May-December ... Falling For An Older Man

[flamingjune]

I've been seeing an older man (he's in his early 40s, I'm in my early-mid 20s) for about 2 months now. We both went into it with a preference for nothing too serious. I’d recently broken up with someone and he has his reasons, explained below. The more I get to know him, however, the more I feel like I could really fall for him – if I haven’t already.

 

He’s a great guy: intelligent, friendly, adventurous, kind, incredibly attractive physically and otherwise, and the sex is hot. We enjoy each other’s company and are very affectionate. The catch: he's emotionally defensive due to certain experiences. He’s said that he doesn’t want to be intimately involved with or attached to a woman, yet he'll open up to me sometimes, and can be really tender and caring. He’s aware that he keeps people at arm’s length and is in therapy.

 

We’d agreed that should one or the other want some variety or to see someone else, we’d be honest about it and break things off. He knows I really like him, mostly because I show it, and I sense that he might feel similar, but am not sure to what extent. I’ve kept these thoughts to myself, partly because I don’t quite know how to handle this, and partly because I wonder if his intimacy issues might cause him to withdraw if I were to say something.

 

Generally, I’m keeping myself in check and trying to maintain some emotional distance. Is it too early to feel so strongly and should I just keep my cool? Should I just treat this like a mere affair? A fling? Should I say something or take things as they come? Am I over thinking things? Any ideas? Thanks.

[Azuresky]

I don't think you should be so concerned about his age. I've dated men 20 yrs older and men 4-5 years younger. The main problem can be if you want kids and he doesn't, because he already has some, or just doesn't want any. So before you fall in love, just make sure this relationshbip can provide what it is that you really want and need in the long run. For instance, does he have along track record of only dating women in their 20s? This might indicate that he is just looking for a great time. And, you may need to consider the balance of power in the relationship, for instance if he has a lot more money than you which is usually the case just because is time in the workplace. But, those things may or may not be an issue. But other than those types of red flags that are the case with men of any age, I see no problem. Just have fun.

[sportsloving]

I commend you for being able to keep a check on your emotions, lol, I was never able to hide anything I felt. I would think that would be a hard thing to do, and what happens if someday it just "slips"?

 

I think communication is the best thing. If you are starting to fall in love and he has said he isn't able/willing to become emotionally involved, you may want to have a heart to heart with him. It may well be that he is feeling the same but scared, or it may be that he is thinking you two are just "fun". Either way, it would be better for you to know where he stands now, rather than later when you are full out in love and he isn't feeling the same.

 

I wish you the best of luck and hope it all works out~

[flamingjune]

Hi Azuresky,

 

Thanks for the post! He doesn't want kids and has said as much, and as for me, I have a ways to go before I can even think about them. Before me he had dated women in their 30s or 40s. But he said the last one left him cause she said he wouldn't let her get close. He's been very straightforward since the beginning, which is refreshing. When we're together he says he's happy to see me, or to spend time together, and that unlike other women he feels very relaxed and open with me. When we're apart, we both tend to live our own lives, and I'm fine with that, as we both tend to be quite private and enjoy our space. What do you mean about the balance of power?

[flamingjune]

Hi Sportsloving,

 

Thanks for the post! It's really hard and I always find myself biting my tongue. It would be nice if I could just outright say how I feel about him. In my experience, it's usually the guy who says something, but for some reason it's different this time.

 

I guess at this point I might wait just a bit, it's only been 2 months afterall. But the heart to heart at some point down the road will certainly come into play. It's funny, we can openly talk about lots of things, but when it comes to this it gets really awkward. I guess the closest thing we ever got to the heart to heart was when we agreed that we wouldn't sleep with anyone else unless we stopped seeing each other. He said he's happy with me and isn't looking elsewhere. And he said the fact that I brought it up showed that I really like him.

[Azuresky]

Flaming June - As for balance of power, I just meant that it might be difficult to relate as equals if one person has more money, experience, etc. You just want to relate as two adults. That's all. If he doesn't want kids and you do eventually, just be careful. Even though you think this is a "good for right now" relationship and that you will be able to move on when you're ready, you may find yourself in love and it might turn out to be so simple to walk away. Consider whether you are setting yourself up for heartache! And I do know because I am getting ready to marry someone who is 17 years older than me. He is "willing" to have one child with me, since he already has 2 grown daughters. It has been 4 years of a lot of back and forth on this issue, and finally a "compromise," but not one I recommend! Good luck and TAKE CARE of YOURSELF!!