KME39 Posted July 23, 2011 Posted July 23, 2011 Well it has been almost a month since I told my hubby that I wanted a separation. We have been married for 7.5 years. There are no childern involved at all. When we got married it was on a complete impulse and not very much pre-thought. I met him in September and married him in November. He was a total rebound relationship and I wasn't thinking straight. I realized almost right away I made a mistake marrying him BUT I take my relationship seriously so I put forth a huge effort to make it work. Some of our challenges: He is gone for 1/2 the month for his job. The marriage failure rate is very high in his line of work. We are totally different social classes. I came from a very different upbringing than he did. My family taught me to be accepting of others that are different races than you. His family..they say some awful words to describe different races. I had to put a stop to that and still they disrespect me. He has zero initiative to do anything around the house. I mean absolutely nothing. I go into work at 530 am and come home at 4. He will be on the same position in the couch and a pile of dishes on the floor next to the couch. I just can't do it anymore. I suggested counseling for us and he didn't want to do it. I have read books on how to work through issues. He didn't want to do it. The straw that broke the camels back was in April when he threw a total complete tantrum in public about something that was minor. I wanted to kill him because it was WRONG. He yelled at me and said some rude things. I also have lost 80 lbs and am now a normal weight. He has been having a very hard time with it. He doesn't want a normal/fit wife. He prefers one with extra curves and will try to get me to eat bad food. I am constantly fighting to keep from going down the overweight road again. I want to lose about 15 lbs and know that if we stayed together I would gain it back. I don't want to go down the overweight road agian. I feel so emotionally dry right now. I cry sometimes but not as much as I thought. I move out of the house in exactly 8 weeks and he has been staying at his families. When I move out he is coming back into the home. He is giving me money monthly to help with rent since I am walking away form the house. It is is my separation agreement and he wanted to pay it. SO I am holding him to it. My friends are wanting me to go out at night but I really don't feel like it. I just am emotionally dry from wanting to do anything. I just am working through my emotions and how I feel. My luck I would meet someone and end up in the same situation I am now in a few years. I don't know what I want right now other than to heal and find myself.
James_H Posted July 24, 2011 Posted July 24, 2011 Well it has been almost a month since I told my hubby that I wanted a separation. We have been married for 7.5 years. There are no childern involved at all. When we got married it was on a complete impulse and not very much pre-thought. I met him in September and married him in November. He was a total rebound relationship and I wasn't thinking straight. I realized almost right away I made a mistake marrying him BUT I take my relationship seriously so I put forth a huge effort to make it work. Some of our challenges: He is gone for 1/2 the month for his job. The marriage failure rate is very high in his line of work. We are totally different social classes. I came from a very different upbringing than he did. My family taught me to be accepting of others that are different races than you. His family..they say some awful words to describe different races. I had to put a stop to that and still they disrespect me. He has zero initiative to do anything around the house. I mean absolutely nothing. I go into work at 530 am and come home at 4. He will be on the same position in the couch and a pile of dishes on the floor next to the couch. I just can't do it anymore. I suggested counseling for us and he didn't want to do it. I have read books on how to work through issues. He didn't want to do it. The straw that broke the camels back was in April when he threw a total complete tantrum in public about something that was minor. I wanted to kill him because it was WRONG. He yelled at me and said some rude things. I also have lost 80 lbs and am now a normal weight. He has been having a very hard time with it. He doesn't want a normal/fit wife. He prefers one with extra curves and will try to get me to eat bad food. I am constantly fighting to keep from going down the overweight road again. I want to lose about 15 lbs and know that if we stayed together I would gain it back. I don't want to go down the overweight road agian. I feel so emotionally dry right now. I cry sometimes but not as much as I thought. I move out of the house in exactly 8 weeks and he has been staying at his families. When I move out he is coming back into the home. He is giving me money monthly to help with rent since I am walking away form the house. It is is my separation agreement and he wanted to pay it. SO I am holding him to it. My friends are wanting me to go out at night but I really don't feel like it. I just am emotionally dry from wanting to do anything. I just am working through my emotions and how I feel. My luck I would meet someone and end up in the same situation I am now in a few years. I don't know what I want right now other than to heal and find myself. Hi KME39 - The fact that you've realized what a mistake it was rushing into the whole thing, is a big step in the right direction. I also have to commend you for sticking to your guns and trying to make it work! Unfortunately, "rebound" relationships hardly ever work (at least form what I've seen..). Thankfully I stayed a way from one, but along the way I got myself in a bad situation that might as well have been considered a rebound. Like yourself, I knew from the beginning that it wasn't good and that I shouldn't be there. However, I tried as best I knew how to make it work so I didn't feel like a failure. In your situation, I think the marriage was eventually doomed to fail. And even without kids when a spouse is gone that much for any job, it hurts the relationship and takes extra work to make things happen. Unfortunately, you also had to deal with the added stress of other people's prejudices towards not just yourself, but others as well. That's a sad thing and sometimes harder to understand and deal with! By my own admittance, I could've done more at home than what I did and I'm not at all proud of the fact. So in that sense I can see both sides of the fence. IMO, he doesn't care enough to try anything to make it work. It's clear that he expects you to do everything for him and wants you to even look a certain way. None of this is your fault, it's his! Just as you can't force someone to change, you can't make them happy either. I understand that your emotions are drained, you're hurt and confused. The best thing to do is to take care of yourself like you obviously are. Do that for however long it takes and everything else will fall in to place. Hold him to what you've agreed to and you'll be the better for it as well! Take the the time to heal and find where you want to be, find who you are. And from time to time, go out with a few friends and enjoy yourself, live your life! All the best for you...
pie2 Posted July 24, 2011 Posted July 24, 2011 I'm sorry for your situation. You must be exhausted, dealing with all this upheaval. IMO, I don't think that your marriage is doomed. I think you have a lot of power to change this situation. To begin, I think you're right about spending some time healing. I recommend getting individual counseling. It seems that both your husband and yourself have some difficulties with communication, and understanding the other's point of view. So, most likely, if you leave this man...it's almost a guarantee that you will run into this relationship pattern with the next guy. This is just my opinion based on reading one post, and should be taken with a grain (or two) of salt.
Author KME39 Posted July 24, 2011 Author Posted July 24, 2011 I'm sorry for your situation. You must be exhausted, dealing with all this upheaval. IMO, I don't think that your marriage is doomed. I think you have a lot of power to change this situation. To begin, I think you're right about spending some time healing. I recommend getting individual counseling. It seems that both your husband and yourself have some difficulties with communication, and understanding the other's point of view. So, most likely, if you leave this man...it's almost a guarantee that you will run into this relationship pattern with the next guy. This is just my opinion based on reading one post, and should be taken with a grain (or two) of salt. Pie.. I have been in therapy for over a year to come to this realization that no matter what I do or say it will not get better. I have done everything in my power to get him to help me more. He won't do it. His way of thinking is that the woman does it all. That is the way his father is, and we always go back to our family of origin unless you really want to break that pattern. He doesn't want to put forth that effort. I can't do anymore I am tired of doing everything. I also am continuing with therapy so that I break this pattern of dating/being with these type of men. I don't deserve it and nor do I want it. On the surface I am extremely successful woman with a great career (project manager/software enginner). At my job I have a no-BS way of doing work and get the job done. However, when it came to my relationship I turned into a doormat. That is my problem to fix, no one elses. I will get stronger and out go out with friends sometimes. I just have been through so much emotoinally that I want to stay at home with my dog and spend time with my horse.
James_H Posted July 24, 2011 Posted July 24, 2011 Focus on your therapy and your career, you'll be okay. Take care of yourself!
andyg99 Posted July 24, 2011 Posted July 24, 2011 My friends are wanting me to go out at night but I really don't feel like it. I just am emotionally dry from wanting to do anything. I just am working through my emotions and how I feel. My luck I would meet someone and end up in the same situation I am now in a few years. I don't know what I want right now other than to heal and find myself. so are your friends asking you to go out so you can meet someone? probably too soon for that, in fact it definitely is too soon for that. If they want to go out and see a movie, go to dinner or shop then maybe you should take them up on it... staying busy is good during tough times, it helps with the healing...
Author KME39 Posted July 25, 2011 Author Posted July 25, 2011 My friends know that I would rather stick dull needles in my eyes than meet anyone right now. I have gone out a few times to dinner with them and I feel like such a eeyore. They are dragging me out next weekend. I miss companionship but not enough to get into a rebound thing. Once I move and get settled into my new place I should feel better. I just am so sad in our martial home and seeing all of our stuff.
andyg99 Posted July 25, 2011 Posted July 25, 2011 My friends know that I would rather stick dull needles in my eyes than meet anyone right now. I have gone out a few times to dinner with them and I feel like such a eeyore. They are dragging me out next weekend. I miss companionship but not enough to get into a rebound thing. Once I move and get settled into my new place I should feel better. I just am so sad in our martial home and seeing all of our stuff. yes, it's not easy to be around memories... I bet when you do get settled there will be another period of sadness but that will pass and you will slowly get yourself back! hang in there, we are all here for you...
lostlife Posted July 25, 2011 Posted July 25, 2011 Pie.. I have been in therapy for over a year to come to this realization that no matter what I do or say it will not get better. I have done everything in my power to get him to help me more. He won't do it. His way of thinking is that the woman does it all. That is the way his father is, and we always go back to our family of origin unless you really want to break that pattern. He doesn't want to put forth that effort. I can't do anymore I am tired of doing everything. I'm in the same position that you are in, but I am the man. When we got together, she moved into my house. I always like for everything to be cleaned and laundry done, and not on an OCD level. She does nothing, I have seemed to be the only one that does the laundry, cleans dishes and picks up everything, there is no help from her or my stepson, and when I do say something about it, it's considered "B*itching" and she refuses to do anything, and she knows if something isn't done over a period of time that she said that she would do, she knows I will eventually do it. I just hate not to because it's my house. I feel like I am continually walked on, I guess that is why I am also in the separation to divorce stage.
Author KME39 Posted July 27, 2011 Author Posted July 27, 2011 OK...Today at work I had to restrain myself from going off on him. He has his bankruptcy that he is trying to do. Now I have to be involved in this and he has a appt on Thursday. I emailed him TWICE on what time the appt is on Thursday and got no answer. Today I emailed him again and said to him CALL me at work ASAP we need to talk. He called. I was like what time is the appt, I need to arrange my meeting schedule on Thursday to make sure I can get there. This is why we have issues, he doesn't get that I work for the Chief Information Office of one of the commands in the Navy. IF the guy says jump, I have to jump. I found the appt buried in my blackberry calendar but it was the point. I am trying to get stuff together for him and just needed him to bend for me. Our separation agreement has some things spelled out very clearly and it was notarized and signed. We are going to make an amendment becuase I am moving out. His bankruptcy lawyer wants me to take less support money. UM no..he committed to that dollar amount for one year and for ONCE I am going to hold him to it. I am going to pay joint bills, it is not like I am going to buy designer handbags and shoes. It is paying a tax bill and other stuff that is joint. Sorry..he pissed me off today. On top of everything else one of my *friends* was giving me **** for not going out tonight. I go in at 6 am and get up at 4:30 so I can exercise first. He is like come out tonight. UM no..I go to bed and don't want to go out.
Author KME39 Posted August 1, 2011 Author Posted August 1, 2011 Well things are up and down with how I feel. Sometimes I get the inkling that I was a total moron for ending the marriage but than he does something to remind me WHY I wanted this to end. My truck has been giving me fits for over a week now. On Thursday we saw his bankruptcy lawyer to review bills, the separation agreement etc. So I told him that I was going to run a few errands and I would come back and help him with the paperwork. I went to Kohls to look for a shirt to wear with my skirt, and started looking at what I need to get for apartment. I went out to start my truck and it wouldn't start. I called him and told him my truck was not working and that I won't get home. Now I know that we are going through a divorce/separation but really..you could have come and picked me up. Nope, I got the see you when I get back. Thanks..two hours it took for me to start my truck. Also...my blackberry died a final death, so I had no cell phone either.
hopesndreams Posted August 1, 2011 Posted August 1, 2011 Well it has been almost a month since I told my hubby that I wanted a separation. We have been married for 7.5 years. There are no childern involved at all. When we got married it was on a complete impulse and not very much pre-thought. I met him in September and married him in November. He was a total rebound relationship and I wasn't thinking straight. I realized almost right away I made a mistake marrying him BUT I take my relationship seriously so I put forth a huge effort to make it work. Some of our challenges: He is gone for 1/2 the month for his job. The marriage failure rate is very high in his line of work. We are totally different social classes. I came from a very different upbringing than he did. My family taught me to be accepting of others that are different races than you. His family..they say some awful words to describe different races. I had to put a stop to that and still they disrespect me. He has zero initiative to do anything around the house. I mean absolutely nothing. I go into work at 530 am and come home at 4. He will be on the same position in the couch and a pile of dishes on the floor next to the couch. I just can't do it anymore. I suggested counseling for us and he didn't want to do it. I have read books on how to work through issues. He didn't want to do it. The straw that broke the camels back was in April when he threw a total complete tantrum in public about something that was minor. I wanted to kill him because it was WRONG. He yelled at me and said some rude things. I also have lost 80 lbs and am now a normal weight. He has been having a very hard time with it. He doesn't want a normal/fit wife. He prefers one with extra curves and will try to get me to eat bad food. I am constantly fighting to keep from going down the overweight road again. I want to lose about 15 lbs and know that if we stayed together I would gain it back. I don't want to go down the overweight road agian. I feel so emotionally dry right now. I cry sometimes but not as much as I thought. I move out of the house in exactly 8 weeks and he has been staying at his families. When I move out he is coming back into the home. He is giving me money monthly to help with rent since I am walking away form the house. It is is my separation agreement and he wanted to pay it. SO I am holding him to it. My friends are wanting me to go out at night but I really don't feel like it. I just am emotionally dry from wanting to do anything. I just am working through my emotions and how I feel. My luck I would meet someone and end up in the same situation I am now in a few years. I don't know what I want right now other than to heal and find myself. Sounds like a marriage re-write. Who is the lucky new fella?
Author KME39 Posted August 1, 2011 Author Posted August 1, 2011 Um..no one. I don't have time nor desire to deal with another relationship. I have a young horse that needs my attention to get him trained. I have a extremely demanding job that wants my attention. For the frustration side of the house...there are other ways to take care of that. A woman's best friend is a set of DD batteries.
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