SteelWall Posted July 23, 2011 Posted July 23, 2011 Never really been interested in shy guys. But, one in particular is intriguing me. He definitely is crushing and hanging around ALOT and is cute underneath the studious....awkward shyness. He is definitely giving signals, but how do you deal with shy guys. I feel like I would be deflowering him...) Plus more near my age...tired of the older gents. Would be refreshing it seems.
musemaj11 Posted July 23, 2011 Posted July 23, 2011 Why are women so tough on guys who are more on the shy side? People who are shy are people who care about what other people think and feel.
maudiorocks Posted July 23, 2011 Posted July 23, 2011 because women want it both ways and its bull**** IMHO
Author SteelWall Posted July 24, 2011 Author Posted July 24, 2011 I was not aware that my post came across as negative. You just crapped all over my question. I am a chick who actually will not put up with being treated like crap. I find no pleasure nor have no inner need to chase after, or deal with a jerk. Does not get me off. I do not wish for a total wimp, pushover either. Actually like nice guys. Badboys are just guys that either have mothers they resent, therefore they resent women in general....have a stick to poke or are gaming the disordered....women who need a man to validate their self worth.
somedude81 Posted July 24, 2011 Posted July 24, 2011 A shy needs and would love encouragement. Make things a little easy on him. Don't be afraid to show interest, but don't push too hard.
carhill Posted July 24, 2011 Posted July 24, 2011 He is definitely giving signals, but how do you deal with shy guys Just like any other human, presuming you enjoy his company. Give him some signals, enjoy your time together and life returns what it does. If someone else more compatible comes along, go with that. There are no guarantees in life, except death.
Author SteelWall Posted July 24, 2011 Author Posted July 24, 2011 Definitely know not to be too bold...he may run! lol He actually invested interest in something (not too much info) that required him touching me....it took me aback a little...cause it was soooo sweet. And he sought me out the next day to talk. And touched me again. It is nice to be around someone that does not seem to be gaming. I have seen the predatory look from a couple of gents this week who I heard are getting divorced. I know that look and what it's intention is. This is intriguing me because its a nice different.
PhillyDude Posted July 24, 2011 Posted July 24, 2011 Why are women so tough on guys who are more on the shy side? People who are shy are people who care about what other people think and feel. Because shyness doesn't look good on a man, it makes him unattractive. I was able to witness this on a dating show and saw how he unattractive he looked
Author SteelWall Posted July 24, 2011 Author Posted July 24, 2011 Because shyness doesn't look good on a man, it makes him unattractive. I was able to witness this on a dating show and saw how he unattractive he looked Well there are degrees to everything. Social retard and shyness are different. I think a little shyness is endearing...cute. And maybe they have more important interests...than what chick they will bag for the night...week...month.
carhill Posted July 24, 2011 Posted July 24, 2011 Perhaps a good exercise would be defining 'shyness'. My data point was (and still is to a degree) being friendly but not overtly flirtatious, proactively direct and interested and not a groper. After all, in most cases, the lady is a stranger. Overt unsubstantiated familiarity and invasion of personal space is contradictory to my nature. That said, I've rarely had issues asking women on dates if I was interested *and* I was sure they were unattached (beyond them 'saying so'). I add that because of my negative experiences with married and attached women misrepresenting themselves over the years. Anyway, time reveals all truths. If the man is compatible and interested, it will become evident. If not, not. If someone else 'swoops in' and 'steals' the OP away, that's the path. That's life.
musemaj11 Posted July 24, 2011 Posted July 24, 2011 Nobody likes someone who is painfully shy. All I'm saying is that men are normal human beings too who feel emotions. I think its dehumanizing when women expect all men to be fearless when it comes to something so emotional as love
HeavenOrHell Posted July 24, 2011 Posted July 24, 2011 I love shyness in a man, so no it doesn't make him 'unattractive,' so many generalisations on this site. It's narrow minded to think we're all attracted to the same types. Speak for yourself, but don't speak for everyone. Because shyness doesn't look good on a man, it makes him unattractive. I was able to witness this on a dating show and saw how he unattractive he looked
oaks Posted July 24, 2011 Posted July 24, 2011 Why are women so tough on guys who are more on the shy side? It seems like she's found one who she likes and is looking for advice on how to take things further. Doesn't sound tough to me!
oaks Posted July 24, 2011 Posted July 24, 2011 Never really been interested in shy guys. But, one in particular is intriguing me. He definitely is crushing and hanging around ALOT and is cute underneath the studious....awkward shyness. He is definitely giving signals, but how do you deal with shy guys. I feel like I would be deflowering him...) Plus more near my age...tired of the older gents. Would be refreshing it seems. He's giving signals, but are you giving any back? Maybe he needs more hints that you're single and available and enjoying his company. If being subtle doesn't work, you could ask him out, or tell him you like him too and when he stops blushing tell him he should ask you out. Good luck.
Author SteelWall Posted July 24, 2011 Author Posted July 24, 2011 He's giving signals, but are you giving any back? Maybe he needs more hints that you're single and available and enjoying his company. If being subtle doesn't work, you could ask him out, or tell him you like him too and when he stops blushing tell him he should ask you out. Good luck. Thanks for this advice, but I will not ask him out, lol. But will just continue to talk to him and see where that leads naturally. Not really in a place where I 'have' to have something/relationship. I have given subtle, but am more subdued with not poignantly being apparent in my flirting. I am always very friendly which is good. Not actively searching. I have lately been just focusing on myself....trying to mend my own block by slowly crumbling my wall. I lost alot early in life, 2 loves, and I go in and out of experience great mourning.
Jynxx Posted July 24, 2011 Posted July 24, 2011 . Not really in a place where I 'have' to have something/relationship. I have given subtle, but am more subdued with not poignantly being apparent in my flirting. I am always very friendly which is good. Not actively searching. If you see a subtle hint, the guy sees nothing. If you see an obvious hint, the guy might see some sign or might see nothing. We're nowhere near as good in decoding that sort of thing, so obvious is the way to go. Great attitude btw, wish more ppl were like that.
oaks Posted July 24, 2011 Posted July 24, 2011 But will just continue to talk to him and see where that leads naturally. You're being subtle and he's shy. It'll lead nowhere naturally.
zengirl Posted July 24, 2011 Posted July 24, 2011 You're being subtle and he's shy. It'll lead nowhere naturally. THIS. (BTW, to me, Carhill's definition above isn't really shyness---that's a relationship-oriented man who can still be assertive. I think many, many girls like that. That said, I think many good, shy guys evolve to that state over time as they mature because they realize they have to overcome their shyness, but that's closer to 30, 40, etc.) The thing about shy guys --- and I've dated many --- is that they are shy. I know, I just blew your mind there. But think about what shy means! That means they aren't going to be as prone to showing initial interest, asking you out, or putting things out there. They certainly can/will show interest and attention later if they're given reason to believe it's reciprocated, so they can still be fantastic boyfriends, but they are less likely to easily get into relationships because of male/female dynamics. As such, shy guys often learn to prefer confident, assertive, outgoing women for obvious reasons---two shy people have a lot of difficulty starting a relationship since they're both too shy to jumpstart it (though occasional bravery moments occur and get these things going), so they may have only had a chance to date outgoing women. So, if you want to date a shy guy, you have to be more outgoing. You have to put more than subtle clues out there. Sometimes, you even have to hit him over the head with it. (Not literally. Figuratively.) This is all in the beginning. A shy guy who is boyfriend material and interested WILL start taking charge once he knows you're truly interested and he has a chance if he gets it in gear. He will often shift in gear faster and better (IME) than an extroverted guy because he cherishes his chances and connections more than an extrovert. So shyness really is not a detriment to boyfriend material --- it's just a detriment to getting over the initial 'hump'. However, most women don't want to be the one who helps get over that initial hump, which is "what" (as a poster asked) most women have against shy guys. It's not that women view shyness as a bad thing perse (some do, but I don't think it's a mass opinion), except it's early byproduct is that the woman is put in a position that many women are socialized not to be in----putting themselves WAY out there, instead of being approached, and sometimes even being the pursuer (you can actually avoid this quite easily; I would never really consider myself a pursuer perse with my shy guys since I never chased them down during most of the stages; instead, I usually just basically gave them the equivalent of a billboard saying, "I'm interested; you should pursue me!" and let them do their thing if they were into it). So, if you are interested in a shy guy, you can't be subtle. Even outgoing men can't read most of women's subtle hints; they just kind of go for it more often than shy men.
Author SteelWall Posted July 24, 2011 Author Posted July 24, 2011 THIS. (BTW, to me, Carhill's definition above isn't really shyness---that's a relationship-oriented man who can still be assertive. I think many, many girls like that. That said, I think many good, shy guys evolve to that state over time as they mature because they realize they have to overcome their shyness, but that's closer to 30, 40, etc.) The thing about shy guys --- and I've dated many --- is that they are shy. I know, I just blew your mind there. But think about what shy means! That means they aren't going to be as prone to showing initial interest, asking you out, or putting things out there. They certainly can/will show interest and attention later if they're given reason to believe it's reciprocated, so they can still be fantastic boyfriends, but they are less likely to easily get into relationships because of male/female dynamics. As such, shy guys often learn to prefer confident, assertive, outgoing women for obvious reasons---two shy people have a lot of difficulty starting a relationship since they're both too shy to jumpstart it (though occasional bravery moments occur and get these things going), so they may have only had a chance to date outgoing women. So, if you want to date a shy guy, you have to be more outgoing. You have to put more than subtle clues out there. Sometimes, you even have to hit him over the head with it. (Not literally. Figuratively.) This is all in the beginning. A shy guy who is boyfriend material and interested WILL start taking charge once he knows you're truly interested and he has a chance if he gets it in gear. He will often shift in gear faster and better (IME) than an extroverted guy because he cherishes his chances and connections more than an extrovert. So shyness really is not a detriment to boyfriend material --- it's just a detriment to getting over the initial 'hump'. However, most women don't want to be the one who helps get over that initial hump, which is "what" (as a poster asked) most women have against shy guys. It's not that women view shyness as a bad thing perse (some do, but I don't think it's a mass opinion), except it's early byproduct is that the woman is put in a position that many women are socialized not to be in----putting themselves WAY out there, instead of being approached, and sometimes even being the pursuer (you can actually avoid this quite easily; I would never really consider myself a pursuer perse with my shy guys since I never chased them down during most of the stages; instead, I usually just basically gave them the equivalent of a billboard saying, "I'm interested; you should pursue me!" and let them do their thing if they were into it). So, if you are interested in a shy guy, you can't be subtle. Even outgoing men can't read most of women's subtle hints; they just kind of go for it more often than shy men. Good post Zengirl.....lol at it leading to nowhere. I am not out actively pursuing...so yes it may lead to nowhere and I am fine with that. I have zero needs or must haves... Am intrigued a little and will not ask a man out....not my style:D But will just go with the flow...and I am outgoing to a certain extent.
carhill Posted July 24, 2011 Posted July 24, 2011 If being more direct is compatible with the OP's relationship style, then it is certainly an option worth pursuing. The unknown is whether the 'shy' man is 'shy' only in the initial stages of meeting and greeting or if he is globally shy, meaning unassertive and passive in progressing an otherwise meaningful relationship. If the latter, then it's even more important that the OP's style be direct, or else she may find herself consistently out of her comfort zone and natural relationship style to make any progress. To me, style meshing is part of 'synergy'; a component of a healthy LTR or M. It's unknown if LTR/M is the OP's relationship goal, so that may not be a factor. Since OP is apparently pretty adamant about not asking the man out directly, it sounds like her style is more indirect, e.g. showing receptiveness and interest and leaving the man room to proactively ask her out. See how it goes. If he's a non-starter in a reasonable period of time, say a couple weeks of occasional contact, IMO that's incompatible and it's on to the next potential.
Author SteelWall Posted July 24, 2011 Author Posted July 24, 2011 If being more direct is compatible with the OP's relationship style, then it is certainly an option worth pursuing. The unknown is whether the 'shy' man is 'shy' only in the initial stages of meeting and greeting or if he is globally shy, meaning unassertive and passive in progressing an otherwise meaningful relationship. If the latter, then it's even more important that the OP's style be direct, or else she may find herself consistently out of her comfort zone and natural relationship style to make any progress. To me, style meshing is part of 'synergy'; a component of a healthy LTR or M. It's unknown if LTR/M is the OP's relationship goal, so that may not be a factor. Since OP is apparently pretty adamant about not asking the man out directly, it sounds like her style is more indirect, e.g. showing receptiveness and interest and leaving the man room to proactively ask her out. See how it goes. If he's a non-starter in a reasonable period of time, say a couple weeks of occasional contact, IMO that's incompatible and it's on to the next potential. Exactly!
zengirl Posted July 24, 2011 Posted July 24, 2011 If being more direct is compatible with the OP's relationship style, then it is certainly an option worth pursuing. The unknown is whether the 'shy' man is 'shy' only in the initial stages of meeting and greeting or if he is globally shy, meaning unassertive and passive in progressing an otherwise meaningful relationship. If the latter, then it's even more important that the OP's style be direct, or else she may find herself consistently out of her comfort zone and natural relationship style to make any progress. To me, style meshing is part of 'synergy'; a component of a healthy LTR or M. It's unknown if LTR/M is the OP's relationship goal, so that may not be a factor. Since OP is apparently pretty adamant about not asking the man out directly, it sounds like her style is more indirect, e.g. showing receptiveness and interest and leaving the man room to proactively ask her out. See how it goes. If he's a non-starter in a reasonable period of time, say a couple weeks of occasional contact, IMO that's incompatible and it's on to the next potential. I think that's totally reasonable, but I'll add two caveats: 1. If your style works for you, keep it. However "styles" and "compatibility" are things that can change. If a style is not working for you (i.e. you aren't meeting the men/women or having the relationships you want to be having), then it's better to change it than to just throw your hands up and say, "But it's my style!" All depends. 2. Her style is the default female style; she was socialized to be this way, as we all are. Which means it may well not be "HER" style at all (don't know OP's age) if she's never stepped outside of it. I know many women who thought their style was never to initiate anything but actually found they preferred being more direct and proactive---I am one of these women, in fact, which is why I always recommend women give it a whirl. I always recommend fiddling with the settings, especially if you're still on 'factory default', if you're not getting exactly what you want just yet. Heck, maybe you're not as default as you think.
carhill Posted July 24, 2011 Posted July 24, 2011 OP, in your interactions with the world, how would you characterize your intrinsic style of engagement? If this style is markedly different than how you approach romance, why do you think that is? I ask because I was never socialized into a stereotype, rather supported into my natural style of engagement. Obviously, as my stories here on LS detail, that style has come into conflict with others over time, causing me to assess it and try different things, as zengirl suggests. The result is the 'data point' I provided prior. That course of action remained true to my psychological style of engagement in a way which apparently was better received by ladies, at least a small subset of them. Can you find some middle ground for yourself? Unknown.
zengirl Posted July 24, 2011 Posted July 24, 2011 OP, in your interactions with the world, how would you characterize your intrinsic style of engagement? If this style is markedly different than how you approach romance, why do you think that is? I ask because I was never socialized into a stereotype, rather supported into my natural style of engagement. Obviously, as my stories here on LS detail, that style has come into conflict with others over time, causing me to assess it and try different things, as zengirl suggests. The result is the 'data point' I provided prior. That course of action remained true to my psychological style of engagement in a way which apparently was better received by ladies, at least a small subset of them. Can you find some middle ground for yourself? Unknown. BTW, I'm not suggesting what the OP's natural style is or isn't (totally don't know her so how could I say?). Just providing a perspective that natural/initial style does not always = true to self style. I definitely recommend everyone be comfortable with their own actions and act in the world with the least 'true self' dissonance possible. So you and I agree there 100%.
Author SteelWall Posted July 25, 2011 Author Posted July 25, 2011 Zengirl, I completely get what you are saying. I should come out of my shoes a bit and be somewhat more forward. I am in my early 30s, and have been raised that the man should be the one to initiate all suitoring. It is unbecoming to be a female and intitiate calls or flirting unrelentlessly.....this would be considered shameful and unladylike. I can flirt when in the right atmosphere, but still those nagging thoughts of what is proper and what is not.
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