road Posted July 28, 2011 Posted July 28, 2011 I know. But at least not by the 2 that are on ignore. I agree with you. Whichever path the BS chooses will be very tough and will call upon all their strength. There is no one size fits all solution. My only concern for someone who does not forgive is how that may cause difficulty in building a healthy, new relationship with someone else. You (general) cannot keep living in the past and hold onto pain to an extent whereby it stops you from being emotionally healthy. Anger eats away the person. anne danced and is making her BH pay the band. Placing her material health ahead of here BH's mental health. How come she is always putting herself first? Needed some strange gets an OM. Whatever it is, she never gives up anything. She doesn't have to she just makes her BH pick up the tab.
confusedinkansas Posted July 28, 2011 Posted July 28, 2011 Your husband is such a solidly wonderful guy that I really struggle to understand why you felt the need to cheat on him in the first place. Sometimes it takes something like this in a realtionship for one to realize how great their spouse really is.
road Posted July 28, 2011 Posted July 28, 2011 To add: Then anne pretends to act mad when the OM looks at her like she is a wolf looking at a T bone steak. Lip service now. She liked the looks she got back then from the OM. And anne gave lip service and then some back then with a smile on them lips.
Untouchable_Fire Posted July 28, 2011 Posted July 28, 2011 Sometimes it takes something like this in a realtionship for one to realize how great their spouse really is. I suppose that sounds nice. Personally, I'm really happy for JaneyA. I'm sure that a good part of the reason her H is willing to stick this out is her. She has really done a good job of focusing on the marriage and trying to fix things. Still the whole thing just makes me sad. I don't see why they even had to be here in the first place. An affair doesn't make you into someone different. They are the same now as before... so was this whole episode really necessary?
Tech_E Posted July 28, 2011 Posted July 28, 2011 Still the whole thing just makes me sad. I don't see why they even had to be here in the first place. An affair doesn't make you into someone different. They are the same now as before... so was this whole episode really necessary? Amen to that, amen to that. Well said.
Disillusioned_Wife Posted July 28, 2011 Posted July 28, 2011 It's not a matter of what they actually are, which is not for the WS to judge. It's a matter of how the WS perceives the BS's behavior. OP perceived the e-mail from her BS as valuable because it made her feel good. It validated her. But it wasn't enough in itself. She posted it to get supplementary validation, to feel good about herself, from others on the internet. But as whammy pointed out, this is the same man she cheated on. OP doesn't say anything about her H's behavior has changed as a result of the affair. He was no less of a "nice guy" before the affair then he is right now. It didn't stop her from cheating though. Sorry, newbie here (I'm a BS btw). Just wanted to toss my 2 cents in here on the bold up there. Validation, both ways, is part of a marriage isn't it? If one doesn't validate their partner or how they feel or what they need then wouldn't that be a disrespectful thing and a lack of emotional intimacy? Psychologically, the human being - it's ego and id - need validation, approval and acceptance from a significant other (and I use the term SO to include parental presence as well, SO doesn't necessarily mean a partner but a family member in general - my definition). As for her not saying anything about his behavior not changing - that's taking a very LONG assumption on their personal life isn't it? How do we know either way - we don't unless the BS pipes up here and says something. I've been reading these forums for months on and off. In fact, almost a year before even joining. Why you ask? Because of negative posts like yours. I get it (believe me I do) you're hurt. You are projecting your personal experiences onto others (regardless of BS or WS or OW or OM). It says a lot that one commits to these acts of projection of emotions. You're not yet healed enough, I get that too. I'm there myself. It's natural, it's normal and it's called being human. I just wish more people would take the time to copy edit their posts and look at it with logic - is it productive to bash back and forth? Is it productive to dump on another person? Is it productive to fight over technicalities? Does she not make effort to change? Has her BS not made his own personal choices in life (in this case to stay and work on the marriage)? Do you have to live with it? I've learned a lot about "detachment" in the last 7 months post DDay with my WS. I've learned to speak logic and work through emotions (albeit I have my days where I become the psycho b!tch from he!! and freak out all over again). I can see a lot of hurt in your posts, it's rather palpable. I only hope that you can find peace in your choices and life as much as others on here have. I quoted your post but my post goes out to all those who are hurting as BSs not just you. I hope you don't take this personally, it wasn't meant to be, just used your post as a jumping off point into this thread.
Equinox Posted July 28, 2011 Posted July 28, 2011 What I was trying to say is that for some, not forgiving can lead to problems in future relationships . Others may not forgive but let go of the past, learn from it and move on I like that anne. I can think of...certain posters that would be affected by the bolded. *cough* Everybody forgives in different ways. Personally, I can cut somebody off on an emotional level instantly, if I have to. Whatever works.
Disillusioned_Wife Posted July 29, 2011 Posted July 29, 2011 Your reply to DW was incredibly rude and defensive. I hope you don't run her off as she sounds like an incredibly smart woman who has great insight and is doing well on her journey to healing. Takes way more than that to run me off. I'm incredibly resilient BB. No worries, I've seen his\her type before many a time on other boards. If I can throw down with FU dot com (spell that one out lol) and a board full of hormonal (including myself) moms cycling together I can pretty much handle anything. Thank you for the compliments. I still stick by my hopes for healing for RM, whatever that healing may be for.
GorillaTheater Posted July 29, 2011 Posted July 29, 2011 How many alts do you have, kidd? Don't worry about it, RM. I'm sure you're still in the lead.
Tech_E Posted July 29, 2011 Posted July 29, 2011 DW, good for you for not letting him run you off. He's done the same thing with a few other posters. Just put him on ignore, because he won't stop. Welcome to LS by the way.
Tech_E Posted July 31, 2011 Posted July 31, 2011 From reading your posts, it looks like you have a long history of condescension towards posters. Maybe you should take your own advice and work on YOUR issues. It didn't take you long to figure him out did it....
confusedinkansas Posted August 2, 2011 Posted August 2, 2011 because his wife betrayed his trust and slept with another man, yet he still reconciles with her. The only reason he did is that he probably has a low self esteem and thinks that OP is the best he can do so he sticks to her. Nothing to do with love just self esteem and availability. But i digress he is still a doormat. So what you're saying is that every single strong willed, strong minded man out there that decides he loves his wife & that the marriage CAN work........Those guys are all DOORMAT'S? Wow - Janey's husband is hardly in the minority. Many of you would be SHOCKED at how many men out there (& women too) take their spouses back......work on the marriage (whatever that entails) & have SUCCESSFUL, HAPPY & FULFILLING LIVES. My husband stayed with me - NOT a doormat. NO self esteem problems either. He (probably like Janey's husband too) Loves me enough to work thru our issues. I know that's UNACCEPTABLE behavior for some of you ....... But weirder things have happened in life. Doormat? Sheesh:rolleyes: It takes a MUCH STRONGER man to STAY in a marriage than one that RUNS AWAY.
Tech_E Posted August 2, 2011 Posted August 2, 2011 It takes a MUCH STRONGER man to STAY in a marriage than one that RUNS AWAY. I won't disagree with your post in it's entirety because there are some points in there that I completely agree with. I would like to qualify this by saying if a WS determines they cannot bear the betrayal and they terminate the marriage, then they are not necessarily running away. I know you aren't saying that specifically, but I wanted to state it anyway. It takes tremendous strength and resolve on BOTH sides of an affair to get past it. As many of us know it can takes years and years. However; if both sides are willing partcipants it can succeed.
confusedinkansas Posted August 2, 2011 Posted August 2, 2011 I won't disagree with your post in it's entirety because there are some points in there that I completely agree with. I would like to qualify this by saying if a WS determines they cannot bear the betrayal and they terminate the marriage, then they are not necessarily running away. I know you aren't saying that specifically, but I wanted to state it anyway. It takes tremendous strength and resolve on BOTH sides of an affair to get past it. As many of us know it can takes years and years. However; if both sides are willing partcipants it can succeed. Exactly. I know there are people out there that cannot under any circumstances deal with a situation such as infidelity. I get it. Staying with someone that's cheated on you can't be easy at all. But for some posters to say that men (people) are doormat's & insecure for staying....well - it's just not true.
Bittersweetie Posted August 2, 2011 Posted August 2, 2011 But for some posters to say that men (people) are doormat's & insecure for staying....well - it's just not true. Exactly. My H is the BS and I don't see how anyone could call him a doormat or weak. He laid it all out on the table after d-day...if we were going to work on things, these were his expectations of me, our relationship, my actions, and that was it. Anything else and he was out the door. He is the strongest person I know and I am very, very lucky to be with him.
rafallus Posted August 2, 2011 Posted August 2, 2011 Still, someone might consider staying with cheater automatically doormatish, that's their point of view, and they have a right to have one. You can disagree all you want, call them names, etc. but it won't change jack ****.
anne1707 Posted August 2, 2011 Posted August 2, 2011 Still, someone might consider staying with cheater automatically doormatish, that's their point of view, and they have a right to have one. You can disagree all you want, call them names, etc. but it won't change jack ****. Maybe not. But my opinion is not just an opinion, it is fact. My H is not a doormat and any suggestion that he is one is way off the mark. It is insulting. He is the strongest man I have ever known
PatFinkle Posted August 2, 2011 Posted August 2, 2011 When (and why) did the light bulb pop on for you and you began to respect him instead of continuing to cheat on your husband? --Pat F
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