verhrzn Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 In the past year, I've gotten about three guys interested in me. The first, I "casually dated" for 6 months... It wasn't until he dumped me over voice mail for being ugly that I realized we'd never actually been dating in his mind. I'd just been a Friends With Benefits. Having learned my lesson, I've been trying to find someone who is not just interested in a casual hook-up/friends with benefits. However, the last/only two guys I've got on dates with both said they weren't interested in romantic relationships right now, but were more than willing to do a Friends with Benefits thing. (I asked them on about the 2nd or 3rd date, thankfully before sex had occurred.) On the one hand, I guess I could be pleased that I'm apparently attractive enough to qualify for booty (though then again, from what I understand, guys don't have high standards for that sort of thing, right?) On the other, I'd really like a relationship. How do I keep stumbling across guys that only seem to want me for sex? Does it mean my personality is heinous, which is why they don't want to date me? How do I avoid this in the future? It seems that the only guys interested in me are really only interested in FWB. The only commonality I can find between the three guys is that they have a large majority of female friends. Does that contribute somehow... like, if a guy has more female friends than male friends, does it mean he's less likely to want a relationship?
zengirl Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 In the past year, I've gotten about three guys interested in me. The first, I "casually dated" for 6 months... It wasn't until he dumped me over voice mail for being ugly that I realized we'd never actually been dating in his mind. I'd just been a Friends With Benefits. Having learned my lesson, I've been trying to find someone who is not just interested in a casual hook-up/friends with benefits. However, the last/only two guys I've got on dates with both said they weren't interested in romantic relationships right now, but were more than willing to do a Friends with Benefits thing. (I asked them on about the 2nd or 3rd date, thankfully before sex had occurred.) On the one hand, I guess I could be pleased that I'm apparently attractive enough to qualify for booty (though then again, from what I understand, guys don't have high standards for that sort of thing, right?) On the other, I'd really like a relationship. How do I keep stumbling across guys that only seem to want me for sex? Does it mean my personality is heinous, which is why they don't want to date me? How do I avoid this in the future? It seems that the only guys interested in me are really only interested in FWB. The only commonality I can find between the three guys is that they have a large majority of female friends. Does that contribute somehow... like, if a guy has more female friends than male friends, does it mean he's less likely to want a relationship? I take female friends as a good sign, though a guy with no male friends would be weird. All my BFs in recent years have had female friends (real friends, not booty calls or orbiters, we're talking). The way to find a relationship-oriented man is to keep looking and not get fixated on or bitter about or attached to the guys who aren't into what you're into (a relationship). If a guy doesn't want a relationship with you, he doesn't want one. FWB won't "become" a relationship. (I'm sure there are exceptions but they're likely fraught with drama.) Just keep chugging along, working on yourself, being happy with yourself and your life, and looking for Mr. Right. Be assertive but not aggressive in approaching men, be receptive to men, give different types of guys a chance until you know what your patterns are, and keep trying. Without knowing your personality, I cannot comment on it.
Lovelybird Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 Keep saying NO to Benefit until he treats you decently. and he constantly shows his commitment to the relationship with you. don't waste your time with men who don't take you seriously
Author verhrzn Posted July 22, 2011 Author Posted July 22, 2011 I take female friends as a good sign, though a guy with no male friends would be weird. All my BFs in recent years have had female friends (real friends, not booty calls or orbiters, we're talking). If a guy doesn't want a relationship with you, he doesn't want one. FWB won't "become" a relationship. (I'm sure there are exceptions but they're likely fraught with drama.) Yeah, pretty much as soon as the guy says "I don't want a relationship..." I'm out the door and have lost his number, even as a friend. The only reason the 6 month guy got away with it was because he was wise enough to say enough to keep me, like saying he did want a relationship with me, just not a super serious one. I have no problems with female friends, per say... But I'm talking MAJORITY of female friends, as in more than a 60/40 split. My personal experience is that guys with more than this split are either gay or players/guys who "collect" females.
motive2002 Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 You could try an opposite approach. Tell the man you've just met that you aren't looking for anything serious.. that you are dating around and don't want a commitment just yet. Then turn on the hot/cold behavior by giving him the girlfriend experience on one occasion and a "wham-bam thank you sir" on another. If you're really into tactics like that, you simply have to let him understand that he doesn't really "have" you, or even really have a shot at a long term thing and he'll be wracked with trying to figure out why! Meanwhile an emotional bond is created between you and he'll wonder how he could ever get by without you. I guess the short answer is play hard to get and don't act desperate. Make sure he knows you have all your options open. This could very well backfire on you. The key to success is to keep your cool know matter what. Harder than it sounds... I know that from experience.
motive2002 Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 Yenno, now I find myself giving tactics away to the "enemy". (I.e., I'm a MAN) You really should be getting this advice from your girlfriends. I'm sure they must have a lot more experience in this dept. I only know what pushes my own buttons. Here's an example. You got a FWB thing going... he seems to lack enough interest for anything serious.. then you lay this on him.. "I've got a date. Oh yeah it's this guy I see once in a while. It's not anything serious.. blah blah blah..." As soon as any competition arises, so does the man's desire to eliminate it somehow. If he thinks you've got him on a string, he will suddenly be more motivated to nail you down, so to speak. I can feel the other men on this forum hurling rocks at me as I speak.
Author verhrzn Posted July 22, 2011 Author Posted July 22, 2011 Yenno, now I find myself giving tactics away to the "enemy". (I.e., I'm a MAN) You really should be getting this advice from your girlfriends. I'm sure they must have a lot more experience in this dept. I only know what pushes my own buttons. Here's an example. You got a FWB thing going... he seems to lack enough interest for anything serious.. then you lay this on him.. "I've got a date. Oh yeah it's this guy I see once in a while. It's not anything serious.. blah blah blah..." As soon as any competition arises, so does the man's desire to eliminate it somehow. If he thinks you've got him on a string, he will suddenly be more motivated to nail you down, so to speak. I can feel the other men on this forum hurling rocks at me as I speak. That all seems pretty... ridiculous. I can only speak for myself (and my female friends), but we pride ourselves on NOT doing that kind of stuff. We say what we mean, we do what we say. I thought guys hated when girls played those kinds of mind games? For instance, if a guy pulls that on me... starts talking about his hot friend, or a girl he has a date with, I nod politely and then hightail it for the door. I mean why the heck stick around with a guy who isn't interested?? I distinctly recall a party, in which I and a guy were flirting back and forth, successfully I thought. Then all of sudden a pretty girl bats her eyes at him, and it was like Road Runner to her side of the party. To this day, any time he tries to speak with me, I quickly find somewhere else to be. I cannot flee fast enough from a guy who runs hot/cold. I guess I just don't understand these techniques. They would only seem to work if the guy was invested, or cared. I've always been told you can't MAKE someone like you... So if a guy isn't interested in me, why would playing these games suddenly change that? Wouldn't he just go on... just not caring?
motive2002 Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 You can't make someone like you, sure.. but a little scarcity can tip the scale in your favor. Here's another little tidbit: A lot of men wander around seeking approval from women. It's behavior taught to them by their mommies.... and as more and more men come from single parent homes, more of this phenomena occurs. Approval is the opposite of abandonment. Sounds pretty black and white, but emotions hardly run grey. If you don't like a certain behavior from a man you're seeing, make sure you call him on it. While at first you may think you're nagging, or that he will turn and run the second you say anything, his instinct to gain approval will probably kick in and you might get something other than you expected. Either way you're letting your dissatisfaction be known, which you should really do anyway.
TuffCookieX Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 That all seems pretty... ridiculous. I can only speak for myself (and my female friends), but we pride ourselves on NOT doing that kind of stuff. We say what we mean, we do what we say. I thought guys hated when girls played those kinds of mind games? I've always been told you can't MAKE someone like you... So if a guy isn't interested in me, why would playing these games suddenly change that? Wouldn't he just go on... just not caring? First off, motive isn't really talking about "games". And no you can't MAKE someone like you, but you can manipulate certain things that will gain his attraction to you emotionally. Take it like this: Have you ever had a guy hit on you a lot? Shower you with compliments? No matter how hot he may be, if he texts and calls you every 5 minutes and never gives you any space, you will quickly lose interest. If this SAME guy gave you space, let you live your life, hit you up every once in a while, you would be totally into him. It's because he's allowing your mind to think of him in your own time, as opposed to being all up in your business 24/7. I'm not saying you're nagging anyone, but if you have ever been TOO available for a man, you will see how much you push him away. If you suddenly live a really busy life, and put him on your back burner, he will become more intent on being a bigger part of your life. He will want to hang out more. Weird how this psychology works, but it just does.
Author verhrzn Posted July 22, 2011 Author Posted July 22, 2011 Take it like this: Have you ever had a guy hit on you a lot? Shower you with compliments? No matter how hot he may be, if he texts and calls you every 5 minutes and never gives you any space, you will quickly lose interest. Maybe I'm bizarre, but I actually prefer that(ish) over a guy who only hits me up once in a while. I like feeling as if a guy's affections are a sure thing. If a guy is only contacting me once in a while, I figure he's not interested, and I flee. Additionally, I've done the whole "put the guy on the back burner" thing, and all the guy does is shrug and move on. Maybe I live in opposite world?
TuffCookieX Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 Maybe I'm bizarre, but I actually prefer that(ish) over a guy who only hits me up once in a while. I like feeling as if a guy's affections are a sure thing. If a guy is only contacting me once in a while, I figure he's not interested, and I flee. Additionally, I've done the whole "put the guy on the back burner" thing, and all the guy does is shrug and move on. Maybe I live in opposite world? Yes, you're in a different twilight zone. I don't know anyone who appreciates being smothered.
Author verhrzn Posted July 22, 2011 Author Posted July 22, 2011 Yes, you're in a different twilight zone. I don't know anyone who appreciates being smothered. Well I didn't say smothered (that's why I said -ish) but I guess I would prefer smothering over being ignored. I mean how the heck are you supposed to tell if they're into you if they're ignoring you/acting like you're on the back burner?
zengirl Posted July 23, 2011 Posted July 23, 2011 Does the rubberband effect ever work? Short term: Sure. Long term: Not often. And, I'll quote "The Lady's Reward" (Dorothy Parker) as I always do: "And if that makes you happy kid/You'd be the first it ever did." There are guys out there who want relationships. Don't smother them or be a crazy person or anything, but you don't have to play head games "with scarcity" to make them dig you. They'll actively build a relationship with you. Just wait for one of them who sparks your interest and try to be half of the dream couple you want to be right now rather than waiting till your guy gets here to be who you want to be. The end.
Casablanca Posted July 23, 2011 Posted July 23, 2011 Keep saying NO to Benefit until he treats you decently. and he constantly shows his commitment to the relationship with you. don't waste your time with men who don't take you seriously This...just as some women have a friends zone...guys have a fwb zone where if you enter it, that is all they will ever see you as... You want a relationship, the guys just trying to get you into bed without a commitment just want someone to sleep with and nothing more
26.2 Posted July 23, 2011 Posted July 23, 2011 You could try an opposite approach. Tell the man you've just met that you aren't looking for anything serious.. that you are dating around and don't want a commitment just yet. Then turn on the hot/cold behavior by giving him the girlfriend experience on one occasion and a "wham-bam thank you sir" on another. If you're really into tactics like that, you simply have to let him understand that he doesn't really "have" you, or even really have a shot at a long term thing and he'll be wracked with trying to figure out why! Meanwhile an emotional bond is created between you and he'll wonder how he could ever get by without you. I guess the short answer is play hard to get and don't act desperate. Make sure he knows you have all your options open. This could very well backfire on you. The key to success is to keep your cool know matter what. Harder than it sounds... I know that from experience. I agree with this in part. A month ago, I would have been the girl saying "That's ridiculous, I refuse to play games, I am honest and if a guy doesn't like the way I am, oh well." But in truth, I was hurt whenever a guy didn't find value in me enough to make me his girlfriend. Here's the deal, it won't be a game if you are not relying on a man to make you happy. If you are busy with your own goals and pursuits in life, then you naturally will not put too much focus on getting a guy to be your boyfriend. The independence and lack of neediness creates intrigue with men. It is in their nature, whether we females like it or not. They are hunters. Take it from me. I am a very attractive woman, I am intelligent, witty, unique, and down to earth. But, I was not taken seriously until recently when I decided to take a new approach. It is not a game to NOT make a man the center of your universe. Build you and they will come.
Casablanca Posted July 23, 2011 Posted July 23, 2011 You could try an opposite approach. Tell the man you've just met that you aren't looking for anything serious.. that you are dating around and don't want a commitment just yet. Then turn on the hot/cold behavior by giving him the girlfriend experience on one occasion and a "wham-bam thank you sir" on another. If you're really into tactics like that, you simply have to let him understand that he doesn't really "have" you, or even really have a shot at a long term thing and he'll be wracked with trying to figure out why! Meanwhile an emotional bond is created between you and he'll wonder how he could ever get by without you. I guess the short answer is play hard to get and don't act desperate. Make sure he knows you have all your options open. This could very well backfire on you. The key to success is to keep your cool know matter what. Harder than it sounds... I know that from experience. Awful idea...she clearly is looking for a relationship...so instead of playing childish games, she just shouldnt sleep with them until they've decided to be exclusive...if a guy doesnt want that, and only wants a booty, drop him dead and move on
make me believe Posted July 23, 2011 Posted July 23, 2011 verhrzn, I think you're going about it the right way. Just be up front about what you're looking for and if they aren't looking for the same thing, move on. Don't necessarily be flattered they want to be fwb with you -- lots of guys will take almost ANY fwb they can get. (Don't let their flattery fool you into settling for less than you want.) May I ask how old you are & how old these guys are? If you are all in your 20s it could just be a lifestage thing. Many guys in their 20s have no interest in settling down, so that could be why you keep meeting guys who just want sex. I met SOOOO many guys like that before I met my husband. I was 26 and he was 31 when we met. ALL of the guys in their mid-late 20s (and even some in their early 30s) that I met for about 2 years prior were only interested in having sex with as many girls as possible. I think it's more a culture thing right now. Hooking up is 'cool' for a lot of people, and making a commitment is not.
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