Feelsgoodman Posted July 23, 2011 Posted July 23, 2011 OK then. What kind of "stimulation" do you think is acceptable? Anything that's not unnecessarily cruel or causes an injury.
anne1707 Posted July 23, 2011 Posted July 23, 2011 Anything that's not unnecessarily cruel or causes an injury. Provide a specific example
Sabian Posted July 23, 2011 Posted July 23, 2011 Anything that's not unnecessarily cruel or causes an injury. Unnecessarily cruel is using any sort of physical force to get someone to do something. Seriously, someone silence this fool. Better yet, forget it. He'll be in prison soon enough.
ThsAmericanLife Posted July 23, 2011 Posted July 23, 2011 I don't think so... I've had the best results by cultivating an air of cheerful firmness, honestly considering the needs of both people and talking things through, and yes, ok, occasionally shutting down or letting myself get really angry (no swearing, name calling, or throwing things) if I'm really hurt. I'd say the last event has occured maybe once a year with friends/family/SO's. If I feel the urge for it to happen more than that with someone I'm with, we simply aren't compatible.
2sunny Posted July 23, 2011 Posted July 23, 2011 I don't like how I come off at times. It's when I feel provoked...one of the problems is that I'm easily provoked. I don't do it just for the sake of doing it. It's second nature to me. I find it interesting that plenty of guys capitulate when faced with it--hence this thread. I was bullied a lot myself, particularly in school, so I learned how to push back. I learned how to intimidate people. At my HS friend's wedding I talked to a former classmate who was there, and apparently my legacy is that I wanted to kill someone with an icicle (long story). this sounds like you're justifying your bad behavior. isn't this the man who's allowing you to live with him? i hope no men would take what you dished out to him. you owe him an apology and actions to set things right between you two. acting like he should accept it as your normal behavior is very disheartening.
Author tigressA Posted July 23, 2011 Author Posted July 23, 2011 [/b] this sounds like you're justifying your bad behavior. isn't this the man who's allowing you to live with him? i hope no men would take what you dished out to him. you owe him an apology and actions to set things right between you two. acting like he should accept it as your normal behavior is very disheartening. I wrote in an earlier post (which apparently went unseen in the midst of Feelsgoodman's advocacy for the rule of thumb) that I did apologize to him, very recently. He actually thought I had been joking around, and that made me feel awkward. I said, "No, I really wasn't, that's why I'm apologizing. I feel like a jerk. I know how it feels to be yelled at and stuff, and I shouldn't be doing it no matter how frustrated I am because it's not right or fair. Admittedly, it's been second-nature to me over the years, but I am working on it." He actually thought I was being a little too serious about it, but accepted my apology. I had to convince him that I was not doing any of that as a joke. The whole thing was strange.
veggirl Posted July 23, 2011 Posted July 23, 2011 Wow you sound crazy and needy and oddly proud of it. I have never had a man who I thought in someway enjoyed or was okay with a screaming, swearing woman. I can't imagine the doormat a guy --or ANYONE-- would have to be to put up with junk like that. Your boyfriend sounds whipped, congrats on that, i guess.
2sunny Posted July 23, 2011 Posted July 23, 2011 sounds like he's used to be yelled at... did his parents yell at him as a child; was he abused? this would account for his sense of "normal" how terribly sad if that's the case.
Feelsgoodman Posted July 23, 2011 Posted July 23, 2011 When I lose my temper I raise my voice, I cuss, which are admittedly immature ways to make myself heard and get my point across and is something I'm working on. See, this is exactly why I'm in favor of physical discipline. If an adult woman is acting like a little girl, someone needs to keep her in check. If the rule of thumb was still the law, I bet you'd think twice about acting this way.
Feelsgoodman Posted July 23, 2011 Posted July 23, 2011 Provide a specific example Use your imagination.
Author tigressA Posted July 23, 2011 Author Posted July 23, 2011 sounds like he's used to be yelled at... did his parents yell at him as a child; was he abused? this would account for his sense of "normal" how terribly sad if that's the case. No. I'm going to try to explain the dynamic between us, particularly while he's teaching me to drive as this is when it happens. I hope it will make sense. Say I do something like delaying a turn, and I get honked at. He'll be like "GO! Turn!" And he'll ask me why I didn't make the turn "earlier" or why I waited that long. I'll say something like "Well I just made the turn, it's not like I'm still sitting there! Jesus f*cking Christ!" Then he'll say something that makes me feel like an idiot and I'll tell him to f*ck off. A lot of the time he'll say it right back to me in this 'joking' tone, and it'll escalate (or de-escalate? I don't know) into something not to be taken seriously by either of us ("F*ck your mom", etc). So I think it's because of that that he thought I was kidding. When I first started out though, it was because I was upset at him. And I do tend to maintain a certain tone that convinces at least me that I'm not kidding, because I'm frustrated about something in the moment (the driving). And Feelsgoodman, if the rule of thumb was still "the way", I'd make sure the guy wouldn't ever want to lay a finger on me in an untoward way again.
ThsAmericanLife Posted July 23, 2011 Posted July 23, 2011 If a man ever hit me, he'd better kill me, because I'd probably kill him. Fortunately, things have never gotten to that point. I've never been hit nor have I ever hit anyone or anything in my life. Have never engaged in verbal abuse either. ONCE, I called my ex an a-hole. Just once. And that was during our divorce.
RovingReporter Posted July 23, 2011 Posted July 23, 2011 Ugh, you are simply awful. This guy must be pretty desperate to keep putting up with this ****.
2sunny Posted July 23, 2011 Posted July 23, 2011 you still didn't answer my question. somewhere through the years he has learned that this interaction is "normal". it's not normal and it's not healthy. it's a very abusive and derogatory exchange between you two - and he seemed to think it was fine and ok. it's not ok.
2sunny Posted July 23, 2011 Posted July 23, 2011 Some guys don't mind being treated badly your thread title says enough... you expect to treat him badly - and you expect him to think this is all ok... poor guy. he's doing you a favor by trying to teach you and you're verbally abusing him - and he's laughing. that is very sad.
Author tigressA Posted July 23, 2011 Author Posted July 23, 2011 you still didn't answer my question. somewhere through the years he has learned that this interaction is "normal". it's not normal and it's not healthy. it's a very abusive and derogatory exchange between you two - and he seemed to think it was fine and ok. it's not ok. I know he was physically disciplined as a child. I don't know about being yelled at. He's never truly lost his temper at me. According to him, he has a temper that rivals mine. He's never gone beyond what I've dished out. As for my thread title, it was deliberately provocative. And he doesn't 'laugh' at what I dish out. He de-escalates things and we both end up laughing. Hm. I wonder if it's something he does on purpose so we don't end up in a screaming match.
2sunny Posted July 23, 2011 Posted July 23, 2011 i didn't read it as deliberately provocative - i read it as deliberately mean spirited, bordering on bragging about being able to treat him badly - with his willingness to allow it. adjective. 1 causing annoyance, anger, or another strong reaction, especially deliberately. 2 arousing sexual desire or interest, especially deliberately. ...
Author tigressA Posted July 23, 2011 Author Posted July 23, 2011 i didn't read it as deliberately provocative - i read it as deliberately mean spirited, bordering on bragging about being able to treat him badly - with his willingness to allow it. adjective. 1 causing annoyance, anger, or another strong reaction, especially deliberately. 2 arousing sexual desire or interest, especially deliberately. ... Well, that's how YOU read it. Doesn't mean that's how I meant it.
torn_curtain Posted July 23, 2011 Posted July 23, 2011 I have a slightly forceful way of relating to guys but it always stays firmly within playful terrain. Sometimes we may occasionally say "**** off" or "I hate you" to each other in a facetious way as we laugh together, and neither of us will be offended. It has to be with the right guy, who is similarly thick-skinned and sarcastic. But it sounds like you are being serious, you really want to make him feel bad. I have to question why your boyfriend would put up with this behavior. Are you trying to work on it?
veggirl Posted July 23, 2011 Posted July 23, 2011 F*ck your mom...Jesus f*cking christ......?! WOW. You're f*cked up, as is he. Obviously you're a popular / old-time poster, so you probably won't get the advice you TRULY NEED from the other oldies...but seriously, WOW.
veggirl Posted July 23, 2011 Posted July 23, 2011 He de-escalates things and we both end up laughing. Hm. I wonder if it's something he does on purpose so we don't end up in a screaming match. That's exactly what he is doing!
Author tigressA Posted July 23, 2011 Author Posted July 23, 2011 I have a slightly forceful way of relating to guys but it always stays firmly within playful terrain. Sometimes we may occasionally say "**** off" or "I hate you" to each other in a facetious way as we laugh together, and neither of us will be offended. It has to be with the right guy, who is similarly thick-skinned and sarcastic. But it sounds like you are being serious, you really want to make him feel bad. I have to question why your boyfriend would put up with this behavior. Are you trying to work on it? See, that's sort of how it is with us. I say these things when I'm legit pissed off, though, and I want him to know it. Invariably he ends up de-escalating it. Every so often I'll just stop talking so I don't go further. And yes, I am trying to work on it. I did apologize to him, and like I said, at first he thought I was being too serious. He didn't really see it as an issue until I pointed it out to him, particularly because he would do the same thing back, and more in a joking way, and the tension would just dissolve.
Feelsgoodman Posted July 23, 2011 Posted July 23, 2011 F*ck your mom...Jesus f*cking christ......?! WOW. You're f*cked up, as is he. Obviously you're a popular / old-time poster, so you probably won't get the advice you TRULY NEED from the other oldies...but seriously, WOW. The advice she truly needs has already been given. She needs to find herself an old-fashioned gentleman (in the true sense of the word; we are not talking about the "flowers and poetry" type here) who will set her straight once and for all.
Author tigressA Posted July 23, 2011 Author Posted July 23, 2011 The advice she truly needs has already been given. She needs to find herself an old-fashioned gentleman (in the true sense of the word; we are not talking about the "flowers and poetry" type here) who will set her straight once and for all. Your 'old-fashioned gentleman' is an 'old-fashioned wife beater'. If I were with one of those there would eventually be one less of them in the world.
Ruby Slippers Posted July 23, 2011 Posted July 23, 2011 Even the most macho, alpha guys I've been with LOVED IT when I brought a little verbal smackdown and pushed back against their BS. I was out tonight, and I experimented more with being a little bitchy. It works like a ****ing charm.
Recommended Posts