I am the dumper and I don't want to break up.

[pinetree]

Hello, it's my first time posting here. I was with him for 2+ years, and last night I told him I wanted a break. He agreed and it's been 9 hours since then.

 

Well I have a confession to make. I don't want to take a break.

 

I told him I wanted a break because I wanted him to pay attention. It's pathetic, I know, but it definitely was NOT intentional. I always realize after I hang up that all I ever wanted was just reassurance, some sort of confirmation of his unchanged love. And when it hits me, it's all too late.

 

But he agreed with me and never tried to convince me otherwise. That's how we ended up on a break.

 

I don't know if this happens just with me, because I only have a few girlfriends and most of them are single. I feel like an insecure attention whore who got herself trapped. When he said "yeah, I think we should take a break too" my heart fell apart into pieces but I couldn't tell him.

 

I know I asked for it, but I just hate him for that.

 

 

 

I don't want to love him anymore. I know him pretty well, and he's the kind of guy that means what he says. No twists. So I know that when he agreed, there were no other i intentions or hidden meanings to that; he really was okay with taking a break.

 

And I'm not.

 

 

So here I am, unable to sleep until 8 am, feeling unloved and pathetic. I don't want to call him or text him so I was going to give my phone away to my mom, but I just can't get myself to do that because I'm worried that he might call.

 

and at the same time I resent him so much and am so sure that he doesn't care, that I want to break up. But something inside me tells me that you have already ruined everything as it is, so better stay quiet. It also tells me that you're just doing it for attention.

 

 

Agony and pain aren't enough words to describe how I feel. I desperately need my friends but they are all away in different countries or states. Writing this has helped me feel better, but I don't know how long it will last. I just hope I won't give in and call him today...

[thelovingkind]

Has he lately seemed distant, withdrawn, vacant? When my ex started losing feelings for me I became rather like you - craving reassurance and setting up playful moments in conversations that would hopefully prompt him to offer that to me. I never got that reassurance because his feelings were waning.

 

One moment, for example, I talked about booking a hotel room for a night we'd arranged a couple months down the track. I remember saying "Well, I'm going to book it... but that means you can't break up with me!" Of course I hoped for an "Oh yeah, as if that's going to happen!" but instead I got a "Why not??"

 

It sounds like this could be what's happening here. He's lost interest but hasn't yet articulated that and so you're trying to nearly sabotage the relationship in order to make him fight for it.

 

Anyway, I think you should call him. Get this resolved. I absolutely hated, hated playing those stupid push-pull games in the final two weeks of the relationship. It's miserable and corrosive to your self-esteem and dignity. A break is not going to resolve whatever is going on here. He's your partner, not someone who you should be playing games with and trying to call each other's bluff. Either you're on the same page, or your not.

[pinetree]

He isn't so withdrawn.. or he always has been and I got so used to it. I've had a friend of mine calling my relatioship "tragic", since the friend always saw me so hung up on my boyfriend emotionally but he seemed very ignorant and nonchalant about it.

 

It's not that he doesn't love me, he's just very, very ignorant of all the subtle feelings that I feel. I always try my best to tell him exactly how I feel but there are things that he does that still hurts. (like agreeing to be on a break...) We live in different states and we don't get to see each other as much as we'd like to. He also has many other friends besides me that he loves hanging out with. All these make me feel like he will live just fine without me and I'm not as important as he is to me.

 

And if I mentioned that to him, he would just shrug his shoulders and say "there's nothing I can do about that." I know he is trying to be sincere, but that can really hurt.

 

 

It's now 10:00am and I haven't been able to sleep all night. I went out and drank one of those "dream waters" lol. Hope that works.

 

 

ps.

 

I read your reply and gathered every courage to give him a call. His phone was off (and I felt sick...) so I sent him a text. I called him again later because I was so miserable and thought that his phone was probably off, but the signal went and I just dropped the call. Ugh. That was just so stupid. I hope I'll be able to sleep through his call if he ever cals back.

Edited July 23, 2011 by pinetree

[lillypolo]

gosh I really do feel for you. Theloving kind: thats exactly how my relationship ended- quite a while back and I'm still struggling to come to terms with it- because I loved him so much - he just changed and suddenly I wasnt good enough for him to even try and make things right... its so sad when that happens - but I suppose its life-i either of you want to get in contact and have a chat- it'd be nice to discuss this sort of thing - i find it helps for both parties x

[pinetree]

Thank you, lillypolo for your kind response! Good timing too, since I just broke up with him for good.

 

I talked to him on the phone as you all have suggested. It turns out that he did want a break from our relationship because he was just tired of it all. But the thing with me is that I'm so needy(...) and insecure that I can't cope with my partner wanting to take a break. It just made me feel like his feelings for me have changed.

 

So I made the same mistake again, told him we should break up. (thelovingkind, you were right, it was just self-sabotage.) Again he didn't object. I told him how I felt - that I felt insecure about his feelings for me but initially had no thoughts of breaking up, but his response has made me realize that he doesn't really care anymore. He didn't say much to that.

 

So here I am, on the first day of break-up. I called my friend up and he made me feel a lot better just by joking around buy I know it's gonna hit me later on.

 

All I can do is just getting ready for it. I'm planning to throw away my phone so I won't be able to text or call him when my feelings change. Try to keep myself busy and occupied too, since all the alone time is surely going to make me feel crappy..

[lillypolo]

Thank you, lillypolo for your kind response! Good timing too, since I just broke up with him for good.

 

I talked to him on the phone as you all have suggested. It turns out that he did want a break from our relationship because he was just tired of it all. But the thing with me is that I'm so needy(...) and insecure that I can't cope with my partner wanting to take a break. It just made me feel like his feelings for me have changed.

 

So I made the same mistake again, told him we should break up. (thelovingkind, you were right, it was just self-sabotage.) Again he didn't object. I told him how I felt - that I felt insecure about his feelings for me but initially had no thoughts of breaking up, but his response has made me realize that he doesn't really care anymore. He didn't say much to that.

 

So here I am, on the first day of break-up. I called my friend up and he made me feel a lot better just by joking around buy I know it's gonna hit me later on.

 

All I can do is just getting ready for it. I'm planning to throw away my phone so I won't be able to text or call him when my feelings change. Try to keep myself busy and occupied too, since all the alone time is surely going to make me feel crappy..

 

hello,

I'm sorry to hear that- I know it may seem empty and generic advice but it sounds as if it is for the best. If he really didn't care anymore, you're luck to be free to find someone who does care and DOES make you a priority. I was in the same position, and not to scare you but I was depressed and broken hearted for a good 6 months or so (though he broke up with me), but after this time i met an incredible man who really cares for me and looks after me, and i'm sure you will do too some day. Unfortunatly i have another 3 years at uni with my ex, so i guess thats hwy its taking me so long to get over it - but hey- life goes on, i wish you all the best. you sound strong so i bet you'll be fine

 

xx

[Woggle]

This is an example of why stupid games in a relationship do no good.

[thelovingkind]

It is an example of how stupid games do no good, but there's also a positive example here - of how following your instincts and locking things down quickly can do a world of good by resolving things quickly. Once, I dragged this period out for a good three months during my ex's "detachment" phase. Last time I let that continue not more than two weeks before I brought things to a close. I felt much better about it, and I'm glad I didn't take people's advice to just "play it cool" and "not be needy", etc. My gut said something was off, and so I pulled on the thread of that feeling until I found what was on the other end. I'm really glad that you did the same too, pinetree, even if through inadvertent self-sabotage - I mean I'm terribly sorry that you had to break up, it is no less heartbreaking - but it's clear from the quiet frustration and misery in your posts that you've been letting things slip away from you and this closure is just what you need.

 

Remember, when you find you're in a position of playing games, it's bad not merely because games are childish. The problem is more fundamental than that: the relationship has changed at its core nature so that you are now no longer partners competing together against the world, but you are competitors competing against each other. No one wants to be in that situation with someone they love. It's understandable why we get there, but when you find yourself in that "competing" mindset, alarm bells should ring. You either need to get your partner back on your side of the court, or call the game off.