whichwayisup Posted July 23, 2011 Posted July 23, 2011 he is 11 years older than me Do you have kids now? Do you want kids with him? Is he interested in starting a family with you?
Author perfection walking Posted July 23, 2011 Author Posted July 23, 2011 he is 11 years older than me we've tried seperation and your right, it is extremely difficult to stay away from one another when you are so in love.
Author perfection walking Posted July 23, 2011 Author Posted July 23, 2011 Do you have kids now? Do you want kids with him? Is he interested in starting a family with you? I have a daughter, am in my early 40's, he in his early 50's. I'm not interested in having more children
bentnotbroken Posted July 23, 2011 Posted July 23, 2011 I have a daughter, am in my early 40's, he in his early 50's. I'm not interested in having more children So what would you tell her if she were in your position waiting on man who is married and lying to his wife and mistress?
MissBee Posted July 23, 2011 Posted July 23, 2011 (edited) Involved with a married man for 1 1/2 years. We are deeply in love (sparing everyone the mushy details). Everything is perfect except he's married (25 years). He wants to leave his wife and believes she is done with the marriage as well but her father is dying (cancer) and he doesnt want to leave the family at a time like this, wants a mutual parting with dignity. Another issue, his children are grown and he is concerned divorce will affect his relationship with them (another reason to present divorce as mutual). He says I'm the love of his life and he wants to be with me forever but we have to get through this before we can be together. Dont know what to do. I believe him. Am I fooling myself? Will we be together? The only way to know if it is authentic and he is being truthful is if along with him saying you are the love of his life, he wants to be with you forever etc...you also see him making consistent effort to keep his word. I understand the circumstances are difficult but if he is serious then he will start making the gradual steps to give you what you want and what he says he wants. A timeline is tricky, but I'd be very watchful about his actions, as words are very nice and easily digested (even when there is no substance there), and give myself a time period in which, if nothing significant has happened, I can check to see if this person is just blowing hot air, is reneging on what they've said OR if they are doing something meaningful to accomplish the goals they've said they had. The tricky part is being able to be authentic to yourself and what you REALLY want (in all kinds of relationships, people bend, shift and compromise beyond measure to have something rather than "nothing"), would you be able to walk away if you saw that after being together 3 years nothing has changed? That's the hard part. You love this person....you want to believe them, even if light of evidence or the lack thereof sometimes, sooo you may end up waiting who knows how long as year after year goes by. So that's what you have to be careful of and be watchful about. Edited July 23, 2011 by MissBee
Author perfection walking Posted July 23, 2011 Author Posted July 23, 2011 The only way to know if it is authentic and he is being truthful is if along with him saying you are the love of his life, he wants to be with you forever etc...you also see him making consistent effort to keep his word. I understand the circumstances are difficult but if he is serious then he will start making the gradual steps to give you what you want and what he says he wants. A timeline is tricky, but I'd be very watchful about his actions, as words are very nice and easily digested (even when there is no substance there), and give myself a time period in which, if nothing significant has happened, I can check to see if this person is just blowing hot air, is reneging on what they've said OR if they are doing something meaningful to accomplish the goals they've said they had. The tricky part is being able to be authentic to yourself and what you REALLY want (in all kinds of relationships, people bend, shift and compromise beyond measure to have something rather than "nothing"), would you be able to walk away if you saw that after being together 3 years nothing has changed? That's the hard part. You love this person....you want to believe them, even if light of evidence or the lack thereof sometimes, sooo you may end up waiting who knows how long as year after year goes by. So that's what you have to be careful of and be watchful about. I believe him when he says he loves me and wants to be with me forever. His actions demonstrate the same. He is taking steps to seperate from his wife. I guess thats the bottom line...I believe him. So I wait...
whichwayisup Posted July 23, 2011 Posted July 23, 2011 I believe him when he says he loves me and wants to be with me forever. His actions demonstrate the same. He is taking steps to seperate from his wife. I guess thats the bottom line...I believe him. So I wait... Put a time limit on this and let his actions meet his words. You say his actions are demonstrating the same.. Maybe he is telling the truth and just biding his time before coming clean to his wife and telling her he wants a divorce, or he is giving you some hope so you'll stay in his life and keep the A going for as long as he can. Just because you love eachother doesn't mean he has to be yours. Sometimes "Love" isn't enough. The glue that holds a family together, that bond is quite strong..And, if his wife wants to try to save the marriage, depending how much she loves him and wants to fight for her marriage, things can change instantly.. I don't mean to sound pessimisstic, but just don't put all your eggs in one basket. I would hope in a year from now you aren't still waiting and nothing has changed, that he is still waiting to talk to his wife about divorcing her. Either way, how this goes if he does divorce, the sh.it will hit the fan, his wife will feel like he stayed out of pity or obligation (dying parent) and chances are the whole family will resent him, and if he comes clean and tells her the truth, he met and fell for someone else, the fall out will be huge and he'll lose a lot of respect and love from his family members, and inlaws, not just his children.
alexandria35 Posted July 23, 2011 Posted July 23, 2011 I believe him when he says he loves me and wants to be with me forever. His actions demonstrate the same. He is taking steps to seperate from his wife. I guess thats the bottom line...I believe him. So I wait... Going home to live with his wife is taking steps towards leaving?
alexandria35 Posted July 23, 2011 Posted July 23, 2011 My thoughts are that every situation is unique as are the individuals involved. He may leave his wife to be with you; he may not. You will quickly find that LS is a place with a lot of doom and gloom, and many of the people who post on this OW/OM forum are betrayed spouses, so keep that in mind when reading responses. Many married men do leave their wives for other women (even though some will tell you men *never* leave). Just Google "my husband is leaving me for another woman" and see how many pages of stories that pulls up. I do agree with a PP that, for your own sanity and peace of mind, it may be best to tell him to get back in touch with you once divorce proceedings have started... but I know from experience that it is very difficult to do once you are in love with someone. What is your age difference, if you don't mind me asking? Yep...I'm sure there are lots of stories like this out there, but a married man leaving for his OW doesn't mean he won't go back to his wife. A married man leaving, doesn't mean that he is going to get divorced, marry his OW and have a long succesfull marriage with her. In the big picture, a married guy leaving his wife or saying he is going to leave his wife, often doesn't amount to very much at all. After you're done with your google search, why don't you google "why does my boyfriend keep going back to his wife" or "how can I make my boyfriend leave his wife" and have yourself a little gander at those sad pathetic stories.
Author perfection walking Posted July 23, 2011 Author Posted July 23, 2011 Going home to live with his wife is taking steps towards leaving? sorry, they have two homes. He lives in one, she the other
jj33 Posted July 23, 2011 Posted July 23, 2011 Involved with a married man for 1 1/2 years. We are deeply in love (sparing everyone the mushy details). Everything is perfect except he's married (25 years). He wants to leave his wife and believes she is done with the marriage as well but her father is dying (cancer) and he doesnt want to leave the family at a time like this, wants a mutual parting with dignity. Another issue, his children are grown and he is concerned divorce will affect his relationship with them (another reason to present divorce as mutual). He says I'm the love of his life and he wants to be with me forever but we have to get through this before we can be together. Dont know what to do. I believe him. Am I fooling myself? Will we be together? This is difficult. Im not evern sure where I come out on this. On the one hand in this day and age sadly lots of people get cancer and its likely that everyone on this board has been touched by it in one way or another, if not being diagnosed themselves, then most everyone knows a friend or family member or someone who has had cancer at some point in time. And when someone has cancer they can be slowly dying for years. Not that we want to kill off her father but realistically he could survive another month or he could survive another 5 years. And to be callous, its not like SHE has cancer. So on the one hand, her father is dying and she may feel like her world is crumbling around her because of it and he doesnt want to add to that. Thats not going to change when her father dies. She will need time to greive the loss and would, one would think, want those she loves near and need their support. So if there is a sense of duty it lasts longer than the day of the funeral. You say they have 2 houses. Do they live in separate houses? If they do, then why wait? yes its nice for it to be mutual but if it hasnt been mutual yet, it may not be mutual after her father dies. If they have a friendly relationship it doesnt mean that he cant support her while her father dies and they get a divorce. Hate to say it but unless she is her father's primary caretaker, in which case divorce is something she would have no emotional space for right now, it sounds to me like he wants to come out of this smelling like a rose and that may never happen. He may have to put on his big boy pants and ask for what he wants.
bentnotbroken Posted July 23, 2011 Posted July 23, 2011 sorry, they have two homes. He lives in one, she the other This makes no sense. If they are so emotionally disconnected that they are living in two separate homes, there is no reason for him to be there for her. If he is only there for her as a friend, he can do that from your house.
jj33 Posted July 23, 2011 Posted July 23, 2011 OP, I see you said he is taking steps. If he is taking steps then I think the real issue is whether you are happy at the speed at which he is moving. He may need to give up on the idea of smelling like a rose and deal with his childrens anger if they are angry that he left.
whichwayisup Posted July 23, 2011 Posted July 23, 2011 sorry, they have two homes. He lives in one, she the other Do they speak every day by phone? How often does he go to see her? Does she come to his place visit? Or them living apart is the separation, or is it just because of work and not wanting to do the long drive? Can you verify any of what he's telling you? Has he spoken to a lawyer and if so, can he prove it to you? I hope for your sake he isn't pulling what BB's MM did to her. And, because you love him so deeply, you may not be seeing the little red flags or seeing things the way others do on here. You know him, we don't, we can only go by what you say about him on here. Have you asked him when he does go home, if he still has sex with his wife?
Gentlegirl Posted July 23, 2011 Posted July 23, 2011 I don't understand why he is going back to his wife so that he can get a divorce???? Surely he would be staying away if he were serious. It makes no sense to me. Do you understand why he is going back yourself ? am I missing something? Gentlegirl
whichwayisup Posted July 23, 2011 Posted July 23, 2011 He got a job in my home town 3 years ago, his wife moved here with him but she has a job too and didnt care for the commute or being away from home. Surely he would be staying away if he were serious. It makes no sense to me. It seems this is more of a distance thing than a 'separation' on the way to divorce.
fooled once Posted July 24, 2011 Posted July 24, 2011 My thoughts are that every situation is unique as are the individuals involved. He may leave his wife to be with you; he may not. You will quickly find that LS is a place with a lot of doom and gloom, and many of the people who post on this OW/OM forum are betrayed spouses, so keep that in mind when reading responses. Many married men do leave their wives for other women (even though some will tell you men *never* leave). Just Google "my husband is leaving me for another woman" and see how many pages of stories that pulls up. I do agree with a PP that, for your own sanity and peace of mind, it may be best to tell him to get back in touch with you once divorce proceedings have started... but I know from experience that it is very difficult to do once you are in love with someone. What is your age difference, if you don't mind me asking? actually, many of the posters here are former OW And why would you want her to think it is sunshine and roses to be involved in an affair? OP, I don't see him leaving. I see him going home to his wife to be there for her right now, since I am getting the impression that her father was recently diagnosed. Additionally, since he has been the son in law for 25 years, he possibly has a close relationship with her dad. You have already put in 1.5 years of your life on a guy who is married. Had he even planned on going home to 'divorce' prior to the cancer diagnosis? Sounds like he has been very happy to have a wife and a mistress. You say you have a child - does your child know you are sleeping with a married man? You say his kids are adults - do you really think they are going to not question the sudden occurrence of a new woman in dad's life? Do you not think they are not going to figure out that dad has been having an affair and lying to them/their mom? Do you really really not see any RED flags here? Go ahead and wait. That's your perogative. But when this drags on for another 2-5 years, remember that you believe him and he is just so truthful and faithful. You say how you know he is not lying because he loves you. Guess what, he loved/loves his wife and look at what he has done behind her back??? Do you not see that an affair is built on LIES? He sounds like a coward. He wants HER to kick him out; he wants HER to initiate divorce. What if she never does? I know he seems to think he knows her mind; but considering he is 'in love' with you, why would he care what she does or thinks? If he loves you, isn't it his purpose to be with you? Why can't he just tell her now, when he is away from her, that the marriage is over? Many, many many people divorce....without there being infidelity. He has chosen to cheat instead of be honest and upfront, which makes him a coward in my eyes. If he loved you, he wouldn't keep you a hidden secret. He would shout it to the stars how much he loves you. ..... but he can't, his wife might find out
browndog319 Posted July 25, 2011 Posted July 25, 2011 Was just thinking more about the OP's situation. Of course I'm more cynical than I used to be :mad:but not just from my own experience but reading here and other places. If I were you..........I'd be very skeptical. 25 years is a long, long time and if the shtye hits the fan, most of them go back and beg for reconciliation and a lot of them want to keep both relationships going. Add in the kids coming unglued. Lots of odds against it happening. I'm not intentionally being debbie downer but you need to be realistic and accept that the odds aren't in your favor of him leaving. Why is the length of the marriage something that you point out? I find your insight very helpful and I'm interested in your thinking around this in particular?
Silly_Girl Posted July 25, 2011 Posted July 25, 2011 And why would you want her to think it is sunshine and roses to be involved in an affair? Where's that bit please? I read Cabin's post several times but couldn't spot it.
mzdolphin Posted July 25, 2011 Posted July 25, 2011 Involved with a married man for 1 1/2 years. We are deeply in love (sparing everyone the mushy details). Everything is perfect except he's married (25 years). He wants to leave his wife and believes she is done with the marriage as well but her father is dying (cancer) and he doesnt want to leave the family at a time like this, wants a mutual parting with dignity. Another issue, his children are grown and he is concerned divorce will affect his relationship with them (another reason to present divorce as mutual). He says I'm the love of his life and he wants to be with me forever but we have to get through this before we can be together. Dont know what to do. I believe him. Am I fooling myself? Will we be together? 1) I think you are 2) Probably Not, unless you consider sneaking around being together.
Gentlegirl Posted July 25, 2011 Posted July 25, 2011 I have done much reading about men who have affairs... especially the men who have been married a long, long time. It would seem that many of them have had massive problems in their marriages for a lot of years. They seem to lack the courage to face up and work it out or leave. To them it is easier to seek an alternative and use another person, rather than face that they have lied a lie for a long time. I agree with BB that a long term marriage involves a whole community of people, intertwined by the marriage. It gets harder as time goes on to cut all those ties and start again. Please be very aware of that. Cheers, Gentlegirl
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