ShoeGurl1973 Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 Anyone else in the same boat as me, you've made you "list" of positives and negatives, the negatives being significantly longer, you have gained some perspective and realized you probably should have left them long ago, you realize that on paper you haven't really LOST anything? BUT you still feel like crap and are emotionally devastated? I don't know why...I can't figure it out. I was with someone that lied and deceived me, verbally abused me, lied about having PHD ( he never finished but continutes to brag about the "PHD" he has to everyone), lives only for today and has to borrow money from his parents at 36 if he needs a new tire etc...I'm a cute, successful, financially independant woman - he brought nothing to the table so to speak except we had fun going out. For the life of me, I wish I could pull myself out of this sad mindframe and be happy he's gone for good. I think alot of it is I know deep down I was the one that shoudl have gotten rid of him long ago when the lying started. Maybe that's it, I'm mad at myself for putting up with it all?
wilsonx Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 Well you are in a good mindset now... just keep it. You realize that it was a one sided relationship, he wasn't good for you at all and you see that. Now you have to accept it internally and start letting go. One of the biggest coping things for me is reading and working out. I work out at least 2 hours a day. I hang out with a couple friends a few times a week but I do not evolve most of my time around them to keep busy. I have started to accept being by myself at home is ok. I'm am happy with it again. I have my moments of loneliness but they phase in and out. I have moments where I miss my ex but I can phase her out of my mind now.
Philosoraptor Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 You seem to know you're good enough and he was a disaster. So if you need to forgive yourself for making a mistake then do so. Tell yourself you will learn from this and never make the same mistake again.
Author ShoeGurl1973 Posted July 22, 2011 Author Posted July 22, 2011 Philosoraptor - you hit the nail on the head...he was a disaster. In fact the night we got into a fight that led to the breakup, he hit me with "i filed bankruptcy" (this was after his last relationship that ended in divorce). We had been talking marriage so i guess he figured I'd find out at that point. It's like the bombshells never ended....It took him 6 months to tell me he was married, another 6 to tell me he had a kid, even AFTER i asked if there was anything else he wanted to tell me when he admitted to being married. Argh..i was so stupid. red flags everywhere an in the delusional state of love i accepted them. I will never do this again.
lemonlegs Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 It's good to feel better about yourself, but I don't see the need to cut your ex down as a person... unless of course they did something terrible to you, like cheated or were abusive. If your ex was a compulsive liar and actually did verbally abuse you, then you're damn right you're better off and in that case, yes, I can see why the negatives outweigh positives. I just dislike the fact that many people try and make the dumpers sound like horrible human beings IF and only IF the relationship simply ran it's course and nothing bad was done to the other person. Anyway, sounds like you have a clearer perspective on things. Naturally you're going to miss any person that you were used to having around all the time when they're suddenly not there anymore, but just keep telling yourself that you WILL meet a better man who does not verbally abuse you and is nothing but honest. Best of luck.
English-Rose Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 Wow ur ex sounds a lot like mine.... Divorced, kids, bankrupt! And like you I know I'm better off out of that relationship but still feel so sad and miss his company and the physical side of things. I guess it's normal to miss those things, they were the things that were great. We will get over it even if it takes a bit of time!
Kilty Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 Yep - could never take her back but still feel crappola a lot of the time and it's getting worse as her wedding approaches - its in 3 weeks time. Im technically the dumper (if anybody doesnt know my story) but the relationship got into a rut and lack of talking and not seeing enough of each other led to a fall out and i walked away. Felt a lot of the time when i was with her that i could have been just about anybody and there was very little spark. Within a month of the breakup she went with someone else. a much older guy with 3 grown up kids and who had just came out of an engagement to a girl that was pregnant by someone else. Clearly a nice guy but not a looker and not a catch by any stretch of the imagination. Me - no baggage, plenty money and a giver not a taker. Was never anyone else and we never fought - maybe that was the problem. Anyway within 2 months of going with this desperate old guy he proposed and she accepted. I tried to get her back as not only was i devastated by the break up but thought i had driven her down that path. However my stubborness due to her being with someone else pushed me into NC for 3 months but eventually i let my emotions show. Result - told never to contact her again after a 10 page letter apologising for everything and telling her how i felt & what i wanted with her - lifelong committment. So having to work beside the fiance i can see yes he is a nice guy but he is just a complete dick He is trying to be something he is not - i.e younger. Has numerous tattoos on arms & legs and goes long distance cycling But it really doesnt wash with his old man looks - bald, skinny & wear glasses. So seeing her as a really desperate girl and not really meaning that much to her and added to that what she has done so quickly makes me dispise her as much as i do myself for not sticking by my beliefs & convictions about her Yet seeing her at work and hearing about the up coming wedding - makes me wanna puke If it was someone elses story i could give great advice As its mine and im emotionally attached im buggered Yet 1 year and 4 months after our split and she is getting married to an old guy with more baggage than joan collins on safari should really be enough to let me switch off Sigh - vent over Seen her today and thats why im venting Pfft
English-Rose Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 If it was someone elses story i could give great advice. As its mine and im emotionally attached im buggered you're damn right! We are all great at throwing in our advice but never really take our own! I feel exactly the same as you. And by the way my ex has hooked up with a divorced mother of two who is at least 7 or 8 years older than me!! So I'm getting your frustration!!
Kilty Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 We have a connection Ha x Im hanging onto this is all about wanting what you cant have - which is the advice i would give to anyone else Unfortunately i know its not 100% true
Bluebelle38 Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 This thread struck a chord with me. My ex treated me despicably in the end and yet I still miss him the odd time. I have never had more fun/laughs with a guy and that is what I miss. I focus on that one aspect and not all the parts that make him who he is (and it is not a nice guy). It just takes time... I plan to get out and exercise more, I think it will help a lot Best wishes to everyone getting through heartbreak:)
FinOuch Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 (edited) Of course I'm experiencing this with my recent breakup - but that one is very fresh and he didn't treat me poorly until the end, so let's just ignore it. Instead, I'll tell you about my ex husband a number of years ago. It was an adversarial relationship at best, and he was a complete disaster. In fact, the situation you have outlined is very similar in regards to both parties - except without the lying about a PHD and age (only by a few years). I walked away from the marriage. I realized there was no future with him that I could be happy in, and the list of negatives were probably sky high and would've vastly outnumbered the positives. It absolutely needed to happen. But I still felt awful. I felt guilty for "abandoning" him. I felt like I would never find love again. I felt that there must be something wrong with me. Oh man, I experienced just a whole array of negative feelings and thoughts about the situation and about myself. I think that's normal (or - at the very least you are not the only one!), and you do work through it eventually. And now...years down the road...I look back and realize it was good for both of us. He needed to lose me as much as I needed to get out. It's probably done him the most good. =/ Edited July 22, 2011 by FinOuch
bikinibeach Posted July 23, 2011 Posted July 23, 2011 don't feel bad, op. i've been there too. check out any of my threads. i am a seriously good catch, on paper and in real life. what was good with my ex? he was incredibly beautiful, charming, funny and musically talented, and intelligent. best sex of my life. he was the guy, like you, that i had the most fun with, no matter what we did. the BAD??? good lord, i could write a list a mile long... the main ones being: - codependent on his (single!) ex who disliked me, constantly at her house, doing her favors, driving her around, taking her shopping and to dinners and a movie...while telling me it was ME that he loved!!! ...lol -admitted to me that when he was with his ex, he cheated on her. with a hooker. lol -complete mama's boy. they controlled him, he hated it but claimed he couldnt do anything about it. -once took a small box off a LARGE pile of boxes from my car that needed to get into the house, said 'i'll see you inside", then left me in the snow outside his house in the dark. after i pick my jaw up off the ground and carrying them to the door, i can see him through the window, on his computer...!!! - terrible interpersonal skills, fought with everyone at every job. was always getting fired. even from jobs paying 9$ an hour. -no friends. except for his ex and two ugly, desperate girls who used him as an emotional tampon (google it!) and hated me on sight - never. did. a. single. thing. for. me. NOT ONCE! - got bitchy if we didn't go dutch - had his meddling girl "friends" call late at night when we were together because they were "worried" about his emotional well being because he was hanging out with me....! i'm sitting there and he's going "yeah...it'll be fine. it's fine. aw, you're a sweet girl..."......!!!!!!!!!! these friends telling him to dump me by the way, are the same ones who hit on him the DAY we broke up. - literally had a new story about some chick trying to hit on him that he would tell me every day (exxagerations i'm sure) -LIAR. would lie even when caught lying. then lie about having lied about lying....lmfao -once told me he would give up his ex for me, but he was familiar with her and to give her up for me, he'd have to evaluate the risk versus the potential benefit. dear lord, why did i not stop my car at that moment and push him out of it, to this day i will never know.. he's pretty much not someone i should even give the time of day and a member of the lowest 'league' i have ever dated in my life. ...yet he has so far been proving to be the hardest to get over. lame! don't beat yourself up. this was a MISTAKE. if you date someone like this again however, it will then be a CHOICE. chin up! there's no way your guy could be worse than mine. by the way, i could go on. this is just a FRACTION of the ****ty things he's done.
sleepykitten Posted July 24, 2011 Posted July 24, 2011 Shoegurl, i had to check your post wasnt one i had written about my ex....also 36, and my list of pros and cons, the pros were 3 then cons were long! Mummys boy, future faker, lived at home stayed with me most nights didnt contribute, didnt cook, didnt do much, stopped even thinking about us going out, he made sure his social life was good though with his friends....he thought he was a "happy go lucky, i just want to be happy," bloke, no future plans, no ambition....on and on i could go...i should have left 8 months before we broke up, i was too unhhappy and trying to figure out where, and why the romantic, passionate, boyfriend i had had dissapeared to! Never again, its taught me some valuble lessons, if anyone tells me they're living with their parents (unless they are nursing them through some illness) i am not interested at all, considered now a massive billowing red flag!
juliebijoux Posted July 24, 2011 Posted July 24, 2011 I'm in completely the same boat as you. I've made a list of the pros/cons and there was only 2 pros vs very many cons (unemployed for three years, failed out of Master's program, lives with parents, doesn't know what field he wants to work in). Every time I kept on thinking it was going to get better and that he would become the person I knew he could be. I just realized that our expectations were different, not even necessarily better, but just different. I came up with one idea of why it sucks so much. It means that he stops loving me. For some reason, I am ok with not being with him, but when I think about that all our love will be gone it just hurts so much. Right now I am only on day 2 of nc, so I will see how I feel in a week. Unfortunately I just started my month-long vacation before my job starts up again, so I will not have work to distract me. But I have a lot of cleaning, cooking practice, exercising and friends to catch up with.
shortee143 Posted July 25, 2011 Posted July 25, 2011 Shoegurl- looks like many of us can relate!! I am at the point too where I pretty much dont want him back. If he came to me tomorrow and wanted to get back together, it would take a longggg while, work, and a lot of thought, and even then, I'd still prob think I am better off without him! I still feel like poop though- for me, I am carrying all the hurt he put me thru. I wonder, well ok, I dont want him anymore, however I am still hurt by the things he does/did or says/said (we are in contact due to many mutual friends). The hurt is a b*tch to get past for me. So I, too, am with ya one this one. It gets better- but not quite sure what it is going to take to completely let it all go!
sun_moon Posted July 25, 2011 Posted July 25, 2011 While I havent written out the list, its mentally hiding in the back of my mind. To the OP, my cons also out weigh the pros but I'm in the same boat, I still love him, I still miss him. Hell, I'm not sure what he wants right now,but he's been contacting me more and more, and I finally began to crumble and give in to the BREADCRUMBS, but no more, I've stopped and I'm back to NC as of yesterday! lol I dont want him back either. It's not like he's asked, actually, I'm not sure what he wants, all I know is his Ego is getting in the way as usual and its clouding everything. Nonetheless, I miss him, but I have to stay strong and remind myself of the massive cons list. It doesnt make sense, its like the mind and the heart are not in sync. The good thing is that with time and NC, those feelings grow smaller and smaller.
English-Rose Posted July 25, 2011 Posted July 25, 2011 Sun moon you are so right. The longer the nc lasts and you ignore the breadcrumbs, the smaller the feelings become. Ok they don't just go away but we have to walk before we can run so to speak! There is indeed light at the end of the long dark break up tunnel!
fetish1980 Posted July 25, 2011 Posted July 25, 2011 I think sun_moon is right. You can still ove them and miss them. But the cons are the reality of why you couldn't make it work. I wish that love was that simple. Simple enough to just focus on the good sides of the relaitonship without acknowledging the red flags. But it isn't so simple. I found that out, and it only took me 8 years of being with someone to finally accept that she wasn't the one for me. She was a disaster, a time bomb that would have blown up taking down anything in its path. What's worse was she didn't want my help or advice to improve, so what's the only option? To let them go. Love them enough to let them go. No need to feel foolish. Just live on. fetish
coltsfan1 Posted July 25, 2011 Posted July 25, 2011 Fetish-you are so correct!! I miss my ex deeply, she has left a scar that won't go away. But some people are just broken people. They go about life hurting themselves and other. We are all guilty of hurting someone in the past, but ex's regardless of gender, race, or sexual orientation that hurt you purposefully are just out and out bad people. I once dated a gal 7 years older than me, i was early 20's she was late 20's. We dated for almost two years, we had great times, I learned a lot about what it took to keep a woman. Then one day she wanted to break up, she took me to dinner and told me the truth. That we where at two different places in life and we HAD to go our own ways. I hurt but I knew she was right we wanted different things. I hurt but it wasn't a scar, with my current ex she went out of her way to hurt me..... That's that
fetish1980 Posted July 25, 2011 Posted July 25, 2011 Fetish-you are so correct!! I miss my ex deeply, she has left a scar that won't go away. But some people are just broken people. They go about life hurting themselves and other. We are all guilty of hurting someone in the past, but ex's regardless of gender, race, or sexual orientation that hurt you purposefully are just out and out bad people. I once dated a gal 7 years older than me, i was early 20's she was late 20's. We dated for almost two years, we had great times, I learned a lot about what it took to keep a woman. Then one day she wanted to break up, she took me to dinner and told me the truth. That we where at two different places in life and we HAD to go our own ways. I hurt but I knew she was right we wanted different things. I hurt but it wasn't a scar, with my current ex she went out of her way to hurt me..... That's that and that's the confusing thing. Just because a person starts off doing all the right things in the beginning, we tend to think that they're the right people for us. But people who really another person don't break their heart or go out of their way to hurt them. fetish
coltsfan1 Posted July 26, 2011 Posted July 26, 2011 What I will never understand is how people can look themselves in the mirror. If I hurt someone its done, I don't plan on coming back. But I don't blame others for my actions, I choose to cut them out.
FlyMoon Posted July 27, 2011 Posted July 27, 2011 I can so related to the original poster's feelings as I feel exactly the same. Two months after the break up and NC throughout - I still feel angry and sad sometimes.. Today at the work, during an important meeting, I just got into this really devastated mood all of a sudden - couldn't help it.. - and obviously I had a hard time trying to not let it show too much... and get over it asap. The entire day today was especially very tough too because he kept on popping up in my head reminding me of the fking mean things he said/done to me repeatedly... hurting me insanely. I still feel so horrible..
coltsfan1 Posted July 27, 2011 Posted July 27, 2011 Flymoon, I totally understand what you are saying. It has been almost a year since the breakup. I have so many regrets that I wish I could change I also have a terrible taste in my mouth from how she left things. I could never take her back, but I miss the old us DEEPLY. But we all have to accept that the chapter of our lifes with these people are over and we MUST move on.
FlyMoon Posted July 27, 2011 Posted July 27, 2011 Well, I biggest regret/anger from this R was that there was not even a single good moment to miss about, to hold on to or to recall and say that at least we were happy. From the beginning to the end, it was just lies, lies, lies and fights, persuasions, argumnents, me trying to convince him, he trying to deny his faults not listening - more lies lies.... disappointment...dismay.
Recommended Posts