Asked b/f to think about moving in and he dropped off key and now won't stop calling

[beachgirll2011]

I have been with my b/f 8 months. We are both in our mid 30's neither of us have ever been married. I had a miscarriage in Feb and would like to be in a committed rel so i can try again. In May I told my b/f i wanted to break up b/c he seemed to not want to move forward with the relationship. He constantly used his 8 year old son as the excuse (he said he might go for full custody) plus stuff like his life isn't in order. He wouldn't let me go so we stayed together. At the end of May my lease was up. I talked about moving in and he suggested I look for a place closer to work and him. When he found a place driving to his job one day he suggested I look at it. I luved it but he decided he wasn't ready. I told him I wouldn't move unless it was to move in together. I stayed put. I brought it up again 2 days ago but was more serious. 2 days later he dropped off the key to my place by sending a txt saying he would be at my place in 10 min and if I wasn't there he would leave the key on my kitchen shelf (which he did). I left before he got there and called his bluff and refused to answer his calls/texts which have been at LEAST 5 a day. He was upset I took him off FB and asked if I wanted to end things like this and asked me to call him and stop wasting his time so he can move on. I didn't reply so he wrote he guessed it would be better to talk in person and wanted to meet me during the week. I responded that if he thought our rel was a waste of time he SHOULD move on and that there was no reason to stop by because he made it clear he didn't want to commit when he dropped off the key. I never answered him after that. He texted me that he gave back the key b/c I broke up with him (not true...I asked for him to move forward) and that he hates to let me go without having a conversation with me. He wrote he loves spending time with me. And just keeps texting and texting. I feel like now I don't want him to move in b/c I can't trust him to not walk out which means there is no future for us. I would like him to make a commitment on his own but based on this what advice do you guys have? I really want to move on but if there is a chance he will move forward I would hate to just give up. He has 5 nieces and nephews all under the age of 10 and they have a rel with us now...we have taken them (2 at a time lol) to hershey, the beach, they luv sleeping over my place etc etc. His son just added me as a contact on his IPOD lol His nephew calls me his g/f I have met his parents and stayed overnight at their house. Yet after all this he can't move forward. I don't know how much longer I can wait.

[Nexus One]

If he goes for full custody, wouldn't it be a favorable argument in front of the judge that his son would end up in family with a female in it, i.e. a mother-like figure? That figure then would be you. One would think that would be seen as favorable for the child and would give the impression of a stable environment for the child in the eyes of the judge. Or am I missing something here?

[iJester]

In all of his texting he hasn't mentioned anything about moving forward in the relationship or making more a of a commitment. I do think 8 months is a bit early to be moving in, but that's my personal opinion and I don't know how close you two are. Anyway, you should tell him not to contact you anymore unless he wants to be in a more serious relationship. I think you should just move on though.

[beachgirll2011]

In all of his texting he hasn't mentioned anything about moving forward in the relationship or making more a of a commitment. I do think 8 months is a bit early to be moving in, but that's my personal opinion and I don't know how close you two are. Anyway, you should tell him not to contact you anymore unless he wants to be in a more serious relationship. I think you should just move on though.

 

No he just keeps asking me to go out with him. He just texted me asking me to go out to his best friends b-day with him. I told him I want to discuss things with him before doing anything. 8 months is a little early however at our age (37) he should have an idea of what he want to do...he never includes anything about us in his future and that bothers me a lot. I don't want to invest anymore time if he is not going to commit. We are together everyday and on the weekends his son and nephews/nieces sleep over at least twice a month with us. Not sure why he is hesitant to move forward but I am pissed.

[Art_Critic]

You are right to break it off.. you were also in a relationship with a commitment phobe.

Until or unless he can do a committed relationship then he will not give you what you need..

[Nexus One]

I still don't understand his custody argument. Here's my take on unclear/vague arguments where clarity is demanded and needed.

 

Whenever you ask a clear question to an SO, but that SO gives a vague answer, where it's important to get clarity, then something's up. Then there's something he/she is not telling. And that very thing becomes like a needle in your mind.

 

Press him for the truth, press him on his vagueness, press him on the fact that you think he's not telling you something and that you want to know what that is. Press him on the fact that he doesn't include you in his future plans and that you find that worrying.

[beachgirll2011]

I still don't understand his custody argument. Here's my take on unclear/vague arguments where clarity is demanded and needed.

 

Whenever you ask a clear question to an SO, but that SO gives a vague answer, where it's important to get clarity, then something's up. Then there's something he/she is not telling. And that very thing becomes like a needle in your mind.

 

Press him for the truth, press him on his vagueness, press him on the fact that you think he's not telling you something and that you want to know what that is. Press him on the fact that he doesn't include you in his future plans and that you find that worrying.

 

He just texted me asking me to go to his friend's b-day party with him and I told him I want to discuss things before doing anything. I said i would talk to him tomorrow. This is so sad that this is going to end b/c he can't commit. The only thing he ever said about moving in when I asked in May was "what if you get sick of me after I move in". He had a previous rel that ended very badly with his son's mom and they do not talk now. But I feel he is letting his past keep him from building a future with me. I just wish I knew he loved me enough to make a commitment. Unfortunatley after what he did I don't even know if I want to try anymore. I am so upset.

[Mme. Chaucer]

I agree with Art that you are right to break it off with him, since I don't think he will be giving you what you want.

 

That being said, it sounds as if you've been really breathing down his neck about the commitment throughout your whole relationship - having a miscarriage 3 months in and then trying to work it out so you could "try again," and pushing hard last May (at the 6 month mark). That, in my opinion, is WAY too much pushing and prodding.

 

You do need to go for what you want in a relationship, but you also need to leave some space for things to develop naturally, as well as for the other person to learn what they want and to be able to make some proactive moves on their own.