rafallus Posted July 24, 2011 Posted July 24, 2011 Janey Part of the problem is that there are some on here who cannot believe for one moment that a man can forgive his wife and be happy in the marriage after an affair. That reconciliation is never truly possible and that any man who stays with a WS must be a doormat. Thankfully there are others who know that is not the case and know that with a lot of work and understanding, it is possible to be genuinely happy together. Bolded words are relative (in that, their meaning can vary from person to person). It is not possible to make sure everyone shares the same checklist of things to make them happy. Therefore this argument will never be resolved, no matter which way.
Tech_E Posted July 24, 2011 Posted July 24, 2011 Janey that is a wonderfully written email. I do wonder if your H is aware of you posting it though. As always I wish you the best. Smart using the ignore feature, I wish I had stuck to that with my previous account....
whammy Posted July 24, 2011 Posted July 24, 2011 not to hate... i feel like his behavior after getting cheated on is very weak. You probably like it right now because of the situation and your just glad you didnt have your a** thrown out for cheating. Once that feeling goes away... his weak, beta male behavior will be a big turnoff... there was already something about him that turned you off so much that you had an affair. I think this beta male behavior will be a huge turnoff for you once you get over the happiness of getting out of the affair scott free. easy come easy go is a universal truth
anne1707 Posted July 24, 2011 Posted July 24, 2011 A BS who chooses to stay and work on a reconciliation is far from weak.
RepairMinded Posted July 24, 2011 Posted July 24, 2011 not to hate... i feel like his behavior after getting cheated on is very weak. You probably like it right now because of the situation and your just glad you didnt have your a** thrown out for cheating. Once that feeling goes away... his weak, beta male behavior will be a big turnoff... there was already something about him that turned you off so much that you had an affair. I think this beta male behavior will be a huge turnoff for you once you get over the happiness of getting out of the affair scott free. easy come easy go is a universal truth Exactly. The same person who wrote the e-mail is the one she cheated on in the first place.
RepairMinded Posted July 24, 2011 Posted July 24, 2011 A BS who chooses to stay and work on a reconciliation is far from weak. It's not a matter of what they actually are, which is not for the WS to judge. It's a matter of how the WS perceives the BS's behavior. OP perceived the e-mail from her BS as valuable because it made her feel good. It validated her. But it wasn't enough in itself. She posted it to get supplementary validation, to feel good about herself, from others on the internet. But as whammy pointed out, this is the same man she cheated on. OP doesn't say anything about her H's behavior has changed as a result of the affair. He was no less of a "nice guy" before the affair then he is right now. It didn't stop her from cheating though.
RepairMinded Posted July 24, 2011 Posted July 24, 2011 Janey that is a wonderfully written email. I do wonder if your H is aware of you posting it though. As always I wish you the best. Smart using the ignore feature, I wish I had stuck to that with my previous account.... Which she has chosen not to clarify. Let's give her the benefit of the doubt and assume the h is aware of the email being posted and doesn't object. That still leaves the question of what the purpose of posting it is. OP is still seeking emotional validation outside of her marital relationship. What her husband is giving her simply isn't enough.
IzzyB Posted July 24, 2011 Posted July 24, 2011 I think the OP posted that to share her pride in having such a loving and forgiving man. Too bad some posters have to constantly view everything through sh-t colored glasses. Ditto that
RepairMinded Posted July 24, 2011 Posted July 24, 2011 Who's responsible for the color of those glasses? The cheater is. No one else.
jnj express Posted July 24, 2011 Posted July 24, 2011 I have one question---WHY DID YOUR H. HAVE TO HIDE BEHIND AN E-MAIL---why couldn't he look you right in the eyes and say the same thing People who use e-mail, are hiding something---yell at me all you want---but the real test of truth comes when you have to look someone square in the eyes, and make your statement----anyone using e-mail is HIDING!!!!!!!
bentnotbroken Posted July 24, 2011 Posted July 24, 2011 I dare say email is a convenience of the time and not necessarily a shield to hide behind. It is often a sign of generational norms. I prefer face to face or even a hand written note. But there are others who communicate solely by email or text. It has very little significant meaning other than it is what it is.
sally4sara Posted July 25, 2011 Posted July 25, 2011 Delusions of grandeur Pardons! I didn't realize we got new moderation. For YOUR clarification, I didn't realize the thoughts a BS who has taken their WS back might be having would be located in the groin so much as in the mind but I have heard about thinking with what is between your legs.
RepairMinded Posted July 25, 2011 Posted July 25, 2011 (edited) Pardons! I didn't realize we got new moderation. Since you fabricated a quote and attributed it to me, deliberately misusing the "quote" function, whatever moderation you are receiving appears to be inadequate. For YOUR clarification, I didn't realize the thoughts a BS who has taken their WS back might be having would be located in the groin so much as in the mind but I have heard about thinking with what is between your legs.I'm not sure what you think you're attributing to me, but if you'd bothered to have read Janey's prior posts, you'd see that she attributes her affair to her h's lack of sexual interest in her. So what's your point? That you don't believe that when people have sexual affairs, it causes the betrayed spouse to question their "masculinity" in the case of the male, or "femininity" in the case of the female? Since Janey SAID that a primary reason for her affair was that her husband only had sex with her two times per month which wasn't nearly enough, clearly there is a connection between having an affair and the sexual desirability of the partners. Edited July 25, 2011 by RepairMinded
confusedinkansas Posted July 26, 2011 Posted July 26, 2011 Janey Good for you!!! Seems to me you have a pretty sweet man there. He actually sounds a bit like my own. Now to those that are trashin' ya! Why is it that if a man is sweet like this to his wife he's a DOOR MAT? Why is it that if he has sent an email instead of saying sweet things in person....Hiding behind something? (how do you know he's not said the same things to her face? ) Life is not always about the BAD HORRIBLE things. Life isn't always about hidden agendas. Sheesh - You'd think that many posters here believe that any man that's sensitive is a door mat..........or Ottoman as one put it. Sheesh people - Why can't you just be HAPPY that the truth is right here...........Kudos to Janey for sharing. It's proof positive that Marriages DO work after an affair. They DO bounce back. They CAN be better than before..........FACE THE FACTS & stop being such downers!!! For those that will for sure say I'm again running to the aid & cheering a cheater...........You damn well betcha! Not condoning what she did...........Applauding her for being able to move on & be a better person!
jthorne Posted July 26, 2011 Posted July 26, 2011 A BS who chooses to stay and work on a reconciliation is far from weak.I'll say! As I was reading the email, I kept thinking, "What an amazing guy. If I had treated a man like that so poorly, I would feel like total shyt." Kind of reinforces the notion that not all marriages are perfect, but cheating usually says more about the cheater and their internal problems than it does about the marriage.
RepairMinded Posted July 26, 2011 Posted July 26, 2011 Janey stated somewhere earlier in the thread that her husband only had sex with her about 2x/month. Morally I agree that doesn't "justify" cheating....but only having sex 2x/month is NOT going to be enough for most people. Also it might make someone like Janey feel unloved and undesirable. Doesn't "justify" cheating...but I can understand why someone in that situation would be tempted. Whatever else his good qualities, a man has sexual obligations towards his wife just like a wife has towards her husband. Bad/insufficient sex life can completely overwhelm other considerations in a marriage. Flowery e-mails aren't a substitute for sex.
rafallus Posted July 26, 2011 Posted July 26, 2011 (edited) They CAN be better than before..........FACE THE FACTS & stop being such downers!!!These are not facts, these are opinions. I mentioned that "better than before" (and "downers" too) is relative in that, means different stuff to different people. And therefore cannot really be settled to what everyone will agree about, ever, anyway. That brings you to what you wrote earlier - this got me seriously thinking: Sheesh people - Why can't you just be HAPPY that the truth is right here...........Nyrias once wrote here that you may never find out the truth. Correction. Nobody ever will. What they find instead is some observations skewed according to their own biases. And who hasn't made an opinion yet, will construct one out of biases of other people, introducing his own ones in the process. So every viewpoint will be biased and never true. Bingo, all those nasty, stinking downers, including myself, have some flagrant biases, so everything they write, is crock ****, right? Absolutely. (DISCLAIMER: If aforementioned agreement made you feel good, you might as well stop reading here.) Does it automatically mean everyone else's writing a pure gold? Consider this little thought: So, you want Janey to succeed in reconciliation? Awesome! You're not a downer and cheer for fellow poster and human being to be happy and wish she has strength in this tough battle! Also, you just admitted to the fact that everything you write is immediately biased towards hoping Janey does reconcile. How does it stack up with that whole "truth" thing? Not well, I'm afraid. All those, who think "Hell no, I'm not biased in any way". Enter "bias blind spot" and think again. So everyone has biases, and while awesomely good and quick to pointing them at others, completely fail at spotting their own. Hell, everyone is quick about pointing bias of opposing view, but it is magically ignored, if fellow poster's view (or bias) seems to agree with my own. And how about mere suggestion of you having bias upsetting you, therefore creating bias against what I just wrote? Is this nitpicking about the "truth" and "facts"? Gloomy and depressing point of view, laughing in the face of cheering for efforts of fellow poster, completely pissing over everything empathy ever was? Worthless trolling attempt by some random guy? You probably made up your mind already anyway. My mind got some exercise, so there's at least that. Anyway, I'm also curious about that "frequency of sex" thing. Edited July 26, 2011 by rafallus
RepairMinded Posted July 26, 2011 Posted July 26, 2011 There is something seriously wrong with a man who has married a ready, willing and able and presumably sexy female, claims to love said female, and without any explicable reason, doesn't want to have sex with her more than 2x/month. Does it "justify" the cheating? No. But I don't think a spouse has the right to trap another spouse in a virtually sexless, or very low sex, marriage. It's wrong.
Dionysus Posted July 27, 2011 Posted July 27, 2011 (edited) These are not facts, these are opinions. I mentioned that "better than before" (and "downers" too) is relative in that, means different stuff to different people. And therefore cannot really be settled to what everyone will agree about, ever, anyway. That brings you to what you wrote earlier - this got me seriously thinking: Nyrias once wrote here that you may never find out the truth. Correction. Nobody ever will. What they find instead is some observations skewed according to their own biases. And who hasn't made an opinion yet, will construct one out of biases of other people, introducing his own ones in the process. So every viewpoint will be biased and never true. Bingo, all those nasty, stinking downers, including myself, have some flagrant biases, so everything they write, is crock ****, right? Absolutely. (DISCLAIMER: If aforementioned agreement made you feel good, you might as well stop reading here.) Does it automatically mean everyone else's writing a pure gold? Consider this little thought: So, you want Janey to succeed in reconciliation? Awesome! You're not a downer and cheer for fellow poster and human being to be happy and wish she has strength in this tough battle! Also, you just admitted to the fact that everything you write is immediately biased towards hoping Janey does reconcile. How does it stack up with that whole "truth" thing? Not well, I'm afraid. All those, who think "Hell no, I'm not biased in any way". Enter "bias blind spot" and think again. So everyone has biases, and while awesomely good and quick to pointing them at others, completely fail at spotting their own. Hell, everyone is quick about pointing bias of opposing view, but it is magically ignored, if fellow poster's view (or bias) seems to agree with my own. And how about mere suggestion of you having bias upsetting you, therefore creating bias against what I just wrote? Is this nitpicking about the "truth" and "facts"? Gloomy and depressing point of view, laughing in the face of cheering for efforts of fellow poster, completely pissing over everything empathy ever was? Worthless trolling attempt by some random guy? You probably made up your mind already anyway. My mind got some exercise, so there's at least that. Anyway, I'm also curious about that "frequency of sex" thing. Hot d*mn rafallus. In any case. I remain on the skeptical side of things, especially when it comes to something as complex as reconciliation. Forgiveness is overrated IMO. See their side of the story, then cut off the gangrenous limb and move on. Now you know my personal bias. Although, I am sure that Janey's husband will probably stick with her. Lucky lady. There is something seriously wrong with a man who has married a ready, willing and able and presumably sexy female, claims to love said female, and without any explicable reason, doesn't want to have sex with her more than 2x/month.Simple physiology and/or psychology. IMO if things ever get that bad, you have to nip them in the bud ASAP. It's a breeding ground of resentment. Edited July 27, 2011 by Dionysus
anne1707 Posted July 27, 2011 Posted July 27, 2011 because his wife betrayed his trust and slept with another man, yet he still reconciles with her. The only reason he did is that he probably has a low self esteem and thinks that OP is the best he can do so he sticks to her. Nothing to do with love just self esteem and availability. But i digress he is still a doormat. It infuriates me when people suggest that a BS only chooses to reconcile because they are weak or cannot get better. That is so insulting to so many people who have successfully and happily reconciled. By doing so, they have shown amazing strength of character, a true ability to move on and an ability to choose for themselves what they want to do and not what others tell them they should do.
Dionysus Posted July 27, 2011 Posted July 27, 2011 It infuriates me when people suggest that a BS only chooses to reconcile because they are weak or cannot get better. That is so insulting to so many people who have successfully and happily reconciled. By doing so, they have shown amazing strength of character, a true ability to move on and an ability to choose for themselves what they want to do and not what others tell them they should do. Oh anne, you got sucked back in again. How does this keep on happening? You know that it doesn't lead to anywhere good. To provide a different perspective, I am not forgiving in the least. But I will acknowledge that being completely unforgiving to the people that have hurt me, doesn't necessarily make me the polar opposite of a doormat (which would be a doorway arch, I believe).
anne1707 Posted July 28, 2011 Posted July 28, 2011 Oh anne, you got sucked back in again. How does this keep on happening? You know that it doesn't lead to anywhere good. I know. But at least not by the 2 that are on ignore. To provide a different perspective, I am not forgiving in the least. But I will acknowledge that being completely unforgiving to the people that have hurt me, doesn't necessarily make me the polar opposite of a doormat (which would be a doorway arch, I believe). I agree with you. Whichever path the BS chooses will be very tough and will call upon all their strength. There is no one size fits all solution. My only concern for someone who does not forgive is how that may cause difficulty in building a healthy, new relationship with someone else. You (general) cannot keep living in the past and hold onto pain to an extent whereby it stops you from being emotionally healthy. Anger eats away the person.
anne1707 Posted July 28, 2011 Posted July 28, 2011 This is disingenuous I left and I will certainly never forgive my ex husband for what he did to me, infact, I believe that forgiving him would be detrimental to my emotional wellbeing. But just because I will always regard him as someone who deserves nothing good from anyone, let alone me, hasnt' prevented me from moving on and doesn't mean I am 'living in the past' and 'holding on to pain'. I am now married to a man that I utterly love and with whom I believe I have a very healthy marriage. Afterall, I know very well, what an unhealthy marriage looks like We have a misunderstanding What I was trying to say is that for some, not forgiving can lead to problems in future relationships . Others may not forgive but let go of the past, learn from it and move on
Untouchable_Fire Posted July 28, 2011 Posted July 28, 2011 I wanted to share an e-mail my H wrote me this week. I had written him one earlier that thanked him for being so good to me through this process. Through his pain, he has remained a rock in my life and I don't know how he does it. Here is what he wrote: "I want to continue building our marriage to be the best it can be too.You're my precious wife that I love more than you know. I expect the best from you because you are capable and you are the best!We have such a wonderful life together if we can just protect and take special care of it. We have the sweetest children and they look at everything we say and do so we will be our best for them as well. You are so beautiful to me because of who you are on the inside and the outside too! Be proud of all your many accomplishments in this marriage and know that every little thing you do is important and appreciated by me every day.I know you have many tasks with the house and school and especially the girls that wear you out but keep your resolve and I will too. I wanted you to know I belive we are just alike in our desires for this marriage. I love your whole body and soul and will do my best to keep it by my side always....." This is why I remain amazed at him, and I do feel loved and forgiven. Your husband is such a solidly wonderful guy that I really struggle to understand why you felt the need to cheat on him in the first place. It makes me feel like if you could cheat on him, you would cheat on anybody. Either way... Bravo for finally appreciating him.
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