perfection walking Posted July 23, 2011 Posted July 23, 2011 Involved with a married man for 1 1/2 years. We are deeply in love (sparing everyone the mushy details). Everything is perfect except he's married (25 years). He wants to leave his wife and believes she is done with the marriage as well but her father is dying (cancer) and he doesnt want to leave the family at a time like this, wants a mutual parting with dignity. Another issue, his children are grown and he is concerned divorce will affect his relationship with them (another reason to present divorce as mutual). He says I'm the love of his life and he wants to be with me forever but we have to get through this before we can be together. Dont know what to do. I believe him. Am I fooling myself? Will we be together?
bentnotbroken Posted July 23, 2011 Posted July 23, 2011 Involved with a married man for 1 1/2 years. We are deeply in love (sparing everyone the mushy details). Everything is perfect except he's married (25 years). He wants to leave his wife and believes she is done with the marriage as well but her father is dying (cancer) and he doesnt want to leave the family at a time like this, wants a mutual parting with dignity. Another issue, his children are grown and he is concerned divorce will affect his relationship with them (another reason to present divorce as mutual). He says I'm the love of his life and he wants to be with me forever but we have to get through this before we can be together. Dont know what to do. I believe him. (1)Am I fooling myself? (2)Will we be together? 1) probably 2)who knows
bentnotbroken Posted July 23, 2011 Posted July 23, 2011 Involved with a married man for 1 1/2 years. We are deeply in love (sparing everyone the mushy details). Everything is perfect except he's married (25 years). He wants to leave his wife and believes she is done with the marriage as well but her father is dying (cancer) and he doesnt want to leave the family at a time like this, wants a mutual parting with dignity. Another issue, his children are grown and he is concerned divorce will affect his relationship with them (another reason to present divorce as mutual). He says I'm the love of his life and he wants to be with me forever but we have to get through this before we can be together. Dont know what to do. I believe him. (1)Am I fooling myself? (2)Will we be together? 1) probably 2)who knows There is nothing unique about your situation. The fantasy of a leaving with dignity.....may be a little late for him. Divorcing mutually but not cheating mutually.....hmmmmm. Sounds a bit hypocritical.
woinlove Posted July 23, 2011 Posted July 23, 2011 Involved with a married man for 1 1/2 years. We are deeply in love (sparing everyone the mushy details). Everything is perfect except he's married (25 years). He wants to leave his wife and believes she is done with the marriage as well but her father is dying (cancer) and he doesnt want to leave the family at a time like this, wants a mutual parting with dignity. Another issue, his children are grown and he is concerned divorce will affect his relationship with them (another reason to present divorce as mutual). He says I'm the love of his life and he wants to be with me forever but we have to get through this before we can be together. Dont know what to do. I believe him. Am I fooling myself? Will we be together? Do you have a plan as to how this will work? How long does he feel he should delay due to the dying father - after he dies and, if so, just a few months or longer after? Then how long after he leaves his wife before he can bring you out in the open? Another 6 months? Basically, he wants to leave without either his wife or children knowing the truth and that is going to take some prolonged deception to pull off which you will have to cooperate with. Are you fine with that? I'd think it could effect your R having to mutually cooperate on prolonged deception involving his spouse and children and then they might figure it out at some point anyway, even after you two go through all the effort of hiding. I'd go for honesty myself.
whichwayisup Posted July 23, 2011 Posted July 23, 2011 Involved with a married man for 1 1/2 years. We are deeply in love (sparing everyone the mushy details). Everything is perfect except he's married (25 years). He wants to leave his wife and believes she is done with the marriage as well but her father is dying (cancer) and he doesnt want to leave the family at a time like this, wants a mutual parting with dignity. Another issue, his children are grown and he is concerned divorce will affect his relationship with them (another reason to present divorce as mutual). He says I'm the love of his life and he wants to be with me forever but we have to get through this before we can be together. Dont know what to do. I believe him. Am I fooling myself? Will we be together? He is telling you he wants to leave but he won't. He is telling you he 'believes' his wife is done with the marriage too. More than likely it's not true.. He probably does love you, but it may not really be enough to walk away from the life he built and go against everything he knows.. The best thing you can do for yourself is back off and try to detach, tell him that if he wants to be with you, he must divorce and put a time limit on it on how long you'll wait, and that the A is over, you do not want to be the OW anymore. There is never a "good" time to divorce, but if he truly does want to, he will.
Author perfection walking Posted July 23, 2011 Author Posted July 23, 2011 We've discussed time....he cant give specifics (cant predict when someone will die). Im not pressuring him to leave. He was planning on leaving when his father-in-law was diagnosed. Because of work, he & wife have lived seperatly for the last 6 months. He is returning home now to begin the seperation/divorce process.
bentnotbroken Posted July 23, 2011 Posted July 23, 2011 Waiting on someone to die to become a man. Sounds charming.
anne1707 Posted July 23, 2011 Posted July 23, 2011 Waiting on someone to die to become a man. Sounds charming. Yes, because if that does happen then the wife will know that the husband only stayed with her that long because he saw her as a charity case.
Author perfection walking Posted July 23, 2011 Author Posted July 23, 2011 We've discussed time....he cant give specifics (cant predict when someone will die). Im not pressuring him to leave. He was planning on leaving when his father-in-law was diagnosed. Because of work, he & wife have lived seperatly for the last 6 months. He is returning home now to begin the seperation/divorce process. What kind of man would he be if he walked away from his family now?
Author perfection walking Posted July 23, 2011 Author Posted July 23, 2011 Yes, because if that does happen then the wife will know that the husband only stayed with her that long because he saw her as a charity case.[/quote He's staying out of a sense of duty. God, did I just say that?? I havent told another living soul about the A and seeing what ive written makes me sick and sad.
woinlove Posted July 23, 2011 Posted July 23, 2011 We've discussed time....he cant give specifics (cant predict when someone will die). Im not pressuring him to leave. He was planning on leaving when his father-in-law was diagnosed. Because of work, he & wife have lived seperatly for the last 6 months. He is returning home now to begin the seperation/divorce process. I asked those questions about timing because it might be useful for you to think about what you want, how you want to behave. Maybe MM is going how to begin divorcing, but he may also be going home to try to have both his M and you. Just make sure you are doing what you feel good about because MM may not leave his W and if he does it may be a turbulent time with a lot of bad and hurtful behavior. If he is planning to wait for the father to die and then make sure no one suspects anything, it sounds like it will be a long time with you hidden.
bentnotbroken Posted July 23, 2011 Posted July 23, 2011 What kind of man would he be if he walked away from his family now? One with balls and a backbone. One who respects his family enough not to add to their grief by "faking" that he cares. He cares for his image..nothing more. To you he might be a prince, but it is hard to mistake a frog. The croaking is a dead give away.
Gentlegirl Posted July 23, 2011 Posted July 23, 2011 I think you should do some reading here. There are many different scenarios and no two can compare. Good Luck Gentlegirl
whichwayisup Posted July 23, 2011 Posted July 23, 2011 He's staying out of a sense of duty. God, did I just say that?? I havent told another living soul about the A and seeing what ive written makes me sick and sad. Well, why not tell him "goodbye for now" and put everything on hold until he divorces and start off on the right foot by ending the A and getting out of his life to allow him to divorce and deal with the fallout, deal with their kids and settle things financially, sell the house.. Just remember how he is treating his wife, during the worst time of her life, he isn't and hasn't been there for her..The woman he said vows to, carried his children, and he's planning on bailing because one day you could be in his wife's shoes and he won't be there for you.
bentnotbroken Posted July 23, 2011 Posted July 23, 2011 He's staying out of a sense of duty. God, did I just say that?? I havent told another living soul about the A and seeing what ive written makes me sick and sad. His sense of duty leaves a lot to be desired.
bentnotbroken Posted July 23, 2011 Posted July 23, 2011 Well, why not tell him "goodbye for now" and put everything on hold until he divorces and start off on the right foot by ending the A and getting out of his life to allow him to divorce and deal with the fallout, deal with their kids and settle things financially, sell the house.. Just remember how he is treating his wife, during the worst time of her life, he isn't and hasn't been there for her..The woman he said vows to, carried his children, and he's planning on bailing because one day you could be in his wife's shoes and he won't be there for you. Yup..well said.
Cabin Posted July 23, 2011 Posted July 23, 2011 My thoughts are that every situation is unique as are the individuals involved. He may leave his wife to be with you; he may not. You will quickly find that LS is a place with a lot of doom and gloom, and many of the people who post on this OW/OM forum are betrayed spouses, so keep that in mind when reading responses. Many married men do leave their wives for other women (even though some will tell you men *never* leave). Just Google "my husband is leaving me for another woman" and see how many pages of stories that pulls up. I do agree with a PP that, for your own sanity and peace of mind, it may be best to tell him to get back in touch with you once divorce proceedings have started... but I know from experience that it is very difficult to do once you are in love with someone. What is your age difference, if you don't mind me asking?
TurboGirl Posted July 23, 2011 Posted July 23, 2011 You will quickly find that LS is a place with a lot of doom and gloom, and many of the people who post on this OW/OM forum are betrayed spouses, so keep that in mind when reading responses. Many married men do leave their wives for other women (even though some will tell you men *never* leave). Just Google "my husband is leaving me for another woman" and see how many pages of stories that pulls up. Not really "doom and gloom" LS provides a reality check for those stuck in love fog. I'm a FOW with friends who were OW as well and to have things work out as you wish is rare. If your MM is returning home to begin separation (why is he returning home for that??) and divorce, well maybe it is going in the right direction. time will tell.
jwi71 Posted July 23, 2011 Posted July 23, 2011 Yes, because if that does happen then the wife will know that the husband only stayed with her that long because he saw her as a charity case.[/quote He's staying out of a sense of duty. God, did I just say that?? I havent told another living soul about the A and seeing what ive written makes me sick and sad. What kind of man places duty over the wants and needs of the woman he loves? He is showing you in no uncertain terms that, when push comes to shove, he may choose his "duty" over you. And this duty may be work or anything else he feels a responsibility for. Now, while on the surface this seems admirable, it makes me wonder why he doesn't feel a sense of duty to and for YOU. You know, the woman he loves? Be very wary of a man who chooses duty over love - you can never be sure what he will pick when duties collide - the other duty or you? Right now, he picks "not you". Additionally, healthy relationships are NOT hidden - when one says there is no one to talk to about this - you have a serious problem on your hands.
Spark1111 Posted July 23, 2011 Posted July 23, 2011 Involved with a married man for 1 1/2 years. We are deeply in love (sparing everyone the mushy details). Everything is perfect except he's married (25 years). He wants to leave his wife and believes she is done with the marriage as well but her father is dying (cancer) and he doesnt want to leave the family at a time like this, wants a mutual parting with dignity. Another issue, his children are grown and he is concerned divorce will affect his relationship with them (another reason to present divorce as mutual). He says I'm the love of his life and he wants to be with me forever but we have to get through this before we can be together. Dont know what to do. I believe him. Am I fooling myself? Will we be together? PW, life can continously get in the way. After FIL dies, then the family will mourn his passing and that can take --how long? Possibly years. Then someone else may have a crisis, and then what?Another delay. It's like waiting for the perfect, stress-free time to quit smoking. Never happens. It could conceivably NEVER be a good time to divorce. Don't you see this? How long will you be willing to wait? I think it may be a good idea to formulate a resonable timeline and stick, stick, stick to it. No excuses! Or you could be waiting...your whole life away, sorry to say.
Author perfection walking Posted July 23, 2011 Author Posted July 23, 2011 My thoughts are that every situation is unique as are the individuals involved. He may leave his wife to be with you; he may not. You will quickly find that LS is a place with a lot of doom and gloom, and many of the people who post on this OW/OM forum are betrayed spouses, so keep that in mind when reading responses. Many married men do leave their wives for other women (even though some will tell you men *never* leave). Just Google "my husband is leaving me for another woman" and see how many pages of stories that pulls up. I do agree with a PP that, for your own sanity and peace of mind, it may be best to tell him to get back in touch with you once divorce proceedings have started... but I know from experience that it is very difficult to do once you are in love with someone. What is your age difference, if you don't mind me asking? he is 11 years older than me
Author perfection walking Posted July 23, 2011 Author Posted July 23, 2011 Not really "doom and gloom" LS provides a reality check for those stuck in love fog. I'm a FOW with friends who were OW as well and to have things work out as you wish is rare. If your MM is returning home to begin separation (why is he returning home for that??) and divorce, well maybe it is going in the right direction. time will tell. He got a job in my home town 3 years ago, his wife moved here with him but she has a job too and didnt care for the commute or being away from home.
whichwayisup Posted July 23, 2011 Posted July 23, 2011 My thoughts are that every situation is unique as are the individuals involved. He may leave his wife to be with you; he may not. You will quickly find that LS is a place with a lot of doom and gloom, and many of the people who post on this OW/OM forum are betrayed spouses, so keep that in mind when reading responses. Many married men do leave their wives for other women (even though some will tell you men *never* leave). Just Google "my husband is leaving me for another woman" and see how many pages of stories that pulls up. I do agree with a PP that, for your own sanity and peace of mind, it may be best to tell him to get back in touch with you once divorce proceedings have started... but I know from experience that it is very difficult to do once you are in love with someone. What is your age difference, if you don't mind me asking? Actually, not too many actually say they NEVER leave, most say it's RARE and it all depends on the situation and the actual MM himself. If his actions DO match his words and he has an actual plan in place, then yes, it does happen. On LS it IS the norm that most MM do not leave and divorce.
Author perfection walking Posted July 23, 2011 Author Posted July 23, 2011 PW, life can continously get in the way. After FIL dies, then the family will mourn his passing and that can take --how long? Possibly years. Then someone else may have a crisis, and then what?Another delay. It's like waiting for the perfect, stress-free time to quit smoking. Never happens. It could conceivably NEVER be a good time to divorce. Don't you see this? How long will you be willing to wait? I think it may be a good idea to formulate a resonable timeline and stick, stick, stick to it. No excuses! Or you could be waiting...your whole life away, sorry to say. I know there is never a good or perfect time to say you want a divorce. We've discussed the what ifs of another family crisis and whether he would feel obligated to stay. He says he wont. He feels guilty for treating me this way and guilty for treating his wife this way. How long am I willing to wait? I dont know.
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