Jessica232 Posted July 23, 2011 Posted July 23, 2011 I'm coming up on three weeks NC, and I'm starting to struggle. I've been reading some old threads here, which really helps me stay focused, and it has been said that three weeks is the hardest part to get through?? Curiously, I've not had any problem with NC up until now. Sure, I've missed some things about him, but mostly I've been almost emotionless about the end of the relationship. I had some anger and disgust at the beginning, which is what lead me to initiate NC, but then all feeling just went away. Until last night. Last night I just broke down, crying for the first time. It doesn't help that this would have been our one year anniversary (anniversary of an affair HA). Pretty sure that is the catalyst in this. About five days after I initiated NC, MM let it be known to me that he was still there. Even after everything that went down, and it was some major drama on my end. But I choose to ignore him. I just sit here tonight, on this one year anniversary, and I'm filled with intense sadness. And anger....how can he not reach out to me tonight, at least letting me know again that he's there (though I know I wouldn't respond) tonight of all nights, but he did on night five, six, and seven of NC?! I'm struggling here. I feel like I'm going to break NC, and I know that would be a mistake. I certainly don't want to get back onto the roller coaster ride... all I want is to know that he's still there, still loving me. When we ended, he was headed for divorce....he had been honest with his W about his feelings for me (according to him, and after our 2nd Dday), and at first he came to me and said they were getting divorced. But then later it changed to we feel like we owe to the kids to try marriage counseling, but they both were pretty sure that it wasn't going to work. I just flipped out, couldn't deal with the back and forth, the playing with my emotions it felt like, and I decided I couldn't stick around during this period. My head tells me I have my answer, since I'm here alone. But my gut instinct says something very different. I constantly have to tell myself over and over that he made his decision, and it wasn't me. I guess what I'm looking for is some encouragement, and hopefully to hear that the three week mark is indeed the hardest part to get through. I am strong, but this is for certain the hardest thing I've ever gone through.
Gentlegirl Posted July 23, 2011 Posted July 23, 2011 I'm coming up on three weeks NC, and I'm starting to struggle. I've been reading some old threads here, which really helps me stay focused, and it has been said that three weeks is the hardest part to get through?? Curiously, I've not had any problem with NC up until now. Sure, I've missed some things about him, but mostly I've been almost emotionless about the end of the relationship. I had some anger and disgust at the beginning, which is what lead me to initiate NC, but then all feeling just went away. Until last night. Last night I just broke down, crying for the first time. It doesn't help that this would have been our one year anniversary (anniversary of an affair HA). Pretty sure that is the catalyst in this. About five days after I initiated NC, MM let it be known to me that he was still there. Even after everything that went down, and it was some major drama on my end. But I choose to ignore him. I just sit here tonight, on this one year anniversary, and I'm filled with intense sadness. And anger....how can he not reach out to me tonight, at least letting me know again that he's there (though I know I wouldn't respond) tonight of all nights, but he did on night five, six, and seven of NC?! I'm struggling here. I feel like I'm going to break NC, and I know that would be a mistake. I certainly don't want to get back onto the roller coaster ride... all I want is to know that he's still there, still loving me. When we ended, he was headed for divorce....he had been honest with his W about his feelings for me (according to him, and after our 2nd Dday), and at first he came to me and said they were getting divorced. But then later it changed to we feel like we owe to the kids to try marriage counseling, but they both were pretty sure that it wasn't going to work. I just flipped out, couldn't deal with the back and forth, the playing with my emotions it felt like, and I decided I couldn't stick around during this period. My head tells me I have my answer, since I'm here alone. But my gut instinct says something very different. I constantly have to tell myself over and over that he made his decision, and it wasn't me. I guess what I'm looking for is some encouragement, and hopefully to hear that the three week mark is indeed the hardest part to get through. I am strong, but this is for certain the hardest thing I've ever gone through. I recently had what would have been the 3rd anniversary had the A lasted another 5 months. xMM as far as I know , should have been off on a jaunt to Canada with his wife...bet he didn't even remember. Anyway, everything is still very raw and fresh for you at 3 weeks. Even 7 months where I am is still at times raw. It's hard to say what is the hardest time in NC really. Events and memories will recur and dredge up forgotten emotions and you might feel like you are back at square one. YOu won't be. Just acknowledge that you feel all that and keep going. YOu really do have your answer... he did make that choice and it was the W. Somebody on LS wote once "If you are in HELL, just keep going". Do it Jessica and maybe you and I will come out the other end of hell one day. Gentlegirl. p.s Be very grateful it was only a year that you wasted and not almost 3 like I did
whichwayisup Posted July 23, 2011 Posted July 23, 2011 Don't cave!! You can do this! Keep listening to your head. And, keep telling yourself he made the choice to stay with his wife and therefore the A is over, you don't want to be the OW anymore. And, tell yourself that you deserve a man who will love ONLY you, not want two women and be selfish and have the world revolve around him, be there on his terms and time frame. It's okay to cry and it's okay to hurt. You need to grieve the loss and work through the pain. I'm sure it isn't going to be easy but just know that you WILL survive this and come out really strong and much happier. when the time is right, you'll look back and be SO thankful you got out when you did and didn't waste years of your precious time, love and energy on a man who never intended on leaving his wife for you.. Stay strong, keep posting and DON'T cave! Write him letters but don't send them! writing is theraputic...There's NOTHING he can say or do to help you, so it's best to be in silent mode..
dynastic Posted July 23, 2011 Posted July 23, 2011 I completely understand what you're saying about "your gut" telling you a different story than the facts laid out on the table. I have the same problem as well. I've had previous relationships where my gut told me it wasn't going to work out, wasn't meant to work out and ultimately that gut instinct was right. But with this guy, my gut says the exact opposite of that. It's positive we're meant to work out. But the facts, and his actions are telling a different story. So I'm faced with accepting that my gut has made a mistake about this guy. Maybe your gut has, too.
TurningTables Posted July 23, 2011 Posted July 23, 2011 Hi Jessica. I am about to end my week 3 of NC and begin week 4. I have found that these weeks are the hardest. I wanted to encourage you to keep to NC. Nothing good can come out of breaking it and I am speaking from experience. This is my 2nd try at NC and I broke it at week 3/4 the first time! I wanted to also share with you a quote that a friend of mine sent me yesterday: "Sometimes you have to forget how you feel and remember what you deserve." Best wishes to you.
waytogo Posted July 23, 2011 Posted July 23, 2011 I'm coming up on three weeks NC, and I'm starting to struggle. I've been reading some old threads here, which really helps me stay focused, and it has been said that three weeks is the hardest part to get through?? Curiously, I've not had any problem with NC up until now. Sure, I've missed some things about him, but mostly I've been almost emotionless about the end of the relationship. I had some anger and disgust at the beginning, which is what lead me to initiate NC, but then all feeling just went away. Until last night. Last night I just broke down, crying for the first time. It doesn't help that this would have been our one year anniversary (anniversary of an affair HA). Pretty sure that is the catalyst in this. About five days after I initiated NC, MM let it be known to me that he was still there. Even after everything that went down, and it was some major drama on my end. But I choose to ignore him. I just sit here tonight, on this one year anniversary, and I'm filled with intense sadness. And anger....how can he not reach out to me tonight, at least letting me know again that he's there (though I know I wouldn't respond) tonight of all nights, but he did on night five, six, and seven of NC?! I'm struggling here. I feel like I'm going to break NC, and I know that would be a mistake. I certainly don't want to get back onto the roller coaster ride... all I want is to know that he's still there, still loving me. When we ended, he was headed for divorce....he had been honest with his W about his feelings for me (according to him, and after our 2nd Dday), and at first he came to me and said they were getting divorced. But then later it changed to we feel like we owe to the kids to try marriage counseling, but they both were pretty sure that it wasn't going to work. I just flipped out, couldn't deal with the back and forth, the playing with my emotions it felt like, and I decided I couldn't stick around during this period. My head tells me I have my answer, since I'm here alone. But my gut instinct says something very different. I constantly have to tell myself over and over that he made his decision, and it wasn't me. I guess what I'm looking for is some encouragement, and hopefully to hear that the three week mark is indeed the hardest part to get through. I am strong, but this is for certain the hardest thing I've ever gone through. Hey Jessica, I'm too far out to remember what day or week was the hardest. My message is it does get SO much better and easier. My 1st man interest told me he had been attracted to me at a party we both attending months previous. This guy was physically flawless. Talk about A fog, I didn't even notice him. There is no excuse for ANYONE to not at least notice this guy. Still, that was looks and not the whole package. The ego boost didn't hurt. A few months later, the real deal As many good things I could say about my H, I'd fall short of saying enough. It seems you've lived your tough lesson and are on your road to better. Hang in there. No matter how it feels sometimes, you really will be fine. We're pulling for you!
fooled once Posted July 24, 2011 Posted July 24, 2011 I'm coming up on three weeks NC, and I'm starting to struggle. I've been reading some old threads here, which really helps me stay focused, and it has been said that three weeks is the hardest part to get through?? Curiously, I've not had any problem with NC up until now. Sure, I've missed some things about him, but mostly I've been almost emotionless about the end of the relationship. I had some anger and disgust at the beginning, which is what lead me to initiate NC, but then all feeling just went away. Until last night. Last night I just broke down, crying for the first time. It doesn't help that this would have been our one year anniversary (anniversary of an affair HA). Pretty sure that is the catalyst in this. About five days after I initiated NC, MM let it be known to me that he was still there. Even after everything that went down, and it was some major drama on my end. But I choose to ignore him. I just sit here tonight, on this one year anniversary, and I'm filled with intense sadness. And anger....how can he not reach out to me tonight, at least letting me know again that he's there (though I know I wouldn't respond) tonight of all nights, but he did on night five, six, and seven of NC?! I'm struggling here. I feel like I'm going to break NC, and I know that would be a mistake. I certainly don't want to get back onto the roller coaster ride... all I want is to know that he's still there, still loving me. When we ended, he was headed for divorce....he had been honest with his W about his feelings for me (according to him, and after our 2nd Dday), and at first he came to me and said they were getting divorced. But then later it changed to we feel like we owe to the kids to try marriage counseling, but they both were pretty sure that it wasn't going to work. I just flipped out, couldn't deal with the back and forth, the playing with my emotions it felt like, and I decided I couldn't stick around during this period. My head tells me I have my answer, since I'm here alone. But my gut instinct says something very different. I constantly have to tell myself over and over that he made his decision, and it wasn't me. I guess what I'm looking for is some encouragement, and hopefully to hear that the three week mark is indeed the hardest part to get through. I am strong, but this is for certain the hardest thing I've ever gone through. You are doing great Jessica! You really are. You do have your answer; he chose a different path than what you hoped and wanted. What is your gut telling you? To hold on? To have hope? Please, smack your gut I won't lie, you will still have hard moments; holidays/birthdays/songs/places, etc. You have reached one hurdle and there are a few more to go. BUT, the great news is you are on a new path to a new journey. Embrace that. Let your emotions go, feel the hurt, cry the tears. Then wipe them away and take a step forward. I know you can do it. You will learn so much about yourself through this journey. Listen to your head and know that you should not just be someone's option. You deserve to be a priority and you deserve to be able to tell anyone and everyone that you are loved and in love and it shouldn't have to be a secret. I wish you luck on your journey and I hope you begin to heal and know that every situation helps us learn and grow. Good luck!
Emme Posted July 24, 2011 Posted July 24, 2011 :bunny:HUG:bunny:...Jessica the pain slowly lessens with time. I won't lie to you there will be more times like this ahead. The wanting of knowing he still loves you the the way you love him. That even though your not together your hearts care for each other the same without anger and resentment. You must continue to look forward. I am months in and this place is truly a safe haven. When I feel weak I come here. When the site was down I almost had a panic attack the other day. Didn't know what to do with myself but I kept busy. If you have faith in yourself it's possible. You have to have faith and be strong to know you won't go back to the starting line. You've worked hard to reach this far. Moments and events especially birthdays will be heart breaking. You just have to love yourself more than you loved him. That's the only way to make it through. Turn that love into anger, power, strength and push forward. None of this is easy but we are here for each other. Keep posting if you just need to vent and say what's on your mind. Cry if you have to. Let it out. Don't keep the emotions in. Remember the pain and always ask yourself if throwing what you've worked so hard to accomplish is worth it. Is he worth it. Keep your chin up hun and smile.
TurboGirl Posted July 24, 2011 Posted July 24, 2011 I'm struggling here. I feel like I'm going to break NC, and I know that would be a mistake. I certainly don't want to get back onto the roller coaster ride... all I want is to know that he's still there, still loving me. When we ended, he was headed for divorce....he had been honest with his W about his feelings for me (according to him, and after our 2nd Dday), and at first he came to me and said they were getting divorced. But then later it changed to we feel like we owe to the kids to try marriage counseling, but they both were pretty sure that it wasn't going to work. I just flipped out, couldn't deal with the back and forth, the playing with my emotions it felt like, and I decided I couldn't stick around during this period. Be strong, hang in there. You are not the only one struggling right now. Sometimes I just can't believe that my xMM never contacted me on my birthday... just shows he was a total P**** and all about himself. But it still hurts. I am 5 months out, was with him 2 and a half years. Hurts... but I will NOT contact him ever again. I know what is down that road - nothing I would ever want -- not even as a friend. He does not know how to be a friend (has no guy friends! period!) The thing is, Jessica, you can never believe what they tell you. All that blather about getting divorced, going to counseling, yadda yadda yadda, it is all just noise. Means nothing. No way to know if he told his wife or not - I think probably not, because many MM out there are cowards and liars. Did I mention liars? LOL They aren't brave enough to leave their wife and if they are unhappy. So they just sleaze around. They want cake and eat it too. You can do so much better, and you deserve so much better. Trust me, they will always throw you under the bus if you do/say something they don't want to hear, or if the wife finds out - all of a sudden all that love love love is NOTHING. Stay strong, stay strong. NC is the only way you will feel better.
Gentlegirl Posted July 24, 2011 Posted July 24, 2011 Hi Jessica, I forgot to tell you that 2 weeks after we split, xMM was back on a dating website and tried to "groom" a friend of mine. She recognised him from his profile and pic. That was after telling me he and his wife were putting things right and going to a counsellor I trusted that man with my life at one time. We have to be so careful. Gentlegirl
browndog319 Posted July 25, 2011 Posted July 25, 2011 "Sometimes you have to forget how you feel and remember what you deserve." Best wishes to you. I'm no one to give real advice yet, but I use music to help me heal. Alanis Morisette helped me get over a douchebag BF in college. I think the Rolling Stones said it really well when they said, "You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you get what you need." I heard that today on my drive back from the shore. Keep trying and even though you won't necessarily get what you want, and I know I probably won't either, maybe we'll both get what we need, and I believe that after all of this awfulness and heartbreak, I need a lot of love, intimacy and OPENNESS. Just saying!
Author Jessica232 Posted July 25, 2011 Author Posted July 25, 2011 Thanks for all the support/responses. Went through another HARD day today. We work together, we're in different depts. so we don't have to communicate, but we see each other across the room every day. My heart is just in a million little pieces. Wondering why I was ok the first few weeks, and now I'm just completely breaking down??! This is beyond hard. I'm off to distract myself with a Zumba class.
Glinda Posted July 25, 2011 Posted July 25, 2011 If you only see yourself as a piece, evident by your choice of avatar to represent yourself, then that's the way men will see you and treat you accordingly.
nonamefornow Posted August 1, 2011 Posted August 1, 2011 Hi Jessica I hope you've been able to maintain no contact and wish you all the luck in the world maintaining it. It's only been day one of NC for me and it's rotten but my xMM has just gone on holiday with his wife and when he told me yesterday, she was trying to be the perfect couple to patch things up, as is he, that was just hurtful and painful to hear. I hope by week 3 I'm not ready to cave. I too work with him but will not see him for the next 3 weeks. I'm trying to realistic but I would LOVE the next time I see him to just feel indifference! Good luck.....I'm cheering for you
fellhard4u Posted August 1, 2011 Posted August 1, 2011 Congratulations on the NC so far! Please stay strong and do positive things for yourself. I know from experience how painful all this is. I'm venturing that he must know how much you are suffering from the break-up and from not having him in your life. But...he is showing you that he doesn't care whether you are in pain and suffering. YOU deserve to be with someone who cares and to whom your well-being and happiness is a priority.
Author Jessica232 Posted August 2, 2011 Author Posted August 2, 2011 Hi Jessica I hope you've been able to maintain no contact and wish you all the luck in the world maintaining it. It's only been day one of NC for me and it's rotten but my xMM has just gone on holiday with his wife and when he told me yesterday, she was trying to be the perfect couple to patch things up, as is he, that was just hurtful and painful to hear. I hope by week 3 I'm not ready to cave. I too work with him but will not see him for the next 3 weeks. I'm trying to realistic but I would LOVE the next time I see him to just feel indifference! Good luck.....I'm cheering for you Thank you. I can't imagine the hurt you're feeling. I hope you're doing ok. ((hugs))
Author Jessica232 Posted August 2, 2011 Author Posted August 2, 2011 You ended a relationship that was important to you. You're grieving the loss of that relationship. If you read about the stages of grief, you'll see that you can move from one stage to another at times and back again. It is totally normal that you're feeling this way on the day of your anniversary. Don't minimize, or allow anyone else to minimize the importance of it because of the nature of the relationship. That's counterproductive. If he's a man worth a lick, he's doing what he has to do to resolve this situation on his end. Honoring your NC request is a good thing. Because he isn't sure of the outcome at this point, he probably recognizes that there's no reason to prolong any pain you're feeling from this. He doesn't want to hurt you and knows that he needs to come back to you with a firm decision and action in place. When/if he's ready to leave his M, he will. And doing it while you are NC, to me, is better than not. I say this because it shows me he's doing what he feels he needs to do for himself and not because you are waiting. Again, to me, that makes for a healthier man in the end. One of the downfalls of a relationship starting as an A, is that if/when they leave their M, the AP goes through the divorce with them. For any of us who have been through a D, we know how stressful and traumatic it is. Throw another relationship into the mix and it can certainly put it to the test. That kind of strain doesn't belong in a new relationship. You don't know how this will all turn out in the end. Continuing NC for your benefit is the path I would continue to take if I was in your position. You're three weeks into this.You don't want to go back to square one. Thank you so much for this response....you pretty much hit the nail on the head! It's pretty much exactly what MM has said to me about his plan of action. Who knows if he'll come back though. I'm planning on him not. And, when he first told me he was getting divorced, all I could think about was there would be such a roller coaster ride of back and forth emotions through the process, and I knew it would be painful. I didn't want any part of it! Get divorced, and then come back to me lol! I have to admit, I did break NC last Monday. I went into his office and talked to him for about twenty minutes. Surprisingly it didn't set me back though. I said what I needed to say (apologized for going crazy and the awful words I said), told him I was dead serious about being done, and let him know I'd be there if/when he's free, and ONLY when he's free. I have to admit, I had a very rough week last week, but I feel a lot better now. I miss him of course, but I don't feel a whole lot of sadness. I'm ok, and I'm going to be ok, with or without him!
Holding-On Posted August 2, 2011 Posted August 2, 2011 Thanks for all the support/responses. Went through another HARD day today. We work together, we're in different depts. so we don't have to communicate, but we see each other across the room every day. My heart is just in a million little pieces. Wondering why I was ok the first few weeks, and now I'm just completely breaking down??! This is beyond hard. I'm off to distract myself with a Zumba class. In the beginning it did not seem real. You were just numb. Now it has become real. I think this is often pretty normal with changes. Starting a new job, becoming a parent, getting married, leaving a relationship whatever the change in life. At first you are just doing, then you start to feel. Also it will be harder, much, when you have continued exposure to him. So you are being surprised at yourself but it all sounds normal to me.
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