imstuckinatree3 Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 First off let me say that I love my girlfriend, and this is not what I would consider a deal breaker. However, something has to be done. My girlfriend is an only child that still lives at home. Her dad travels a lot for weeks at a time. In fact, in all the time we've been together, I've only seen him twice. So the only people really ever in her house are her and her mom. Don't get me wrong, I like her mom and she really likes me. In fact, she is one of the nicest people I've ever met. The problem is, her mom has no friends. And I mean NO friends. My girlfriend is the only part of her social life. Her mom goes to work, she files paperwork in a room by herself all day, then she comes home and waits for my girlfriend to get home from work. My girlfriend just kind of accepts it. We will make plans to go out, and then her mom says that she wants her home, so she will cancel our plans last minute. I do get to see probably every other day, but her mother affects our plans usually once a week. And while we're out her mother will call almost every hour just to talk, and if my girlfriend ignores her, she will just keep calling every couple of minutes until she answers. If she turns off her phone, she will just call my phone to get to her (she knows mine is always on because I'm usually on call). No joke, once we were having sex and her mom kept calling and we had to stop so she could talk to her. Like I said, I love her, and I love her mom. But this has to change. I asked her the other day to ask her mom to take it easy. In eight days I am leaving for Holland for five months and will only be able to come home once a month and I'll probably only be able to talk to her once a week, so I wanted to spend as much time with her as possible. She said she told her mom to lay off for a little while, but nothing has seemed to change. I don't want to be "that guy" and be all controlling. She is always very apoligetic when something happens, but at the same time, she just accepts it. Is there something I can do about this? Can I try to get her mom to start being more social with people her own age? Or should I confront her straight up about it seeing as its not helping coming from her mother? Like i said, I love them both, and I'm glad she is close with her family, this this is at a point of riciculousness.
Ruby Slippers Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 You have described a very unhealthy, enmeshed relationship. No one can change it but your girlfriend, and if she does, it's going to happen sloooowly. Can you accept the situation as it is and wait for it to change gradually over time, if at all? If yes, talk to her about it. If not, move on.
KathyM Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 First off let me say that I love my girlfriend, and this is not what I would consider a deal breaker. However, something has to be done. My girlfriend is an only child that still lives at home. Her dad travels a lot for weeks at a time. In fact, in all the time we've been together, I've only seen him twice. So the only people really ever in her house are her and her mom. Don't get me wrong, I like her mom and she really likes me. In fact, she is one of the nicest people I've ever met. The problem is, her mom has no friends. And I mean NO friends. My girlfriend is the only part of her social life. Her mom goes to work, she files paperwork in a room by herself all day, then she comes home and waits for my girlfriend to get home from work. My girlfriend just kind of accepts it. We will make plans to go out, and then her mom says that she wants her home, so she will cancel our plans last minute. I do get to see probably every other day, but her mother affects our plans usually once a week. And while we're out her mother will call almost every hour just to talk, and if my girlfriend ignores her, she will just keep calling every couple of minutes until she answers. If she turns off her phone, she will just call my phone to get to her (she knows mine is always on because I'm usually on call). No joke, once we were having sex and her mom kept calling and we had to stop so she could talk to her. Like I said, I love her, and I love her mom. But this has to change. I asked her the other day to ask her mom to take it easy. In eight days I am leaving for Holland for five months and will only be able to come home once a month and I'll probably only be able to talk to her once a week, so I wanted to spend as much time with her as possible. She said she told her mom to lay off for a little while, but nothing has seemed to change. I don't want to be "that guy" and be all controlling. She is always very apoligetic when something happens, but at the same time, she just accepts it. Is there something I can do about this? Can I try to get her mom to start being more social with people her own age? Or should I confront her straight up about it seeing as its not helping coming from her mother? Like i said, I love them both, and I'm glad she is close with her family, this this is at a point of riciculousness. In psychology terminology, this is called enmeshment. It happens when a parent is lacking a relationship with her spouse, either because of emotional abandonment or lack of physical presence of the spouse in a relationship. The parent turns to the child to fill those needs that she is not getting met from the spouse. This makes it very difficult for the child and anyone trying to have a relationship with the child, since the parent is overly involved in their life. You are right to be concerned, and this is a very abnormal situation. Unhealthy. Your job is not to try to fulfill her mother's life with other people or other things. Your job is to suggest to your gf that her too-close relationship with her mother is becoming a burdon on your relationship with the daughter. The daughter needs to set boundaries with her mother. No calls while out on dates, unless it is an emergency. No restrictions on when she can go on dates, unless she is a minor, and even that should not be done unless for valid reason (needs to do homework, etc.) If she is an adult, there should be no restrictions on her coming and going. The daughter is supposed to be becoming autonomous from the mother, and unless the daughter sets boundaries with her and enforces them, you are always going to have this problem, and it is a problem that will only get worse if the daughter doesn't handle the problem. She has to tell her mother, no phone calls unless it's an emergency, while out on a date. If the mother continues to call regardless, the daughter shouldn't even answer the phone.
iJester Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 Break up with her. It's never going to end, and the only chance that it will is if your girlfriend decides she's had enough. I don't see anything besides breaking up with her over this issue having enough effect to make her want her mother to change. Break up with her and tell her that you'd be willing to try again when you're back from Holland if she thinks things will be different. Go enjoy Holland!
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