irc333 Posted July 23, 2011 Posted July 23, 2011 Or course, this won't be a novel or anything. But when I hear men debating on wether or not that if they're "hangin out" or it's a "date" Or perhaps he was Friendzoned, and is this shoulder to cry on Have the men ever given a thought at being spontaneous, and making a "move" right then and there to kiss her or putting your arm around her, or some kind of physical way of showing it? Rather than sitting back and not doing anything about it all? Just speculating here...I mean, what's stopping you from doing this?
somedude81 Posted July 23, 2011 Posted July 23, 2011 Just speculating here...I mean, what's stopping you from doing this? The fear that she won't appreciate the act and that it may put a strain on the friendship. That it might make her so mad she won't want to hang out again.
Author irc333 Posted July 23, 2011 Author Posted July 23, 2011 The fear that she won't appreciate the act and that it may put a strain on the friendship. That it might make her so mad she won't want to hang out again. Well, see, that's just it.....there should be no fear...just DO it, forget about the consequences of our actions. If it will sever ties with her, hey, you an always meet NEW people, right?
chuckles11 Posted July 23, 2011 Posted July 23, 2011 Or course, this won't be a novel or anything. But when I hear men debating on wether or not that if they're "hangin out" or it's a "date" Or perhaps he was Friendzoned, and is this shoulder to cry on Have the men ever given a thought at being spontaneous, and making a "move" right then and there to kiss her or putting your arm around her, or some kind of physical way of showing it? Rather than sitting back and not doing anything about it all? Just speculating here...I mean, what's stopping you from doing this? I think that you are misunderstanding the psychology of the type of guys who hang around not knowing if they have been friendzoned. The guys who are on here asking those sort of questions are doing so because they don't have the courage to take the actions that you describe. If these guys had the courage to just kiss the girl they would have had the courage to ask her out when they first met her.
fortyninethousand322 Posted July 23, 2011 Posted July 23, 2011 I think that you are misunderstanding the psychology of the type of guys who hang around not knowing if they have been friendzoned. The guys who are on here asking those sort of questions are doing so because they don't have the courage to take the actions that you describe. If these guys had the courage to just kiss the girl they would have had the courage to ask her out when they first met her. Describes me perfectly. Which is in large part why I don't think my situation will ever change.
SteelWall Posted July 23, 2011 Posted July 23, 2011 What is wrong with a friend zone? If it is meant to be it is meant to be naturally. It does get confusing with men. I think they take 'friends' differently then women. Men see it as negative when it is quite positive. It is difficult to be friends of the opposite sex. Plus they dump your friendship if they are actively getting lots of action and you are taking up too much of their time. Just my experience.
Author irc333 Posted July 23, 2011 Author Posted July 23, 2011 Plus they dump your friendship if they are actively getting lots of action and you are taking up too much of their time. Just my experience. Yes, usually...this friendship is fine, until they meet someone, and they decide to sever ties, usually by the request of the new boyfriend or perhaps even her choice. I had one woman that asked me to stop calling her, because her boyfriend moved in with her after a year of dating. THen I think her b/f found out we were IM'ing...I guess he was shoulder surfing, and had to cut ties there as well. But most times, they typically "fizzle" out when they've found someone. They put up serious boundaries, when they start seeing someone.
motive2002 Posted July 23, 2011 Posted July 23, 2011 The fear that she won't appreciate the act and that it may put a strain on the friendship. That it might make her so mad she won't want to hang out again. You don't want a friendship, you want a lover. If she doesn't appreciate your advances, cut the string she's got you on and move on. I don't know about you, but I have plenty of other friends. Let your intentions be known and if she doesn't respond, bail. Women all want the same thing. Validation. They want it all the time and from a variety of sources. They want to be reassured that they're "hot".
somedude81 Posted July 23, 2011 Posted July 23, 2011 Well, see, that's just it.....there should be no fear...just DO it, forget about the consequences of our actions. If it will sever ties with her, hey, you an always meet NEW people, right? No, not exactly. It's very rare that I get to know a girl who would spend any time with me. Once this girl and I go our separate ways, I don't know how long it would be till I'm able to get this close to another girl. She is the only girl I spent time with this year; and when she's gone, there is nobody else. I'm in no hurry to lose that. But I want her to be so much more than a platonic friend. So I'm left with a very difficult dilemma. You don't want a friendship, you want a lover. If she doesn't appreciate your advances, cut the string she's got you on and move on. I don't know about you, but I have plenty of other friends. Let your intentions be known and if she doesn't respond, bail. Women all want the same thing. Validation. They want it all the time and from a variety of sources. They want to be reassured that they're "hot". I want a lover and a friend. Why can't they be one in the same? There has to be a reason why boyfriend and girlfriend each contain the word friend. She doesn't have me on a string at all. The only time she initiates contact is to confirm plans. As far as I can tell, she doesn't want validation. She just likes my company. And I really enjoy hers. Bailing wouldn't do anything for me and just leave me without any female interaction.
ThsAmericanLife Posted July 23, 2011 Posted July 23, 2011 What is wrong with a friend zone? If it is meant to be it is meant to be naturally. It does get confusing with men. I think they take 'friends' differently then women. Men see it as negative when it is quite positive. It is difficult to be friends of the opposite sex. Plus they dump your friendship if they are actively getting lots of action and you are taking up too much of their time. Just my experience. I never dump my true male friends when I meet someone. I make it clear early in the relationship that I have close male friends and that they are part of my life. It can be difficult to establish an opposite sex friendship... especially if one or both ever had a physical attraction. Keeping them is no harder than keeping friends of the same sex. That said, if a guy friend disappeared everytime he was dating someone, I probably wouldn't stay friends with him. Same goes for a female friend.
Enchanted Girl Posted July 23, 2011 Posted July 23, 2011 I agree that you should just make a move. Sometimes I friendzone guys because they don't make a move and I'm attracted to them, but I assume they don't feel the same and try to stop thinking of them that way purposefully so that our friendship doesn't get ruined.
ThsAmericanLife Posted July 23, 2011 Posted July 23, 2011 You don't want a friendship, you want a lover. If she doesn't appreciate your advances, cut the string she's got you on and move on. I don't know about you, but I have plenty of other friends. Let your intentions be known and if she doesn't respond, bail. Women all want the same thing. Validation. They want it all the time and from a variety of sources. They want to be reassured that they're "hot". Everyone wants to feel special. Men too. It has nothing to do with being 'hot'. It has everything to do with being validated as a human being.
somedude81 Posted July 23, 2011 Posted July 23, 2011 One thing I really can't figure out is why a girl would hang out with a male friend who she knows likes her. Does she try and pretend that the guy has no interest and the he just wants to be friends? Or does she enjoy knowing that he wants her?
Enchanted Girl Posted July 23, 2011 Posted July 23, 2011 One thing I really can't figure out is why a girl would hang out with a male friend who she knows likes her. Does she try and pretend that the guy has no interest and the he just wants to be friends? Or does she enjoy knowing that he wants her? It depends on the girl. Some do it for an ego boost plus their enjoyment of his company and others do it because they believe that a rejection will actually make the other's feelings go away and everything will go back to normal.
carhill Posted July 23, 2011 Posted July 23, 2011 She doesn't have me on a string at all. The only time she initiates contact is to confirm plans.IMO, that's not a friend. Friends proactively interact. Example: A friend shows up at my back door one Saturday morning with a bag from McDonalds and says 'hey, I heard you were putting a roof on your house today. I brought us some breakfast before we go to work.' A friend (female, wife of one of my friends) sends me a father's day card from my cat (she's an animal lover and lives about 2500 miles away). I could go on. I've had female friends and I've had female hoovers and know the difference. Female friends don't look for validation. They're giving and loving. That can be attractive but, if there isn't romantic attraction there for both parties, there isn't. Adults can move beyond that to have healthy friendships. I've found the key, having put too many eggs in one basket way too many times, is to have a social 'circle', a group of many people with whom one enjoys synergy. Women will come and go as a part of this group. If one is attractive, approach her romantically and/or sexually and, if no joy, no joy. Another takes her place. People change relations all the time. It's never-ending. Friendships start, grow and end, same as romances. It's part of life. If 'bailing' leaves you without any female interaction, broaden your horizons. Heck, I haven't had a girlfriend or had sex since my exW and I split up over two years ago and have never lacked for female company. I've turned down a couple of approaches because I want life simple right now. Life is what you make of it. You choose. Good luck.
ptp Posted July 23, 2011 Posted July 23, 2011 Wow this thread is kind of mind-blowing for me. When I was younger, I have been friend zoned 2 times (1 was a girl I really really liked). I never never never even considered going in for a kiss in either case. Just didn't have the guts. Now days, if I even get the hint of becoming a friend, I will become unavailable or ask her on a date so I don't get friend zoned again. It isn't that I am shy or passive because I am assertive with women when I feel comfortable with them. When I know I am in friend zone territory, I have a fear that she won't reciprocate thus instead of making a move, I would rather make it obvious that I want to take her out on date rather than reach over and try to kiss her.
Author irc333 Posted July 23, 2011 Author Posted July 23, 2011 ask her on a date so I don't get friend zoned again. Right, instead of planting a kiss on her....asking her out on a date would work, too.
somedude81 Posted July 23, 2011 Posted July 23, 2011 It depends on the girl. Some do it for an ego boost plus their enjoyment of his company and others do it because they believe that a rejection will actually make the other's feelings go away and everything will go back to normal. Since I've always liked her, things going back to normal isn't really a possibility. These past couple months have actually been the first time we actually did stuff off of campus. I do wonder if she gets an ego boost from me. Is there any way to find out? I do know she enjoys my company. IMO, that's not a friend. Friends proactively interact. It's been a very long time that I had a friend. Either way, if we are not friends, then what are we? A guy and a girl who go places and spend the day together, once every week or every two weeks with not a lot of contact between those days. What is that? If 'bailing' leaves you without any female interaction, broaden your horizons. Heck, I haven't had a girlfriend or had sex since my exW and I split up over two years ago and have never lacked for female company. I've turned down a couple of approaches because I want life simple right now. Life is what you make of it. You choose. Good luck. Broaden my horizons? How so? I mostly get my female interaction from school and campus clubs. Once school it's out, I don't get much of it. The social circle thing is something I haven't been able to get into. I got close last year with a club on campus. But it didn't really pan out.
ptp Posted July 23, 2011 Posted July 23, 2011 One thing I really can't figure out is why a girl would hang out with a male friend who she knows likes her. Does she try and pretend that the guy has no interest and the he just wants to be friends? Or does she enjoy knowing that he wants her? Yea I wonder this too. When the situation is reversed and a girl is really into me that I am not into, it makes me uncomfortable hanging out with her 1 one 1. The feeling of letting a nice girl think that she may have a chance is far worse than any ego boost I could gain from hanging out with her.
betterdeal Posted July 23, 2011 Posted July 23, 2011 Yeah, make a move. It might work, and if it doesn't, it's not the of the world. You just back off and accept she's not into you in that way.
somedude81 Posted July 23, 2011 Posted July 23, 2011 Yea I wonder this too. When the situation is reversed and a girl is really into me that I am not into, it makes me uncomfortable hanging out with her 1 one 1. The feeling of letting a nice girl think that she may have a chance is far worse than any ego boost I could gain from hanging out with her. Exactly. I would simply not want to want to spend any time alone with a girl who I knew liked me and I didn't feel the same way. It's got to even be more uncomfortable for a girl because she knows the guy is going to try stuff. I know I've made her uncomfortable a few times by trying to hug her or talking about certain things. But she keeps agreeing to spend time with me. So what's that telling me?
carhill Posted July 23, 2011 Posted July 23, 2011 Broaden my horizons? How so? I met a lot of college students in organizations (community service) that I volunteered for over the decades. I met (and still meet) a lot of college students in my travels all over the world. That's one insignificant 'tip' of the 'broaden your horizons' iceberg. Put your excellent college mind to it and I'm sure you'll come up with many I've never even thought of. When I was your age I was making metal chips in a machine shop and spending my weekends driving at the track.
iris219 Posted July 23, 2011 Posted July 23, 2011 Or course, this won't be a novel or anything. But when I hear men debating on wether or not that if they're "hangin out" or it's a "date" Or perhaps he was Friendzoned, and is this shoulder to cry on Have the men ever given a thought at being spontaneous, and making a "move" right then and there to kiss her or putting your arm around her, or some kind of physical way of showing it? Rather than sitting back and not doing anything about it all? Just speculating here...I mean, what's stopping you from doing this? You should clarify before you go out if it’s a date or not. If you want it to be a date, ask her on a date. I met a man last night who, at one point, said, “Would you like to go on a date with me.” That was very clear. I don’t suggest getting physical at all (especially if you haven’t clarified that it’s a date), unless she’s giving you clear indication that she wants this. Is she being flirty? Has she touched you? Stop thinking so much about YOU and what you should do. Start paying attention to HER and being more in tune to these signals.
fortyninethousand322 Posted July 23, 2011 Posted July 23, 2011 Exactly. I would simply not want to want to spend any time alone with a girl who I knew liked me and I didn't feel the same way. It's got to even be more uncomfortable for a girl because she knows the guy is going to try stuff. I know I've made her uncomfortable a few times by trying to hug her or talking about certain things. But she keeps agreeing to spend time with me. So what's that telling me? I don't know man. I did the same stuff with the last girl I "dated". At one point I realized she didn't really feel the same way I did and that she was really only hanging with me because I was the only one who would actually put up with her hectic schedule and the fact that she was a tease (and not just in the sexual sense). Other guys (and girls) picked up on it and avoided her, apparently I had a much harder time realizing it. When I stopped initiating things she pretty much forgot I existed.
fortyninethousand322 Posted July 23, 2011 Posted July 23, 2011 You should clarify before you go out if it’s a date or not. If you want it to be a date, ask her on a date. I met a man last night who, at one point, said, “Would you like to go on a date with me.” That was very clear. I don’t suggest getting physical at all (especially if you haven’t clarified that it’s a date), unless she’s giving you clear indication that she wants this. Is she being flirty? Has she touched you? Stop thinking so much about YOU and what you should do. Start paying attention to HER and being more in tune to these signals. I understand this. But at the same time what's he got to lose? I mean sure the girl will be creeped out, but if you notice creeps tend to do a lot better with girls than some of the guys on here do. Some of this is harder to learn and utilize than it is to understand.
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