Why?

[BrokenFool]

Ladies and Gentlemen

I have a quick question

I owed my ex some money and didnt want to break NC 16 weeks to contact her about it so i posted her a cheque to her house

she would have received it and has had it for 8 days now yet hasnt cashed it

any reason why she may not have put the cheque in

before anybody says it we do the same job, you get a lot of free time, easy to just pop into the bank and pay the cheque in

 

should i message her saying hey did you get the cheque i sent you or is this what she is hoping for and hence not cashed it yet

 

opinions appreciated

[geegirl]

If your objective was to repay a debt then you mailed the check and the objective has been accomplished. Get back to NC.

 

If you were using this as an excuse to have an opportunity to get a rise or reaction from her, then you might as well send her a message because that was your objective, in the first place.

 

No one can tell you why she hasn't cashed it/didn't cash. That should not be of any concern to you because all you were trying to do is repay here and be done with it and continue your journey to healing, and that means stop focusing on her intent and actions.

 

You could have posted a check a while ago but you waited 4 months with the excuse of not wanting to break NC. Were you waiting this long to use the check as an excuse to open a little door? Hoping that you'll wait a few months and test the waters again?

[BrokenFool]

geegirl - i always read your posts and your a valued person on this site whose opinion i truly value so thank you

let me explain the money story

we were going out, she presurred me to take the money from her with the lines

whats mine is yours and whats yours is mine

maybe this why i came into your life

i wanna help you

if you dont take it it means your not interested in being with me long term

 

so i reluctantly took it

 

then throughout the whole relationship she made me feel like i was in the relationship for materialistic reasons and wanted to con her out of money despite me explaining to her throughout the 3 years that if that was my game plan i would have gone within the 1st month not stuck by her through thick or thin, spending money on her birthday and not even getting a birthday card, always paying when we went out and always being the one travelling the 600 miles to see her all the time

 

anyways we broke up and i took redundancy from work , i gave her half her money, it took me 10 months to get another job and in April i started working , as soon as i was earning again and had a routine i posted her a cheque for the rest of the money

 

maybe i do still have hope in my heart if im honest because i love her and its not that i viewed the cheque as a way to open the door , i suppose i viewed the cheque as a ha their you go theirs your money you didnt have to ask me for it , i didnt try keep it shame i proved you wrong

 

im just curious as to what she may be thinking when she got the cheque as i can honestly say hand on my heart that if she told her friends i dumped x and treated him like this, he wanted to be friends i ignored him and he owes me x amount of money , all her friends would have said you aint gonna get the money back forget it , its a large amount for anybody to pay back and in this current economic climate he isnt gonna give it you back

 

well i have because i have never valued materialistic things over love

i just wonder what she is thinking

and why she hasnt put the cheque in

 

knowing her after obviously going out with her for 3 years i think she hopes i will text her saying hey did you get the cheque i posted you, i cant do that , for the first time i have found some strength and got to NC 16 weeks i cant break it

 

dont know what to do - i miss her and love her so much but i cant be her dog anymore

my love was worth more

[KathyM]

Ladies and Gentlemen

I have a quick question

I owed my ex some money and didnt want to break NC 16 weeks to contact her about it so i posted her a cheque to her house

she would have received it and has had it for 8 days now yet hasnt cashed it

any reason why she may not have put the cheque in

before anybody says it we do the same job, you get a lot of free time, easy to just pop into the bank and pay the cheque in

 

should i message her saying hey did you get the cheque i sent you or is this what she is hoping for and hence not cashed it yet

 

opinions appreciated

I don't see anything wrong with sending her an Email to say that you sent her the check in the mail and wanted to make sure she received it.

[Graceful]

should i message her saying hey did you get the cheque i sent you or is this what she is hoping for and hence not cashed it yet

 

opinions appreciated

 

This is a non-issue. Why are you making an issue out of it?

 

I don't give a flying why she didn't cash the check yet, and neither should you. You fulfilled your obligation. Done and done.

 

What she is "hoping for" is not your problem, nor your concern.

 

And yes, you don't want to be her dog anymore. Good to admit that.

 

It's been 16 weeks and she has not done even one gesture to indicate she wants to resolve anything about the breakup, let alone get back with you.

So see it for what it is.

 

And, uh, no messaging, unless you want to go back to doormat status, and I don't think that's what you want, is it? Good.

Edited July 22, 2011 by Graceful

[BrokenFool]

Graceful - your a angel whose opinions and words flow like blood flowing through someodys veins and without your input the last few weeks i dont know what i would have done

 

i wont break NC i promise you , i dont want her to think oh he used the money as a excuse to contact me , i wanna show her wow he sent me a cheque and he posted it me from my home town ( i live 300 miles away and have to go to her town for work) and he didnt contact me

 

im just curious - yes your right graceful 16 weeks NC and even the 7-8 weeks NC before i relapsed she has done nothing to show me i meant something to her

apart from anonymous things like private number calls which no matter how sure i am is her , dont mean anything

 

i just wonder why she wouldnt pop into the bank and cash the cheque , it only takes 5 minutes

 

if im totally honest im looking for things that arent there , i still love her , reading peoples stories about their ex contacting them after 6 months NC, their ex turning up on their door etc and i have hope that she will do that for me

i know her she is extremely stubborn and a scaredy cat

she wont make the first move

but i cant make it either because i cant be a doormat again , she has to show me i mean something for once

[KathyM]

What if she didn't get the check? I think it's normal to want to verify that she got it if it was never cashed. That way, you have proof that she received it, and she can never go around claiming that you are some kind of deadbeat that never paid her the money you owed her. That's not being a dormat by wanting to verify. That's just common sense, IMO.

[geegirl]

im just curious as to what she may be thinking when she got the cheque as i can honestly say hand on my heart that if she told her friends i dumped x and treated him like this, he wanted to be friends i ignored him and he owes me x amount of money , all her friends would have said you aint gonna get the money back forget it , its a large amount for anybody to pay back and in this current economic climate he isnt gonna give it you back

 

well i have because i have never valued materialistic things over love

i just wonder what she is thinking

and why she hasnt put the cheque in

 

knowing her after obviously going out with her for 3 years i think she hopes i will text her saying hey did you get the cheque i posted you, i cant do that , for the first time i have found some strength and got to NC 16 weeks i cant break it

 

dont know what to do - i miss her and love her so much but i cant be her dog anymore

my love was worth more

 

That's the thing Broken, you can't do these things and then sit there and wonder what she is thinking, why she didn't do this, didn't do that, etc. If the objective was to give her the money back and make good with yourself, then you did that.

 

We will never know why she is not cashing the check. Maybe she is on vacation. Maybe she has no time (and there you go analysing about how you both have same work schedule and she should have time). Maybe she's too lazy to go to the bank.

 

OR

 

Maybe she is using this as an open door as she probably know's you will get a rise out it and break contact.

 

Could be all of the above. Who knows?

 

Broken you don't want to break NC. You don't want to start back at square one again. You don't want to let all those 16 weeks be all for naught. You worked hard to get where you are. Don't let this check get in your way. You wanted to keep your reputation and character intact. You did just that. Now let it go. That was your main objective.

 

You love the girl and miss her BUT you don't want to be her dog anymore. If that is what you truly want, let this go.

[Nohbody]

geegirl, you really should start charging. But please don't.

[geegirl]

What if she didn't get the check? I think it's normal to want to verify that she got it if it was never cashed. That way, you have proof that she received it, and she can never go around claiming that you are some kind of deadbeat that never paid her the money you owed her. That's not being a dormat by wanting to verify. That's just common sense, IMO.

 

It's the rational and indifferent thing to do when you are unemotional about someone. But when you have hidden agendas, you're hoping for reconciliation, you're emotional and still have hope, etc. any type of contact is bound to cause confusion and more posts about interpretations of the response from his ex. Every door should be kept closed when trying to heal. Every door. Any crack is bound to leave someone, who is still emotionally attached, hopeful and confused. Broken has not even had contact and he's already focusing on her and confused about her intent.

[BrokenFool]

geegirl - you also like graceful have helped a lot of people on here and i truly value your opinion

i know i have to let go , i know i have to stop looking at what she is doing via facebook via whatsapp etc and HOPE she is doing it for me

i know in my heart thats probably not true

she told me back in March she was with somebody else now and i truly truly believe in my heart on april 26th when i received 7 private number calls before 10am it was her , wanting/hoping i would ring her back or answer and we could talk and she could tell me she only said that to stop me from contacting her etc i know it was

but was does it matter ?? she could be with somebody else for all i know

she could be happy and i hope she is , i always wanted her to be happy and always tried to make her happy so why not be happy that she is happy even if it is with somebody else

i just wanted her to do something - a email, a text, a apology, a phone call anything just to show her that i did mean something to her

she did appreciate the effort i made for her,

but she did nothing and that hurts the most and i suppose that is why i still have hope in my heart

ive decided when i mail her the next cheque at the end of the month when i get paid

i will wait a few weeks then send a message saying did you get the cheques

to be honest i think im scared if i message her it will make me weak again and just seeing her name pop up on my screen will break me

i didnt ever think love was this painful that 6 months later i would still love her and think about her as much as i am

its like her thoughts are with me from the moment i wake up to the moment i go to sleep

i check her facebook, she puts new profile pics up i smile , i feel a pain deep inside , longing to text her telling her she looks beautiful , telling her i miss her, i love her and wanna marry her

why did i mean so little she moved on so fast and so horribly and never looked back to see me standing where she left me and im still there

i pray to god just to see her again one day even if its from afar, just to speak to her again one time

at least i can say goodbye

[geegirl]

geegirl, you really should start charging. But please don't.

 

Limited time only!

[Graceful]

What if she didn't get the check? I think it's normal to want to verify that she got it if it was never cashed. That way, you have proof that she received it, and she can never go around claiming that you are some kind of deadbeat that never paid her the money you owed her. That's not being a dormat by wanting to verify. That's just common sense, IMO.

Proof? The only way he could have verified her receipt of the check, would have been to have sent it certified with signature required. That's proof.

 

Asking her? That's hardly proof. In no way is that proof, in fact.

 

And it's not that it was "never" cashed. It simply has not been cashed yet. It has only been a few days. He needs to give it time.

 

He has absolutely no proof he sent it, but she also can't prove she didn't receive it. If he sent the check with a return address label, it's very unlikely she did not get it, or he would have gotten the envelope back.

(Hmmmm. Unless he sent a bank check, and has a receipt from the bank, that would be his proof. But only if it was this type of check.)

 

Let sleeping dogs lie, Broken. I am very proud of you, I mean that. I know this is taking you all the strength you have in you, but despite your lingering emotional ties to your ex, she is bad, bad, oh so bad for you.

 

And I want the best for you, you know?

Edited July 22, 2011 by Graceful

[BrokenFool]

Graceful - its been 8 days since she would have deffo got the cheque, i posted it from the post office round the corner from her house and have allowed 2 days for it to get to her, so since then she has had 8 days to pop into a local branch and deposit it

i know she was home because i drove past her house her car was there and i saw her in her bedroom window

your right give it more time

the cheque is made out in her name , its account payee only so if she didnt receive it or doesnt cash it its not going anywhere , the money will still be in my account

im due to send her another cheque at the end of the month and again will send it from the post office round the corner from her house

im sure the coming days will make everything clearer

 

let me change the subject a little bit and ask a question specifically to geegirl and graceful, although any other girl who can shed some light please feel free to chirp in

 

you dump your boyfriend - reasons we just arent suitable etc no cheating abusing etc

you refuse to talk to him, refuse to even reply to his messages

somebody who gave you his all for 3 years, took all your crap never left your side , did so much for you and he didnt even deserve to be dumped for the 100th plus time face to face

he owes you say $10000 , a lot of money in anybodys eyes

after the way you treated him and broke up with him for him to just disappear and keep the money or mess you around

you asked him to leave you alone, told him you had somebody else , expected him to hassle you cause you problems etc

 

hes done none of the kind and low and behold you wake up to cheques of nearly $4000, without asking , without any prompting he has started giving your money back to you

where all relationship you had mis thought and treated him always like he was with you for money , presents etc

 

what would you be thinking now ?????

[KathyM]

It's the rational and indifferent thing to do when you are unemotional about someone. But when you have hidden agendas, you're hoping for reconciliation, you're emotional and still have hope, etc. any type of contact is bound to cause confusion and more posts about interpretations of the response from his ex. Every door should be kept closed when trying to heal. Every door. Any crack is bound to leave someone, who is still emotionally attached, hopeful and confused. Broken has not even had contact and he's already focusing on her and confused about her intent.

I guess I'm not a fan of game playing. All this talk on this board about no contact as a strategy of some kind, I'm just not getting the point. If your goal is to break it off with someone permanently and you are certain that is what you want, then NC would make sense. But if you actually do want to reconcile and still have feelings for the person, engaging in NC would have the opposite effect of getting you what you want. Maintaining contact in some way is a way to get back together. Maybe it will work out, maybe it won't. But it's certainly not going to if you break off all contact with the person. I'm not suggesting that inquiring about the check should be done for the purpose of maintaining contact, but checks get lost in the mail or delivered to the wrong address, etc. It seems to me that sending a short "I sent the check. Please verify that you received it", wouldn't be jeopardizing anything either way. Maybe you guys don't want the OP to get his hopes up and want to encourage him to move on, but there are plenty of times that contacting a person for business purposes or unfinished business ends up in a reconciliation. It happened to my sister, and she ended up marrying the guy. But whichever way the OP wishes (to keep it in the past or to reconcile), I don't see the harm in verifying that the check was received.

[FinOuch]

Graceful - its been 8 days since she would have deffo got the cheque, i posted it from the post office round the corner from her house and have allowed 2 days for it to get to her, so since then she has had 8 days to pop into a local branch and deposit it

i know she was home because i drove past her house her car was there and i saw her in her bedroom window

 

I would recommend against driving by her place, even if for valid reasons. I did that a few times, and it absolutely set me back.

 

And to play devil's advocate - it's very easy for me to get to the bank as I work practically next door from it. Regardless, I've had checks for a few thousand dollars that have sat on my kitchen counter/bar for weeks for the most random reasons. I forgot about it on the way out the door. It got buried in my mail and I just forgot about it. I did remember it, but forgot it was in my purse while at work. I just didn't want to walk the whole 50 feet to the bank.

 

It's very possible that she just hasn't bothered because she doesn't need the cash in her account right now.

 

let me change the subject a little bit and ask a question specifically to geegirl and graceful, although any other girl who can shed some light please feel free to chirp in

 

you dump your boyfriend - reasons we just arent suitable etc no cheating abusing etc

you refuse to talk to him, refuse to even reply to his messages

somebody who gave you his all for 3 years, took all your crap never left your side , did so much for you and he didnt even deserve to be dumped for the 100th plus time face to face

he owes you say $10000 , a lot of money in anybodys eyes

after the way you treated him and broke up with him for him to just disappear and keep the money or mess you around

you asked him to leave you alone, told him you had somebody else , expected him to hassle you cause you problems etc

 

hes done none of the kind and low and behold you wake up to cheques of nearly $4000, without asking , without any prompting he has started giving your money back to you

where all relationship you had mis thought and treated him always like he was with you for money , presents etc

 

what would you be thinking now ?????

 

In all honesty? I would be shocked that he paid the money back. And I would be wondering if it were a way to get in contact with me. (yes, even despite the fact that I dumped him)

[BrokenFool]

KathyM - thank you for your repsonse and i do totally agree with you believe me , but when the need for reconciliation and the love is one sided ie from me and ive been told by her i dont want to stay in touch with you, stop hassling me ,stop texting me etc then what other option do i have apart from NC

i could have harassed her and contacted her until what ? she changed her mobile number

she already blocked me on facebook and whatsapp so i had to finally get the message

believe me i dont play games at all, power plays and all the baloney doesnt appeal to me at all im a very very simple person, love and be loved thats it and if i knew that their was even a 1% chance that i could just text her hey just wondering if you got the cheque i sent you and she would reply i would trust me but i cant

all throughout the relationship she valued me as much as a dog and still like a idiot i stayed , i knew in my heart she didnt love me but i stayed and hoped one thing i would do for her would make her love me , the fact i stood by her side would make her love me , as time went on i started meaning less and less to her and she knew she had me

she knew she could treat me however she wanted, do whatever she wanted and i would be there like a dog - i gave her that licence

so now that i have finally found the strength and routine to not contact her in anyway shape or form i cant be weak now and contact her otherwise that will be a excuse to contact her

 

Finouch - thank you for your reply, entirely plausible shes in no big rush to deposit the cheque as she doesnt need the money , didnt think of it like that

i disagree with your second view though slightly , if the amount of money owed was a small amount the fact i gave it back may be seen as trying to get a excuse to talk, but with a large amount of cash and a choice between giving it back and hoping she may talk to me or keeping it and spending it on myself most guys would go for the latter

 

i thank all you guys for being here for me in these hard times, i know i will love again , i know i deserve better because i know me

i know what i am capable off

but it just pains me we were so suited, broke up for childish stupid reasons and by the time she sees that it will be too late

[KathyM]

KathyM - thank you for your repsonse and i do totally agree with you believe me , but when the need for reconciliation and the love is one sided ie from me and ive been told by her i dont want to stay in touch with you, stop hassling me ,stop texting me etc then what other option do i have apart from NC

i could have harassed her and contacted her until what ? she changed her mobile number

she already blocked me on facebook and whatsapp so i had to finally get the message

believe me i dont play games at all, power plays and all the baloney doesnt appeal to me at all im a very very simple person, love and be loved thats it and if i knew that their was even a 1% chance that i could just text her hey just wondering if you got the cheque i sent you and she would reply i would trust me but i cant

all throughout the relationship she valued me as much as a dog and still like a idiot i stayed , i knew in my heart she didnt love me but i stayed and hoped one thing i would do for her would make her love me , the fact i stood by her side would make her love me , as time went on i started meaning less and less to her and she knew she had me

she knew she could treat me however she wanted, do whatever she wanted and i would be there like a dog - i gave her that licence

so now that i have finally found the strength and routine to not contact her in anyway shape or form i cant be weak now and contact her otherwise that will be a excuse to contact her

 

Finouch - thank you for your reply, entirely plausible shes in no big rush to deposit the cheque as she doesnt need the money , didnt think of it like that

i disagree with your second view though slightly , if the amount of money owed was a small amount the fact i gave it back may be seen as trying to get a excuse to talk, but with a large amount of cash and a choice between giving it back and hoping she may talk to me or keeping it and spending it on myself most guys would go for the latter

 

i thank all you guys for being here for me in these hard times, i know i will love again , i know i deserve better because i know me

i know what i am capable off

but it just pains me we were so suited, broke up for childish stupid reasons and by the time she sees that it will be too late

If she treated you that badly, you are lucky to be rid of her. I guess if contacting her about the check is too emotionally charged for you to handle well, then not contacting her would be the answer. I, personally, would want to verify that she received it, just for practical reasons, but if you feel you would be making too much of an emotional investment with that act, then it's probably best to drop it. Assume she got it. When she told you to not contact her again, I don't think verifying she got the check would fall under the category of wanting her back or harrassing her, but if it's too much to handle, then don't contact her. I hope you find someone that will treat you well. Don't settle for being treated badly by any woman. (Unless it's your wife--then you have to work on it.)

[geegirl]

I guess I'm not a fan of game playing. All this talk on this board about no contact as a strategy of some kind, I'm just not getting the point. If your goal is to break it off with someone permanently and you are certain that is what you want, then NC would make sense. But if you actually do want to reconcile and still have feelings for the person, engaging in NC would have the opposite effect of getting you what you want. Maintaining contact in some way is a way to get back together. Maybe it will work out, maybe it won't. But it's certainly not going to if you break off all contact with the person. I'm not suggesting that inquiring about the check should be done for the purpose of maintaining contact, but checks get lost in the mail or delivered to the wrong address, etc. It seems to me that sending a short "I sent the check. Please verify that you received it", wouldn't be jeopardizing anything either way. Maybe you guys don't want the OP to get his hopes up and want to encourage him to move on, but there are plenty of times that contacting a person for business purposes or unfinished business ends up in a reconciliation. It happened to my sister, and she ended up marrying the guy. But whichever way the OP wishes (to keep it in the past or to reconcile), I don't see the harm in verifying that the check was received.

 

Yes, if you truly want NC to heal, then great. But Broken's choice to NC has motives. He wants to heal but also has hope for reconciliation. It's easy when you have no feelings so any type of response will be water off a ducks back. But to Broken, reaching out in any type of way (driven by motive) and any type of non-response or response from her will leave him emotionally tangled. That's why I said, if he's using NC in hopes to get back, then he might as well contact because he's not done with her yet. Until you know you are done, it's only then NC will stick, and you'll do it for you and you alone. NC is not game playing if you apply it the way it should be applied.

Edited July 22, 2011 by geegirl

[Graceful]

Graceful - its been 8 days since she would have deffo got the cheque, i posted it from the post office round the corner from her house and have allowed 2 days for it to get to her, so since then she has had 8 days to pop into a local branch and deposit it

i know she was home because i drove past her house her car was there and i saw her in her bedroom window

your right give it more time

Okay, I agree she would have to have gotten the check by now. But I still think you need to give it more time.

I have to say -- I don't always run to the bank with every check I get --- although a check that size (I have to admit I am shocked it was that much money) -- I don't know. Your ex is a big spender, and she really may not be someone to run to the bank. But I'd give it more time.

 

let me change the subject a little bit and ask a question specifically to geegirl and graceful, although any other girl who can shed some light please feel free to chirp in

 

you dump your boyfriend - reasons we just arent suitable etc no cheating abusing etc

you refuse to talk to him, refuse to even reply to his messages

somebody who gave you his all for 3 years, took all your crap never left your side , did so much for you and he didnt even deserve to be dumped for the 100th plus time face to face

he owes you say $10000 , a lot of money in anybodys eyes

after the way you treated him and broke up with him for him to just disappear and keep the money or mess you around

you asked him to leave you alone, told him you had somebody else , expected him to hassle you cause you problems etc

 

hes done none of the kind and low and behold you wake up to cheques of nearly $4000, without asking , without any prompting he has started giving your money back to you

where all relationship you had mis thought and treated him always like he was with you for money , presents etc

 

what would you be thinking now ?????

 

Broken, again, I am shocked it was that much money. I cannot compare myself to your ex, by any means, as I would never treat someone as poorly as she treated you, pushed you around and dumped you summarily for the better part of three years, and so my reaction is not the same as the reaction of your ex, you see.

 

But I'd be thinking, well, he's an honorable man, and I would be very pleased. If he said he was going to pay me back, then he has been true to his word. From what you have said of yourself, this is true to who you are and what she must know of you. Is she surprised anyhow? That's not something I can answer. Is this something that *every* guy would do after being treated the way you were? No, certainly not.

 

I don't know if she is thankful for your honesty, but she should be. Otherwise, we're just dealing with speculation here, right? Take care, darling Broken, and keep the faith. Until we meet again, okay?

 

 

(And Kathy, you would have to have read all the back story to understand the advice we are giving here. Broken was dumped, countless times, over the course of three years, and treated so horribly the posts were hard to even read. So yes, we are advocating that he stay away from the abusive, hurtful, crazy behavior of his ex. She's a manipulative, conniving, abusive, mean-spirited person. We're not advocating playing a game, that's the last thing we're doing.)

[KathyM]

Yes, if you truly want NC to heal, then great. But Broken's choice to NC has motives. He wants to heal but also has hope for reconciliation. It's easy when you have no feelings so any type of response will be water off a ducks back. But to Broken, reaching out in any type of way (driven by motive) and any type of non-response or response from her will leave him emotionally tangled. That's why I said, if he's using NC in hopes to get back, then he might as well contact because he's not done with her yet. Until you know you are done, it's only then NC will stick, and you'll do it for you and you alone. NC is not game playing if you apply it the way it should be applied.

To apply NC to end a relationship that you are sure you want ended, then that makes sense. To apply NC as a strategy to win someone back, if that is your intent, doesn't make sense to me. People move on with their lives. Staying out of contact is not going to lead to reconciliation. Of course, continual contact trying to get a reluctant X back into a relationship would have an adverse effect and drive them further away, but strict NC, if your goal is to reconcile, has little chance of resulting in a reconciliation. That being said, Broken would be wise to leave that relationship in the past, from what he's said about her. Well, I'm done pondering, and need to get some work done. Have a nice day.