ctwatlanta Posted July 23, 2011 Posted July 23, 2011 I feel like my world is spiraling into the abyss right now. Background: We're both educated professionals and neither have been married before. I'm late 30's and she's 30 so about 10 yrs difference in age. I have a daughter that's 9 from a previous relationship years ago. I live with my daughter about 30 mins outside of the city where gf lives. We've known each other for a couple of years but started dating about 4 months ago and she got pregnant within a month. She transitioned to a new birth control method and there should have been a 2 month waiting period for adjustments...but neither of us knew. That said things were fantastic at first; however, in the past 2-3 weeks she has gotten extremely distant to me. She says I'm never there for her and that she feels like she's going through this completely alone. She rattled off a million things and basically I feel like I'm doing absolutely nothing right. Mind you, this came out of nowhere and it hit me like a ton of bricks. She is correct that we do not get to see each other often because we both travel for work during the week and I am a single dad to my 9 yr old girl. I cannot move closer to her in the city because of my court papers with my daughters mom...not to mention daughter attends school up here. Therefore, gf would have to move here...but she has no desire to move here because her work is inside city. She just told me yesterday that things aren't going to work out between us. I begged her not to do this. I want us to be together and have a family. She said there is no way she would marry me. I don't want to go through this again like I did 9 years ago with my other little girl's mom. I realize I can't make her change her mind but at this point there's nothing I can do. I feel like I'm losing her and my unborn child and my world is upside down. Everyone keeps saying it's just hormones...but she says it's not. In fact, I talked her into having lunch today with my daughter and me and she called me 2 hours ago and said she was sick and not feeling well so she cancelled on us. I asked her if I could see her tomorrow night and she said she had plans with her best friend. I fly out Monday morning and won't be back until Friday and asked her if we could see each other next weekend...no response whatsoever. I've not see her in 3 weeks now and I barely even get a txt msg from her any longer.
tigressA Posted July 23, 2011 Posted July 23, 2011 Hm. Sounds like it could be a case of her just wanting a sperm donor. How did she act with regard to news of the pregnancy?
Art_Critic Posted July 23, 2011 Posted July 23, 2011 Just guessing here.. but it seems that she feels you are only one foot in and one foot out of the relationship. She has made comments that she feels she is doing it alone.. well it seems like she is.. Have you thought about proposing to her with a ring ? Is your heart really in this ? Your hands are tied becuase of the court papers but you are right she may have to move where you are.. Well ??? She isn't your wife and I'd bet 100-1 that she feels you will let her down in the respect that if she quits her job to move with you you need to step up and marry her.. you also will have a SAH Mom for a while too... It doesn't sound lost.. it just seems you need to step up and help make it all right.. By the way.. have you thought about getting an attorney to look into altering the court papers ? Things change an judges know that as well.. just a thought
Art_Critic Posted July 23, 2011 Posted July 23, 2011 Hm. Sounds like it could be a case of her just wanting a sperm donor. How did she act with regard to news of the pregnancy? How the OP acted is also something to consider... I'd be curious to hear if he proposed to her ?.. if he did with a ring and was all in and she turned him down then maybe she just isn't into it.. but if he hasn't then maybe she is just reacting to his actions..
123321 Posted July 23, 2011 Posted July 23, 2011 She got you by the balls first and now she will have you by the wallet. Men have no reproductive rights to speak of and yet we get a huge part of the responsibilities. Part of the penis tax, sorry to hear it's falling on you buddy. Prepare for 20 years of paying for a child who dislikes you.
tigressA Posted July 23, 2011 Posted July 23, 2011 How the OP acted is also something to consider... I'd be curious to hear if he proposed to her ?.. if he did with a ring and was all in and she turned him down then maybe she just isn't into it.. but if he hasn't then maybe she is just reacting to his actions.. They've known each other for a couple years but only have been dating for 4 months, and she got pregnant within the first month! I think that's way too soon to be proposing. I also think it's way too soon to be pregnant, but that cat's already out of the bag. And I don't know about the OP's GF, but I certainly wouldn't want a guy proposing marriage to me just because I'm carrying our child.
Art_Critic Posted July 23, 2011 Posted July 23, 2011 They've known each other for a couple years but only have been dating for 4 months, and she got pregnant within the first month! I think that's way too soon to be proposing. I also think it's way too soon to be pregnant, but that cat's already out of the bag. And I don't know about the OP's GF, but I certainly wouldn't want a guy proposing marriage to me just because I'm carrying our child. Would you want to be pregnant with someone who didn't want to marry you ? Even if they didn't get married right away what is wrong with a man proposing to her ?.. they could be engaged for years... Getting married to raise a child.. while it isn't ideal there are worse things such as what he is facing... He did say he wanted to build a life together with her and a family..
Art_Critic Posted July 23, 2011 Posted July 23, 2011 By the way... 30 mins travel time is nothing in the scheme of things for her to drive to work.. I drive 30-40 mins to work everyday.. she could do the same.. I know people who routinely drive 45+ mins to work each day.. Atlanta traffic.. if that is where you are at is miserable no matter where you live..
tigressA Posted July 23, 2011 Posted July 23, 2011 Would you want to be pregnant with someone who didn't want to marry you ? Even if they didn't get married right away what is wrong with a man proposing to her ?.. they could be engaged for years... Getting married to raise a child.. while it isn't ideal there are worse things such as what he is facing... He did say he wanted to build a life together with her and a family.. Not sure there would be much of a point to his shaping up and implementing a plan to build a life with her, as she's been avoiding him for the last several weeks and has made it abundantly clear she doesn't want to see him.
Art_Critic Posted July 23, 2011 Posted July 23, 2011 She got pregnant 3 months ago.. not weeks ago.. so his actions between the time she got pregnant and 2-3 weeks ago I'd bet are what is putting the nails in the coffin. Just saying... It could be that she just wanted a sperm donor... but to me she sounds like she is acting scared more than anything.. unsure of her future...
AmEricanWomann Posted July 23, 2011 Posted July 23, 2011 I feel for you, but let me ask you this. How much of what she's saying is true? Does she have a point? Do you feel you've been there for her as much as you could have? I understand you have your job and your daughter to take care of and can't be as available as someone who isnt yet a parent and who lives nearby. But do you think any of her complaints are legitimate? Maybe she wants to be with you, but she's just afraid of being taken for granted and ignored once you have her. Im not saying that you should change who you are, but are you willing to compromise to be with her and of course do you think she might compromise for you. If she wants EVERYTHING her way, then it wont work out. Of course there is the possibility that she just wanted to get pregnant, never really intended to be with you and is just using her "reasons" as excuses. Good luck and I hope it all works out for you.
zengirl Posted July 23, 2011 Posted July 23, 2011 Would you want to be pregnant with someone who didn't want to marry you ? Even if they didn't get married right away what is wrong with a man proposing to her ?.. they could be engaged for years... Getting married to raise a child.. while it isn't ideal there are worse things such as what he is facing... He did say he wanted to build a life together with her and a family.. I think there's some merit to this. They could be engaged without getting married right away. It's a crap situation to be in, but it kind of makes things "All in" or "All out" sadly. We've known each other for a couple of years but started dating about 4 months ago and she got pregnant within a month. She transitioned to a new birth control method and there should have been a 2 month waiting period for adjustments...but neither of us knew. That said things were fantastic at first; however, in the past 2-3 weeks she has gotten extremely distant to me. She says I'm never there for her and that she feels like she's going through this completely alone. She rattled off a million things and basically I feel like I'm doing absolutely nothing right. Mind you, this came out of nowhere and it hit me like a ton of bricks. However, if she won't be with you, she won't be with you. I'd express the serious at which you want to have a family and be with her as best you can and then its in her court. Even if she says it's not hormones, I'm sure hormones and also the psychological ramifications of the situation hitting her hard and not helping matters. But there's nothing you can do on either of those counts, except assert how THERE you are for her, if it is in fact your intention to be there (which it sounds like it is).
Author ctwatlanta Posted July 24, 2011 Author Posted July 24, 2011 I feel for you, but let me ask you this. How much of what she's saying is true? Does she have a point? Do you feel you've been there for her as much as you could have? I understand you have your job and your daughter to take care of and can't be as available as someone who isnt yet a parent and who lives nearby. But do you think any of her complaints are legitimate? Maybe she wants to be with you, but she's just afraid of being taken for granted and ignored once you have her. Im not saying that you should change who you are, but are you willing to compromise to be with her and of course do you think she might compromise for you. If she wants EVERYTHING her way, then it wont work out. Of course there is the possibility that she just wanted to get pregnant, never really intended to be with you and is just using her "reasons" as excuses. Good luck and I hope it all works out for you. Thank you everyone for the words of wisdom. I'll try to answer the questions I've seen pop up. Do I think there's some legitimacy to gf's claims that I've closed myself off to her and been unemotional? Yes, I believe I have at times. It's never been intentional or malicious in any way though. I realize that I was jaded after my long-term 5 yr relationship ended with my 9 yr old's mom. This was years ago and I've been raising my daughter up here and it's been just us. However, I met my gf and fell for her hard but still kept myself guarded. I have to be guarded though because I've got a 9 yr old girl I'm responsible for and I cannot just let anyone into our lives on a whim. I was slowly bringing the gf into the picture with my daughter...but remember, we've only been together a few months! I've not been perfect but who is? One thing I've learned in life is that it does take two people for a relationship to work and it takes two people for it NOT TO WORK. Never have I seen a relationship be completely one-sided. What shocks me the most is that she just quit on me after 3 months! Mind you, this isn't just any relationship you can walk away from with no consequences. We have a child coming in 6 months and no matter what she thinks we're linked together for the rest of our lives! I've just been spinning because she quit and walked away so quickly, and without really giving me any chance to even redeem myself. At the very least I thought she would want to "try" and work things out...at least for our unborn child.
Author ctwatlanta Posted July 24, 2011 Author Posted July 24, 2011 Thank you everyone for the words of wisdom. I'll try to answer the questions I've seen pop up. Do I think there's some legitimacy to gf's claims that I've closed myself off to her and been unemotional? Yes, I believe I have at times. It's never been intentional or malicious in any way though. I realize that I was jaded after my long-term 5 yr relationship ended with my 9 yr old's mom. This was years ago and I've been raising my daughter up here and it's been just us. However, I met my gf and fell for her hard but still kept myself guarded. I have to be guarded though because I've got a 9 yr old girl I'm responsible for and I cannot just let anyone into our lives on a whim. I was slowly bringing the gf into the picture with my daughter...but remember, we've only been together a few months! I've not been perfect but who is? One thing I've learned in life is that it does take two people for a relationship to work and it takes two people for it NOT TO WORK. Never have I seen a relationship be completely one-sided. What shocks me the most is that she just quit on me after 3 months! Mind you, this isn't just any relationship you can walk away from with no consequences. We have a child coming in 6 months and no matter what she thinks we're linked together for the rest of our lives! I've just been spinning because she quit and walked away so quickly, and without really giving me any chance to even redeem myself. At the very least I thought she would want to "try" and work things out...at least for our unborn child. BTW, one other question posed I saw was "Did you offer up marriage to the gf upon learning about pregnancy?" The gf was completely adamant that we not get married. She felt that just because two people are having a baby doesn't dictate marriage. We had only been dating 1 month when she got pregnant; therefore, she wanted to continue dating and learn about each other...and THEN get married later.
tigressA Posted July 24, 2011 Posted July 24, 2011 Thank you everyone for the words of wisdom. I'll try to answer the questions I've seen pop up. Do I think there's some legitimacy to gf's claims that I've closed myself off to her and been unemotional? Yes, I believe I have at times. It's never been intentional or malicious in any way though. I realize that I was jaded after my long-term 5 yr relationship ended with my 9 yr old's mom. This was years ago and I've been raising my daughter up here and it's been just us. However, I met my gf and fell for her hard but still kept myself guarded. I have to be guarded though because I've got a 9 yr old girl I'm responsible for and I cannot just let anyone into our lives on a whim. I was slowly bringing the gf into the picture with my daughter...but remember, we've only been together a few months! I've not been perfect but who is? One thing I've learned in life is that it does take two people for a relationship to work and it takes two people for it NOT TO WORK. Never have I seen a relationship be completely one-sided. What shocks me the most is that she just quit on me after 3 months! Mind you, this isn't just any relationship you can walk away from with no consequences. We have a child coming in 6 months and no matter what she thinks we're linked together for the rest of our lives! I've just been spinning because she quit and walked away so quickly, and without really giving me any chance to even redeem myself. At the very least I thought she would want to "try" and work things out...at least for our unborn child. I think the fact that she just up and walked away and is refusing to see or talk to you says a whole lot about her, and none of it is very good. Like you said, she's going to be bringing a child into the world that the two of you created, and she can't just run away from you. You haven't given any examples of what you've done to supposedly push her away, but I doubt it justifies her actions. You already have a young daughter and you two haven't been together long at all; of course you should maintain your guard a bit for the sake of your child. Being a parent comes first.
manders_01 Posted July 24, 2011 Posted July 24, 2011 Could she be avoiding you because she's no longer pregnant either because of an abortion or a miscarriage? If it's the former, she may not want to explain her actions to you. If it's the latter, she may find it too painful.
Art_Critic Posted July 24, 2011 Posted July 24, 2011 Could she be avoiding you because she's no longer pregnant either because of an abortion or a miscarriage? If it's the former, she may not want to explain her actions to you. If it's the latter, she may find it too painful. Hummm.. yeah.. that certainly would fit from what he posted...
Author ctwatlanta Posted July 24, 2011 Author Posted July 24, 2011 No, she's definitely still pregnant. We were together at the dr's office 2 weeks ago for a sonogram and I got to hear the heartbeat for the first time. I feel like she thinks she made a mistake and just happened to get pregnant by a guy she didn't know well and now realizes she doesn't care for... It hurts terribly as I want to have a family and be there for her and this baby, but I'm not allowed too. What angers me also are there are so many single mothers I know that tell me she is out of her mind. I'm a fantastic, loving dad and very family oriented. I want it to work but I can't make her.
whichwayisup Posted July 24, 2011 Posted July 24, 2011 You are the father of this baby and have rights, so she can't just cut you out of the baby's life because she changed her mind about being with you as a couple. You two don't have to be a couple, but you can co parent together and have shared custody. Sure, it's not what you thought it was going to be, a family unit as one under one roof, but this can work if you want it to. Hopefully she will relax and not be cruel...Maybe an understanding and a casual friendship can happen since this IS your child too, not just hers.
whichwayisup Posted July 24, 2011 Posted July 24, 2011 What angers me also are there are so many single mothers I know that tell me she is out of her mind. I'm a fantastic, loving dad and very family oriented. I want it to work but I can't make her. Give her time, be understanding and firm, but don't piss her off .. In the meantime, talk to a lawyer, know your rights!
carhill Posted July 24, 2011 Posted July 24, 2011 OP, since your daughter's mother apparently cheated on you, as well as your most recent girlfriend before this one, perhaps, in addition to seeing a lawyer to ascertain your best course of action in this particular situation, take some alone time to reconsider your people picker and the ladies who you choose to focus your attention on. Since you're in your 40's (at least in the linked thread; unclear why you changed that fact for this thread), you have a lot of life experience under your belt. Time to consolidate it. My best life lesson is that women do what they do. It's outside of my control. All I can do is pick and invest in those who demonstrate aspects of compatibility, whether as friends or lovers. That's an infinitesimally small number of people. Choose wisely. Good luck.
Author ctwatlanta Posted July 25, 2011 Author Posted July 25, 2011 Carhill, yes I agree that what people do is out of your control. BTW, I didn't mean to alter my age in this thread but some people get off tangent and start focusing on the age thing rather than the problem. We are almost exactly 11 yrs difference in age. Also, I think I've got a pretty good track record of picking great people to date. You are correct... My daughter's mother did cheat on me 10 years ago when I was with her at the ripe old age of 30. I then spent those 10 years raising my daughter as a single dad. I never dated anyone serious because my focus was on my little girl. Now that she's older I felt it was time for me to start dating again. I dated one young woman back in November 2010 and realized within a month she was a bad apple...and that's the thread you highlighted. I broke up with her the first of January. So, I've really only had a couple of bad experiences in 40 years...so I don't think that's too bad. In this case I've known her for 2.5 years and we were friends first. We started dating 4+ months ago and it really was great. She and I got along very well and then she got pregnant unexpectedly. The first 2.5 months of her pregnancy were great...but within the last 2-3 weeks she became a totally different person. Crying one minute, happy the next, etc. It's like a roller coaster. I'd like to ask you and anyone else advice in another msg. Thank you again for your thoughts.
Author ctwatlanta Posted July 25, 2011 Author Posted July 25, 2011 I think the fact that she just up and walked away and is refusing to see or talk to you says a whole lot about her, and none of it is very good. Like you said, she's going to be bringing a child into the world that the two of you created, and she can't just run away from you. You haven't given any examples of what you've done to supposedly push her away, but I doubt it justifies her actions. You already have a young daughter and you two haven't been together long at all; of course you should maintain your guard a bit for the sake of your child. Being a parent comes first. tigressA...thanks for the advice as well. Update is below... Here's what really has me topsy-turvy. When she blew up at me this past Friday and told me she didn't believe she and I would work out I, of course, asked what went wrong. She said that I didn't focus on her and didn't make her feel special, etc. She also said we didn't see each other much, which is true because we both travel much for work, and I've got my daughter. I told her that we could resolve this problem by her moving closer to me. Remember, I cannot move because of my current court papers with my daughters mom. So, I offered to buy her a home near me...and she refused! She said that because I never made her feel special, etc. that she did not want to move everything near me and us not work out because she would be "stuck". Instead, she wants to live closer to her mom because she can help her. I can somewhat understand that point of view because I'm not sure I'd want to pack up and move everything to be near someone that I wasn't sure it would work out with. However, how do you get to see each other more and spend more time with each other without taking the chance??? I believe she's being selfish because it seems like it's about "her" rather than us (me, her and BABY). I've never seen anyone so quickly willing to dismiss this. As mentioned, I could possibly understand it if we were just casually dating and you can walk away with no repercussions; however, we have a child involved and I personally think you give it everything you can to make it work out when you have a baby involved. She, on the other hand, has dated me a couple of months and feels unhappy with the amount of attention I've shown her...but when I ask to work on things she's not willing to try??? I know people that work harder on their relationships and they don't even have a child involved! That said she's really giving me so many mixed signals. When she said I didn't show her enough attention and that I didn't care enough I asked her what I needed to do to correct it. She said "Don't tell me how much you care, show me how much you care!" and "actions speak louder than words". So, I've being trying to prove to her that actions speak louder than words by offering to do whatever was necessary...and what do I get in return? Silence...nothing! Well, to be frank she did send me one txt msg last night that said "I hope you have a great road trip this week!". I had to fly here to NYC this week for meetings. When I received her msg last night I replied back that I hoped I could see her when I returned, and that I missed her terribly, and to take care of herself and our baby. Again...zero response. In the past I could barely hit the SEND button before she would reply back. Now I get nothing in response. She didn't even respond back and say let's get together when you return this weekend. Right now I feel like I'm just chasing and getting absolutely nothing in return. In fact, I feel like I'm pushing her further away...despite the fact I'm doing what she wants me to do, which is show her I am willing to do whatever it takes. I feel like she thinks "I'm in control now and I'm going to let him grovel for a while". So, I feel like I'm damned if I do, damned if I don't. At this point I don't know if I should keep trying or not. She asked me to show her "actions" and when I do I get no response hardly...but if I don't keep trying then she could say "you don't care". Damned if I do, damned if I don't. Again, you guys don't realize how much it means to just be able to talk about things with someone. I'm so grateful for this website as you all do make me feel better.
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