replicator Posted July 24, 2011 Posted July 24, 2011 So - to be brief - I met a girl about a year after my break with long-term gf and we've been dating for some time now. At the beginning, it was great. She is very attractive, smart, and fun person to be with. Very unique personality. On the other hand, I know it was a rebound. It was a selfish thing, but I also thought it might just work out. In the end, I'm 'okay' with things as they are, but I don't feel the 'love' so to speak. What is missing is that intimacy, the longing to be with her, to kiss her. I can go weeks without speaking to her (we both travel a lot). I've been getting a lot of signs from other women, and the thought of being single is beginning to appeal to me. Yet - I know I'd be giving up a good girl... I respect her a lot, and don't want to hurt her... I'm just so unsure about what to do. Part of me wants to try to see if we can change things for the better, on the other hand, I'm thinking it may not work because the chemistry is not there. So bottom line, i'm not crazy about her, and wonder if there is someone out there that is better for me.. Is that enough reason to break up?
FinOuch Posted July 24, 2011 Posted July 24, 2011 Do you really need to be told what to do? I think the old "how would you like it if someone did this to you" question pretty much answers all of the points in your post. It should be fairly obvious that it's not okay to string someone along in a relationship that you're simply not into. Regardless of how great of a girl she is, a relationship in which your heart is not invested can't last. You will break up with her eventually, and since you've already got an eye on the field it will likely be due to another girl - which will add insult to injury. Staying with someone to avoid hurting them is only prolonging and increasing the amount of hurt you will inflict on them later on. And may I suggest you stop using girls as rebounds? That is also unfair to the girl.
thelovingkind Posted July 24, 2011 Posted July 24, 2011 I think this is a case of it being hard to see what's right in front of you. But you've answered all your own questions: In the end, I'm 'okay' with things as they are, but I don't feel the 'love' so to speak. What is missing is that intimacy, the longing to be with her, to kiss her. I can go weeks without speaking to her (we both travel a lot). Imagine if you saw someone else write a thread saying that, some other anonymous user to whom you could provide totally anonymous, straight up advice. What would you say? "Stick at it, because it's comfortable, reliable and you're not emotionally invested so there's no chance of getting hurt"? Or "You're clearly not in love with this person, you feel no longing to be with her and you don't experience intimacy together which is the cornerstone of any relationship, so there is utterly no reason to be wasting your time and hers when partners are out there who you can experience longing and love for"?
Author replicator Posted July 25, 2011 Author Posted July 25, 2011 Thanks both of you for taking the time to respond. I know it seems cruel, but I was hoping that it could work out. My last relationship, I didn't really feel the love either until about 2 or 3 years into it. It's just that everything seems to be there, yet something is missing - and I can't figure out if it is something that can be developed or if it is just a lost cause. I'll have to give it some thought and talk to her about this once we're back in the same city.
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