ScienceGal Posted July 23, 2011 Posted July 23, 2011 It's been six weeks since my ex left me. Our communication during times of disagreement was not good. We had two fights, and that was the end of an otherwise great 6 month relationship. I am 28 years old and have had several relationships that have lasted 2+ years. But, he was the first man that I could see myself marrying and having a life with. I am still missing him despite the fact that he broke up with me in a bad way (email... followed by NC for the past 6 weeks). He said I hurt him (I told him he had to compromise, be more loving, etc.. he did not take the criticism well.. but, there was no name calling so I guess the criticism was what was hurtful) and he will speak to me when he is ready. A mutual friend told me that last week was the first time he has mentioned me in conversation. He made 2 comments, but nothing good or bad, just comments that went with what was being said. I went out to meet someone for the first time last night. I had fun and he was nice, but... ALL I could think about was my ex. I dream about him several times a week too (sucks!). I want him back, but will not call or message him (I tried back when we split and won't make a fool of myself by trying to chase him) Do I push myself to date, or do I wait until I have no feelings for my ex? I do not feel I am going to get over him any time soon. Worst case scenario, I meet someone and THEN my ex calls and I still want to fix things. This is not fair to the new person. Best case scenario, I meet someone and my ex does not call, and I move on. Or even if he does call, I have moved on. Any advice is appreciated! Thank you
thelovingkind Posted July 23, 2011 Posted July 23, 2011 I definitely don't recommend you "push" yourself to date, but I wouldn't totally discourage it either. Don't dive in head first, just wade in slowly, and if starts to feel weird you can back out again easily. The first date back is definitely weird no matter what. It gets better. Just try to read your feelings as honestly as possible. Are you dating because of a positive, new incentive (wanting to meet new people, wanting to enjoy your evenings, wanting to get out of the house) or are you dating because of negative incentives associated with your ex (feel like a loser if you don't date, feel like he might be with someone and you want to be with someone too, trying to avoid acknowledging the loss by being alone), etc. That kinda stuff matters.
Duckduckgoose Posted July 23, 2011 Posted July 23, 2011 Don't worry, your ex will call or otherwise get in contact with you when you start moving on. But at that point you are moving on. And the ex is the past. Reconciliations rarely work.
Author ScienceGal Posted July 23, 2011 Author Posted July 23, 2011 Thank you for the responses. I feel like after a certain amount of time I will have to accept that he is not coming back, and even though I won't want to, i am going to have to push myself to invest those feelings in someone else. I still see myself marrying him, but it's not healthy to sit around and let myself fantasize about it. I just hate not knowing how long I should wait... I don't want to hurt anyone that I date if my ex does come back.
Nohbody Posted July 23, 2011 Posted July 23, 2011 I've been wondering about going out and meeting people, myself... honestly I don't want to, but I feel like I should. After all, the dumper is out having fun and being with new people... why shouldn't I (right)? I'd recommend doing what you think will make you happy. I think it'll happen when it's time to happen, and won't require too much forcing (beyond what it normally takes).
thelovingkind Posted July 24, 2011 Posted July 24, 2011 One point that was raised in another thread, and something I also experienced, is that while going on dates with "safe" people who are nice but you don't anticipate you'll be that into might seem like a risk-free, training-wheels type method to ease yourself back into dating, it can backfire because every lacklustre date you go on puts your ex and the former relationship on that much more of a pedestal.
Author ScienceGal Posted July 24, 2011 Author Posted July 24, 2011 @Thelovingkind, that is such a good point. But I would think that not even trying to date could do the same damage. At least the dull dates are getting me out there and increasing the chances of finding a spark. And I have never been one to date much, so I know that if it does go poorly, there will be plenty of space between those let-downs. It is just going to be a tough road no matter what. I just wish I could be told when he will call me, whether it be in one month, in one year, or never. Then I could stop thinking about it. 6 weeks seems like a long time, but I just saw another thread that said the ex called six months later. That's crazy! So, I will continue on with my 5 steps forward and 3 steps back. I cannot anticipate how I will feel if/when he does call so I keep telling myself that thinking about it now is a waste of my time.
FinOuch Posted July 24, 2011 Posted July 24, 2011 (edited) I've been advised by a couple of friends that getting out there and meeting people (specifically eligible men) helps to quicken the healing and moving on process. I don't think I agree. Because of this advice, about five weeks post break up (still having nightly vivid dreams and pining at the time) I encountered a new acquaintance who wanted to get to know me better. He was aware of my situation, and it was just going out on more of a friendly basis. While the outing went well enough, it became shockingly clear that I wasn't ready to incorporate new people of the opposite sex into my life yet...not in ANY capacity. At the time, all I could think of while out with this guy was my ex...and how desperately I did not want to be in the position that I was in. It was downright depressing, and I ended up crying the entire drive home because I just didn't want any part/aspect of the break up to be happening. In the end, I think that meeting this guy actually did more harm than good. Not as a result of a bad date and it pushing me away from dating, but simply because it stirred up emotions related to the break up that I was not equipped to handle yet. It just drove home that the ex and I were over way too pointedly, and perhaps too quickly. And to make it even more not worthwhile - because I was still so wounded, hurt, and in a borderline state of shock (definitely at least lack of acceptance)...it was simply impossible to open up and be all buddy buddy with him, let alone for any sparks to fly. (no surprise he didn't interact with me much at all after that night) So there is my counter-argument to forcing yourself to meeting people as a mechanism to move on. But, everyone is different...and everyone handles break ups in their own unique way. So really only you would know for certain whether you are comfortable/ready. Buf if you do have that little gut feeling that says "not yet"...then definitely not yet. Edited July 24, 2011 by FinOuch
FinOuch Posted July 24, 2011 Posted July 24, 2011 I guess I should say...what I DO advise, though, is going out with friends to do something of interest that exposes you to a general populace of single people. I've been going swing dancing with one of my best friends, and just being immersed in a social environment where lots of singles tend to hang out has eased me into regaining my own life. It's like a baby step, I guess.
Author ScienceGal Posted July 24, 2011 Author Posted July 24, 2011 (edited) @finouch, I am sorry you had such an experience. To answer Thelovingkind's first question, I want to date because I feel like I should be dating, it's what people expect someone who is over their ex to do. And I want the ex to believe I have moved on too. To be honest, right now the real hope is that my ex will hear that I have moved on and that will make him call me. I know this is not a good thing to put hope in, it's just the lie I tell myself. Last night after meeting the new guy (not a date, met up at a social event and talked for a few minutes... future date implied) I cried myself to sleep. I believe I cried because I am scared to let go. How will I truly know if I am ready unless I am out there experiencing talking to new men? Sitting home and thinking I am "not ready" seems hurtful as well. I can see myself wallowing A LONG time if I do that. Also, I am not looking to lead anyone on or hurt anyone in my quest to feel better. I am actually more concerned with hurting someone else than me getting hurt. So, when the subject comes up, I will be honest with any date that I am looking to take things very slow and am not looking to jump into a relationship. My ultimate goal is to meet the "One", how/if I will get there is anyone's guess. Edited July 24, 2011 by ScienceGal
Nohbody Posted July 24, 2011 Posted July 24, 2011 It's all a matter of the right... (wait for it) chemistry So don't worry ScienceGal
thelovingkind Posted July 24, 2011 Posted July 24, 2011 It sounds like you're more or less in the right place, ScienceGal. I misjudged and went on my first date a week or so too soon and it was awful, I should have stayed in that night. But I went on a few more "friendly" type dates, no blazing chemistry, and while it did make me valorise my ex a little more, I think they were worthwhile. Got to see some nice movies and have some good meals and meet some nice, friendly people. It was good to keep the social momentum going from my ex, even while the emotional momentum ground to dust. Now I'm in a better place than I've ever been two weeks post break-up. And it's nothing to do with dating or not dating, just my perspective on myself and my own needs for personal development. I'm so happy being single and building myself up now that I kind of want to date because I know for the first time I'll be doing it for the right reasons. So yeah, if you're attitude is in the right place you will get there no matter what, good dates, bad dates, dull dates or no dates.
Author ScienceGal Posted July 24, 2011 Author Posted July 24, 2011 The only thing that scares me is that I will harbor feelings for him for a very long time. I can be conscious and deliberate in my actions to move forward, but I am helpless to my heart's desire. Having been in long-term relationships that have ended, I know what heartache is. I know what struggling with moving on is. THIS is a whole different level.
wilsonx Posted July 24, 2011 Posted July 24, 2011 My personal opinion is not to push yourself to meet someone new. I read a lot of these threads and my advice is usually the same in all of them. Why not go out and meet friends that are of the same gender as you. Women need women friends, guys need guy friends. Even in long term relationships, you need to keep these friends and still interact with them to give you your space from those that you are interdependent with. I find myself 2 months out from this breakup looking at everygirl thinking they are the one. Then I facepalm myself and say Wilson, stop being crazy. My friend at work said something today and she has been my amazing support system, why not be single for a while. I said, hey thats a smart idea. If you want to go out with and have friends of people with the opposite sex. You have to friendzone them. Thats it. You lay down the boundary and if they crash it, then the friendship is done. Most people will respect this. I hang out with 2 girls now that understand that I am not looking for anything more then friends, nothing, no sex, no emotional, physical attachments, nothing. If they get feelings for me, they need to bail and I wont dislike them for it.
Author ScienceGal Posted July 24, 2011 Author Posted July 24, 2011 Thanks Wilson. This is another thing I think about. How do you make new friends after a failed relationship? I want to get out and enjoy life.. how do I tell a new guy I want to be just friends... doesn't seem like something most men would be interested in.
wilsonx Posted July 24, 2011 Posted July 24, 2011 Thanks Wilson. This is another thing I think about. How do you make new friends after a failed relationship? I want to get out and enjoy life.. how do I tell a new guy I want to be just friends... doesn't seem like something most men would be interested in. You would be surprised... I meet girls all the time and that's all I want, if a girl tells me that I'm in. I stay away from girls in relationships though because I do not want to cause any animosity. I do not know how many female friends you have but you should start building THAT up before you build guy friends I do not know if you are into sports but I just started playing kickball. There are 2 huge leagues.... http://www.teamwaar.com and http://www.kickball.com Im not going to lie, Im terrible but I have met over 75 people easily in 5 weeks and I can easily find time to hang out with any one I choose. Also look at meetup.com. I use to use this site before I met my ex just to go out and meet new people and have fun
moontiger Posted August 6, 2011 Posted August 6, 2011 Definitely wait, SG. Don't wait *too* long but wait until you are over it. The way I fell in with my most recent ex was that he was a rebound from my ex-ex. I had a five month relationship, ex-ex dumped me, and I was angry and swore that he wouldn't knock me down and that I would take my life back. So I jumped back into dating and put an ad up the next day thinking I'd just look around. Well, I met my ex. He was wrong on paper. But he was so loving and attentive and sweet and persistent that I let hope override my intuition and thought I'd finally met "The One." The "attentive" and "sweet" and "persistent" hid this: He was needy and depressed and unhappy with himself. I attracted him probably because at the time I was that way too. Be sure to give yourself enough time before you jump back into the dating pool. Much love, MT
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