t_i Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 Hi guys for everyone feeling slightly better post break up... How long do you leave yourself to recover before dating again? I don't want one night stands or to get involved again too quickly as im sure it could have a negative effect. Or does moving on quick make you feel better? What are your experiences with rebounds? One night stands? All thoughts welcomed!
Nohbody Posted July 23, 2011 Posted July 23, 2011 Life post breakup is lonely, at least in my experience. I'm making it a plan to stay single for a year and see how it goes. Maybe do a little dating, but definitely staying out of a committed relationship for a while and work on doing things I want to do and trying to be a more awesome person in general. Focusing on the future helps, but all plans are tentative. It's like the old bulldog said...
TheHurtProcess Posted July 23, 2011 Posted July 23, 2011 Life post breakup is lonely, at least in my experience. I'm making it a plan to stay single for a year and see how it goes. Maybe do a little dating, but definitely staying out of a committed relationship for a while and work on doing things I want to do and trying to be a more awesome person in general. Focusing on the future helps, but all plans are tentative. It's like the old bulldog said... Agreed. It's best to take this time to work on yourself. Create and accomplish some goals, learn some new skills/talents, get involved with hobbies and friends, make new friends. Your world is at your fingertips and a relationship might only hold you back. Plus I've noticed that I've missed out on so many opportunities when I was in a relationship. I sort of regret not taking more time to be single in between.
thelovingkind Posted July 23, 2011 Posted July 23, 2011 Rebound satiates you for the first few weeks, but the reason it's such a terrible idea (aside from the fact that it involves playing Russian Roulette with another person's feelings) is because it trains you to avoid fronting up to deeper problems with you as a person, your life and your perspective on relationships. After my most recent break-up I avoided any kind of a rebound, and have just been doing some very casual dating. At first I was craving the validation of someone else's company and affection. But slowly my perspective has been coming around. I am now a happier single than I've ever been. I am content with my own company and my own quiet life and I'm not consumed with fears that other people are having more fun than me. My career prospects and goals, non-existent during and immediately after the break up, are now falling into place in a big way and I am now far more excited about pursuing those than pursuing another relationship. My hobbies, consigned not long ago to 1) Talking to my ex, 2) Missing my ex, and 3) Gazing longingly at my ex's facebook photos, are now flourishing and I am in better physical shape than ever and am back into reading novels. It's early days, but I can feel myself becoming the truly independent, self-motivated, interesting person that I've always dreamed of being and always dreamed of meeting. I've forced myself to do this by not rebounding, nor looking for a new relationship immediately after the post-rebound period. The thing to remember is that your instincts have no future perspective. They can only crave satiety in the moment. This is why we crave our ex's presence even when we know it'd be bad for us and the reason why we launch into rebound flings which will provide only three weeks of emotional satisfaction before dropping us back to square one. If you use your inner resolve to over-ride these childish, hedonistic instincts, then gritting your teeth and riding out the loneliness for a couple months while engaging in constructive, future-orientated pursuits will allow you to emerge with a sense of being and frame of mind that will stand you in good stead - partner or no partner - for thirty years and more. Do it!
Author t_i Posted July 26, 2011 Author Posted July 26, 2011 Thanks for everyones opinions I took it into account. I read something ages ago and someones theory was you're upset for as long as you make yourself, and to pick yourself up and move on rather than contemplate for months the 'what if's'. Then again I didnt want to end up missing the ex more. So I went out with my friends and had fun on my own - no boys or 'single' behaviour. Just dancing! Now its been 4 days no contact again and somtimes its difficult but i'm doing well! However I have another question! I'm back from 2 weeks at home back to my student house. I'm back friday and I wanted to go out saturday night with my friends - apresiate being single and not having to answer to anyone or having a jealous boyfriend holding you back. However where I live there are few places to go on a saturday night - that are open late and are for my age category. I think the ex is going out and with mutual friends i'd possibly end up bumping into him. Do I avoid him and everywhere they'd end up going? (this will mean i'll need to go and find out where theyre going first) or not let him ruin any plans I make, and go where I want to go, even if he may be there? Also if you bump into ex's would you pretend they dont exist? Be civil? Or avoid seeing them alltogether? I asked my ex this question and said how would it be if we saw eachother - he said it would be too difficult and he probably wouldnt say hello. However I wouldnt want to look petty by ignoring him as everyone knows I was his 2 year ex. Opinions please:)
fauxleather Posted July 26, 2011 Posted July 26, 2011 Also if you bump into ex's would you pretend they dont exist? Be civil? Or avoid seeing them alltogether? I asked my ex this question and said how would it be if we saw eachother - he said it would be too difficult and he probably wouldnt say hello. However I wouldnt want to look petty by ignoring him as everyone knows I was his 2 year ex. Opinions please:) I would say just play it cool, appear happy, not depressed, but at the same time don't appear to be trying too hard to do so? Needless to say, this really requires your internal mindset to be solid.
Author t_i Posted July 26, 2011 Author Posted July 26, 2011 I would say just play it cool, appear happy, not depressed, but at the same time don't appear to be trying too hard to do so? Needless to say, this really requires your internal mindset to be solid. I think I can do it. Hopefully I wont need to see him anyway, I dont want to break NC by seeing him and having to do civil hellos!
radiodarcy Posted July 26, 2011 Posted July 26, 2011 Rebound satiates you for the first few weeks, but the reason it's such a terrible idea (aside from the fact that it involves playing Russian Roulette with another person's feelings) is because it trains you to avoid fronting up to deeper problems with you as a person, your life and your perspective on relationships. After my most recent break-up I avoided any kind of a rebound, and have just been doing some very casual dating. At first I was craving the validation of someone else's company and affection. But slowly my perspective has been coming around. I am now a happier single than I've ever been. I am content with my own company and my own quiet life and I'm not consumed with fears that other people are having more fun than me. My career prospects and goals, non-existent during and immediately after the break up, are now falling into place in a big way and I am now far more excited about pursuing those than pursuing another relationship. My hobbies, consigned not long ago to 1) Talking to my ex, 2) Missing my ex, and 3) Gazing longingly at my ex's facebook photos, are now flourishing and I am in better physical shape than ever and am back into reading novels. It's early days, but I can feel myself becoming the truly independent, self-motivated, interesting person that I've always dreamed of being and always dreamed of meeting. I've forced myself to do this by not rebounding, nor looking for a new relationship immediately after the post-rebound period. The thing to remember is that your instincts have no future perspective. They can only crave satiety in the moment. This is why we crave our ex's presence even when we know it'd be bad for us and the reason why we launch into rebound flings which will provide only three weeks of emotional satisfaction before dropping us back to square one. If you use your inner resolve to over-ride these childish, hedonistic instincts, then gritting your teeth and riding out the loneliness for a couple months while engaging in constructive, future-orientated pursuits will allow you to emerge with a sense of being and frame of mind that will stand you in good stead - partner or no partner - for thirty years and more. Do it! i am so happy for you! i have experienced this as well. i chased after him for two and a half years - - settling for whatever scraps he threw my way (including sex). i was in a terrible state; chronically depressed and irritable. and all i could do was think about him wonder who he was with/talking to. the situation with him was a rebound situation as well - - with me being the rebound - - he was rebounding from a prior relationship. he initially told me she was a friend who got the wrong idea - - it wasnt until nine months later that he admitted they dated seriously and he was madly in love with her. i would like to say i walked but he dumped me. nevertheless, the five months of NC i have had has done wonders. i have developed a greater appreciation for my interests (both old and new) as well as my family and friends. i love to read but in those 2.5 years and could barely finish a book because i was too focused on him. now i've read six books in the past month! i refuse to consider a rebound relationship because a.) i know how it feels to be treated that way and b.) it would only be a distraction and would leave me feeling just as lonely and empty as before - -if not moreso. and even though i am feeling much better; i am honestly in no interest to get into another relationship. i'm too busy enjoying the me time
mindfuq Posted July 26, 2011 Posted July 26, 2011 (edited) Why do breakups hurt so much, even when the relationship is no longer good? A divorce or breakup is painful because it represents the loss, not just of the relationship, but also of shared dreams and commitments. Romantic relationships begin on a high note of excitement and hope for the future. When these relationships fail, we experience profound disappointment, stress, and grief. A breakup or divorce launches us into uncharted territory. Everything is disrupted: your routine and responsibilities, your home, your relationships with extended family and friends, and even your identity. A breakup brings uncertainty about the future. What will life be like without your partner? Will you find someone else? Will you end up alone? These unknowns often seem worse than an unhappy relationship. Recovering from a breakup or divorce is difficult. However, it’s important to know (and to keep reminding yourself) that you can and will move on. But healing takes time, so be patient with yourself. Edited July 26, 2011 by mindfuq
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