amethyste Posted July 23, 2011 Posted July 23, 2011 (edited) I guess I should start by mentioning that I’m “a lady of extremes” – I can be equally sad and happy about something, equally optimistic and pessimistic. That’s how it was (and I was) this month. My ex gave up on me last year; it was then when I knew that everything’s over. Then, he kept stringing me along for another year. He used to “fluctuate” a lot, from giving me hopes, telling me that nothing has changed & being affectionate, to being cold & distant. One side of me was really happy that we were keeping in touch, while the other one was saying “Don’t believe everything you hear, he gave up on you once, what makes you think this time is going to be different?” This attitude helped me a lot during this year because I didn’t let myself deceived (too much) by his words. He was all words and almost no actions. Sincerely, I think he was some combo between a “future faker” and a “commitmentphobe”. I’m at the point where I can accept anything that’s said about this relationship, I can accept the worst case scenario, but it doesn’t mean it hurts me less. I don’t know his side of the story, so I’m a bit reserved of accusing him, but I have to live with how he and his actions made me feel. This month has been “surreal”. I still experience all kind of mixed feelings. Sometimes when I think about him, it feels as if everything was just a dream, like those things didn’t happen in reality. And when I go to sleep, I sometimes wish I could wake up one year ago – when I was so, so, so happy; or in five years by now – when I hope I’ll be over it. Sometimes my days are really normal, and I live with the impression that we’re going to talk later in the evening… and sometimes I can’t even realize that we’re not going to talk anymore. What can I say? I miss my best friend, the one who knew so many things about me, the one I had so much fun with, the sex, the jokes, the team we were, everything. I miss the guy who constantly made me feel like “awwww”. It’s funny how I’d like so much to run into the arms of someone who probably doesn’t even exist. Anyway, I didn’t contact him at all. I didn’t reactivate any of my accounts, just to check what he’s doing (despite wanting to do so a couple of times). I can live with the fact that he doesn’t care about me, I can live with the fact that he’s doing perfectly fine without me – but I don’t need to see this with my own eyes. One side of me (again) is looking forward to whatever the future brings; I hope I’ll find someone else I can get & be close to. The other side is… well… absolutely scared. P.S. - Thanks LS. P.S. part II - next goal: 2 months NC Edited July 23, 2011 by amethyste
Nohbody Posted July 23, 2011 Posted July 23, 2011 Just noticed the Mark Twain reference in your signature. That alone tells me you'll be fine.
sun_moon Posted July 23, 2011 Posted July 23, 2011 Keep up the good work, you are doing oh so great. I understand the fear you are feeling. I am fearful I am going to not find my mate for a long time, or even worse he doesn't exist. Ack, can I buy a bag of optimism anywhere?
Author amethyste Posted July 24, 2011 Author Posted July 24, 2011 @Nohbody - All I can say is: @bikinibeach - You'll soon have 4 bunnies. That's awesome. @sun_moon - Same here. I guess I have to prepare myself for a battle against time...
GymRat Posted July 24, 2011 Posted July 24, 2011 It's bizarre, and I'm just experiencing it too. I was the happiest man alive when I was with her, and knowing that feeling isn't around anymore makes me sad. But in reality, it's best that it happened sooner in life than later. Now you can focus on experiencing something more real with someone who will undoubtedly make you feel the same things all over again. And when you do, you'll get your swagger back, but until then, just know that there's a lovely world out there just eager to put that permanent smile back on your face
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