summerrose Posted July 23, 2011 Posted July 23, 2011 I'm in a relationship, and I'm ready for it to be over I think. I'm miserable, and unhappy. I know I will probably have to bite the bullet and break it off myself, but I'm hoping that somebody out there has some no fail tactic that they always use to get someone to break up with them. I know that if I break up with him, he'll always want to be a part of my life. He'll want to show me that he can get hot girls, and that he's doing well, and when I break up with people, I never want to see them again. I know that if he breaks up with me, he'll move on with his life and avoid me like the plague, which is what I want. I have read 4 common suggestions that I can't use in this relationship, so I'm looking for something other than the following methods. I've also explained why I can't use: 1. Don't answer phone calls or talk to the person -We live together. It just doesnt' work. 2. Act Crazy - for my family life and career, this is not something I can do, or be witnessed doing. I have to always have things together. 3. Cheat on him - I just won't do this to anyone. This has happened to me, and I'd never hurt someone like this. 4. Stop having sexual relations - There's a sexual insecurity/issue there, and I don't want him to feel that that's the reason I don't want to be with him anymore. I think that will do irreparable emotional harm long term, and I don't want him to feel like that. The sex is fine. I don't want to be with him because he's a controlling nag, and stresses me out all the time. He makes poor choices and is a poor judge of character. My life sucks right now because I listened to him, and I'm just tired of the situations I'm finding myself in because of this relationship. Plus I have compromised so much to be with him, my hobbies and interests, and it's just not worth it. He's made countless nonsensical promises I never asked him to make, to my family that we're living with, and if we move while we're still in a relationship it will hurt them. But if we break up, my family will expect me to live somewhere else and live an interesting life. In fact they'll want me to. So this is just another reason I just want him gone. He does not listen to me or the things that I think are important, and I'm just tired of it. He means well, but we're just not right for each other for some reason no matter how hard I try to push down or push aside the way I feel. He's too naive in a way that causes me serious problems. I've been through a lot in life and I've seen a lot, and I have a low tolerance for bs and silliness. He's friendly to the wrong people at the wrong times, he just doesn't get it yet. The best way to describe him to me is like when Judge Judy just yells at someone, "You're an idiot!" There's just some things he has to learn, that I've already learned the hard way. I can't deal with this nonsense. Sorry for rambling. Sorry. So if you guys have any suggestions besides the ones I've listed above and can't use, I'd truly appreciate it. I know this is probably a weird post, but I'd really rather he move on with his life than be an annoying part of mine for years after our break up. If he feels like he's hurt me, then he'll move on I think, and leave me in peace which is really what I want. Thank you for reading.
wilsonx Posted July 23, 2011 Posted July 23, 2011 Well your obviously not happy and its about you so I think its time for YOU to pull the plug and walk away. I respect what you are trying to do and why but if you are truly this unhappy just pack your stuff, end it and walk away. You do not have to tell him anything but its over. Then you go NC from him, suggest this place as a tool to help him cope and let us do the rest.
D-Lish Posted July 23, 2011 Posted July 23, 2011 (edited) You're a coward. If you don't want to be with someone- tell them. It's humiliating to be in a relationship and find out they have no interest in being with you. My ex did this to me- instead of telling me the truth he started treating me badly, because he was scared to pull the plug himself- he was a coward- he wanted to treat me like crap until I pulled the plug and save him any dirty work. Be an adult- be honest. Put on your big girl pants and tell this guy exactly how it is. Edited July 23, 2011 by D-Lish
Exit Posted July 23, 2011 Posted July 23, 2011 Yeah... not to cause any hurt feelings but this is a really immature way of going about it. You may THINK you're doing him a favor, trying to play some mind game to make it so breaking up is HIS idea, and that it'll be better for him that way, but really, you're only worried about what is best for YOU. He's about to get his heart broken, if you have to suck it up and carry a bit of a burden because of the decision you're about to make, then so be it. "I don't want to be with him because he's a controlling nag, and stresses me out all the time. He makes poor choices and is a poor judge of character. My life sucks right now because I listened to him, and I'm just tired of the situations I'm finding myself in because of this relationship. Plus I have compromised so much to be with him, my hobbies and interests, and it's just not worth it." That's all you need to say. And if you don't want him going around pursuing you and being "an annoying part of your life for years to come", then you make the effort to shut as many doors as possible, find a way not to live together, block him on your phone, don't communicate online. Yes, this will take some effort on your part, but god forbid YOU have to experience a little bit of suffering during this process. Or plan B, just show him this very post that you typed out. I think if I was in a committed relationship with someone and saw them not only planning to break up with me, but scheming on how to pull it off in a selfish way that would make it incredibly easy for them, I'd want them out of my life too. Compared to the pain that the person getting dumped faces, the slight inconvenience this process may have on your life is very small. He's gonna be suffering 10 times more than you are. You're trying to take the small percentage of work and suffering that you'll have to do, and add that on to his plate too. Not fair. When you dump someone, you have to deal with the consequences, you have to be stern enough to not allow them to contact you if you really know they have zero chance at changing your mind, you have to be inconvenienced a little bit. You may feel like you had this idea with good intentions, but wow... something is really out of whack with your sense of right and wrong and personal responsibility.
WTRanger Posted July 23, 2011 Posted July 23, 2011 If you are unhappy, own up, and end it. Simple and done.
Author summerrose Posted July 23, 2011 Author Posted July 23, 2011 I've never had to break up with someone who wasn't abusive, or did not cheat on me. This is not something that I'm used to,and yes I am scared to make the wrong decision. I also feel a bit angry that people feel so much compassion for him, when he asked me to change every bit about myself to hang onto him. I never thought I would want to break up with him, but over time, first he asked me to stop designing jewelry because it didnt' make enough money. He's always complaining about money, and harassing me about money. I made more money when he wasn't being harassed and stressed all the time. When he was on the road, I supported myself with jewelry. Then he was so negative about it when he cam back and I wanted to continue, I just felt bad about it and naturally stopped pulling in money out of guilt and fear of losing our relationship. I told him my family had problems, yet he wouldn't listen and told me I couldn't be right, now we're in a screwed up living situation, and he's like I should've listened to you. Like I"ve known my family my whole life, he met them once, and I'm wrong? It's so frustrating to always be right about things, and have been with someone for years now, and he still never listens to me or respects my opinion. Yes he will be hurt, but what about what I've experienced over these years? I know I will have to break up with him probably unless I just tell him how frustrated I am and he changes. More likely though it will break us up. I'm not a bad person, I just know it's hard to have to constantly see someone you're broken up with after the break up, and I want to avoid that.
thelovingkind Posted July 23, 2011 Posted July 23, 2011 You got into a relationship with this guy, so take responsibility for getting yourself out of it. I think it's a pretty lame excuse to say that you don't want him "showing you he can get other girls" and stuff. If you want out of his life, leave it and ask him to respect your space. If he doesn't, delete him and block him from contacting you. If in the rare event that he stalks you, contact the police. (Of course, if he's so distressed that he stalks you then you would never, ever have gotten him to break up with you anyway. So that can hardly be a factor that prevents you taking this path) Honestly, the minor nuisance of having a clingy ex who doesn't quite "get it" is nothing compared to the misery, hurt and confusion that you'll put him and probably yourself through by trying to play some game at making him break up first. A lot of us here have been on the receiving end of exes who have toyed around with passive-aggressiveness, withdrawn interest, unjustified anger over minor problems, etc. at the end of a relationship instead of making a clean, honest break. It's just horrible, lazy, selfish, self-centred behaviour and there's no spinning it otherwise.
Author summerrose Posted July 23, 2011 Author Posted July 23, 2011 (edited) You got into a relationship with this guy, so take responsibility for getting yourself out of it. I think it's a pretty lame excuse to say that you don't want him "showing you he can get other girls" and stuff. If you want out of his life, leave it and ask him to respect your space. If he doesn't, delete him and block him from contacting you. If in the rare event that he stalks you, contact the police. (Of course, if he's so distressed that he stalks you then you would never, ever have gotten him to break up with you anyway. So that can hardly be a factor that prevents you taking this path) Honestly, the minor nuisance of having a clingy ex who doesn't quite "get it" is nothing compared to the misery, hurt and confusion that you'll put him and probably yourself through by trying to play some game at making him break up first. A lot of us here have been on the receiving end of exes who have toyed around with passive-aggressiveness, withdrawn interest, unjustified anger over minor problems, etc. at the end of a relationship instead of making a clean, honest break. It's just horrible, lazy, selfish, self-centred behaviour and there's no spinning it otherwise. You're a coward. If you don't want to be with someone- tell them. It's humiliating to be in a relationship and find out they have no interest in being with you. My ex did this to me- instead of telling me the truth he started treating me badly, because he was scared to pull the plug himself- he was a coward- he wanted to treat me like crap until I pulled the plug and save him any dirty work. Be an adult- be honest. Put on your big girl pants and tell this guy exactly how it is. Yes, now that I look back on things, I've been on the receiving end as well of weird relationship behavior before the end. I never realized that that's what it was until now. A few guys have done that to me. I haven't done that yet because I have been trying to figure out what I wanted to do or whether we can make it work. My emotions only come out sometimes because we are in a horrible living situation with my ridiculous family, and that is just natural under these circumstances. I'm not the loud or angry type, I think it makes me more withdrawn when it comes to that. But other stuff I just hold in because I'm not sure what I want to do yet. I might try just telling him exactly how I feel, even though I told him how angry it made me that he doesn't listen to me, how frustrating it is that he's friendly to the wrong people, and how I hate listening to him whine about money all day, and how he doesn't respect the little things I ask him to do around the house like soaking flatware since we don't have a dishwasher. He just throws it in the sink and lets the food harden and leaves the dishes for me to scrub without care. I have said all these things at different times. But I guess I should say how I feel, all things at once, and just bite the bullet if things don't change. You guys are right about taking responsibility for being with him. I had warning signs in the beginning, but this relationship has taught me to finally trust my instincts, and stop living for others and take responsibility for my own choices. Like I should never have quit designing jewelry because he wanted me to, or tried to be closer to my family that had hurt me so deeply if that's not what I wanted, because now I have to be responsible for my decisions and it sucks. Never again. I like this forum. Thank you for sharing what you guys went through personally. That really helped me in a way I didn't know that I needed, making me look at my past experiences. Thank you for taking the time. Seeing that blast from the past made me realize that he wants to break up too. He's acting weird for no reason all the time. My emotions come from the apartment issues, but his crop up out of the blue. So he probably feels the same way that I do. Hmm. Interesting. You know it's funny. I almost broke up with him several times in the beginning of the relationship because I wanted to listen to my instincts, but I just couldn't go through with it because he was always so sweet after the breakup, and I felt I'd made a huge mistake. And he was even acting passive aggressive, making weird little comments before I would finally break it off. I think he's been running this whole game on me in moderate doses throughout the relationship at different times. Like the whole suddenly I'm an awesome catch behavior after I finally break it off that makes me feel so guilty. And he's acted weird before I tried to walk away both times. This time his behavior is much stronger and he flips out at even the slightest inconvenience, not finding something at the grocery store, spilling something, not knowing an appointment time in my head and having to check where I wrote it down, and of course anything money related, so this time is the worst than the weird behavior has ever been, but I think he's been trying to get me to break up with him for months now. Interesting. Oh my goodness, now I see why I can't get over my feelings and push them down. Like I've never been so frustrated in a situation. I mean even if I feel bad about something, I can usually just focus on other things when I need to, but this is like a constant cloud. And when he's gone, I start feeling like okay when he comes home I'll just be positive and we'll just work through it, and then he comes home and snaps at me over something silly all the time, never fails. Every time I set my mind to be nice and work it out, he says or does something passive aggressive or snappy. Lol. He's trying to frustrate me so much so that I go ahead and break it off. It actually makes me feel better. I couldn't figure out why I couldn't push my feelings down and see things more positively. Wow. I see this relationship in a whole new perspective, my goodness. So much makes sense. Thank you so much. Edited July 23, 2011 by summerrose
sun_moon Posted July 23, 2011 Posted July 23, 2011 Ok so just let us know what and when you pull the trigger. Just be honest and lay your boundaries, and for the love of God, please don't accept a friendship.
Art_Critic Posted July 23, 2011 Posted July 23, 2011 Just be an adult about it and talk to the guy, break up and then stick to your boundary's.. geez...
123321 Posted July 23, 2011 Posted July 23, 2011 I'm in a relationship, and I'm ready for it to be over I think. Step 1, move out. Seriously. Step 2, "This isn't working, I'm sorry, good bye" You're a coward. OK so you're more direct than I am, and I didn't think that was possible. Well played. I've never had to break up with someone who wasn't abusive, or did not cheat on me. If you want to break up do it otherwise don't.
Art_Critic Posted July 23, 2011 Posted July 23, 2011 If you want him to break up with you .. send him a link to this thread...... im sure he will after reading it.... .... so true....
Art_Critic Posted July 23, 2011 Posted July 23, 2011 hmmm... this makes no sense at all!!!! im sorry ..but you sound really really selfish.. and should probably she a shrink .. you sound like you might have borderline personality disorder.... good luck! hahaha... WTF ? a medical diagnosis all from a post on the internet that is only a few paragraphs long.. boy.. I hope you don't diagnose your friends and family, by the sounds of it you might have NPD /jk
FeelingSmall Posted July 24, 2011 Posted July 24, 2011 you would be surprised how accurate i can be..Lol..lol..lol..lol.. but she sounds like she has issues.... cause i mean .. come on ...!!!!! "I want him to break up with me because that way he will be out of my life... and move on " LOL... .. i mean .. she is bent!! lol I don't think she's "Bent" I don't particularly think this is a great way to go about things. It's lazy, selfish and pretty obvious down the road, if not right away to the person on the receiving end. Really though I hear about it happening all the time, been done to me in the past, most of my friends, some of the people I know use this method all the time. Not all that uncommon. Own it, let the guy know where things went wrong, fight the urge to respond to him later, allow him to heal and maybe grow from things. He'd be much better off knowing his mistakes so he could have the chance to improve himself later.
WTRanger Posted July 24, 2011 Posted July 24, 2011 you would be surprised how accurate i can be..Lol..lol..lol..lol.. but she sounds like she has issues.... cause i mean .. come on ...!!!!! "I want him to break up with me because that way he will be out of my life... and move on " LOL... .. i mean .. she is bent!! lol Well, I for one, am always assured at the medical advice I get from people over abuse LOL or even us LOL.
Geya Posted July 25, 2011 Posted July 25, 2011 Sorry this angers me! My ex was one of those who did a back handed breakup & it as truly painful & disgusting & cowardly.. Woman up and tell someone you don't want to be with them, what the hell is so hard about that? That you won't be "the good girl" you wanted him to believe you were? You don't want to deal with the guilt? Treating some one badly until they breakup with you should make you feel a whole lot guiltier, that's called being FAKE and being manipulative.. Don't try to control some ones mind and try to get them to do what you have to do yourself.. Meet him and tell him I think it's time we g on our own ways, whatever he does after that is non of your business , if he gets with hot girls that's up to him, you broke up with him, only if he stalks you and bothers you or won't leave you alone shall you do something about it.. And don't use your assumptions of the way he'll react after you breakup with him as an excuse to give a back handed breakup, those are just excuses
TheFamilyMan Posted July 25, 2011 Posted July 25, 2011 If the relationship is not working, and you do not want to be with him, what do any of the points you made have to do with how it ends? I understand you don't want to have anything to do with him but that's 100% possible if you break up with him. Just ignore him, change your #, etc. Or if you're trying to get him to breakup with you just do the complete opposite of what he "nags" about while still sticking to your values. Just honestly breaking up with him is definitely the best bet though...
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