why did i ask?...i dont know what to do

[tom_gbr]

just when i think i can move on and get on with my life i do something stupid...i was talking to one of my ex girlfriends mates online tonight....we always chat...we were talking about each others easter...she asked me how mine was and i said it was a bit weird as i had originally planned to spend it with imogen ( my ex ).

 

she then asked me how i was about being apart from her and if i was with someone else...i said no i havent been looking.

 

then i said something stupid...something that i really shouldnt of asked..i said "why is she?"

 

she replied with "she is kinda talking to this lad that we meet in town but do't think anything is going on" which really hurt and upset me to hear.

 

i then said " i know that we are not together and that we will never be together but i still love her"...

she said that she knows that i do and that my ex misses talking to me and stuff but only as a friend...she then said that my ex speaks to her about how she feels but she didnt elaborate on what my ex has been saying...then she had to go offline.

 

i really dont know what to do now...hope is creeping back now...did she really have to go offline or was it because my ex has said something to her about her feelings towards me and she didnt want to say?

 

but i dont know how she feels about me at all now...after the text that i sent saturday night which i cant rememember what i put in it...i text her tonight to apologise if i said something stupid but she hasnt replied. i know i wouldnt put anything hurtfull...i never would.

 

why did i ask if she was with someone else....she isnt i know but it really hurt to know that they are just chatting.

 

what do i do? do i break contact still or do i phone her mid week....apparantly she misses talking to me and stuff...so why isnt she phoning me? will it take something happening between her and this lad for her to realise what i mean to her?

 

help guys!

[USAsian228]

from what i see, you are looking more and more desperate, and this is such a turn-off to women.

 

you text her and you cannot remember what you wrote? how many drinks did you have?

 

and then you turn around and apologize for something you may have said? yikes. dude - you are driving yourself crazy and there is no need for it.

 

in your mind, hope may be creeping back, but in her mind, the creep may be hoping.... one more text message from you and i am sure she will think this.

 

sure she misses talking to you as a friend - that's a natural, expected thing to say.... but for you to attempt to contact her in this clumsy way has done more damage than good. so chill out. and don't obsess about the clumsy call - we are all human and do stupid things. get over it. and don't question your motives for asking about her. you care about her so that's why you asked.

 

no need to get up on the cross because you care about her.

 

.....but another attempt to contact her right now, and i'll bring the nails and hammer.

 

the best thing for you is to give it some time... let her have the opportunity to miss you, if she has that inclination... and don't be concerned about her dating other guys - there is nothing more sobering than truly seeing that the grass is not always greener by dating other folks... and in the meantime, you need to get out and meet other women - keep your mind occupied with something else - hey - here's an idea - volunteer and do something for someone less fortunate than you - this always gives one a fresh perspective about things... and who knows - you may see this matter in a completely different light..... but whatever you do,

 

put the text messenger on the table and walk away slowly.......

[tom_gbr]

i know i knew she was going to be dating people soon but i suppose i thought i wouldnt be hearing about it...why oh why did i ask? my ex and this lad are just speaking to each other on the phone every now and then but even knowing that is hurting me. all these things are running through my head now....she goes out every thursday so this lad will probably be meeting her out...something might happen soon...

 

i then asked my ex's friend another stupid question, i asked what he was like....she said he was nice but she prefers me (my ex's friend not my ex).

 

im hating this.....i know now that theres a guy interested in her and obviously she is in him. i thought i was over her like i said in my other thread but i really dont think i am.

 

i just wish the last contact i had with her was when i spoke to her wednesday....after the drunken text message saturday night and the text i sent tonight apologising...with no reply to them and the whole thing about finding out about this guy i hate the way this has been left.

 

i suppose i think if its left like this....there isnt a chance in hell of her ever wanting me back or even having her in my life as a friend

[secondstage2004]

dude, i truly sympathize with you, really do. I am also torn between making contact with my ex who dumped me a few weeks ago, and moving on with my life. It's a battle thousands of us have to go thru everyday after a difficult breakup.

 

But we have to start thinking logically. The fact remains that she made a decision to move on. I am sure that her decision to break up did not come overnight. She must have thought about it long and hard, and we have to believe it was not an easy decision for her to make. But when she finally did, we have to accept her decision, and face reality like a true gentleman.

 

My advise is for you to DECIDE that you don't deserve this heartache, and DECIDE to do something about it. Hard, but in times like this we shouldn't let our emotions dictate our actions. I believe that loving is a

decision, so to stop loving someone is also a decision. Don't dwell on the past and look ahead. Don't think about the things you two did together, that's something reserved for a time in the future when you have already healed. Go out and enjoy life to the fullest.

 

carpe diem!

[claudia]

Hey tom_gbr i feel for you causing i'm going though the same thing with my ex cause on friday night when he came online i asked him how is the gf and he said fine she is fine . i was like so you have one now and he said yes . You cannot imagine how i felt after i heard that.

You just have to let her go , stop texting her .I know how hard that will be but you have to show her that you were fine before and will be fine after her . Just take one day at a time . One day it will get better . Dont worry about getting back together right now , if it happens take you time and if it does not wish the best of luck in life and try to move on .

 

 

my friend told me this last night when i was crying over my ex and it made some sense : why cry over a taxi when your limo is coming soon

just think of that

well take care of yourself

[tom_gbr]

thanks for the advice guys......i was doing much better untill tonight.....i think i mite have to break contact with my ex's friends as well to get though this.

 

i knew she was going to be going out and meeting new guys....i mean she's not a nun...but i suppose i didnt ever think i would hear about it....i think its even worse in a way that nothing has happened between her and this guy...now its like im waiting for it to happen....and i know this is wrong it feels like there is still time for me to get her back but i dont know how.

 

as soon as i heard from my ex has been chatting to this guy regulary on the phone and stuff i started to think of all the things that this guy is going to have with my ex and that i couldnt have anymore. you never now they might just be friends but i doubt it very much.i mean they met in a bar. i have never met a women in a bar and just wanted to be friends.

 

it makes it worse that if they do become an item this guy is going to be doing all the things with her that me and my ex had planned to do when we were together.....in may she has a free house for two weeks....i have to go through these two weeks now knowing that someone else could be spending them with her. i know that she goes out thursday nights and this guy will be out too...ive been finding thursdays hard enough as it is but now they are going to be worse.

 

i think im going to talk to a counsilor....as soon as i think im improving i go right back to square one. i have been drinking a lot recently....i have been drunk everynight since wednesday.....most of the times apart from one i have been drinking alone in my room. i really want to get through this and be happy....i try and make things friendly between me and my ex by staying in contact with her but i think its making things worse.....i just cant let go...if i stop the contact i know that will be it and that i will have lost her forever

[claudia]

hey buddy you got to pick yourself off the floor . Look what you are doing to yourself .Dont drink and get yourself in a mess for her that will not help anything all it will do is make her want to stay away from you even more.

 

Who knows what this no contact thing might do .But i have an example my Cousin was with this girl for about two years and she broke up with him in the worst way and we beg him to stop contacting her but he would not listen and then she curse him out but he was still in love with her . Anyways about four months after the break up he stop contact and slowly go back to hanging out with other people and he really began to have fun without her and you know what she came right back to him , and now they are together .

 

Listen you and me have the same problem with this no contact and feel that our friendship with our exs will bring them back but sadly thats not the case . We just have to let it go, all the promises that were made ,all the things that was said just pray and ask God to place them away from you . I have to do that too but you will get through.

Being at the end of the bottle will not help you .

 

i think you need a shoulder to cry so i will lend you mine

 

Hugs

 

it will get better just move with the waves of your emotions

[mont13]

I understand your situation and it sucks!! when you have mutual friends its so hard no to ask them about your ex because they are your only line of communication with out actually contacting them! The only advice i can give is when you talk to that friend for your own sanity try not to talk about the ex that often you gotta remeber she is both your friends so it is an awkward postion for her as well, and if eveytime you talk to her you ask about your ex she could be telling her as well. And with the drinking i know how you feel..when your out drinkin and having a good time shes not on your mind and the pain isnt there..but the next day when your hungover and your body is beat it tends to Amplify the pain! what i did to help with making sure i dont text the ex when im drunk is take her number out the phone..i have a bad memory so i know i wouldnt remeber the number and text her. just a suggestion.

[tom_gbr]

im just really scared right now to leave everything as it is...i really hope i didnt say anything stupid in that message saturday night....i really doubt i would because i would never say anything hurtfull...she didnt reply to it and she didnt reply to the message i sent sunday night apologising just incase i did. has she had enough of me all together?

 

im just so scared if i leave it like this not only will her and this lad become even closer i will also loose any chance of her being in my life as a friend. i really think she will just forget me. i thought i would be able to cope when i would find out that she's with someone else but now i know i cant...her and this guy are just chatting at the moment and even that hurts...i didnt sleep last night.

 

when we broke up she said it was because she really didnt need a boyfriend in her life....so why are her and this lad getting friendly?....its not like shes just kissing guys in clubs she is on the phone to this one guy talking to him....dont know how often...but this isnt what u do if you arnt looking for a relationship with someone.

 

im hurting so much...it took a long time to sink in that she didnt want a boyfriend in her life and she kept saying to me that i had done nothing wrong for the relationship to end....she still loved me when we broke up....was she lying to me?....was that i dont need a boyfriend in my life line a load of crap?

 

i really dont know how im going to love someone ever again...i did nothing wrong in the relationship...nothing....i did everything i could to make her happy...i know we were only together for 6 months but those six months we did so much together....how can she say she doesnt need a boyfriend in her life and then nearly two months after the break up her and this guy are contacting each other and meeting up when they are on nights out?

 

i really dont know what to do....i feel if i leave things as they are she's gone forever but if i contact her soon ill drive her away even more. my ex friend said that my ex misses talking to me and stuff...so why isnt she contacting me to see how i am?....why am i blocked on MSN still?

 

its the worst feeling in the world....knowing that my ex...who i still love...and some guy that she met while in a bar are speaking to each other when there out and in the evenings on the phone....this type of situation is not likely to end up with them just being friends...nothing has happened yet but i have to try and continue with my life now knowing that when she's out clubbing or whatever that something could happen.

 

a part of me just wants to go on a date with a girl...and just wait and see how my ex reacts when she hears about it through the grape vine...is it worth a try?...at the moment i think she thinks that im just sitting around getting upset over her.

 

i think she still has feelings for me...she must do...i just dont know what to do

[hART]

Give her some space.

Get to know who you really are and get an identity from that.

Get in touch with how you really feel about her and yourself.

Realize that your self worth doesn't come from anyone else, but yourself.

Wait until she contacts you, because you don't want to seem desparate.

Figure out why you are feeling needy and what you need to do to change that on your own.

When she does call, let her talk and listen to her feelings/thoughts.

Try to figure out why you are upset when she doesn't call and what positive thing you can do for yourself to change needing that call.

Remember why she left, however painful.

Then think of what you should/shouldn't change.

Now, think of all your positive attributes and what you can contribute to a relationship.

If she wants you back, she'll come.

Since you have already told her how you feel, you have to wait.

 

You don't need anyone to feel better about yourself, it comes from within.

 

I might be saying girl stuff or it might seem foreign to you.

Just wait for her to come to you and be okay if she doesn't.

You are a good person, love will come when you are ready.

[tom_gbr]

i just hare myself for asking my ex's friend if my ex was seeing someone...i know she isnt but she's having regulare contact with a guy she met. it makes it worse that i was coming out the other side from this....i was moving on...but as soon as i heard of this new guy shes talkign to. i went right back to where i started.

 

i could deal with it better if she had just kissed him in a club and that was it...butthey are phoning each other all the time and its killing em knowing this...hes getting to know her...hes having what i once had.

 

i was improving loads but no i feel terrible again.....i was taking everyday at a time keeping myself busy and so on...now i just feel so depressed

[secondstage2004]

Don't expect your ex to just sit around and cease her social life after your breakup. It is absolutely normal for her to date other people, and so should you. It is obvious that she has moved on, and so should you.

 

I recommend that you delete all contact information of your ex (text, mobile, email, chat, phone, etc...), so when you get the temptation to make contact, there will be no way of doing so!!! Every contact you make is a setback, so removing all possible sources of setback is best way for you to move on.

[tom_gbr]

Don't expect your ex to just sit around and cease her social life after your breakup. It is absolutely normal for her to date other people, and so should you. It is obvious that she has moved on, and so should you.

 

i knew she wasnt going to be sitting in crying over photos of me but i really didnt think i would be hearing about her and this guy...my fault for asking really...really stupid of me. i knew she would be dating...i guess i never knew how i would take it if i found out...now i know.

 

i went on a long walk today and really thought about things...what i was feeling and the bext way to move on.

 

im not sure if i should break contact with her friends as well..after last night i know that its tottaly stupid to mention anything to do with my ex...i sort of use them as a way of telling my ex how i am without contact with her...i tell them about the gym and my new jobs.....i make it seem like im really ok.

[mont13]

its so tough !! trust me i understand but secondstage is right the best thing to do right now is cut off all contact text phone etc!! It will help you so much in the long run, give your self a chance to heal and give her a chance to miss you! Show her that you are strong and if it was meant to be it will be! but dont force it or you will push her away for good...and im sure you dont want that!

[tom_gbr]

thats the problem with how i have been in the last month and a half with contacting her i think i have pushed her away for good. if i left it how it was wednesday things would be great but after the weekend im not sure.

 

i just wish i was stronger through this...i really think she has had enough...especially now that she has someone that she seems to be interested in and that likes her and they seem to be having good contact.

 

i really do just feel like im annoying her now so im going to stop contacting her...its too late now there is no chance that she's going to be missing me now, or even contact me again. im really just going to try and get on with my life even though i still love her loads and miss her like crazy.

 

the only way i can see myself getting through this now is if i take one day at a time and really try and forget her...i really wish i didnt know about this guy it has made things so much harder.

 

if something does happen with her and this guy, and i think it will, i really hope he treats her right and appreciates her. i really want her to be happy

[sinkerswim]

Hey Tom...

I know how you feel...you are really missing her, I know.

I have to keep stopping myself to call my (ex) fiance.

It is the HARDEST thing being away from him.

You think...well, maybe if I DONT call..he will think I forgot about him.

But if I DO call...well, that might change his mind.

 

A friend of mine said that if I call he probably wont be able to give me the answer I am looking for anyway.

Its torture not being able to call him and see how he is doing. I still worry about him everyday.

 

Anyway...my advice to you is...leave her alone for awhile. I stopped contact over a month ago. Its the worst...I know.

I ran into one of his friends on Friday night while shopping...and he was very much shocked to hear of Ed (my fiance) and I being separated.

He did tell me though,....that if he sees him...he will knock some sense into him...because the grass isnt always greener on the other side.

He made me feel better.

 

Anyway...Im here for ya Tom...hang in there... OK?

[tom_gbr]

thanks sinkerswim ill be ok...ive deleted all the photos of her on my phone and all her text messages now so im feeling even more apart from her which is helping.

 

on the bright side i was really down last night and i texted this girl i know saying what had happened and she text me today asking if i wanted to go and stay with her down in portsmouth for a couple of days to take my mind of her....

 

we always used to flirt all the time when we had been drinking....i think this is what i need to take my mind of my ex....dont know what she will think though when she finds out...i know she will

[sinkerswim]

Go and have a great time Tom..

You certainly deserve it....

get your mind off things.

 

My first major thing that I did to try to take my mind off things...

my friend and I got in the car and drove to NYC for a night of shopping and eating. LOL

It only takes us 2 hours to get there...so it was a nice night. And...it felt good to feel "normal" for a few hours again.

Anything helps.

I mean...he was on my mind the whole time (I wanted to buy him things)...but I actually felt good being in a different city and seeing that there still is life out there.

[uriel]

I'm afraid I don't see any room for hope in the conversation you had with your ex's friend. You told her you love Imogen, and she said she knows you do. She didn't reassure you that Imogen loves you too. No -- She told you Imogen is chatting up another guy and misses talking to you /as a friend/.

 

That your ex's friend specifically said "as a friend" means she didn't want to give you any false hope about Imogen's feelings. She didn't give you more details about what Imogen says because 1) it will hurt you even more and 2) she's bound not to do that, since she's Imogen's friend. No woman wants the former boyfriend she left getting all the details about her new life -- that's creepy (think stalker).

 

I think you should stop calling this ex-girlfriend and start moving on with your life. You need to accept that it's over. Hanging on to hope isn't doing you any good. And, as others have said, it's not going to win her back, either. It will only make you seem desperate and sad. For one, she won't want to feel that guilt (of having hurt you). For another, she's already decided to walk away knowing how you are on your best days, when she was most attracted to you. She won't be even more attracted now that you are hitting rock bottom.

 

Sorry to be so blunt -- but you're in a painful and unhealthy place. You need to take some action to heal. If this girl doesn't love and want you as you are, then she isn't the one for you.

 

--uriel

[ger_in_love]

my gf and i broke up 4 weeks ago, we were together for six years, she wanted a break, i tried for two days to get her back, but she said i was only pushing her farther away, so i stopped annoying her and did not mention us anymore, im allowed to tell her i love her an odd time,we text each other each night and she phones me every second night, we help each other with problems, but i cant mention the relationship cause if i do, she says we are back at day one again,

 

last saturday night she was drinking a bottle of wine at home and was a bit tipsy so phoned me for to talk. she was lonely, she said i was her best friend in the whole world but was not in love with me,

 

i asked her to reconsider getting back together, she said she would not give me an answer cause she had drink in, and is vunarable in that state, she did say to ask her to come back in a month, but i got no promise of a yes answer,

 

why i say all this is, in my opinion the only way to go is to keep contact, friendship is the key, without doing her/his head in. tell her/him u love them now and again, maybe once a week is enough, tell what changes will be done, be very good friends, and i think things will be ok, i sent her a bottle of expensive perfume today and a nice friendship card and a few bob to get a new hairstyle, i think this is the better option than no contact

 

then again our break up was not the usual kind it was a situation prob, living arrangements, there is a thread on it somewhere

 

just my 2 euros worth on things

take care wish u all well and dont be bitter or angry at ur ex whoever was at fault.

[tom_gbr]

no thanks for being blunt it helped...i really do know its over....i love her but i have accepted the fact that we are no longer together....i really just want to be a close friend but im trying to soon....i want us to still have the closeness we had when we were together i suppose....thats why im contacting her so much...im worried of losing the friendship but contacting her like this is making it much worse.

 

i thought i could handle the fact of her being with someone else but obviously i cant.....not right now anyway...just hearing that she was chatting to another guy on the phone drove me crazy.

 

i really need to stop thinking about her...its so hard when she was all that i thought about for 6 months and i mean all i thought about....she was my first love as well and my first intamately as well.

 

i try doing work and stuff but its not helping...i really think i need to get with some girl...i think that will help...thats why im looking forward to the weekend.

 

i really would like to just forget about her for a month or so.....im not healing right now...shes moving on and im standing still...im eating healthily which is a good sign and i have never had as much exercise as im getting right now i look better than ever.

 

i would like it so much that in a month or so's time she will appear online on my msn list and we will be able to chat as friends....i cant see that happening for a while though.

[tom_gbr]

today ive done a lot of thinking and im trying to think of a way that i can move on properly...i have totally accepted the fact that we are over and that she is moving on...im having the hardest time doing it though.

 

im keeping myself so busy i never sit down but i still think about her all the time...i know i will meet someone else sometime that i will feel love for and they will for me...should i talk to a counsilor?

 

i have broken contact now....i know i wont contact her again as its just gonna make things worse...well unless she contacts me which is doubtfull as she knows it makes me worse.

 

any suggestions please?

[uriel]

Give it time, give it time. Try a counselor if you're hurting yourself. If you're in pain but doing okay, then keep at what you're doing. This is going to hurt and hurt for a while. The pain will lessen in steps, tiny and unexpected steps.

 

Don't expect to get to a day when you can think of her with no pang at all -- first love. That's one you don't forget. But yes, there will be a new love -- different, but new and equally wonderful in its own way.

 

As for the friendship, value your sanity and well being more. You can pick up the friendship, or at least some contact again, once those are re-established. That's not going to be for a year or so. Again, give it time.

 

--uriel

[secondstage2004]

Originally posted by tom_gbr

well unless she contacts me which is doubtfull as she knows it makes me worse.

 

it seems you are still hoping here. you will not be able to fully move on with your life unless you remove all hope for a reconciliation with your ex. any single thing, no matter how petty, which can remind you of your ex will just bring you back to that ugly place totally ripping you apart, in turn negating your previous successes in trying to achieve a state of normalcy in your life. so pls avoid such possibilities, even if it means not keeping in touch with your mutual friends.

 

i am not sure but you may be feeling anger towards your ex. my ex also broke up with me a month and a half ago. i was very bitter at first, but i have decided to unconditionally forgive her for the pain she has caused me. She does not know i have made such decision, but this has definitely given me peace of mind. Forgive, and let go.

[tom_gbr]

its the hardest thing in the world to just forget her...i mean how can u do that?...it might happen when i start seeing someone else i dont know...im ok most evenings its the mornings and afternoons which are really bad...if only i didnt speak to one of her mates and found out what i did i would be ok right now.

 

i really do know we will never be together again...i suppose im hurt because she broke up with me because she didnt need a boyfriend in her life right now and the way things are going with this guy it looks like somethings going to happen....why lie to me?

 

i want to be angry but i cant....i want to forget her but i cant