BrokenHeartedFiance Posted July 23, 2011 Posted July 23, 2011 (edited) My fiance and I were engaged to be married this October. I have my dress, flowers, music, the hall, church, organist, wine, everything is/ was set to go. Three weeks ago, we had our Stag and Doe (or Jack and Jill) and the day after, we sat down to figure out how much money we had made, and what we were going to use it for. Before we got engaged, we talked about saving an equal amount for the wedding costs - $15000/ each. Currently, I have saved exactly $15000 plus the costs I have already paid for the wedding (about $2500). My fiance though, hasn't saved more than $2000. It turns out, he had been misleading me throughout our two and a half year relationship to believe that he was financially responsible (as he demonstrates responsibility in all other aspects of his life). He is five years older than me (I'm 24 he is 29) and therefore has been working for several years more than I have. I still have considerable school loans to pay off, but had been open and honest about them since the beginning of our relationship. I was under the impression that since we both had well-paying jobs, and had been saving the money for the wedding, we would be able to use the money we received as gifts from the wedding to help pay off the house and my school loans. He says he told me all along that he had a line of credit, but he definitely did not tell me the amount. He also failed to mention that he has credit card debt and a boat loan. Since learning this information, I have cancelled the wedding and the engagement. We are going to counselling together, he is seeing a financial advisor, has sold his boat and has his house up for sale. I feel betrayed, and don't understand how he could have hid this from me. He says he still loves me, and I still love him, but is he just taking advantage of me? Can people with money addictions really change? I know I am young and have a lot going for me, but how do I move on? How do I know if I should keep hanging on to this relationship or look for someone that won't lie? Should a relationship be this difficult before we even get married? Someone please help me sort all of this out!! Edited July 23, 2011 by BrokenHeartedFiance
Nohbody Posted July 23, 2011 Posted July 23, 2011 Money issues lead to the demise of a lot of relationships. It's difficult to tell what the motivation behind not telling you about his debts, so I really won't hazard a guess. If the collection of wealth is more important to you than the pleasure of your beau's company, so be it. For richer or poorer and all that.
shayla Posted July 23, 2011 Posted July 23, 2011 I would be very reluctant to go through with the wedding if your fiance has spent 2 years lying about something that is this important. Fiscal irresponsibility can destroy a marriage. If he had been honest from the beginning, this is something you could have worked on together. This isn't about just money, this is about the kind of partner you want to spend your life with. You have to be able to put your trust in him, and if he is capable of keeping you in the dark for years about this, then what else can he lie about? If you want to marry this man, he will have to commit to work with a professional to teach him how to manage money. Perhaps this is something he never learned. He will also have to commit to being honest with you, no matter what. Good luck.
Author BrokenHeartedFiance Posted July 23, 2011 Author Posted July 23, 2011 Thanks for your advice Shayla. You are 100% right. My trust has been broken, and the only way to get it back is a lot of time and hard work. So far he seems to be taking the right steps to get back on track, but only time will tell if he is able to stick to his plan, and be completely honest about everything.
michelle956 Posted August 20, 2011 Posted August 20, 2011 BrokenHeartedFiance, I was instantly curious about your story cuz I too am coming out of a broken engagement, except I was on the opposite end of the spectrum. I just want opinions from people who can actually relate and every one I know pretty much isn't that. I tried to see if there was like a message button here but there isn't. I left a thread the other day (in the same category) about my story and I would just appreciate if you could please have an input. I'm glad to see that even through adversity, you still have a fighting spirit. I know your heart and mind don't meet right now and I don't really have a definitive answer for you on what to do cuz I want to say forgive him, but that's a huge deal. Some might say it's only money problems but part of the reason you enter a marriage is for security and he isn't providing that for you if he's making you worry about picking up slack for his lies and bad decisions. What happened to him in his past with money will effect you if you get married but it's up to you to decide if you want it to. The only thing I can tell you is that the biggest lies are the ones we tell ourselves and if you really can't see this ever working with the same dynamics again, then maybe you shouldn't waste your time. I'm not saying to make a choice right now because you might not have the answer but when you do, be honest with yourself. Faith makes things possible, not easy and if you keep the faith, there's still hope. Hate to go a little cliche there but it's true. I'll pray for you. Good luck & God bless.
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