11ni22 Posted July 23, 2011 Posted July 23, 2011 Hi All.. This is not my first thread here. My problem is this. I have always been single. Ever since I was 16, my thoughts have always been about having a girlfriend. Now I am 26. I am still single. The reasons for this are many. I think I take women and the dating thing in general way too seriously. I am a reasonably good-looking guy (been complimented more than a few times). I have great communication skills. I have a Master's degree in Engineering and make enough money to be able to lead a comfortable life. My only concern is my love-life. I come off as a confident, witty guy. In other words, the kind of guy whose company women would enjoy. However, while on a date I almost always screw things up (e.g., kissing the girl too early, saying something that would give away that I am needy, etc.). Because of this, I have blown my chances some really interesting women. These are women who were so excited to go out with me in the first place. After a date or two they would be completely turned off and break off communication. How can I avoid this desperation? Until recently, I had been able to compartmentalize things. My personal/love life had no effect on how good I was at work. But I am having trouble focusing at work these days. I feel lonely all the time. Like something is missing from my life. I move every few months, which means I don't usually have stable group of friends I can hang out with. Please tell me what I must do.
ptp Posted July 23, 2011 Posted July 23, 2011 I can only speak for myself but, for me it comes down to: I am okay with being alone. I am only child and my parents moved around a lot when I was a kid so I was always the new kid in school etc.... Those experiences taught me 2 things: - How to make friends with people from all walks of life - How to feel okay being along (only child + no friends in a new place) While I want a relationship, I am ,more than comfortable being along (since I have so much experience with it) working on my life, hanging out with friends/family. I never feel the need to be in relationship.
Author 11ni22 Posted July 23, 2011 Author Posted July 23, 2011 I can only speak for myself but, for me it comes down to: I am okay with being alone. I am only child and my parents moved around a lot when I was a kid so I was always the new kid in school etc.... Those experiences taught me 2 things: - How to make friends with people from all walks of life - How to feel okay being along (only child + no friends in a new place) While I want a relationship, I am ,more than comfortable being along (since I have so much experience with it) working on my life, hanging out with friends/family. I never feel the need to be in relationship. ptp, when you say, "I have so much experience with it.." do you mean you are used to being alone? Or are you experienced in relationships but still prefer being alone? I have been alone for many years now and it's getting to me. The success I have at work does not have the same sweetness anymore. I can't help but feel that way.
somedude81 Posted July 23, 2011 Posted July 23, 2011 How to avoid being desperate? Your insight ? Hookers? I don't know. You seem to be doing better than me. I haven't kissed a girl in years.
Author 11ni22 Posted July 23, 2011 Author Posted July 23, 2011 Hookers? I don't know. You seem to be doing better than me. I haven't kissed a girl in years. Others have suggested hookers, too. Not my thing. A girl who is pretending to have fun just because you pay her is HUGE turn-off for me, personally.
ptp Posted July 23, 2011 Posted July 23, 2011 ptp, when you say, "I have so much experience with it.." do you mean you are used to being alone? Or are you experienced in relationships but still prefer being alone? I have been alone for many years now and it's getting to me. The success I have at work does not have the same sweetness anymore. I can't help but feel that way. No no no, I have only had 3-4 meaningful GFs. What I meant is that I have a lot of experience being alone because when you are an only child and you move around a lot, you find yourself without siblings and without friends. Women can smell desperation like dogs smell fear. When I am on a date, I think, I like this girl, I never think I need this girl or need to be in a relationship. I imagine it would help having multiple dates lined up as well. So you could say if this date doesn't work out, I still have 3 other dates to to on. But, you have a huge advantage in that you are good looking. I am at best average looking, I have to convince girls to go out with me.
Author 11ni22 Posted July 23, 2011 Author Posted July 23, 2011 No no no, I have only had 3-4 meaningful GFs. What I meant is that I have a lot of experience being alone because when you are an only child and you move around a lot, you find yourself without siblings and without friends. Women can smell desperation like dogs smell fear. When I am on a date, I think, I like this girl, I never think I need this girl or need to be in a relationship. I imagine it would help having multiple dates lined up as well. So you could say if this date doesn't work out, I still have 3 other dates to to on. But, you have a huge advantage in that you are good looking. I am at best average looking, I have to convince girls to go out with me. By the way, I am only reasonably good looking. I dress well and try to be well-groomed. That helps. And I think looks is not everything with women. It doesn't hurt, but for a woman to like there has to be some kind of chemistry which in most cases goes beyond looks.
Author 11ni22 Posted July 23, 2011 Author Posted July 23, 2011 No no no, I have only had 3-4 meaningful GFs. Women can smell desperation like dogs smell fear. When I am on a date, I think, I like this girl, I never think I need this girl or need to be in a relationship. I imagine it would help having multiple dates lined up as well. So you could say if this date doesn't work out, I still have 3 other dates to to on. I live in a small town. It's soo difficult to meet eligible single women. It is a big deal if I have a date every couple of weeks. Not to mention having 3-4 dates lined up..
KathyM Posted July 23, 2011 Posted July 23, 2011 Hi All.. This is not my first thread here. My problem is this. I have always been single. Ever since I was 16, my thoughts have always been about having a girlfriend. Now I am 26. I am still single. The reasons for this are many. I think I take women and the dating thing in general way too seriously. I am a reasonably good-looking guy (been complimented more than a few times). I have great communication skills. I have a Master's degree in Engineering and make enough money to be able to lead a comfortable life. My only concern is my love-life. I come off as a confident, witty guy. In other words, the kind of guy whose company women would enjoy. However, while on a date I almost always screw things up (e.g., kissing the girl too early, saying something that would give away that I am needy, etc.). Because of this, I have blown my chances some really interesting women. These are women who were so excited to go out with me in the first place. After a date or two they would be completely turned off and break off communication. How can I avoid this desperation? Until recently, I had been able to compartmentalize things. My personal/love life had no effect on how good I was at work. But I am having trouble focusing at work these days. I feel lonely all the time. Like something is missing from my life. I move every few months, which means I don't usually have stable group of friends I can hang out with. Please tell me what I must do. I don't see how you can establish a relationship with any woman if you move every few months. What would be the point? You'd have to break it off after a few months. I would suggest finding a job that gives you more stability where you could stay in the same location. Then try a relationship coach, or "date doctor" as they are sometimes called. He can work with you on your approach with women. Focus on getting to know a woman as a person and don't mention how much you want a girlfriend, or how you haven't ever had a girlfriend, or anything about your dating life. Just say you've dated some, but never found the right one. Don't kiss her until the end of the first date, and make it a nice, sensual, kiss, but not too long. Call her the next day to say you had a great time last night and see if she would be interested in going out the next weekend. Plan a time and place for the next date if she is interested. Don't come on as overly anxious, just interested. No frequent phone calls. No too frequent dates. It reeks of desperation when you come on too strong. Do call that relationship coach. I think they'd have some good ideas when they can see and talk to you and give you specific instructions. People on the internet don't get the whole picture. Only what is stated in your OP.
ptp Posted July 23, 2011 Posted July 23, 2011 (edited) 11ni22, Read KathyM's post. Here is how I do it: - I usually do not try for a 1st date kiss unless I am sure the girl is really in to me. If she really likes me there will be plenty of kisses, if she doesn't then I don't need a kiss from a girl I took out just once. - I almost never call the day after the 1st date. I will call her when I feel I am am good and ready. I am probably weird but, I never feel that I need call a girl regardless of how much I liked the 1st date. - After a date, it isn't about you impressing her, she has to impress you to. You have to be compatible right? Edited July 23, 2011 by ptp
Author 11ni22 Posted July 23, 2011 Author Posted July 23, 2011 I don't see how you can establish a relationship with any woman if you move every few months. What would be the point? You'd have to break it off after a few months. I would suggest finding a job that gives you more stability where you could stay in the same location. Then try a relationship coach, or "date doctor" as they are sometimes called. He can work with you on your approach with women. Focus on getting to know a woman as a person and don't mention how much you want a girlfriend, or how you haven't ever had a girlfriend, or anything about your dating life. Just say you've dated some, but never found the right one. Don't kiss her until the end of the first date, and make it a nice, sensual, kiss, but not too long. Call her the next day to say you had a great time last night and see if she would be interested in going out the next weekend. Plan a time and place for the next date if she is interested. Don't come on as overly anxious, just interested. No frequent phone calls. No too frequent dates. It reeks of desperation when you come on too strong. Do call that relationship coach. I think they'd have some good ideas when they can see and talk to you and give you specific instructions. People on the internet don't get the whole picture. Only what is stated in your OP. Thanks, KathyM. I think I make my move (kissing, touching) early rather than late for fear that I might end up in the friend zone. But since I overdo it, it tends to come off as creepy. Assuming you are a woman, what are your thoughts on kissing on the first date vs not kissing? Which of the following is better: 1. Taking a risk and kissing gently on the lips at the end of the first date or 2. Respect her personal space and wait until the second date to kiss her for the first time.
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