tigressA Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 BF is teaching me how to drive and it's not the most fun thing in the world. There were a couple of good days early on but lately it seems like the more I drive, the more I suck at it, and the faster I give up. Whenever I do something wrong he snaps at me a little bit, and I snap back, and then I just pull over and tell him to drive before I totally explode. Last weekend I unintentionally got onto the freeway and he freaked out--he had been on the phone and wasn't paying attention to what I was doing. I freaked out too, pulled over as soon as I could and burst into tears behind my sunglasses. I was shaking. He apologized a thousand times after I unloaded on him--like "WHAT THE F*CK were you doing on the phone with ME behind the wheel?!" Last night was the first time I was behind the wheel since the freeway incident and I was honked at three separate times, for legit reasons. The last time was when I escaped collision with someone coming through the intersection on the right when I was crossing it. I had been looking only at the left side because BF had told me to just look there. When that ordeal was over I said, "YOU TOLD ME to only look on the left! What else was I supposed to do?" He said, "Oh I don't know, use common sense?! You want me to tell you absolutely everything you have to do, every step of the way?!" I said, "F*ck...never mind, never mind! I'm not going to get into this now." A few minutes later, I pulled into a parking lot and told him he could drive; I was feeling sleepy. But I wasn't feeling sleepy as much as p*ssed off and frustrated. I need to learn how to drive so I can get my license, but I don't like driving with him anymore. I need a professional, but I've looked into it and it costs money that I don't have. I'm starting to feel like his teaching me is putting cracks into our relationship. Any advice?
TheBigQuestion Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 (edited) If your driving is as bad as you're making it out to be in your post, I'm not sure a professional would have much more patience (although there's nothing wrong with being really bad at first). My instructor in high school was extremely cranky, but effective nonetheless. If you can take flack from a stranger, I'd say go for that instead. P.S. I was really tempted to crack a joke about women and driving abilities, but I might be maturing after all. Edited July 22, 2011 by TheBigQuestion
Author tigressA Posted July 22, 2011 Author Posted July 22, 2011 If your driving is as bad as you're making it out to be in your post, I'm not sure a professional would have much more patience. My instructor in high school was extremely cranky, but effective nonetheless. If you can take flack from a stranger, I'd say go for that instead. P.S. I was really tempted to crack a joke about women and driving abilities, but I might be maturing after all. It's really not that bad, but I feel like it's become worse since I started. Some times here and there I'll forget to signal when I'm about to turn, or I'll take too long sitting at an intersection when I could've made the turn but didn't realize it until BF says something. When that happens he scolds me, like "GO! Turn!" And I automatically go on the defensive. I get nervous about other drivers because being honked at startles me. He tells me to make as many turns as possible while we're out but I get scared to because I don't know where those roads will lead. The last time I did that I ended up on the freeway! So I keep going straight and he'll scold me about not making turns, then tell me to only make left turns when possible, and I find it difficult to keep my eyes everywhere at once. When he scolds me like that I get offended, feel like I'm being treated like a child, and I go on the attack. I've cussed him out pretty severely. We inevitably make up but I know these episodes are doing damage.
anne1707 Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 Is your bf just letting you decide on the route with no input from him? If he is taking on responsibility for teaching you to drive, he should also plan appropriate routes for your current driving abilities. To just tell you to turn as much as you can is silly and potentially dangerous. I would also be concerned that he might be teaching you his own bad driving habits.
Author tigressA Posted July 22, 2011 Author Posted July 22, 2011 Is your bf just letting you decide on the route with no input from him? If he is taking on responsibility for teaching you to drive, he should also plan appropriate routes for your current driving abilities. To just tell you to turn as much as you can is silly and potentially dangerous. I would also be concerned that he might be teaching you his own bad driving habits. Yeah, I'm going to tell him that. I thought of that because the last time that happened, as I said, I ended up on the freeway and I was scared to death, and he certainly did not help at all by freaking out at me. I was trying to merge and he was yelling "Get the speed, get the speed!" I could have killed us both! I was so pissed off about him having been on the phone and not paying attention. If he wants to teach me he needs to take on the full responsibility and pay attention to what the f*ck I'm doing.
sm1tten Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 Some people are just not good teachers, even when well-intentioned. He is not being responsible or patient with this, and you're both under- and over-thinking everything and getting defensive. A driving instructor is probably not going to be kinder to you, but they will be giving you a more well-rounded driving instruction than you might be getting. So that instead of being "told" what to do you understand what you need to do. It might be a worthwhile investment if you can make it. If you can't, then you need to sit down with your boyfriend and plan out routes and explain what you need from him as an instructor before you get behind the wheel. Personally, I hate driving. When I get honked at, I feel bad! But you have to get yourself into the mindset that getting honked at WILL happen, that you are sometimes going to take unfamiliar roads, that you will sometimes have to rely on instinct and not someone telling you what to do. It's definitely a mental thing.
Author tigressA Posted July 22, 2011 Author Posted July 22, 2011 (edited) Some people are just not good teachers, even when well-intentioned. He is not being responsible or patient with this, and you're both under- and over-thinking everything and getting defensive. A driving instructor is probably not going to be kinder to you, but they will be giving you a more well-rounded driving instruction than you might be getting. So that instead of being "told" what to do you understand what you need to do. It might be a worthwhile investment if you can make it. If you can't, then you need to sit down with your boyfriend and plan out routes and explain what you need from him as an instructor before you get behind the wheel. Personally, I hate driving. When I get honked at, I feel bad! But you have to get yourself into the mindset that getting honked at WILL happen, that you are sometimes going to take unfamiliar roads, that you will sometimes have to rely on instinct and not someone telling you what to do. It's definitely a mental thing. Yeah, I think planning routes will help. It's nerve-wracking when you don't know where you're going. The few good times were actually when we had a specific destination in mind now that I think of it. Something that irks me is how easily frustrated he gets with me when I'm driving. It's really the only time when he snaps at me and I'm not used to it at all. It makes me feel bad about myself and I end up dishing it back out at least twofold. I start cussing, pull over and give him the driver's seat back--like "Yeah, you're so good at it, why don't you do it from now on, *******?!" And I end up shortchanging myself because of it. I give up valuable instruction time. The funny thing is that when I go after him he gets contrite. Makes me think of Ruby Slippers' recent posts about how men may really love b*tches after all. Edited July 22, 2011 by tigressA
kalikula Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 Hmmm, I'm not exactly sure on this one. Teaching someone to drive can be a frustrating experience (and being taught how to drive). My mom taught me to drive and we would always be arguing. Maybe you should try going to places that you know. I don't really like driving without a destination either. I feel like you will be a better driver soon, so it will inevitably get better..
Professor X Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 What are you doing trying to drive?? Go to the kitchen, save some lives.
Author tigressA Posted July 22, 2011 Author Posted July 22, 2011 So he came home a little while ago to get his stuff before he went away for the weekend, and I laid down the line. I told him we will need to plan routes/have a specific destination in mind each time, and that if he wants to take full responsibility for teaching me he needs to pay attention to what I'm doing and not be on the phone or whatever else. I told him that merely telling me to turn whenever possible is stupid and could possibly endanger our lives, like last time when I wound up on the freeway. Admittedly I ended with, "Am I clear?" He then got defensive, telling me to hire an instructor, that he's not going to bother, blah blah. I said, "Oh, so I should be grateful that you're 'bothering' to teach me at all, huh?!" He said, "That is not what I meant..." He didn't know where my tangent was coming from because there was only one time he was on his phone and not paying attention to what I was doing, and that was almost a week ago. But he'll be teaching me according to my guidelines from now on.
Kamille Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 I know instructors are costly, but even with the new plan... I don't know T. Professional instructors don't assume you know driving "common sense" when you've never driven before. Plus, "egos" wouldn't run as high with a professional instructor. Not to mention, you learn a whole lot about driving and security in driving classes, stuff that neither a boyfriend or parent could actually cover. And I don't know how it is where you are, but back when I got my license, we would get a discount on insurance if we took professional instructions. So maybe the cost upfront will save you money in the long-term.
Humate Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 I remember when my mother & father first taught me how to drive, it would never go down well. Like others have said, I truly believe that a lot of people aren't "teachers" and this can cause a lot of frustration on both ends. Professional lessons are an excellent idea. Mind you, you only need a "few" to get you going and when your confidence levels increase you could then discontinue them and then just have your boyfriend take you.
Feelsgoodman Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 I need to learn how to drive so I can get my license, but I don't like driving with him anymore. I need a professional, but I've looked into it and it costs money that I don't have. I'm starting to feel like his teaching me is putting cracks into our relationship. Any advice? If you can't afford driving lessons, how are you going to afford car payments, gas, insurance?? Sounds like your bf is not the greatest teacher and you are not the most apt student...which is a pretty dangerous combination when it comes to learning how to drive. On a side note, he is doing you a huge favour by letting you learn to drive on his car and you don't sound very appreciative. If you crash it, guess who's insurance is going to skyrocket? Personally, i would never let my girlfriend learn on my car. Personally, i would never let me girlfriend learn to drive on my car,
Author tigressA Posted July 22, 2011 Author Posted July 22, 2011 Thanks Kam and Humate. I have looked into professional lessons and they're pretty costly--again, money I don't have--but it would likely be worth it, so I'm going to save up and not drive so much with BF (or at all) until I get some proper instruction. It'll delay obtaining my license, but driving is one of the most dangerous things people do. I really should be taught in the best way possible.
Author tigressA Posted July 22, 2011 Author Posted July 22, 2011 On a side note, he is doing you a huge favour by letting you learn to drive on his car and you don't sound very appreciative. If you crash it, guess who's insurance is going to skyrocket? Personally, i would never let my girlfriend learn on my car. You think I don't know that? Personally, that's another thing that just adds to my nervousness. And it's also probably what motivates him to scold me like he does. Though when he took me out for my first experience, it was when he still had his Corvette, and I almost collided with a parking curb because I let go of the clutch too quickly. I was scared and apologetic and he said he didn't care about the car, blah blah. The honeymoon phase.
Banker Chick Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 So are you still trying to learn to drive with a stick (manual)? If so, I commend you because it's not easy at all. Having taught my now 19 yr old daughter to drive, I can attest that it's not easy. We started out slow in parking lots and back roads to just get her used to the feel of the car and the gas/brake. We then worked up to busier roads but on days and times there would be less traffic. We did mostly right hand turns and then progressed from there. I remember we spent a lot of time in an empty Walmart parking lot practicing parking. I was short tempered at first but I realized it made it worse so I learned to just bite my tongue and encourage her and not be so critical. One advantage of taking a class is they teach you everything you need to know ... parallel parking, three point turns, etc. They also have a brake on their side so it's safer and I think it makes it less scary for you because you know they can respond in a matter of seconds. Good luck!
Author tigressA Posted July 22, 2011 Author Posted July 22, 2011 So are you still trying to learn to drive with a stick (manual)? If so, I commend you because it's not easy at all. Having taught my now 19 yr old daughter to drive, I can attest that it's not easy. We started out slow in parking lots and back roads to just get her used to the feel of the car and the gas/brake. We then worked up to busier roads but on days and times there would be less traffic. We did mostly right hand turns and then progressed from there. I remember we spent a lot of time in an empty Walmart parking lot practicing parking. I was short tempered at first but I realized it made it worse so I learned to just bite my tongue and encourage her and not be so critical. One advantage of taking a class is they teach you everything you need to know ... parallel parking, three point turns, etc. They also have a brake on their side so it's safer and I think it makes it less scary for you because you know they can respond in a matter of seconds. Good luck! As for whether I'm still learning on stick shift--holy f*ck, no. He has an automatic now, thank goodness. Thanks for the pointers, Banker Chick.
Star Gazer Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 Having an SO teach you something you're bound to get flustered at is never a good idea. So yes, lessons are necessary, especially with the trouble you seem to be having. When I got my license, I think it was required by law that we take professional lessons. I know now folks have to have 6 hours of behind the wheel training with a professional instructor, in addition to a TON of classroom and supervised practice. Have you even taken a classroom class, or are you just getting behind the wheel? I have to admit that I'm laughing a little bit, because I don't know anyone who doesn't know how to drive. We all got our licenses on our 16th birthday, even if we didn't have a car to drive. That, and driving is really easy.
Author tigressA Posted July 22, 2011 Author Posted July 22, 2011 Having an SO teach you something you're bound to get flustered at is never a good idea. So yes, lessons are necessary, especially with the trouble you seem to be having. When I got my license, I think it was required by law that we take professional lessons. I know now folks have to have 6 hours of behind the wheel training with a professional instructor, in addition to a TON of classroom and supervised practice. Have you even taken a classroom class, or are you just getting behind the wheel? I have to admit that I'm laughing a little bit, because I don't know anyone who doesn't know how to drive. We all got our licenses on our 16th birthday, even if we didn't have a car to drive. That, and driving is really easy. I took a class in high school, just about safety and rules and whatnot. No driving involved. I graduated 6 years ago. Yeah, go ahead and laugh it up. I wasn't allowed to learn how to drive when all my friends were able to--my ex-stepmom had my dad wrapped around her finger and insisted that my brother or me having our licenses would make the insurance go up and we wouldn't be able to afford the car. When she up and left us for the last time, she took the car with her. Then other circumstances got in the way and I'm just now learning. Not everyone is able to reach the driving milestone at the same time. And it's not "really easy" for everyone, either.
Star Gazer Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 Okay, fine... I'll keep laughing. The imagery you presented was funny, shoot me. Jeez. Lighten up, girl! It'll be a lot more fun if you don't take yourself and life so seriously. This is coming from someone who just recently learned how to ride a BIKE!
PelicanPete Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 Just start off with areas that you are completely comfortable with. I recently bought a 5 speed car with little experience driving standards, and I've just been sticking with areas close to home that I'm familiar with. If you already know the area, you can focus more on the process and steps of driving rather then where you're going. Once you feel comfortable with the protocol you can move on to areas you aren't so familiar with. When you're first learning to drive it's really overwhelming and a lot to focus on, so it's good to eliminate extra stress.
johan Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 Every time you ever rode in a car in your life: did you have your eyes closed?
2sunny Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 i agree get an instructor. it will cost you a few hundred dollars. he was doing YOU a favor - and YOU bitched him out! nice job...
johan Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 He needs to take a different approach, in my opinion. He should be teaching you how to drive a moving truck.
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