zengirl Posted July 24, 2011 Posted July 24, 2011 Can I ask a question? Is it always wrong for a person in a relationship to give out their number to someone of the opposite sex after having a friendly conversation with them? As in, is that ever acceptable?? Like, if the two people have a nice conversation and they say, "Hey, it was great meeting you! We should catch up again sometime! and they exchange numbers... Is that, always, a BAD thing to do???? I just want to know for if i'm ever in this situation, or to know if I should accept this from someone I date in the future. No. In this case, I think it was wrong because (a) This man seemed to have an obvious romantic interest in her and it was a "meet cute" type situation---there's no real reason for continued contact. Even if she said she had a BF, it wasn't really appropriate to give out her number to him. (b) She knew it was wrong. I certainly have male friends who have my phone number, and I've made male friends (not sought them out specifically but met someone who became my friend) even while in relationships. But it really depends on the circumstances and people involved.
chuckles11 Posted July 24, 2011 Posted July 24, 2011 Good gravy, this is what happens when you ask for advice on a board full of angry, bitter people! Interesting that you are calling others angry and bitter, but couldn't give advice without taking a passive aggressive shot at the other posters. Can I ask a question? Is it always wrong for a person in a relationship to give out their number to someone of the opposite sex after having a friendly conversation with them? As in, is that ever acceptable?? Like, if the two people have a nice conversation and they say, "Hey, it was great meeting you! We should catch up again sometime! and they exchange numbers... Is that, always, a BAD thing to do???? I just want to know for if i'm ever in this situation, or to know if I should accept this from someone I date in the future. Maybe I'm just the jealous type, but I'd be wary if my GF gave her phone number out to any strange men, unless they were any a situation where they interact regularly (co-workers, school, etc.) I wouldn't be comfortable with her giving her phone number out at bars, to guys meets at grocery stores, on planes, etc.
EasyHeart Posted July 24, 2011 Posted July 24, 2011 Interesting that you are calling others angry and bitter, but couldn't give advice without taking a passive aggressive shot at the other posters.Where did I do that?
zengirl Posted July 24, 2011 Posted July 24, 2011 Where did I do that? I think the assumption is that you're being passive aggressive by calling people bitter in the thread, but that's actually not PA at all. It might be aggressive (albeit mildly) but it's plenty direct. And FTR I agree with you. I see no reason to assume that just because she's upset something larger happened. But I feel super guilty when I accidentally flirt with a guy (accidentally meaning I wasn't, but the guy thought I was!) while in a relationship. I don't cry because I'm not a crier. But I think it's a bit bizarre to suggest she couldn't possibly feel quite guilty for what actually happened; a good person would feel just that. I don't know if people are 'bitter' on here, but they're certainly cynical. I mean, it's a very cynical POV to suggest she's some sort of super clever liar who knows that parceling out a half-truth and some sort of guilty act would get her off the hook for something she never had to confess in the first place.
EasyHeart Posted July 24, 2011 Posted July 24, 2011 I think the assumption is that you're being passive aggressive by calling people bitter in the thread, but that's actually not PA at all. It might be aggressive (albeit mildly) but it's plenty direct. Whew! Aggression was my intent; I certainly didn't mean to be passive! (but I agree 'cynical' would have been a better term) And FTR I agree with you. I see no reason to assume that just because she's upset something larger happened. But I feel super guilty when I accidentally flirt with a guy (accidentally meaning I wasn't, but the guy thought I was!) while in a relationship. I don't cry because I'm not a crier. But I think it's a bit bizarre to suggest she couldn't possibly feel quite guilty for what actually happened; a good person would feel just that. I don't know if people are 'bitter' on here, but they're certainly cynical. I mean, it's a very cynical POV to suggest she's some sort of super clever liar who knows that parceling out a half-truth and some sort of guilty act would get her off the hook for something she never had to confess in the first place.Agreed. Tome, the facts that she told the OP what happened, feels guilty about it, and shows remorse are the keys here. Frankly, this seems pretty trivial to me. I kept waiting for the part in the story where they make out in the plane's bathroom or get a hotel room together. The only thing that might make me change my mind is if there is some past history of lying, cheating or manipulating that we don't know aboot. But that doesn't seem to be the case. If we broke up every time someone screws up, every person in the world would be single. PS: Things we have learned about Zengirl this weekend: She is not a crier, but she yells at bookstores!
zengirl Posted July 24, 2011 Posted July 24, 2011 (edited) No assumption at all, the passive-aggressive part comes from not directing the nasty comment at any posters in particular to make himself feel better and skirt the site's TOS. Instead of simply disagreeing with the words posted, he attacks the posters, calling them/us "angry/bitter" adds an exclamation point, and you do the same thing in agreeing. I don't know if anyone on here is angry or bitter (as I don't know them) but I didn't find his statement PA, as I said. I do think people here are cynical and expressing cynical attitudes. I'm not going to quote every single post that expresses this opinion, as it's clear who and what posts I'm referring to, I think. Re-posting them all would be redundant, since I'm not pointing out a specific thought but rather an overall trend in many of these thoughts. Yours fits that trend. You pretty much called yourself cynical in your own post by describing where you got to your frame of analysis. To your other points, I think I had plenty of analysis. I just analyzed it from a less cynical place. I wrote WHY I thought what I thought = analysis. Edited July 24, 2011 by zengirl
EasyHeart Posted July 24, 2011 Posted July 24, 2011 Oh come on! I type with two fingers -- you can't expect me to individually call out every angry and bitter poster on this forum! I'd be typing for a month just to list all the "I think women should make the first move" guys. Just read the posts in this thread and others, and it should be pretty obvious who I mean. Feel free to let me know if you have any specific questions. And I've certainly never run away from the fact that I'm an optimist and don't like wasting time on being bitter or angry. But I can be cynical at times. I guess my mind is quite eclectic: it contains many aspects, just as my closets contains many kinds of collars. . . . But I'll happily call out negativity whenever I see it, here and elsewhere. Being negative is a very sad way to go through life.
zengirl Posted July 24, 2011 Posted July 24, 2011 Yet you defend someone who makes a blanket statement that they/we are and agree with them? Please. I didn't say I agreed with his statement. I said I thought he had somewhat of a point, clarified my particular view on it (re: cynical vs. bitter), and chimed in. If I "defended" him (I don't really think EH needs me to shield him), it was in defending that he wasn't passive aggressive. He was aggressive; there was nothing passive about it. Just my 2 cents. You definitely seem angry at the moment, though. I'll say that.
Stung Posted July 24, 2011 Posted July 24, 2011 For the record, I'm more or less on board with Easy Heart and Zengirl on this one. While I totally understand the OP's trepidation and it would take me a little time to smooth over some uneasy feelings, this is not something I would grill somebody over the coals for after a confession had been forthcoming. I would also be curious about OP's gf's age, as I agree that younger women often have real trouble with assertiveness. I understand the OP being troubled, and that the gf was unfaithful is certainly one possible interpretation, but hardly the only valid interpretation. I think her letter more likely shows thoughtful consideration for OP's feelings than any kind of malicious planning. But then, I am not of the school that giving somebody a phone number is always some kind of thought-betrayal or proto-infidelity. I met a man a few weeks ago in the park, our kids were playing together so we ended up sitting on a bench together and talking for about an hour. Turned out we actually had some interests in common, we'd had a great conversation, and we exchanged cards at the end of the afternoon. I mentioned him to my husband when he got home, because it was no big deal other than that I was happy to have met somebody on this island where I don't have many friends yet. A week later we all took the kids out for ice cream, husbands and wives included. Obviously the situation with OP is a bit different, and his gf has said as much. I, too, think her excuse is a bit weak but that it might just denote a personal weakness and I am interested in the idea of assertiveness training somebody else brought up.
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