redflag Posted July 23, 2011 Posted July 23, 2011 Hi guys, any advice welcome and badly needed, i was with my ex for 5 yrs we have 2 kids and another due in october, throughout our time together we were on and off a fair bit but last year seemed to have sorted ourselves out and were getting on. she got pregnant (sort of planned) and suddenly the arguements started again. it got back to the point where it felt like we hated each other again, that feeling where when your together you feel somehow more alone if you understand. anyway we had a HUGE fallout and broke up mutually about 4 months ago and didnt speak for a bit, when we did finally start speaking again about 6 weeks ago she told me she was sorry and that she had met a guy a week before. i told her that i didnt know whether i wanted her back anyway cos it depended on her growing up and not kicking off at me all the time (which was how i felt when we broke up). after i left she called saying i didnt care and was crying and stuff so i wrote her a message saying that i had hoped to wait till our child was born then was planning to talk to her to see if she was commited to making stuff work but that now i would give her this ultimatum now to consider before jumping into something silly. she then just messed me about over the following week until i put my foot down and told her i wasnt having it, that she had answered my questions and that i thought her attitude was wrong to try again anyway and so it was for best. i then cut all contact (other than picking up my kids on set days) she started calling me asking to be friends and when i said no she started calling asking if i still had feelings for her and stuff. i dont honestly know if i want her back or not, my head is melted. id love her to come back if she promised to grow up and sort the arguing out but would rather she didnt if not as hard as it is. as far as i know she is still seeing this guy and so i wont be messed about. this morning she rang for a lift to work and i said no, was this the right thing to do? she started blaming me for the breakup saying i should have told her how i felt before (i told her many times throughout the years!) she seems shocked that i wont wait around and beg her now. im just trying to get on with MY life now and have figured if she does grow up and come back then who knows we'l see. is this the right idea? im suffering from rose tinted specs about the past tho and so im finding letting her go hard. also i dont wanna push her away if she does come back. was the text this morn saying i shud av sed ow i felt an admission shes having second thoughts? did i do right to put it back on her and tell her i couldnt until she showed me she was commited to makin it work? i need advice please, sorry for long post
fetish1980 Posted July 23, 2011 Posted July 23, 2011 As far as i see it, you seem to have your life together already by coming to this realization. Your post suggests something totally opposite from the title of this thread. Sorry to be slightly harsh here, but to be on the safe side, i would check to see if that baby on the way is mine once it's born. If she told me she started seeing someone about a week before we broke up, there's a chance she could've been seeing him longer than that. I just hate surprises. Your ex girlfriend needs too much attention and i think you're finally grown tired of all that rift raft. My ex was exactly the same. Matter of fact, she'd always threaten to leave when we get in fights and the last one we got in to, she left. She actually thought i was going to chase after her and try to convince her to stay when it was actually her fault why we had gotten in to it which led to our breakup. I'm goiong through the same thing you are. I'm having trouble letting her go because she actually said she wanted to get back together last month. I told her i wasn't ready and wanted to stay single. But reality is, i really don't want her back because i can't trust her emotional instability and bullying. I feel a little guilty about that almost like i'm pushing her out of my life, but when she left, i realized from this point on, i have to look out for myself first. Don't just look at things at face value. If she's having second thoughts, is it more for her or because she's accepted responsibilty and has she really changed? If not, then don't walk back in to a burning building again. Kids or no kids. fetish
Author redflag Posted July 23, 2011 Author Posted July 23, 2011 what you said makes sense, im up and down a lot at the min i think im missing the person i wish she was if that makes sense and mourning the relationship i wish it had been. rose tinting the past i think. i miss her like mad but i only wanted her back after the split if she changed and so far shes only convinced me she cant... i feel mad at her like she ****ed it up with her immaturity tho. i guess if i keep strong il either get over her or she'l come back and its on my terms but iv gotta let her go which is so hard but iv given her a million chances. ps cheers for advice on checking kids mine, i considered it but i think it is, she dint start seeing this kid till 2 month after and was not one to cheat but il still consider. by the way (and im not hanging to false hope, just so i know what to expect) does this sound like shes rebounding?
fetish1980 Posted July 24, 2011 Posted July 24, 2011 chances are that she's rebounding, possibly trying to feel better about herself. The fact that she seeks so much attention and relies on it so much from others strikes me as someone who doesn't really have a whole lot of self esteem. She may appear to as long as she has the attention. I can relate to what you said as far as rose tinting the past. I was with my ex for 8 years and while i don't miss the selfish, self destructing, manipulative person she grew to at the end, i still miss the memory of who she was in the beginning and still love her for being such a big chapter in my life. It's hard separating the person she was to the person she is now because she is still physically the same person. I tend to think to think of it as milk that goes spoiled. When you first buy milk, it's good, wholesome, and tastes great. But once it goes bad, although it's still the same milk you remember as tasting great, it's no longer good for you. Keep consuming and your insides will be messed up. Your situation is complicated because you have 2 kids and a 3rd on the way that you have to consider. I don't think two unhealthy couples should be together just for the sake of the kids. If she's willing to own up, take responsibility, then it may be worth another chance. Otherwise, she's going to keep proving that she can manipulate you in to being her playtoy. That's why she was so shocked that you aren't waiting around and groveling. I can only identify because that's exactly how my ex was. It seems like there always had to be some sulking, missing her, and giving her attention to prove i loved her. It wasn't enough that i cooked for her, foot rub, and spent all my time with her. She was too inmature and i had a point where i had enough. No more in and out, no more breaking up to make up. Like you, i gave her so many chances. fetish
Author redflag Posted July 24, 2011 Author Posted July 24, 2011 seems like your situation is very similar, i sympathise i know how hard it is. thanks for advice it helps to know others are dealing with the same thing (though id wish it on no one). you get so mad you feel like screaming at them so they would just see that by growing up they cud have a great life but you can lead a horse to water... the ups and downs get ya cos one min your better then you just sink back down (i suffer bi polar disorder so the lows really get me) and find yourself missing this 'perfect' person you created in your mind, iv really learned not to be manipulated again tho, iv learned a lot in fact i was naive before really (first love). anyway thanks again for great advice and good luck with your situation.
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