fulfilling prophecy. Maybe the fact that I didn't believe in him made him fail.

 

But on the other hand, wow, did I seriously almost fall for that again? This kid has so much growing up to do, and I deserve so much better.

 

Why does this have to be my first love?

 

I feel like I have to start moving on right from the beginning again

[redflag]

il offer my advice cos i was in the same situation for the last 5 yrs, it sounds like he has massive second thoughts about ending it as do you, you need to be very careful or u will end up in an on off relationship and these are really destructive (trust me!) it gets to the point where "its over" loses its power and you both feel trapped and helpless. you need to have some time to think what you want, can you cope with losing each other for good? can you cope with each other? only you can answer this and you must cos meeting up like this is not fair to either of you. think what you want from him and vice versa and if it can be achieved, if so have one last go and be commited. if not you have to go nc strictly. so i say take time have a think then talk and make a decision once and for all. if you end up in a on off relationship youll wish you had done this, sorry if it sounds harsh but i speak from experience, you live and learn. good luck