Ruby Slippers Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 (edited) So, to follow up to this thread, I e-mailed this guy and invited him to this group event that is going to be fun and very relevant to his interests. I felt VERY brave doing this, as I am interested in this guy and this is kind of my warm-up to an actual date (as suggested by the fabulous Feelin Frisky). Well, he e-mailed back and said he can't make it -- which is fine -- but he DIDN'T suggest any alternate idea for getting together. He just politely declined and said have fun. Now, when I left that job back in February, he seemed genuinely interested in seeing me outside of work. True, it has been 5 months since then. Maybe I should have e-mailed him earlier, but I had a lot going on and felt too shy until now. I could write back and ask him to do something else with just me, but my feeling is that if he wanted to get together, he would have left the door open more, or even suggested that we do. Do you agree? Edited July 22, 2011 by Ruby Slippers
KathyM Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 So, to follow up to this thread, I e-mailed this guy and invited him to this group event that is going to be fun and very relevant to his interests. I felt VERY brave doing this, as I am interested in this guy and this is kind of my warm-up to an actual date (as suggested by the fabulous Feelin Frisky). Well, he e-mailed back and said he can't make it -- which is fine -- but he DIDN'T suggest any alternate idea for getting together. He just politely declined and said have fun. Now, when I left that job back in February, he seemed genuinely interested in seeing me outside of work. True, it has been 5 months since then. Maybe I should have e-mailed him earlier, but I had a lot going on and felt too shy until now. I could write back and ask him to do something else with just me, but my feeling is that if he wanted to get together, he would have left the door open more, or even suggested that we do. Do you agree? It sounds like he's not interested. I think if he was, he would have at least said, I can't make it but I'll call you and maybe we can get together for something else. I wouldn't suggest inviting him to something else. It would sound too desperate. Men like to be the pursuer in a relationship, usually. If he is interested, he'll contact you. Until then, I would drop it. And yes, if you've waited five months after leaving a job to make contact, it's probably too late. I didn't read the other thread, but I would say there's not much chance for anything to happen with that guy at this point.
Author Ruby Slippers Posted July 22, 2011 Author Posted July 22, 2011 Dammit. So far, I am NOT feeling the love for this approaching men concept. AT ALL!
Author Ruby Slippers Posted July 22, 2011 Author Posted July 22, 2011 It sounds like he's not interested. I think if he was, he would have at least said, I can't make it but I'll call you and maybe we can get together for something else. I wouldn't suggest inviting him to something else. It would sound too desperate. Men like to be the pursuer in a relationship, usually. If he is interested, he'll contact you. Until then, I would drop it. And yes, if you've waited five months after leaving a job to make contact, it's probably too late. I didn't read the other thread, but I would say there's not much chance for anything to happen with that guy at this point. Yeah, I'm not going to contact him again. It's just confusing because he seemed very into the idea of seeing me again when I left that job. Ah, well.
tigressA Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 Yeah, I'm not going to contact him again. It's just confusing because he seemed very into the idea of seeing me again when I left that job. Ah, well. Well, that was 5 months ago. A lot can happen in 5 months, especially when there's no interaction between the two of you in that time. I agree with the others--drop it.
snug.bunny Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 Sometimes, when you invite someone to a group outing, they may perceive it as code for "just friends". Maybe, that's how he viewed it?
KathyM Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 Yeah, I'm not going to contact him again. It's just confusing because he seemed very into the idea of seeing me again when I left that job. Ah, well. It might be, as someone else suggested, that he is in a relationship now, and is not interested because of that. Or it may be that too much time has elapsed and that caused his interest to wane. But in any case, he knows you are interested now. It's up to him now to get in contact with you if he ever decides to pursue it.
Author Ruby Slippers Posted July 22, 2011 Author Posted July 22, 2011 It might be, as someone else suggested, that he is in a relationship now, and is not interested because of that. Or it may be that too much time has elapsed and that caused his interest to wane. But in any case, he knows you are interested now. It's up to him now to get in contact with you if he ever decides to pursue it. We got along SO WELL at work... but I was very intimidated about initiating anything outside of that. That's why I took 5 months to do it, that's why I did it through e-mail, that's why I invited him to a group thing. I'm not going to contact him again, at all. If he's interested and available now or in the future, I think he has enough information to know that I am open to getting to know him better, outside of the office.
KathyM Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 We got along SO WELL at work... but I was very intimidated about initiating anything outside of that. That's why I took 5 months to do it, that's why I did it through e-mail, that's why I invited him to a group thing. I'm not going to contact him again, at all. If he's interested and available now or in the future, I think he has enough information to know that I am open to getting to know him better, outside of the office. Yup, it's up to him now to pursue it or not.
zengirl Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 Doesn't sound like there's a lot of hope to me. What I'd do --- because I like 100% certainty more than I value trying to save face from rejection --- is write him again letting him know something like "It was fun! Let me know if you ever want to get together sometimes soon." If you don't get a response after that, it's a no go. I'd say most of the time if he was interested, he would've thrown something else out there so you're totally right on that. But there may be some issue with the time passing or whatever. People are weird. Of course, I'm more direct than most on expressing interest. Personally, I never think "less" of a guy for expressing interest in me, even if I don't dig him, so I choose to be fine with a guy not being interested in me. I'm not everyone's cuppa just like everyone isn't mine.
Author Ruby Slippers Posted July 22, 2011 Author Posted July 22, 2011 Doesn't sound like there's a lot of hope to me. I agree. It was always a little weird. On my first day at the job, he had to lead some orientation with me and another woman. And he was practically staring into my eyes the whole time he was talking, almost ignoring the other girl. I couldn't help looking at him in a goofy, dreamy way. He is SO cute, and SMART. Then every time we had a get-together at the office, he would make a bee line for me and initiate conversation. We would have AWESOME conversation the whole time, until we'd eventually look up and realize the whole room had cleared out except for us. I always ended it to get back to work, and he'd keep trying to linger. He made clear to me that he was single. Then, after I announced my resignation, he came by my desk, talked to me for a long time, and told me to DEFINITELY get in touch with him after I left. Then he came by my desk the next day and said the same thing! I told him I'd look him up on LinkedIn and add him, which I did. Since everything was "professional" at that point, I figured this would be a good way to transition to personal. I probably should have asked him to do something soon after I quit that job, but I just did not have the courage to do that at the time. Now I do, but maybe it's too late. Oh, well. Not in the cards.
ptp Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 (edited) So, to follow up to this thread, I e-mailed this guy and invited him to this group event that is going to be fun and very relevant to his interests. I felt VERY brave doing this, as I am interested in this guy and this is kind of my warm-up to an actual date (as suggested by the fabulous Feelin Frisky). Well, he e-mailed back and said he can't make it -- which is fine -- but he DIDN'T suggest any alternate idea for getting together. He just politely declined and said have fun. Now, when I left that job back in February, he seemed genuinely interested in seeing me outside of work. True, it has been 5 months since then. Maybe I should have e-mailed him earlier, but I had a lot going on and felt too shy until now. I could write back and ask him to do something else with just me, but my feeling is that if he wanted to get together, he would have left the door open more, or even suggested that we do. Do you agree? Ruby, I am a lurker on here and I have read a lot of your posts. My perception of you is that you are an attractive,intelligent and confident girl who often gives good advice. However, you need to be more brave than this. IMO you are being very subtle in your email. What is the harm in being more forward/direct? The worst is that he isn't interested and it would be a slight blow to your ego. Something guys have to risk whenever we try to initiate a relationship with a girl. I admit I am not the best at interpreting when a girl likes me and when she doesn't. This is mainly because I often hear from my female cousins that when they smile at a guy or laugh at a guys jokes, they aren't showing interest in the guy but, that is how the guy perceives it. Thus, I am oblivious to subtle signals and look for more direct signs from the girl. If you wrote this email to me, I could easily have interpreted it as this girl wants to hang out but, if I go there and try to hit on her she may take offense because she is inviting me as a friend. Thus, my advice to you is if you really like this guy, why not say that in an email? Ask him for coffee or something. You have a lot to gain but very little to lose. Edited July 22, 2011 by ptp
Author Ruby Slippers Posted July 22, 2011 Author Posted July 22, 2011 Ruby, I am a lurker on here and I have read a lot of your posts. My perception of you is that you are an attractive,intelligent and confident girl who often gives good advice. However, you need to be more brave than this. Aww, thanks! I think the problem here is that we are both intelligent, sensitive introverts with some confidence issues. The whole vibe of our interactions from BOTH sides was "ahhh, he/she's cool, but does he/she like me beyond cool office friend?". I hear what you're saying, but I think I have opened the door, and the next step, if there is to be one, is his. He could easily and with minimal risk to his ego have responded with "I can't make it, but how about this instead?" But he didn't. He said "I can't make it, but you have fun." THE END. Maybe he'll think about it and come up with an invite for me in the near future. But I think it would be silly (and a little masochistic!) for me to extend another invite at this point.
Feelin Frisky Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 First off, thanks for calling me "fabulous"--that's a definite first. Unfortunately by not acting in the time frame window of opportunity you had where this would not have seemed out of place you may have taken a chunk out of your own credibility. I could see a guy thinking "if not then, why now? (unless she's fickle or impulsive or both). But that is not necessarily so. You could still contact him and suggest a "non-date" date like lunch or the proverbial drink where you can find out if there's anything there to build on. If he shows resistance, you have your answer that he's not interested. Don't take that too hard if he does. It's not a crisis--there could be several reasons why he might not go along. If you do meet you could tactfully express a remorse about not doing this sooner if you feel that way. See how he responds to that. There comes a point however where he should start initiating a bit. If he doesn't, you'll have to face it that this just isn't going anywhere. You want to keep your self respect and not look like you're chasing him. Perhaps he thinks of you as you do of him and is possibly nervous about seeing you. Whatever you do, don't wait any more because it will seem odd. Good luck.
musemaj11 Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 So you contacted him out of the blue after 5 months of no contact? That's rather creepy don't you think.
Author Ruby Slippers Posted July 22, 2011 Author Posted July 22, 2011 First off, thanks for calling me "fabulous"--that's a definite first. I don't know why you always say this. I have sung your praises numerous times, because I have always thought you seem very cool. I LIKE YOU, FRISKY! Unfortunately by not acting in the time frame window of opportunity you had where this would not have seemed out of place you may have taken a chunk out of your own credibility. Yeah, you're right. I'm not contacting him any more. If he contacts me, I will be receptive. I realize there could be many reasons he's not into it. It could be that he doesn't like me that way but was just flirting for fun, or it could be that he is seeing someone else. I didn't expect him to like me, but given all the attention he kept projecting at me, I began to consider that maybe he did. But now I don't think so. Hey, I (kind of sort of) tried! That's something.
ptp Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 Aww, thanks! I think the problem here is that we are both intelligent, sensitive introverts with some confidence issues. The whole vibe of our interactions from BOTH sides was "ahhh, he/she's cool, but does he/she like me beyond cool office friend?". I hear what you're saying, but I think I have opened the door, and the next step, if there is to be one, is his. He could easily and with minimal risk to his ego have responded with "I can't make it, but how about this instead?" But he didn't. He said "I can't make it, but you have fun." THE END. Maybe he'll think about it and come up with an invite for me in the near future. But I think it would be silly (and a little masochistic!) for me to extend another invite at this point. I hope I don't sound combative , I am just trying to insert my 2 cents. Having said that, it seems to me that you are willing to give up a potentially good relationship because of 5-6 words. Is every little action (or inaction) so closely scrutinized that a few words at the end of email can be the reason you give up on someone? Is the pain of a rejection email so great that you are unwilling to try to a more direct approach? Compare that to what we have to do when we walk up to girl to ask for her number. Maybe I am weird (or a little masochistic;)) but, for me life is too short to give up on a girl, who I like, just based on 5-6 words at the end of an email. Again, I am not telling you what you should/shouldn't do, just giving my perspective.
Author Ruby Slippers Posted July 22, 2011 Author Posted July 22, 2011 So you contacted him out of the blue after 5 months of no contact? That's rather creepy don't you think. I just sent him an e-mail. Not creepy. Unexpected, maybe. I really was extremely busy after I quit that job, and I was in no frame of mind to approach a man for the first time ever! Now that I've practiced this a tiny bit, I was ready to approach him. And I really do think that if he were interested and available, he would have been open to something, even 5 months later. So, I think he is either not interested or not available. Even though I didn't do things perfectly, I'm not sorry I asked him out.
Author Ruby Slippers Posted July 22, 2011 Author Posted July 22, 2011 Is the pain of a rejection email so great that you are unwilling to try to a more direct approach? No, I just think he's made it clear he's not interested. If he had invited me to something I wasn't available for, I totally would have written back and suggested another time or activity for us. I would have responded as he did only if I wasn't interested.
ptp Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 Yea I think you might be right. I am clearly in the minority here. I don't usually give advice so I realize I am not that good at it yet :-).
musemaj11 Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 I just sent him an e-mail. Not creepy. Unexpected, maybe. I really was extremely busy after I quit that job, and I was in no frame of mind to approach a man for the first time ever! Now that I've practiced this a tiny bit, I was ready to approach him. And I really do think that if he were interested and available, he would have been open to something, even 5 months later. So, I think he is either not interested or not available. Even though I didn't do things perfectly, I'm not sorry I asked him out. Ya well we all have to start somewhere. Its just that I started this back when I was 16 so by now I'm already quite experienced. All I can say is that you have a long way ahead of you newbie. Lol
Author Ruby Slippers Posted July 22, 2011 Author Posted July 22, 2011 Ya well we all have to start somewhere. Its just that I started this back when I was 16 so by now I'm already quite experienced. All I can say is that you have a long way ahead of you newbie. Lol I think I am giving up on approaching men. It's too hard, and I think this is too late in the game to change my whole dating MO.
musemaj11 Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 I think I am giving up on approaching men. It's too hard, and I think this is too late in the game to change my whole dating MO. Perhaps you are right that it is way late. Maybe do it differently in the next life or something. However, I'm just gonna give you an advice that I gave to my sister which is that a woman can initiate, but only if the guy is less attractive than her or he is more timid than her. If none of these conditions is met, then the success rate will be low or you will just get taken advantage of. Personally if I were a woman, I would go after the handsome shy guys.
nyc_guy2003 Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 I agree that he's probably not that interested. Generally, if you give a man a slight opening, date-wise, he'll bulldoze right through it if there is any interest at all. Did you include any pictures with the email or just a blank profile? If you did maybe he just doesn't think you're attractive, and if you didn't maybe he thinks you just want to be friends.
tigressA Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 I agree that he's probably not that interested. Generally, if you give a man a slight opening, date-wise, he'll bulldoze right through it if there is any interest at all. Did you include any pictures with the email or just a blank profile? If you did maybe he just doesn't think you're attractive, and if you didn't maybe he thinks you just want to be friends. They worked at the same company, so he knows what she looks like already.
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