RuinedLife Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 Ok so its been 7 months since my ex broke up with me now and yet I still get many moments of intense despair, nightmares, panic attacks and flashbacks to my break up, and I still feel the sting of guilt and regret sharply too, even though many have told me it was not my fault. It doesn't seem to matter, as I just seem determined to blame myself, and maybe its masochism, I guess it is masochism, and noone seems to believe that I want all this pain to stop, but I do. I guess maybe I'm just really naive, really lazy, really self-obsessed, I don't know what it is. All I know is that I feel this intense love for my ex inside me, this desperate need for him to love me again (it is my attachment hunger for him, I know, because I've been reading 'How To Break Your Addiction To A Person' and it talks all about that.) And I fully expect to get some 'snap out of it', 'we warned you' or 'stop being so self indulgent and start moving on already' frustration packed replies to this, but I'm not writing this to banish myself to the past and a world of pain, quite the opposite. I'm doing this to try and wrap my head around the insane emotions spinning around in there and to try and to reach out to other people on here who understand the pain, because I feel so isolated in real life. Sure I've made some good online friends, but rarely have I been out the house, and even then its only to go to the doctors with my parents or to stumble around the garden so I can get some fresh air and the smell of sweet peas. And maybe the love I have for my ex is messed up. I fully accept that may be the case, or at least part of the case. But it doesn't change how intense the feelings are, whatever the reason. And I'm fully aware its my fault I'm stuck here. I know it is. And I think its because I want to be stuck here, because I'm always lost in the fantasy of me and my ex. True oftentimes the horror that we will likely never be together again and the fact that he has cut me off cold is crippling to me, and I've been despairing so much, crying so much, and feeling so lonely and empty without him. He was my best friend, and I thought, my soul mate, and even after all this time, 7 whole months, I'm still struggling to accept that he's gone, that he doesn't love me anymore, that he is likely repulsed by my desperate proclamations of how I wish I could fix things, and of how heartbroken I feel. And I don't know why I do this to myself. Maybe I have got a screw loose, or many screws loose, but the pain, its still all too real. I only hope that in time, I can gain some will power, gain some strength to fight back against this depression, to fight back against this despair and heartache, because so far I know, I've been loosing the battle, and loosing it without grace. I feel I've fallen so far and yet I'm still falling. And my love is still as strong as ever because I continue to feed it, even though I know its only hurting me more. I wish I could just let go of this fantasy already and accept that he's gone and stop blaming and punishing myself for his cutting me out cold. Because even though I may have continued to try and patch things up, long after I should have stopped trying, I never said anything hurtful to him, never insulted him. How he could go from seeming to love me so much to the cold detached distant memory of a friend that he is now, I will never fully understand and the scar will no doubt always be with me. I keep trying to pick up the pieces of our smashed relationship and restore some order to it, but of course that is completely pointless and I only end up slicing through my heart more and more every time I try. I think maybe I need to be put in a straight jacket for my own protection. Or better yet chucked into a darkened cellar and left to stew in a terrifying and never-ending heartbreak hell, which I have created for myself, so I can hide away from the really hard and even more terrifying task of moving on and leaving my ex is the past, instead of on my mind all the time.
Exit Posted July 23, 2011 Posted July 23, 2011 I think maybe I need to be put in a straight jacket for my own protection. Or better yet chucked into a darkened cellar and left to stew in a terrifying and never-ending heartbreak hell No, but it does sound like you should take a vacation for a change of scenery or something. I've replied to many of your threads. I am sorry that you are hurting 7 months into this. You remind me of myself after the breakup I experienced two or three years ago. I just would not start healing. I suffered for well over a year. There is still a light at the end of the tunnel. I'm happy to tell you that the girl who caused me all of this pain, doesn't mean anything to me anymore. I can go look her up on Facebook right now and not feel the slightest bit of sadness or anxiety. If anyone had told me that one day this girl would mean nothing to me, I never would have believed them. But it still happened. Basically, you sound like me back then. You're totally crushed. You can't really heal yourself. You keep thinking and thinking and thinking about it. So unfortunately, you can't really rely on yourself, you keep opening the wounds instead of letting them heal, so the only tool you really have remaining in your arsenal is time. Believe it or not, some day, even if you keep doing the exact same thing you are doing right now, some day it'll stop. I know you won't believe me, I know you're gonna try to convince me that you'll love this guy forever no matter what. Really, I wish you could meet the version of me from after that breakup I went through. You would think you were talking to a carbon copy of yourself. I was broken, I was hopeless, I'd leave for work in the morning and start crying in the car, and this was months after the breakup. Yet here I am... still alive... couldn't care less what that old ex is up to... I have a new girl that I'm obsessed with lol. IF you could help yourself heal, IF you could handle this better, you would heal faster. But even if you can't, even with the bare minimum, just relying on time to heal the wounds, it will happen, it just takes a long time. Eventually the self-preservation systems of the human heart and mind will kick in, and your subconscious will realize that there is no good coming from loving this person anymore. I know, it seems like you should already be able to realize that at this point, but it takes a long time.
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