fauxleather Posted July 24, 2011 Posted July 24, 2011 So a little summary: 1. Broke up mid June. I was the devastated, low self-esteem dumpee. I called/texted her on 2 separate occasions in 2 weeks trying to initiate a meetup, but was brushed off with excuses of "busy schedule". 1a. At the same time, I contacted ex's good friend to ask for advice and help on helping us patch up together. He brushed me off as well, citing "busy" as excuse again. (This guy is purely platonic, like BFF kinda) 2. Maintained NC for 3 weeks. (God it was epic difficult.) 3. Ex broke NC after 3 weeks. Texted me asking me really lame questions about where to download certain things. I replied her objectively with no bringing up of anything about the relationship, and ended the conversation first. 4. Resumed NC for a few more days. 5. 1 month since I contacted Ex's good friend, out of the blue he suddenly contacted me last night and apologized for not meeting me up for coffee and asked if I'm still looking to get back with Ex. I replied him the next morning, ignored the question and struck a conversation with him about pure work-related stuffs. Neither of us brought up the relationship in the conversation. After a while, he said he had to go do some work and I said alright, talk again. Now: On the surface, I seem to be doing pretty well. But my internal mindset is still pretty darn weak, but I'm trying my very best. Something tells me this isn't entirely over yet though. What do you guys think?
KathyM Posted July 24, 2011 Posted July 24, 2011 So a little summary: 1. Broke up mid June. I was the devastated, low self-esteem dumpee. I called/texted her on 2 separate occasions in 2 weeks trying to initiate a meetup, but was brushed off with excuses of "busy schedule". 1a. At the same time, I contacted ex's good friend to ask for advice and help on helping us patch up together. He brushed me off as well, citing "busy" as excuse again. (This guy is purely platonic, like BFF kinda) 2. Maintained NC for 3 weeks. (God it was epic difficult.) 3. Ex broke NC after 3 weeks. Texted me asking me really lame questions about where to download certain things. I replied her objectively with no bringing up of anything about the relationship, and ended the conversation first. 4. Resumed NC for a few more days. 5. 1 month since I contacted Ex's good friend, out of the blue he suddenly contacted me last night and apologized for not meeting me up for coffee and asked if I'm still looking to get back with Ex. I replied him the next morning, ignored the question and struck a conversation with him about pure work-related stuffs. Neither of us brought up the relationship in the conversation. After a while, he said he had to go do some work and I said alright, talk again. Now: On the surface, I seem to be doing pretty well. But my internal mindset is still pretty darn weak, but I'm trying my very best. Something tells me this isn't entirely over yet though. What do you guys think? I think she was trying to get back together with you. You should have taken the opportunity to do that when you had the chance, assuming you want to get back together. Sounds like she realizes now that she had it pretty good with you.
Author fauxleather Posted July 24, 2011 Author Posted July 24, 2011 I think she was trying to get back together with you. You should have taken the opportunity to do that when you had the chance, assuming you want to get back together. Sounds like she realizes now that she had it pretty good with you. Well, I definitely wouldn't mind giving this a second shot, considering we broke up over really lame issues as well. But this isn't something where we can just magically get back together kinda thing ya. What do you think would be a slow, steady and nice way to attempt to start the process? Like, a simple harmless ask her out for coffee kinda thing?
KathyM Posted July 24, 2011 Posted July 24, 2011 Well, I definitely wouldn't mind giving this a second shot, considering we broke up over really lame issues as well. But this isn't something where we can just magically get back together kinda thing ya. What do you think would be a slow, steady and nice way to attempt to start the process? Like, a simple harmless ask her out for coffee kinda thing? Hard to say. You had a golden opportunity to initiate a meet up when she called you, and certainly when the friend asked you. She probably put him up to that. Now she got the impression you are no longer interested. At this point, it would be kind of out of the blue to ask her out for coffee. Maybe you could call her and say you've been thinking about her, and you'd like to get together sometime for coffee if she's interested.
Author fauxleather Posted July 24, 2011 Author Posted July 24, 2011 Hard to say. You had a golden opportunity to initiate a meet up when she called you, and certainly when the friend asked you. She probably put him up to that. Now she got the impression you are no longer interested. At this point, it would be kind of out of the blue to ask her out for coffee. Maybe you could call her and say you've been thinking about her, and you'd like to get together sometime for coffee if she's interested. I think the reason why I didn't ask her or her friend was because there really wasn't an indication on her part that she really wanted to meet up. The conversations seemed even rather, obligatory in a sense. And I really don't want to end up asking her out again only to get brushed off once again. But I guess I'll text her along the week and ask for a get together or something. That wouldn't appear to be too weird or needy on my side, would it?
t_i Posted July 24, 2011 Posted July 24, 2011 I dont think you should just jump the moment she called. Thinking you may move on will scare her into wanting you more. You've done well to ignore it. She'll end up texting again. Wait for her to come to you. Exs are good at making sure your still there then changing their mind and going back to square 1. She's having doubts but you not jumping to her beck and call will only make her feelings stronger. Only consider getting back with her if you could trust her not to do it again. Not all people deserve second chances after hurting the one they're meant to love. Goodluck
Author fauxleather Posted July 24, 2011 Author Posted July 24, 2011 I'm just a little worried if she's initially interested but because of my uninterested vibes she just moves on. That would have been pretty stupid on my part.
t_i Posted July 24, 2011 Posted July 24, 2011 If she cares that much she'll wait a few weeks before deciding to move on, that way you can tell if shes just going to use you for abit of attention then leave you again without any reconciliation. However maybe next time she texts or rings just ask her what's up? Make her at least be the one to say she's made a mistake first.
Author fauxleather Posted July 24, 2011 Author Posted July 24, 2011 You think if I took the initiative to text her this week to strike up a casual conversation it would be weird? Although nothing is set in stone yet, but if she really broke NC to attempt to check out if I'm still interested and also pulled her good friend into this for the same purpose, and yet both times I were nonchalant, it wouldn't send a very good message would it?
Sebstian Posted July 24, 2011 Posted July 24, 2011 Ime the less you give the more they come to you. Being the case that she hurt you, I would wait for something more concrete from her before giving in. It sends the wrong signal that you're on and ready after receiving a couple of tiny bread crumbs...
Author fauxleather Posted July 24, 2011 Author Posted July 24, 2011 So I'm back to square one and just have to reinstate NC? I really don't see how someone will continuously try to make contact with you after you repeatedly ignore her though. Right now, if she still had something for me, it must be pretty much diminishing already. Yet, I still have feelings for her, but I'm just not doing anything. These games sometimes drive me crazy. Honestly the ideal situation is if I can just god damn forget everything and move on. But I'm sure most of us want that as well.
t_i Posted July 24, 2011 Posted July 24, 2011 Agree with the above. She hasnt said anything yet. My ex text me saying he missed me. I jumped in thinking 'yes!' he regrets it! But it wasn't the case, he didn't want to get back together. He was checking to make sure I was still there. Maybe if I played it cool he'd realise he was loosing me but who knows. Wait for her to text you again. She will. Nothing will change in the next few days, only make her worried that you aren't coming to her. she may miss you but she may not want the situation to change yet. But what you know for certain is.... Time without you is making her return to you, it's working so stick to it !!
Author fauxleather Posted July 24, 2011 Author Posted July 24, 2011 Oops, I posted seconds before you did, hahaha. I really do hope so for something more concrete soon. So the general consensus is that I shouldn't even try and make small talks with her or ask her out for coffee anytime soon I suppose?
t_i Posted July 24, 2011 Posted July 24, 2011 Think about it from our point of view. I miss everything about my ex. Even just speaking to him. You miss just ringing to chat randomly too? Probably! You ex turns into a best friend. If she still gets to speak to you and chat... Then she can technically keep you there for months untill she's moved on completely. She's ended it. Give her that. I don't believe any dumper will be ready for you to disappear out of their lives after so long. She'll miss things she didn't even realise. Texting you about somthing that happened at work. When shes upset or bored. Then everything else. She'll go to text you and realise she's thrown that away. That security, the love the dedication. I laugh at somthing now. Who do I want to text about it? Him... But he's not there. She's obviously realising this. You've done fantastically so far. But remember every girl wants what's unobtainable! Even subconsciously.
t_i Posted July 24, 2011 Posted July 24, 2011 Oh and before I give you false hope - if she doesn't come to you you know she was just leaving breadcrumbs and you've saved yourself MORE hurt. Its like win win.
Author fauxleather Posted July 24, 2011 Author Posted July 24, 2011 The logical part of me agrees with you wholeheartedly. But I guess I'm just worried that she initially had feelings, and her breadcrumbs, so to speak, were ways to sincerely show her interest and stuff, but yet I did NOT caught on at all. She takes it that I'm not interested at all, and just moves on. Now THAT would have been pretty stupid. But I'm not too sure about the chances of that happening, especially with respect to the mindset of girls.
t_i Posted July 24, 2011 Posted July 24, 2011 I know. I couldn't stop myself replying to my ex. I keep thinking he's moving on but realistically - he'll be hurting too. I think you need some confidence. You are not forgettable. As she is experiencing now. You were a lovely boyfriend. Realistically she 'd be lucky to get you back.
Author fauxleather Posted July 24, 2011 Author Posted July 24, 2011 True that. Guess I shouldn't shortchange myself or the experiences we shared together. They weren't that easily forgettable.
ScienceGal Posted July 24, 2011 Posted July 24, 2011 I do not think being friends too soon is a good idea. If it were me, and I wanted her back as a girlfriend I would: 1) call, don't text. Make casual conversation. Keep it short. Be happy, sound busy. Tell her you only have 10 minutes to talk and then you have to get going. Do not talk about the relationship. Make it more of a "check in" to see how she's been doing. 2) wait (worst part!) 3) If she calls back and is interested in talking about the relationship, set aside a time to talk face to face. 4) Think about what you want. What wasn't working that caused the relationship to end? Address it, including what you would need to make things work. Be clear that you care, but are in a good place right now (even if that's a lie) and that you would only consider working on things if your needs were being met. Remember, she is the one that left you. Of course, if you contributed to any problems, you need to hold yourself accountable too. But, you don't need to bring it up in conversation if you are aware and have already decided you will not continue such behavior. 5) Don't jump back into anything. See how much she is willing to try and slowly let her back in. Good luck!
Author fauxleather Posted July 24, 2011 Author Posted July 24, 2011 You know, I was just thinking. There are two different kinds of breakups. One is those in which the girl is more clearly at fault, in which she cheated on the guy, and hence dumped the guy. Another of those, is that the guy kinda was mean to the girl, lost his temper multiple times and stuff, and hence the girl left him cause she just couldn't take it anymore. I fall into the 2nd category. Do you people think hence in some ways, the fault of the matter lies in me in the first place, and I shouldn't really play that hard to get? I mean in comparison, someone who got dumped cause his ex cheated on him would obviously have to wait for more concrete signs than someone who was dumped cause he screwed up in the first place. As you can see, I'm in a huge dilemma but I'm not going to do anything stupid.
KathyM Posted July 24, 2011 Posted July 24, 2011 I think the reason why I didn't ask her or her friend was because there really wasn't an indication on her part that she really wanted to meet up. The conversations seemed even rather, obligatory in a sense. And I really don't want to end up asking her out again only to get brushed off once again. But I guess I'll text her along the week and ask for a get together or something. That wouldn't appear to be too weird or needy on my side, would it? Well, IMO, she didn't call you out of the blue just to ask you some mundane stuff that she could have found out elsewhere. And the friend doesn't call you up after a month asking if you are still interested in getting back together with her unless she put him up to it. I think she wanted you back. I think you should call her.
Author fauxleather Posted July 24, 2011 Author Posted July 24, 2011 That I agree, but it's still not really confirmed yet that her friend was acting on her behalf. But then again, getting in touch with someone that's not even your close friend to ask whether he wants to get back with his ex one month later is really kinda weird as well. Especially since we are both guys. But then again, he did not bring up any mentioning of the relationship after I ignored his question. Gosh, I'm in a horribly flustered state of mind.
ScienceGal Posted July 24, 2011 Posted July 24, 2011 You clearly still care enough about her. And, given that you see fault in your behavior, you have the power to change. Skip to number 4 on my list, but make sure you get your head straight. Do not call her if you are flustered... be clear headed!
Author fauxleather Posted July 25, 2011 Author Posted July 25, 2011 I feel like i've quite a bit of things to say, but i'm not mentally ready yet to accept rejections yet as a reply. Hence, i do not feel that it is still the right time to contact. But at the same time, im worried that ill miss out on a possible opportunity if i let all these pass.
wilsonx Posted July 25, 2011 Posted July 25, 2011 (edited) 5. 1 month since I contacted Ex's good friend, out of the blue he suddenly contacted me last night and apologized for not meeting me up for coffee and asked if I'm still looking to get back with Ex. I replied him the next morning, ignored the question and struck a conversation with him about pure work-related stuffs. Neither of us brought up the relationship in the conversation. After a while, he said he had to go do some work and I said alright, talk again. This is your biggest problem... NC is NC... dump all your ex's friends numbers/facebook/email accounts etc. Block them. You should not be hearing about whats going on in your ex's life and they should not be hearing about whats going on in your life. Its that simple. NC is not about your ex getting back together with you. Its about you healing and moving on. Im going to be the little devil on your shoulder right now and tell you that your ex is a piece of **** and you better not take him back. Second chances suck. Most of the time you are just a rebound for them if you do get one. The pain hurts way worse too when that ends. You want to focus on healing and move forward. Oh drop that friends crap. Why do you want to be friends with your ex? The only reason is because you still have feelings for em My challenge to you this upcoming week is go out and make 3 new friends and hang out with one of them by next Sunday. So you lost 1 friend, but you gained 3 more in one week. If you do this every week soon enough you will realize wow these people actually still want to hang out with me and my ex doesn't hmmmm his/her loss Edited July 25, 2011 by wilsonx
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