dogtown Posted July 23, 2011 Posted July 23, 2011 I just got off the phone with my gf. We've been together for two years. Something sounded not right so I asked what's up. She finally confessed that while on the plane she was sitting next to a guy and he asked her for her number and she gave it. I realize she didn't cheat on me, but I had the feeling that our relationship was a lot stronger than that. Apparently she told him that she was in a relationship early in the conversation, but for some reason he still asked for her number as they were deplaning. What's up with me? Am I over reacting? I told her how it upsets me and she feels bad, but I can't shake this feeling that a layer of trust has been peeled from our relationship. It just seems like after dating someone for two years it should be ingrained in her to politely decline requests like that. Thoughts?
soulm8 Posted July 23, 2011 Posted July 23, 2011 Something sounded not right so I asked what's up. She finally confessed that while on the plane she was sitting next to a guy and he asked her for her number and she gave it. Apparently she told him that she was in a relationship early in the conversation, but for some reason he still asked for her number as they were deplaning. What's up with me? Am I over reacting? I told her how it upsets me and she feels bad, but I can't shake this feeling that a layer of trust has been peeled from our relationship. It just seems like after dating someone for two years it should be ingrained in her to politely decline requests like that. Thoughts? Sounds like a good opportunity to discuss boundaries and expectations. I don't think you're over reacting, but here's my take... a) They had a pleasant conversation, and she was put on the spot when he asked for her number. She gave her number knowing that she could easily ignore his call (if he ever calls). b) They had a friendly conversation and she saw no harm in making a new friend; perhaps she wasn't attracted to him but they have a common interest or network. c) If she gave her number because she was attracted to him and hoping he'd call, then you need to see if you're still on the same page as far as boundaries and expectations go.
Author dogtown Posted July 23, 2011 Author Posted July 23, 2011 I really hope it was option A! That being said when we were talking she felt very bad for what she had done and continually asked me if I forgive her. I of course forgive her. I just can't get over the fact that her automatic response to something like that should have been, "thanks, but no thanks." I mean, what if they were at a bar or on a beach...someplace not as awkward as a plane. Would it have been worse than a phone number? For lack of a better phrase, is this her true colors shining through? Yikes, I'm starting to sound like the jealous boyfriend...
soulm8 Posted July 23, 2011 Posted July 23, 2011 I really hope it was option A! That being said when we were talking she felt very bad for what she had done and continually asked me if I forgive her. I of course forgive her. I just can't get over the fact that her automatic response to something like that should have been, "thanks, but no thanks." I mean, what if they were at a bar or on a beach...someplace not as awkward as a plane. Would it have been worse than a phone number? For lack of a better phrase, is this her true colors shining through? Yikes, I'm starting to sound like the jealous boyfriend... No, you don't sound like the jealous boyfriend. You need to talk to her. It's good that she told you and felt bad... but at the same time, it also means that she knew she was being inappropriate. That's a hint that she understands your boundaries and expectations. Why did she do it though? What is she missing? Is she bored? (I'm not asking for answers... these are for you to find out). It's a slippery slope. You'll have to be careful getting your answers without sounding jealous, insecure or accusing.
Author dogtown Posted July 23, 2011 Author Posted July 23, 2011 It is a slippery slope! How do I even begin to have a conversation about something like this without sounding insecure? When I stop and think about it, I realize, "it's just a number, why are you freaking out?" But then after a bit it really starts to tear me up. I would never ever consider doing that. If she was on the plane talking to this guy for an extended amount of time, then it must have crossed her mind that he might be interested in her or vice versa, which means she knew he would probably ask for her number, which means should have gone over in her head how she would tactfully decline. Right? Maybe I'm assuming too much... Either way, what she did is not ok with me. I'll have a calm discussion and tell her that and she'll say she is very sorry and will never do it again (and be very sincere about it), but I'm just wondering if what she did is symbolic of anything that I need to be aware of?
soulm8 Posted July 23, 2011 Posted July 23, 2011 Hmm, you already discussed this and she apologized, asking you to forgive her. I agree that a calm discussion is in order, but don't harp on this particular instance. A calm discussion about boundaries and expectations acceptable to both of you, going forward, should be the focus. There's nothing wrong with mentioning that her giving her number to the guy made you stop and think about things... but I really think that should be the extent of bringing him up. Otherwise, you risk coming across as jealous, insecure, controlling...
Ruby Slippers Posted July 23, 2011 Posted July 23, 2011 This is not good. I don't know the best way to handle it, though. Probably not the right move to be all calm and doormat about it, though. I would think going caveman and showing your anger would be more effective. I think the men will have some good advice for you.
betterdeal Posted July 23, 2011 Posted July 23, 2011 I think soulm8 has given you good advice. Try to not get stuck on one event - the one that annoys you. She also told you about this, listened to you, apologised and asked for forgiveness, so the whole picture appears to be more favourable to you than the bit that makes you insecure and jealous (and your lover giving out her phone number is a sound reason to feel jealous). She did something you didn't like, but she also did something you did like and made efforts to repair the harm done. We all make mistakes, the trick is to learn from them. Put it in a box and put the box on a shelf. If all's well and good now and in the future, you'll forget the box.
robdrm32 Posted July 23, 2011 Posted July 23, 2011 Ask her why she gave him the #. If she says anything other than "I was on the spot, didn't know how to say no" Then make it clear in a direct way that it isn't cool. Wait until you are together before you have the talk. Something along the lines of "Don't give your number out to other guys, it ridiculous you have a boyfriend." Say it sternly and with a hint of anger, she will get the idea. Then, drop it. don't bring it up anymore, and pull back ever so slightly and let her show you that she is remorseful through her actions. No offense to soulm8, but having a calm drawn out "discussion" about boundaries is just b*tching out. She knows better, and you need to show her you wont tolerate it. so go caveman as ruby advised.
Author dogtown Posted July 23, 2011 Author Posted July 23, 2011 Thanks for the advice. It's amazing how a seemingly small incident like this can shake a relationship. For the past two years things have been incredible. It's amazing how all that can change in an instant. I'm willing to get past this, but it's just going to be hard. It's not something easily forgotten. What does going "caveman" mean? Visibly showing her my anger? As far as having a discussion about boundaries and expectations. Doesn't this seem a little inane? I mean, I feel like it goes without saying that you don't give out your number to other people. It would feel juvenile discussing something like that. I'm really interested in how this upcoming conversation with her is going to go down. It doesn't help that she's visiting her parents right now and I won't see her for another few days.
make me believe Posted July 23, 2011 Posted July 23, 2011 As far as having a discussion about boundaries and expectations. Doesn't this seem a little inane? I mean, I feel like it goes without saying that you don't give out your number to other people. It would feel juvenile discussing something like that. I'm really interested in how this upcoming conversation with her is going to go down. It doesn't help that she's visiting her parents right now and I won't see her for another few days. It should go without saying, but apparently it doesn't with your girlfriend! I mean, how hard is it to say "oh, sorry, I have a boyfriend" when some guy asks for her number? And if he presses on and says he just wants to be friends, she should have said "I don't think that would be appropriate, thanks anyway though. :)" Not too difficult. I do think it's good that she told you what happened, but she definitely crossed a line. I would suggest calling her up (or waiting until you see her) & saying something like "I've been thinking about how you gave that guy your phone number, and it's been bothering me a lot. I don't understand why you would think it's ok to do that when you're in a 2 year relationship." I mean.....seriously. What made her think that was ok?? Ask her how she'd feel if you gave a girl your number, and point out that she's sending REALLY wrong signals to the guy if she's allegedly not interested in him. Oh yeah and make sure you find out what she plans to do when he calls or texts her (or what she did if he already did it). If she does ANYTHING other than tell him straight up that she is in a 2 year relationship and had a huge lapse in judgment when she gave him her number, you should be very suspicious.
robdrm32 Posted July 23, 2011 Posted July 23, 2011 Thanks for the advice. It's amazing how a seemingly small incident like this can shake a relationship. For the past two years things have been incredible. It's amazing how all that can change in an instant. I'm willing to get past this, but it's just going to be hard. It's not something easily forgotten. What does going "caveman" mean? Visibly showing her my anger? As far as having a discussion about boundaries and expectations. Doesn't this seem a little inane? I mean, I feel like it goes without saying that you don't give out your number to other people. It would feel juvenile discussing something like that. I'm really interested in how this upcoming conversation with her is going to go down. It doesn't help that she's visiting her parents right now and I won't see her for another few days. going caveman means you don't sit and have a discussion. You tell her how its going to be, take it or leave it. going caveman doesn't refer to yelling/screaming or any violence. It's setting a boundary by saying this is unacceptable and if she doesn't put an end to it you will walk. "I've been thinking about how you gave that guy your phone number, and it's been bothering me a lot. I don't understand why you would think it's ok to do that when you're in a 2 year relationship." That is not what you want to say. Thats leaving it open for her to rationalize it to you, and basically shows her you are saying i'm willing to accept this behavior if you can give me a reason to. In this scenario, a complete stranger who was not in her class/place of business asked for her number and she gave it. No excuse. You should be pissed, let her know you are. She should know better and she does. It was her way of testing you.
Author dogtown Posted July 23, 2011 Author Posted July 23, 2011 I just received this email from her... I understand you're upset with me and rightly so I'm upset with myself. I just want to put into words what I couldn't say yesterday night on the phone. And I know what your probably thinking if she is so sure that what she did wasn't wrong why is she still bringing it up. The answer to that is because I really want to reassure you that the conversation last night with that guy meant nothing. I wan't interested, I didn't even enjoy it. When I gave him my number it wasn't with the intention of expecting a phone call from him. It was stupid and even though you will have a hard time believing it I did it because I felt sorry for the guy, I couldn't say no, I don't even know why I couldn't say no. Now you know me this is something that is very true about me I have a really really really hard time saying no. This is ultimately what it comes down to I couldn't say no even though I know I needed to. The whole thing is just meaningless and was a big mistake on my part. I am sorry and I never meant to hurt you. I hope that throughout the course of our relationship we have evoked enough trust in each other that you truly understand what I did was simply a one time error. I can't and don't choose to keep anything from you, that's how much trust I know we have in each other. Anyone else would have not said a word, but I choose to be honest and tell you what happened. Please have faith that I will always be honest with you even about the smallest most insignificant thing like this and that I do hold our relationship in high esteem. I hope you find it in your heart to not hold this against me forever.
make me believe Posted July 23, 2011 Posted July 23, 2011 "I've been thinking about how you gave that guy your phone number, and it's been bothering me a lot. I don't understand why you would think it's ok to do that when you're in a 2 year relationship." That is not what you want to say. Thats leaving it open for her to rationalize it to you, and basically shows her you are saying i'm willing to accept this behavior if you can give me a reason to. Hmm...yeah, I can kinda see that, actually. It does give her room to do exactly what she did -- try to rationalize it by saying "I felt sorry for him, I have a hard time saying no to people." dogtown, the excuse she gave you would really annoy me. She "can't say no" to people? Come on. She needs to learn how to say no to guys who are asking for her number.
Sebstian Posted July 23, 2011 Posted July 23, 2011 It's a tough one. It was a major mistake, especially if she was sober. I'd appreciate that she told you, because it does say something about her integrity. Unless more happened and it's just to have a cover story should he call her at a bad time when you're beside her. If I had been cheating (which I don't generally do), I would have a back up plan should it be likely that I got into a let's say awkward situation, i.e. running into or receiving a call from the new one. There are things in the letter I would have real issues with. 1. I don't believe the whole 'feel sorry for' bulls... story. Women find it too easy to say no to guys they're not attracted to. I do think she was attracted tbh. If not why would she feel so bad about it. 2. Being bad at saying no is not an excuse at all. I would be furious! How is it supposed to make you feel any better that your gf can't say no. So what happens when somebody tries to stick his pecker into her? Sorry I just suck at saying no...meant nothing! But maybe it's all as she wrote and was a tiny mistake (in which case she should have kept her big mouth shut). BUT girls have a weird tendency of disclosing things about potential new lovers with their bf. It's like if I tell my bf I don't find him attractive I will believe it myself AND have an excuse for seeing that person without feeling guilty.
Ruby Slippers Posted July 23, 2011 Posted July 23, 2011 Again, this just does not sound good at all. Can't say no? Sebstian said exactly what I was thinking: What's she going to do when she's had a couple of drinks and a guy tries to bust a move on her? Sorry, honey, I let him put his penis inside me because I can't say no. You KNOW this about me. teehee! I might not break up with someone over this, but I would be skeptical and keep my cards close to my chest for a while. I'd also watch for similar wanderings in the future.
tigressA Posted July 23, 2011 Posted July 23, 2011 Again, this just does not sound good at all. Can't say no? Sebstian said exactly what I was thinking: What's she going to do when she's had a couple of drinks and a guy tries to bust a move on her? Sorry, honey, I let him put his penis inside me because I can't say no. You KNOW this about me. teehee! I might not break up with someone over this, but I would be skeptical and keep my cards close to my chest for a while. I'd also watch for similar wanderings in the future. I agree with this. "Can't say no" is really, really weak. I had something similar to this happen to me while I was in a LTR--I was on a bus and a guy sitting next to me wouldn't really leave me alone. I was frank with him, told him I had a boyfriend, but it didn't really deter him. I was still too timid then to make a scene on the bus, though I wouldn't hesitate now if it happened again, so I feigned sleep to get him to leave me alone. He asked for my number, I refused to give it to him. I did give him a fake email address and that was the end of it. The point is, she didn't have to give out her real number. She could've given him a fake one, or given him her email address and deleted any emails/blocked his address, or a fake email address if she "couldn't say no".
zengirl Posted July 23, 2011 Posted July 23, 2011 How old is she? If she's under 25, with that message, I'd give her a pass with the caveat that she needs to do better next time. There are many lovely girls who learn too late to be assertive -- some go "can't say no" and some go aggressive and some swing between. I don't think it's a great trait, but if you're in an otherwise great relationship, this is a small thing. Her email sounded carefully planned because she carefully planned it. . . because she values you and the relationship and she feels bad and wanted to make sure she said it the best she could. I really don't see what's wrong with that. Plenty of non-liars carefully plan emails, especially important ones. If your girlfriend were a liar, she wouldn't have told you. She had no reason to tell you unless it was that she wanted to be honest and value you. Is she perfect? No. Was what she did okay? No. But she is trying to make it right and admitting a fault in her character, which really isn't an insurmountable one (can't say no to a # is not the same as, "He asked to climb on top of me, and I just couldn't say no" at all). Don't beat yourself up for feeling how you feel, but I'd suggest not beating her up either. Just express your feelings like an adult, tell her it wasn't okay, but if you value the relationship, let it go. However, if she's like 30 or something, that's really odd. The whole thing sounds like something a girl in college with that kind of limited relationship experience (particularly if she's young and been in a LTR with you for two years so never really navigated the social scene constantly) would do.
betterdeal Posted July 23, 2011 Posted July 23, 2011 Man, just tell her things will be fine so long as it doesn't happen again. And let it go. You'll be a bit raw and a bit sensitive for a little bit, but you'll get over it, and so will she. Most of the time, when we make cock ups like that sort of thing, being told to not do it again and all will be cool is all it takes to get past that hurdle. Sure, it was her bad but, you guys are a couple, and part of being a couple means you can help each other out in tricky situations, and this is one of them. You're not obliged to help her out, but you can work together on this if you wish to. Seeing as it's a one time aberration on an otherwise good record, a bit of leniency, benefit of the doubt, is more likely to get you what you want (more good times with your girlfriend) than anything else.
Author dogtown Posted July 24, 2011 Author Posted July 24, 2011 Well I spoke with her today and she was extremely remorseful. Lots of tears and she seemed sincere in her apology. I told her how upset I was and that I really felt let down. She claimed to be caught off guard coupled with her poor stance in saying "no" which lead to her mistake. While I'm really upset with what happened, it's something I want to work through with her. I'll definitely be a bit more on guard now, but for me, it's not quite grounds for terminating a relationship.
Ruby Slippers Posted July 24, 2011 Posted July 24, 2011 I agree with Pierre. I thought this story sounded off from the start. I think odds are high she did more than give him her number. She's being way too defensive and crying too many tears.
betterdeal Posted July 24, 2011 Posted July 24, 2011 Well I spoke with her today and she was extremely remorseful. Lots of tears and she seemed sincere in her apology. I told her how upset I was and that I really felt let down. She claimed to be caught off guard coupled with her poor stance in saying "no" which lead to her mistake. You say she has a problem saying no. Maybe have a look into assertiveness training together. Books like "Too Nice for Your Own Good" are a good starting point. While I'm really upset with what happened, it's something I want to work through with her. I'll definitely be a bit more on guard now, but for me, it's not quite grounds for terminating a relationship. I'm glad to hear that
rafallus Posted July 24, 2011 Posted July 24, 2011 Have to agree, her act seems horribly staged to me.
EasyHeart Posted July 24, 2011 Posted July 24, 2011 Good gravy, this is what happens when you ask for advice on a board full of angry, bitter people! She messed up, she confessed, she apologized. Hell, she didn't even do anything that's very bad. It's understandable for you to be upset, but don't purposefully prolong it. People mess up; we don't have to make them grovel. Talk it through, forgive her, then move on.
DontWorryBHappy Posted July 24, 2011 Posted July 24, 2011 Can I ask a question? Is it always wrong for a person in a relationship to give out their number to someone of the opposite sex after having a friendly conversation with them? As in, is that ever acceptable?? Like, if the two people have a nice conversation and they say, "Hey, it was great meeting you! We should catch up again sometime! and they exchange numbers... Is that, always, a BAD thing to do???? I just want to know for if i'm ever in this situation, or to know if I should accept this from someone I date in the future.
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