Am I Justified?

July 24, 2011

I know, it's long. Just ended it with a man i was seeing for 8 months. NEVER felt like he cared about me. Trying to get it straight in my head that i am doing the right thing. Need your help.

GOOD THINGS ABOUT THE RELATIONSHIP

1: Whenever we had sex, it was mostly good.

2: I enjoyed being with him, having a laugh with him.

3: One time he called me beautiful.

4: So often he would say I was sexy, had a nice body.

5: He always said I was so good at sex, that he would never forget me.

6: The excitement at the thought of seeing him was incredible, so intense.

7: He turned me on like no other man has ever done.

BAD THINGS ABOUT THE RELATIONSHIP

1: He never contacted me while I was in hospital having surgery.

2: He never replied to a text telling him I was feeling sad and guilty about not going to my fathers funeral.

3: He constantly made my insecurities worse by flirting with a girl at work.

4: He called me by her name twice at work one day, said he would call after work, never did, never apologised for doing that.

5: Stopped most contact after we had sex for the second time.

6: 8 months in and he knows nothing about me, and I know nothing about him.

7: Doesn’t really listen to me when we are talking. A lot of times, he would ask a question he had already asked, or would repeat something he had already told me.

8: Always eager to go home. Always got the feeling that he never really wanted to stay after sex…but that he was just waiting for the appropriate time to pass before he could say…shall I go?

9: So many times he told me he would come and never did. Never let me know either. So many times I can’t even count them, but a few stick out in my mind.

10: The day after he called me by her name (twice) and didn’t contact me after work, he called me and we spoke for 45 minutes, with him telling me that he would come that night. He didn’t come, didn’t let me know he wasn’t coming, didn’t contact me at all on Sunday, Monday morning…only when he saw it wasn’t bothering me and I was all happy at work on Monday, did he finally text me at lunchtime, telling me he had bought a car…THAT’S why he didn’t contact me.

11: One particular time, I was SO upset he didn’t come and sent him text after text asking what was happening. He didn’t respond to anything. The next morning, I sent more texts, asking what happened, and then (because I started to get worried), was he ok, please say something. I finally said that I would speak to him at work, and THEN, by some magical coincidence, he replies, saying he has just got back home. We exchange a few texts (2 for him actually)….and then I start asking…whose house did you stay at? Are you seeing someone else? No response to any of these. Not even later.

12: He tells me he is coming, it’s getting late…send him texts, asking him, begging him…please don’t do this to me again…please just let me know what’s happening. No reply. I call his phone, just to see if he is near it…he picks up immediately.

13: After a week of no contact from him, a week in which he has led me to believe that he is considering a decision whether to continue seeing me or not…he tells me he will come and let me know. He doesn’t come. I send text after text, crying my heart out. The next morning (after I ask him if I can call HIM)…he tells me that friends came over and they had a drink and he forgot about me. Later in the car, when I ask him, why didn’t he think when they first came over…I have to let her know…he doesn’t answer.

14: I let him know that I have 3 nights free. On the Saturday, he doesn’t contact me at all. On the Sunday, he calls and we speak and he tells me he will come. He doesn’t come nor does he contact me to tell me that the plans have changed. I send him a text, jokingly saying, looks like you forgot about me again. He doesn’t reply to this. On the Monday, I get no contact from him at all either. Finally, at 7pm, I text him saying that last night was it for me…he doesn’t bother apologizing…just asks…can he come.

15: I ask him, after a particularly hurtful day…please tell me it’s ME you want, not her. He doesn’t reply.

16: After not seeing him for 3 weeks, I have to practically beg him to come over. He comes, no hugs and I have to force him to kiss me.

17: A couple of times, on Saturdays, before he leaves work…I send him texts, telling him I masturbated to thoughts of him, really sexy texts. He doesn’t reply. After one of those times, I text him, letting him know how humiliating that is for me, and that he must not really like me. He doesn’t reply. I only get a call from him the next day AFTER telling him that I am moving on.

18: I realise that in the space of 3 months, he has come around 5 times, and each one of those times has been because I have either said it is over, or that I have made other plans.

19: The only time he has EVER asked me…can I see you tonight?....was when I had suggested we take a break.

20: The previous entry came right before he was due to go away for a few days. At the end of the night, he said he would call me, text me while he was away. I said, it’s ok, enjoy yourself. He said….are you sure? He didn’t contact me at all.

21: When I asked him nicely not to whisper to her in the shop when it was just the three of us there, he blew up and told me not to interfere with his personal life with her. That it was HIS life and it had nothing to do with me.

22: His words NEVER matched up with his actions. Example. He had basically blanked me at work for a week, and even though he was fine with her, he tried to excuse himself by coming around and telling me that he had been feeling ill and had an argument with the boss. Said he would be speaking to him on the Monday, and told me he would let me know what happened. He didn’t.

23: Told me he would let me know the outcome of his test. He didn’t.

24: Told me he would let me know how a job application went. He didn’t.

25: Seemed all excited when I said he could call me at night, any night, and I would come to the car. In the space of 3 weeks, he called me once, and that was the night we spoke about it.

26: During my holidays (3 weeks), he told me he would stay in touch. Barely did. Never asked to see me in the car at all.

27: Never asked to see me at all actually. Was always me asking him. Apart from the one time mentioned in 19.

28: On about the third date, he told me I talked too much. And asked if we could watch porn.

29: After not seeing him for 4 weeks, he (in the middle of sex) tells me I’m not doing it right and asks me if I want to watch porn, there and then, to learn something.

30: On the same date as above, after not seeing me for 4 weeks, he tells me about her and how talented she is.

31: When I made the first attempt to end this, it was partly because he hadn’t contacted me in 6 days. He didn’t contact me after I ended it, nor when I sent nice texts, nor when I sent “It’s still over” texts. All in all, it was 9 days before I heard anything from him. See the next entry to see how that went.

32: He texted me at night and asked could he come. I said, no, why did he want to come anyway? Instead of telling me he missed me, wanted to see me, wanted to be with me….he said….because you said you would always be there for me. During the phone calls that happened that night, he never once said that he missed me, was sorry for stuff he did, that he cared about me, liked me….instead he was angling constantly for answers to…do you still like ME? Do you still want ME?

33: During the next few days after me telling him it was over, he contacted me quite a bit. I was leaving my job too. His main concerns were…was I leaving because of him? Was I going to say anything to the boss about him? Did I still like him? When I said something about that never being an issue, he persisted…but did I still LIKE him? I said, yes. And that now would be a good time for him to tell me he liked me too….he laughed and said…come on, I tell you that so many times. Even though he didn’t.

34: For whatever reason, I told him this could just be about sex. He immediately said…ok. A couple of days later and I called him out on that. THEN he started getting all righteous, saying…no, he didn’t want just sex.

35: I told him, in a heartfelt message, that I really needed him. He replied that I should masturbate.

36: He has NEVER told me he is thinking of me, missing me, wants to be with me, can’t wait to see me.

37: Apart from the actual days I saw him at night and we had sex….practically every day was spent with me questioning whether he liked me or not.

38: When it was me, him and her at work, he never spoke to me unless she was busy. While she was there, behind the dispensary with him, he never said a word to me.

39: His text last night…..wasn’t…..what happened? Are you ok? I’m sorry. No…it was….why are you not picking up the phone? In other words….why are you not asking “how high?” when I am telling you to jump?

40: He made me doubt myself more than anyone has ever done. He made me feel like ****. I never felt that he cared about me, respected me, considered my feelings at all. I told him that I felt ugly and he never corrected me.

41: I asked him when his birthday was. He told me but never asked me when mine was. When we first spoke about birthdays, I had mentioned that mine was in August too….but he never asked me that night….”oh, you said yours was in August too…when exactly?”

42: There were certain emails and texts I wrote that I am sure he never even bothered to read. In one of the emails, (which I split up for his benefit and told him to read them, even if it was one every week…and to which he replied…sure I will)…I told him that my grandfather had tried to sexually abuse me. I know he never read them because he never brought it up.

43: In a series of texts, I had told him that there was something I needed to tell him, but that if I did, there was a chance he would never speak to me again. I ended up not telling him. He never asked what it was. Probably because he never read them.

44: On the day I had the panic attack and was sent home from work, he called me at lunchtime and I never picked up. I texted later that it was a really bad day and that I didn’t feel like talking to anyone. Instead of telling me….that’s ok, hope you’re feeling better….or any other response that I personally would have given…..he never sent any reply at all.

45: He told me that I was the only one who was special to him at work…no-one else. The next day I caught him looking at her arse as he walked out of the stock room. I sent him a jokey text about that and he never bothered replying.

So...am i justified in never wanting to speak to him again? I kind of know the answer, but for some strange reason, i still find myself needing outside validation. He called 4 times last night and i didn't pick up. It wasn't out of revenge...although there WAS part of me that thought....now you know how i felt all those times. I simply am done with him.

I think he will call again today. Do i speak to him, tell him once and for all that it is over? Or do i just ignore him completely?

I love this site and there are some very intelligent people on here. I am asking for your help.

Thank you.

p.s i would just add, that for 8 months, i tried to give him love and affection, tried getting to know him. But he just wasn't interested i guess. I have never tried SO hard to make a relationship work and he just destroyed every feeling i had for him, at every stage.

July 24, 2011

If he calls again, tell him you realize now that your relationship with him was a mistake, and you want more in a relationship than just sex. Tell him it is obvious to you now that you were never more than a **** buddy, and that's not what you want in your life. If he says he can be more than that, don't believe him. He can't be. He has shown that.

July 24, 2011

Thanks for your quick response. I have told him many times that i think all he wanted was sex....he flatly denies it....i wish he would just admit it...it would make things easier....but he doesn't. He even seems to get angry when i say this to him.

The last time i ended it ( 3 days ago), he replied saying...." I also wasn't wrong about you. Face it."

In other words...he is trying to tell me that all I ever wanted was sex. Which he knows is not true. But whatever.

I really don't want to see him anymore. But i know he will call again. Your idea is good. But i know he will deny it till he's blue in the face. If i just never spoke to him again....would that be a bad thing? I feel guilty for not giving him a specific reason, even though i have told him many times what bothers me. I actually said to him once....."so you are not prepared to make any more effort in this?".....and he said..."no"

My reasoning is, is that if he doesn't know by now why i am leaving him....talking to him about it is not going to make the slightest bit of difference.

July 24, 2011

Thanks for your quick response. I have told him many times that i think all he wanted was sex....he flatly denies it....i wish he would just admit it...it would make things easier....but he doesn't. He even seems to get angry when i say this to him.

The last time i ended it ( 3 days ago), he replied saying...." I also wasn't wrong about you. Face it."

In other words...he is trying to tell me that all I ever wanted was sex. Which he knows is not true. But whatever.

I really don't want to see him anymore. But i know he will call again. Your idea is good. But i know he will deny it till he's blue in the face. If i just never spoke to him again....would that be a bad thing? I feel guilty for not giving him a specific reason, even though i have told him many times what bothers me. I actually said to him once....."so you are not prepared to make any more effort in this?".....and he said..."no"

My reasoning is, is that if he doesn't know by now why i am leaving him....talking to him about it is not going to make the slightest bit of difference.

He can deny all he wants, but his actions speak louder than his words. If you don't want to speak to him again, then don't answer his calls. You have nothing to feel guilty about. But I would suggest taking that one last call to tell him point blank why you are breaking up with him. Then don't take his calls after that. He used you and treated you badly. Showed no concern at all for you when you needed him. You don't need that crap in your life. Find someone who can actually care about someone else. This guy can't.

July 24, 2011

He can deny all he wants, but his actions speak louder than his words. If you don't want to speak to him again, then don't answer his calls. You have nothing to feel guilty about. But I would suggest taking that one last call to tell him point blank why you are breaking up with him. Then don't take his calls after that. He used you and treated you badly. Showed no concern at all for you when you needed him. You don't need that crap in your life. Find someone who can actually care about someone else. This guy can't.

Thank you SO much. Why is it, that even when we know we are being treated like crap, we still feel the need for validation from outside sources. Maybe that's just me :-)

Even though i KNOW he doesn't care about me, beyond wanting me to BE there for him....i STILL felt guilty about not answering his calls. You're right. I either ignore him completely.....or i tell him outright why i am ending it. I choose to do the latter.

Thank you. Update later as to how this goes.

July 24, 2011

Ignore him completely.

You've delineated what a horrible "relationship" (if it can even be called that) this is, you have a million horrible things to say about it and him, all of which show that this man values you as nothing more than a warm hole.... You felt like he never cared for you --because he doesn't and never will. But you already know this.

I was confused as to what you wanted help with and was wondering if the "Am I justified" was just a rhetorical question as never have I seen someone list over 50 ways in which some man is a complete D-Bag and then have 5 good things, that really are not magnificent at all.... You surely know the answer already and you asking if you need to explain anything to him is more about you than him. You have "forced" him to kiss you, begged him to talk to you, expressed heartfelt feelings to him in which he told you to screw yourself (literally and figuratively), he's ignored you in times of need, he has emotionally blackmailed you, he has exhibited word class disgusting behavior and 3 million red flags showing he is not someone who cares for you now and who ever will and you have persisted to degrade yourself for the validation of an ass-wipe whom you will never "love" into being the man you need. I have been there and it is not a pretty place, but once you start questioning why you've allowed it to persist and why you have gone to such depths for someone you yourself admit doesn't care for you and is a loser...then progress begins. You should look into that.

There is no need to prolong any type of interaction with him. I would seriously suggest you check out this site called Baggage Reclaim, you may find a lot of the articles there helpful and empowering. The owner of the site has a story similar to yours in fact, about how some assclown, unavailable man she was dating left her in the midst of her panic attack as well... smh. There are plenty of articles on that site that x-ray these types of scenarios and shine the light that much brighter so you can see it for what it is, see why you participate, feel disgusted and leave it be, as well as elevate yourself so that you don't engage such scenarios anymore as NO ONE deserves that.

Again, ignore him. He has ignored you easily, several times, and thought nothing of it apparently. You putting him on permanent ignore, without lengthy explanations and a chance for him to toy with you or negotiate, is one way in which you can be in control and take back at least a little of the power you handed over.

Edited July 24, 2011 by MissBee

July 24, 2011

Thank you. Everything you said.....i knew it already. I, for some reason, just needed to hear it from someone else.

He treated me like crap. I know this. I am over him completely. I feel nothing but indifference towards him.

Thank you.

July 24, 2011

I know, it's long. Just ended it with a man i was seeing for 8 months. NEVER felt like he cared about me. Trying to get it straight in my head that i am doing the right thing. Need your help.

Good for you for ending it. You fell in love with him, wanted a real loving relationship with him, have him as a boyfriend.. but he is married and seems he was only interested in an affair and not let things get serious.

GOOD THINGS ABOUT THE RELATIONSHIP

1: Whenever we had sex, it was mostly good.
2: I enjoyed being with him, having a laugh with him.
3: One time he called me beautiful.
4: So often he would say I was sexy, had a nice body.
5: He always said I was so good at sex, that he would never forget me.
6: The excitement at the thought of seeing him was incredible, so intense.
7: He turned me on like no other man has ever done.

This isn't love though, and it doesn't read as a 'relationship', it reads as an affair..it's lust and all based on sexual desire..Easy for most men to say whatever he needs to say to get a woman into bed and keep her as the OW. Say just enough to give you hope and feel special.

BAD THINGS ABOUT THE RELATIONSHIP

1 to 45.

(too long to list them all)

Do you notice how LONG your "bad" list is compared to the "good list"? when the bad out weighs the good, like your case it's SCREAMING, it's time to walk away.

This guy has no respect for you, he has shown little interest in you, your life, your health, in fact the guy seems like an A-HOLE and because you "think" you love him, or are blinded by sexual lust for him, you let him treat you like crap for 8 months..He got sex out of it and you fell for him and got nothing back other than just good hot sex.

So...am i justified in never wanting to speak to him again? I kind of know the answer, but for some strange reason, i still find myself needing outside validation. He called 4 times last night and i didn't pick up. It wasn't out of revenge...although there WAS part of me that thought....now you know how i felt all those times. I simply am done with him.

I think he will call again today. Do i speak to him, tell him once and for all that it is over? Or do i just ignore him completely?

I love this site and there are some very intelligent people on here. I am asking for your help.

Thank you.

p.s i would just add, that for 8 months, i tried to give him love and affection, tried getting to know him. But he just wasn't interested i guess. I have never tried SO hard to make a relationship work and he just destroyed every feeling i had for him, at every stage.

END IT NOW and never speak to him again. This guy isn't worthy of your love, attention, energy, body, friendship .. He was never a friend to begin with, let alone a 'boyfriend'. It was an affair and that's it.

Sorry you're hurting .. And yes, you ARE justified in ending it and telling him to go F-himself, never to contact you ever again.

Be strong, you can do better..Don't waste many tears on this guy, he ain't worth it!!!

July 24, 2011

You are right...absolutely.

And i thought i felt indifference to him. I thought i was over him, was able to end it without giving him a second thought.

But it hurts SO much.

July 24, 2011

You are absolutely 100% justfied. The important question is the only one you ned to ask and that is why you felt the need for validation from him? Focus on that question and you wil find many of your answers and hopefully won't go down this road again.

July 24, 2011

You are right...absolutely.

And i thought i felt indifference to him. I thought i was over him, was able to end it without giving him a second thought.

But it hurts SO much.

Your pride is sweety that's all. At least you are indifference right?

July 24, 2011

here is all i can say about this post.

1) print out what you wrote to us here and GIVE IT TO HIM. let him read how you see and perceive things . because you are correct. this is one sided. he has no manners and is not treating you like a man who cares about a woman. so therefore, no regrets, to rid yourself of him. i dont care how good the sex is. woman cannot live by sex alone.

2) remember this saying. "advice is something we ask for when we already know the answer and wish we didnt" eric jong. you already know, whats best....

hugs and good luck

: )

July 24, 2011

Okay first of all you definitely definitely need to get rid of this guy. You are justified in never talking to him again but you might need to have one more conversation with him to make him see that you are serious about the break up. In that conversation don't go over your reasons again. You have already told him and to continue to argue with him about it may give him the misguided idea that you are open to being talked back into the relationship. Your goal is to get rid of him not give him hope that he can manipulate you back. Tell him you are completely through with the relationship, you are not open to a discussion about it, you wish him well but you don't want him to contact you ever again. Tell him that if he does not respect your wishes to leave you alone after this phone call you will consider that harrassment and you will enlist legal assistance to put a stop to any further contact. Again do not engage in an argument with him. Definitely do not print out your list and give it to him. Doing that would only be inviting a response from him. Above all, do not be flattered that he is chasing you now. It doesn't mean that he secretly cares about you deep down and he just realized it. It means that he can't take rejection. Maybe he has abandoment issues, maybe he's narcissistic. Don't get fooled.

Now doing away with this non relationship should be the easy part, but you still have work to do. When you were making your list about all the bad things about this guy, did you realize that your list was also a reflection of you? It seems that he started using and mistreating you very early on. You said on your third date he told you you talk to much and asked you to watch porn with him. I'm not a prude and I'm not against watching porn but not on the third date. The third date should still be romance and getting to know each other. Even more telling was the fact that he actually put you down for talkng...on the third date! But you kept on with him for months and months afterwards. You repeatedly ignored his signals, you ignored his boundaries and you didn't seem to have any boundaries of your own. You continued to make yourself physically and emotionally available to a guy who clearly didn't share your feelings. No doubt about it, this guy is a prick, but he can't own your behaviour. You have to take responisibility for that.

My concern is that this will just happen to you again and again because your own behaviour is inappropriate. When people start a relationship they gauge each other and mirror one another. One person opens up a little bit and the other person does the same. If the other person doesn't reciprocate then that is a clear signal to the one opening up to pull back and consider if they are moving to fast or if perhaps this isn't the right person to be opening up to. This continues throughout the relationship, with both people being aware of where the other is in terms of their emotional investment. You seemed to be oblivious to what was right in front of you or maybe just determined to ignore it. I would suggest some personal reflection or maybe even a bit of counselling before you get involved in a new relationship. You don't have healthy boundaries and it doesn't sound like you know how to protect yourself emotionally. If you don't fix that you will continue to be at the mercy of guys who want to use you.

July 24, 2011

you know, i read this site often and am always impressed by the advice given. Which is why i guess i posted this. But more than that, i am impressed by the SUPPORT given. And i have tears in my eyes as i type this....thank you so much, honestly. Each one of you has said with prefect clarity that which i guess i already knew.

The weird thing is, i have never had a relationship where i tried SO hard to get the man to like me. Never. But during this relationship (if you can call it that), i don't know what happened....it's like i ended up doubting myself so much....am i expecting too much.....is this really how things should be?...etc, etc.

I'm not blaming him for that...he did manipulate me, no doubt, but i'm an adult. It was my choice to stay so long. Reading what i posted originally...wow....it made me cry to see what i have been putting up with.

Never again. I am thankful that i really AM at the total indifference stage. A month ago and this would have crushed me. I wouldn't have had the strength to end it.

But yes, it still hurts...and as pointed out...that's just my pride. That, i can get over.

I talked to him about an hour ago and talked to him, told him it was over. He said he would see me on wednesday night. I put the phone down.

This is how seriously he takes me, i guess. Come wednesday night and he'll know though. I can't even imagine having sex with him again.

Again...thank you all so much. I started reading that site mentioned, Baggage Reclaim. Excellent articles...thanks for the pointer.

July 24, 2011

Okay first of all you definitely definitely need to get rid of this guy. You are justified in never talking to him again but you might need to have one more conversation with him to make him see that you are serious about the break up. In that conversation don't go over your reasons again. You have already told him and to continue to argue with him about it may give him the misguided idea that you are open to being talked back into the relationship. Your goal is to get rid of him not give him hope that he can manipulate you back. Tell him you are completely through with the relationship, you are not open to a discussion about it, you wish him well but you don't want him to contact you ever again. Tell him that if he does not respect your wishes to leave you alone after this phone call you will consider that harrassment and you will enlist legal assistance to put a stop to any further contact. Again do not engage in an argument with him. Definitely do not print out your list and give it to him. Doing that would only be inviting a response from him. Above all, do not be flattered that he is chasing you now. It doesn't mean that he secretly cares about you deep down and he just realized it. It means that he can't take rejection. Maybe he has abandoment issues, maybe he's narcissistic. Don't get fooled.

Now doing away with this non relationship should be the easy part, but you still have work to do. When you were making your list about all the bad things about this guy, did you realize that your list was also a reflection of you? It seems that he started using and mistreating you very early on. You said on your third date he told you you talk to much and asked you to watch porn with him. I'm not a prude and I'm not against watching porn but not on the third date. The third date should still be romance and getting to know each other. Even more telling was the fact that he actually put you down for talkng...on the third date! But you kept on with him for months and months afterwards. You repeatedly ignored his signals, you ignored his boundaries and you didn't seem to have any boundaries of your own. You continued to make yourself physically and emotionally available to a guy who clearly didn't share your feelings. No doubt about it, this guy is a prick, but he can't own your behaviour. You have to take responisibility for that.

My concern is that this will just happen to you again and again because your own behaviour is inappropriate. When people start a relationship they gauge each other and mirror one another. One person opens up a little bit and the other person does the same. If the other person doesn't reciprocate then that is a clear signal to the one opening up to pull back and consider if they are moving to fast or if perhaps this isn't the right person to be opening up to. This continues throughout the relationship, with both people being aware of where the other is in terms of their emotional investment. You seemed to be oblivious to what was right in front of you or maybe just determined to ignore it. I would suggest some personal reflection or maybe even a bit of counselling before you get involved in a new relationship. You don't have healthy boundaries and it doesn't sound like you know how to protect yourself emotionally. If you don't fix that you will continue to be at the mercy of guys who want to use you.

You are right. I know it's amazing that i put up with this, and i am actually in therapy right now (3rd week in) because i did realise that my own behaviour was destructive too. The thing is, when these things happened....the porn thing, the talking too much remark...at the time, they didn't even process with me....but when they later did...even then, i thought...maybe i deserved that.

Now i can see no-one deserves that.

I think my main reason for posting in the first place was because this had made me so insane, i was constantly questioning....AM i asking too much...IS this reasonable behaviour from him. He acted like nothing he ever did was wrong...ever. And because i DID feel strongly for him, i guess, eventually...he convinced me too, that it was ME who was in the wrong.

July 24, 2011

You are right. I know it's amazing that i put up with this, and i am actually in therapy right now (3rd week in) because i did realise that my own behaviour was destructive too. The thing is, when these things happened....the porn thing, the talking too much remark...at the time, they didn't even process with me....but when they later did...even then, i thought...maybe i deserved that.

Now i can see no-one deserves that.

I think my main reason for posting in the first place was because this had made me so insane, i was constantly questioning....AM i asking too much...IS this reasonable behaviour from him. He acted like nothing he ever did was wrong...ever. And because i DID feel strongly for him, i guess, eventually...he convinced me too, that it was ME who was in the wrong.

Good for you! I'm impressed that you have already taken some steps towards making sure this doesn't happen again. And I get the second guessing yourself and wondering if you're the one with the problem. I don't know how old you are but when I was very young I spent years with a guy who treated me like less than dirt. When I would question him, he would argue and talk and double speak and contradict and my head would spin. At the end of the conversation I always somehow felt bad for even questioning him. I would even apologize for starting a problem, lol...yuck! Some people are especially talented at dumping all the blame and responsibility on someone else and so I understand that it helps to get feedback from an outside source to validate what we already know.

July 24, 2011

Good for you! I'm impressed that you have already taken some steps towards making sure this doesn't happen again. And I get the second guessing yourself and wondering if you're the one with the problem. I don't know how old you are but when I was very young I spent years with a guy who treated me like less than dirt. When I would question him, he would argue and talk and double speak and contradict and my head would spin. At the end of the conversation I always somehow felt bad for even questioning him. I would even apologize for starting a problem, lol...yuck! Some people are especially talented at dumping all the blame and responsibility on someone else and so I understand that it helps to get feedback from an outside source to validate what we already know.

That's exactly how it was with me. I would end up saying sorry....even promising him i would never mention it again. I can't even make the excuse i am young. I'm not. I am divorced and this was really only my third relationship in my life.

I think i just want to be alone. He just sent me a text saying he would try and see me tonight. I just replied...no, just leave it. It's over.

No more contact from me at all now. Something you mentioned before, about how his contact doesn't mean he cares about me....i know this too...i think i have always known this. Like i said, the only times he ever really comes are when i say its over. Hence him wanting to come tonight. Fortunately, right now, i think i would rather poke my own eyes out than see him again.

July 24, 2011

This guy is doing nothing but manipulating you. This is one of the worst ones I've seen. He likes playing games with you, making you frantic, reeling you back in anytime he wants regardless of how he's treated you.

RUN away from this guy. Listen to me, you have to be strong when you do this and CUT HIM OFF for good. This is going to sound mean, but if you don't do that, he's only going to laugh more about being able to reel you in once more.

I'm so, so sorry that this guy has gotten to you. This is so real to you and you care for him and he's nothing but an ********* who's playing games with you and your emotions. Somewhere, somehow you have to find the strength to end it in one fail swoop.

ETA: the whole "I'll see you Wednesday" remark is because he doesn't believe you. He thinks he can pull you right back in. You have to show him that you are STRONGER than him and he no longer means anything. And he will try hard to pull you back. Keep your strength. I know you can!

cut him off for good....that's what i plan to do now. As i said...he just texted that he would try to come tonight. I know why...because he is SLIGHTLY worried that by wednesday i might not be there. Well, he's already too late.

I can't get over how brilliant a community this is. And with each post saying how they can't believe how this guy treated me...it makes me think...yeah, neither can i.

Thank you

July 24, 2011

I will say this....We all make choices. The longer you stay the harder it is to get out. Also...when you've had enough you will end it. Everything that has been said is true. It's up to you and only you with what you want to do.

This guys sounds like true loser....I want to kick his ass.

July 24, 2011

BB07....i won't. I am all cried out and i truly don't want anything more to do with him. He is toxic to me. That list i made....it was originally made for my journal....i decided to post it here to get some responses, and i am SO glad i did. Like i said, i am grateful that i have reached this point, where i no longer care. It hurts, yes, but i no longer feel the need to have a long conversation with him, explaining everything. If he doesn't know by now...he never will.

Confused4Now.....you want to kick his ass....me too. :-)

July 24, 2011

That's exactly how it was with me. I would end up saying sorry....even promising him i would never mention it again. I can't even make the excuse i am young. I'm not. I am divorced and this was really only my third relationship in my life.

I think i just want to be alone. He just sent me a text saying he would try and see me tonight. I just replied...no, just leave it. It's over.

No more contact from me at all now. Something you mentioned before, about how his contact doesn't mean he cares about me....i know this too...i think i have always known this. Like i said, the only times he ever really comes are when i say its over. Hence him wanting to come tonight. Fortunately, right now, i think i would rather poke my own eyes out than see him again.

Well maybe age doesn't have as much to do with it as experience does. If you haven't dealt with a manipulator before then it's easy to see why you would be vulnerable.

This guy is not listening to you. You have repeatedly told him that it is over and yet he continues to contact you and say he wants to see you. He is a controller and he hates that you have taken back your control. He is in a panic to get the upper hand again. I'd say it's time to either completely stop responding to him. Don't answer his texts, don't answer your phone. See if being completely ignored puts a stop to him, or have one last interaction where you come right out and tell him that you are going to call the authorities if he ever contacts you again. Do whichever one you feel most comfortable with.

July 24, 2011

This guy sounds like a full blown narcisst. Look it up on the Internet and it will help keep you strong if he tries to push his way in again. They pull you into their web and then make you feel like you are the one with the problem. The fact that he had you doubting yourself when his treatment of you was despicable is a strong indicator you were the victim of a narcisst. They are emotional vampires who suck you dry of all of your positive energy and leave you feeling depleted and empty. I've btdt twice! Do everything in your power to free yourself from his abuse because that is exactly what it is...abuse! Do some research on narcissts and a ton of light bulbs will start lighting up.

July 24, 2011

geek, it being your choice to cut it off helps with the self esteem issues. It gives you some healing in that you made to choice to control how you are now being treated.

July 25, 2011

Personally I wouldn't give anything to him, it's not going to change anything or the way he treats you. Hon...........2 of those reasons should be more than enough to never speak to him again. He treats you badly and by accepting it, you are allowing it. Please stop allowing him to treat you so disrespectfully. Also check out the baggage reclaim site. It's a great resource for women who have issues with men and the men who treat them badly. Ultimately we have to look within ourselves and understand why we allow someone to walk all over us in order to fix it.

You deserve better than this.

Ditto

Please stop reply to his texts and do not answer the door if he happens to show up.

I do not think you need to tell him you are "breaking up" with him, because this is not a relationship. Even you know it isn't a relationship.

He is rude, cruel and mean. But you have allowed it. Some of your texts to him sound like a 15 year old girl who wants to be liked. Your behavior was bordering on stalking. Do you really want to have a harassment charge on you? Please stop replying to him or trying to get him to say anything nice. He has used you. He has played you. He has hurt you. He has belittled you. He has been unbelievably cruel to you. Please stop letting him walk all over you and sh*t on you. No person deserves that kind of treatment.

I would find a new job and pronto. I don't think you are strong enough yet to not continue your past behavior of reaching out to him and trying to get him to notice you or respond to you.

Please print out your posts and remember what a jerk he is. Value YOURSELF more. RESPECT yourself more. LOVE yourself more.

Good luck!

July 28, 2011

Hi geek,

I hope you are hanging in there with cutting this guy out of your life. I've been in your shoes, I was vulnerable like you after my 17 yr marriage fell apart. I was alone for 6 yrs and fell for a MM.

So I understand how you become weak to their words, and you want to believe them so much. It feels good to believe you are wanted and even better to believe you are needed.

It's a painfully difficult pill to swallow, that someone would take your weakness'and use it to their advantage.

It gets easier when you let the healing process begin, but you never, ever forget, how hard it was to get over and what it put you through to get over it.

Then you can pay it forward, for other folks, that find themselves, in this unfortunant predicament.

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